Dear Rana: Pano

Falling for Rana was like falling in outer space — impossible. Or so I thought. The moment I saw her after our semester break made my heart skip a beat. I told myself I should keep these feelings from her. "Hey, Janine!" She smiled at me. "How was your break?" She added and sat beside me. I leaned on my chair and composed myself. "Unproductive," I simply smiled at her. Lord. Look at her; her eyes, her hair, and her voice makes me melt.

Her voice is not some girly-ass voice you would typically hear. Rana's is kind of deep, the kind of voice cool girls have; her hair was layered, and they flow effortlessly on her back; her eyes were expressive though oftentimes nonchalant. But the thing I like most about her is that fact that she plays instrunents — my weakness. She is quiet, smart, and simple. Even more reasons to like her.

The day started and ended with us talking about her break. I love listening to her because she does not talk often, especially inside the classroom. I would like her to think that someone listens just in case she feels like she has no one. But I know that it is impossible. I can see her on her phone most of the time, texting with someone else. I wonder who that is. Lucky them.

Rana and I are not that close. We talk to each other as friends and block mates would, but we never get deep in a conversation. I wish we do, but I know that I will only fall for her even more. And I wish that she would notice me, not as a block mate, but as someone who bears feelings for her. I sent her subtle signals like opening doors for her, complementing her, and sharing my umbrella with her but to no avail. Am I giving the right signals, or is she really that numb? Maybe she chose to ignore it.

I know that this happy crush thing might not last. I know that this is only temporary and I will look back onto it with embarrassment while saying things like, "why did I even do that?" I know that I am not her type, and she does not imagine having a relationship with a girl like me. Nonetheless, I would like to think that there might be a possibility. Even if it is only 0.001%.

I was finally walking home alone back to my dorm. Rana already climbed inside the jeepney as I waved her goodbye. The cold December breeze finally hit my face and that was when I realized that I am too delusional to think I can make her fall in love with me. I quietly laughed to myself as I crossed the intersection. After entering my dorm, I cried myself to sleep.