Whispers of Grief

When he opened them again, it was to a gloomy morning, the sky overcast as if mirroring his mood. The silence outside was thick and heavy, adding to the somber atmosphere. As he sat on the edge of his bed, he released a loud and heavy sigh, the weight of the day pressing down on him.

With a sense of reluctance, Sawyer got ready for the day. He closed the bathroom door behind him and opened his closet. Tucked away on the far left, necessitating a bit of a squeeze to reach, was a grey suit paired with a crisp white button-down shirt, matching grey suit pants, and black dress shoes. He carefully donned the suit, straightening the shirt and ensuring the pants had a sharp crease.

After dressing, he returned to the bathroom. He folded his collar neatly and left the suit jacket open, giving himself a final once-over in the mirror. The reflection staring back at him seemed a world apart from his usual attire. He turned off the bathroom lights and walked over to the living room table.

There, he picked up his black matte helmet with its silver-tinted visor and his black gloves. With a sense of finality, he put on the helmet, the visor clicking shut to obscure his eyes. He slipped on the gloves, each finger snugly fitting into place

"Good morning, Sawyer," Aiyana called out, leaning over the balcony as she watched a couple verbally fight in the parking lot below. Sawyer continued descending the steps, seemingly ignoring her greeting.

"…Sawyer!" she shouted again, her voice tinged with confusion as he continued towards his bike without acknowledging her. She watched, puzzled, as he mounted his motorcycle and sped away, the engine's roar fading into the distance.

Frustrated and concerned, Aiyana swung her door open and stormed into Ezekiel's room. Ezekiel was in the middle of putting on his shirt for school, his movements slow and methodical. He turned his head toward her, eyebrows raised in mild surprise.

"What's wrong with Sawyer?!" she demanded, her tone sharp with a mix of frustration and worry.

Ezekiel finished pulling his shirt over his head and shrugged nonchalantly. "I don't know, he seemed kind of out of it last night," he replied, his voice calm and unconcerned. His lack of worry only seemed to agitate Aiyana more, her eyes narrowing as she processed his words.

"He just left without saying anything. That's not like him," she insisted, her voice softer but still laden with worry. She turned and shut Ezekiel's bedroom door behind her, the sound muted by the walls.

As she stood in the hallway, she heard the fading roar of Sawyer's motorcycle engine. The sound grew distant.

Ezekiel's drive was calm, but his hands betrayed the thunderous drumroll his heart was playing as he closed in on his destination. The steady hum of his bike echoed through the ominous silence as he passed a solitary church, its steeple looming like a silent sentinel. Entering a parking lot with a few scattered cars, he found himself at the edge of a vast grassland, headstones dotting the landscape as far as the eye could see.

As he came to a stop, he hesitated, his fingers hovering over the ignition. His hands quivered uncontrollably, the keys jingling softly in the still air. With a deep breath, he steadied himself, his resolve momentarily calming the tremor in his hands. He managed to extract the keys, the small victory giving him a moment of composure. Placing the kickstand down, he dismounted the motorcycle, the familiar weight of his boots grounding him.

Soon Kamina's low rumble ceased, leaving Sawyer enveloped in silence. He removed his gloves, tucking them into his pocket, and took off his helmet, revealing eyes tinged with red from previous bouts of crying. Cradling the helmet between his forearm and elbow, he began his walk along the paved path, each step feeling heavier than the last.

After covering some distance, he halted. The tears that had welled up in his eyes began to cascade down his cheeks. "….Hey mom…." he managed to say, his voice breaking. Before him stood a headstone inscribed with the words, "In loving memory of a mother and a wife, Alesia Knight." Below that, the dates "1986-2021" marked her brief but impactful life. The final lines on the headstone, "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened," tugged at his heartstrings, causing the tears to flow even more freely.

A light chuckle escaped his lips as he wiped the oncoming tears from his face. "….She always loved a good Dr. Seuss line," he murmured, a bittersweet smile playing on his lips as he remembered her fondness for the author.

"….Hi mom….I'm back…." Sawyer's voice trembled slightly as he placed his helmet next to her headstone and sat down beside it, his knees drawn close to his chest. The weight of his sorrow pressed heavily upon him, but he found solace in this ritual, a moment of connection with the one he missed the most.

"….I wore your favorite suit of mine….You always said I looked good in one….Took me a while, but maybe you were onto something…." he said, a faint chuckle escaping between his short, gasping breaths, each one punctuated by the remnants of his crying. His fingers traced the intricate carvings on the headstone, a tactile connection to the past he longed for.

"I also found a friend to share my love of motorcycles with….! Took a while….But like you said, I finally found someone I connect with…." His tears began to fade, replaced by a glimmer of happiness as he spoke of the joy that had recently entered his life. He recounted tales of rides and shared laughter, moments of freedom and exhilaration that had pierced through the darkness that often clouded his heart.

"Oh, he has a sister too….!" Sawyer said, his voice tinged with excitement. "I think you'd like her…. She's feisty, but she has a good heart." He paused, a subtle smile playing on his lips as he considered her. "You know, there's something about her…. I can't quite put my finger on it. Maybe it's the way she carries herself, or how she always speaks her mind. It's strange, I mean, she's just a friend, right?….But sometimes, there's this feeling…." His words trailed off as he wrestled with emotions that lingered just beneath the surface, unrecognized but undeniably present.

He shook his head slightly, redirecting his thoughts. "Oh! And you're probably going to think I'm crazy…. But you've probably seen some crazy….I got this system thing that appeared in my life recently. It's given me abilities that are out of this world, and I can control it with my consciousness…. It has a lot of functions, but mainly it helps me be able to see, control, and even upgrade my stats and abilities like in a game….!" His eyes lit up as he spoke, the marvel of the system momentarily overshadowing his grief. "It's like having this invisible guide, pushing me to be better, stronger. I know it sounds insane, but it's real, and it's changing everything."

"I don't know why a person like me even got it or what the system's intentions are, but for now, it's the best way for me to efficiently improve myself." Sawyer fiddled with his fingers, his gaze fixed on them as if searching for answers in the creases of his palms.

"Onto more depressing news…. I killed my first person ever…. It was in self-defense, of course….! But…. my life has changed so much since this system has appeared, for better or worse, I've yet to find out…. I'm scared it might change me into someone I don't recognize…. Someone I don't want to be….! You'd probably tell me to stop using it, but sadly it's my only option right now, if I'm to ever reach my end goal…." His voice quivered, and his eyes widened with a mix of terror and regret. He was haunted by the thought of becoming a stranger to himself.

Sawyer drew a shaky breath, wiping a stray tear from his cheek. "I wish you were here to guide me, to tell me what to do. But I know that wherever you are, you're watching over me, giving me strength." He paused, his eyes drifting to the horizon where the sun had set, leaving the sky in twilight.

He continued talking to her until the sun began to set, sharing sorrow and laughter. "I guess it's about time…." Sawyer said reluctantly as he looked at the sun setting below the horizon. He sorrowfully gazed at the headstone, his eyes glistening with tears he fought to hold back.

Sawyer sighed heavily as he spoke, "….I miss our talks, our fights…. all of it…." A small chuckle escaped his lips, though it was tinged with sadness. "You'd probably give me the sternest talking to I've ever had…. And I know I should visit more, but…. it's hard not having you here…. I miss you so much…." His voice cracked as the tears he had been holding back began to cascade down his face.

 "I keep thinking about what you would say to me now, how you would guide me through this mess I've gotten myself into….," he whispered, his fingers tracing the engraved letters on her headstone.

Sawyer took a deep, shuddering breath, trying to steady himself. "I promise I'll keep coming back, I'll keep talking to you. It's just…. so hard." He wiped his tears away with the back of his hand, though they kept coming, unstoppable as the tide.

He closed his fingers together, kissing them gently before placing them on the headstone. "See ya later, Mom…. And happy birthday…." His voice was a soft whisper, barely audible in the quiet cemetery. He got up with his helmet in hand and, as if something were holding him back, he begrudgingly dragged his feet along the path back to his motorcycle. The parking lot was now empty, with only his bike left.

Sawyer switched to a clear visor and carefully put his helmet on, the familiar weight providing a small measure of comfort. He pulled his gloves from his pocket, methodically sliding them back on, the material fitting like a second skin. Each movement was slow, almost ritualistic, as if prolonging the moment would somehow ease the ache in his heart.

As he swung his leg over the bike once more, a single tear escaped, tracing a path down his cheek. He reached into his pocket and took out the key, pausing for a moment as he looked at it. With a deep breath, he inserted the key into the ignition and turned it. The sound of the exhaust roared to life, shattering the silence that had enveloped the landscape.

His ride home was fraught with emotion, every passing mile a struggle to keep his composure. He chose not to drive rashly, aware that any lapse in judgment could have dire consequences. As he pulled into his parking spot, the dam he had erected to hold back his grief finally gave way. Tears flowed freely, streaming down his face uncontrollably.

Sawyer dismounted the bike with heavy steps, each one echoing the weight of his sorrow. He walked up the steps to his apartment, barely noticing the world around him. As he reached the top, the door to Ezekiel's apartment opened, and Aiyana stepped out, her eyes widening with concern.

"Where did you go?!" she exclaimed, her voice tinged with worry.

Sawyer's posture was unlike his usual self—shoulders slumped, hands trembling violently. The sky seemed to mirror his turmoil, opening up and releasing a torrent of rain upon them. The droplets found their way beneath his visor.

Aiyana immediately enveloped Sawyer in a comforting embrace, her arms wrapping around him with a protective warmth. He couldn't help but sob into her shoulder, his body trembling with each heaving breath. Ezekiel peeked out from the doorway, his expression a mix of concern and helplessness. Seeing the intimate moment, he quietly stepped back inside and closed the door quietly.

Worry etched itself across Aiyana's face as she held him tighter, her own emotions battling to remain composed. Time seemed to stretch endlessly, each minute laden with the weight of Sawyer's grief. The transition from dusk to night was seamless, the dusk melting into a canvas of stars that blinked softly against the obsidian sky.

The embrace continued as the first stars began to appear. The rhythmic rise and fall of his sobs gradually subsided, the storm within him calming as the night deepened. His breathing slowed, becoming less ragged, and the tears that had once flowed like an unyielding river began to dry up.

Finally, as the moon cast its gentle glow over the world, Sawyer pushed himself away from Aiyana, his eyes red and swollen from crying. He wiped the remaining tears from his face with the back of his hand, the tracks glistening faintly in the moonlight.

"….Sorry about that…." Sawyer murmured, his voice gravelly as he cleared his throat immediately afterward. "I've seemed to have lost myself for a moment…." The tear trails were still evident on his cheeks, glistening faintly in the dim light.

"….I think I'm going to head to bed…..Thanks….For everything…." He paused between his words, each one heavy with the myriad of emotions he couldn't fully express. His voice trembled slightly, but he managed to hold it steady.

Aiyana stood for a moment, a perplexed look stalled on her face, as if she was absorbing the weight of the emotions that had just unfolded.