Worse Decision

It's been a week since we returned home, and everything already feels like day one.

I know you're all wondering what happened after we got home, and I'll give you a quick summary.

After we got home, my mom, grandma, and Kendrick conversed, while I stood and watched, feeling a bit awkward standing next to Kendrick, knowing that we had kissed.

And after that, I began to ignore him.

That might have been the most foolish thing I did, but I ignored him!

I deliberately missed his calls and told my mom to tell him I was sick when he came by.

However, he still came to see me, but I pretended to be asleep the whole time. I didn't know if he noticed, but I just felt like I needed time.

I didn't even let him know we were leaving the next day, but I'm pretty sure my mom had told him, as she has now seemingly adopted him as a new son.

We eventually left the next day, and even after that, I continued to ignore his calls and texts, although I did read them.

He sounded a bit upset and asked if avoiding him was the right thing to do. Honestly, I don't know if it is either.

I just feel like I'm not ready to be in any relationship right now, that's all.

And now, all I know is that my life has returned to square one.

Since we got back from the village, I've been living my mundane life - waking up, eating, sleeping, doing household chores, and the like.

Although I was eager to leave the village, I surprisingly miss it now, as a lot of thrilling events occurred, and most notably, the kiss I shared with Kendrick.

I'm uncertain if I'll ever see him again, as our paths may diverge depending on our academic pursuits.

One of us might gain admission, while the other doesn't, or neither of us might get in, or both of us could.

Regardless, I hope I secure admission, and as for Kendrick...I'm being selfish, I know.

I've been replaying his messages daily, and I'll do so now.

It's been three days since he last contacted me, and I miss him dearly.

I miss his light brown eyes, his twists, his voice, his lips - everything.

But does he miss me too?

I sigh, 'Haaaa,' and pick up my phone to revisit our messages.

"What's wrong?'

"Why're you Ignoring me?'

"You're living tommorow right? Safe journey!"

"Why're you avoiding me?

Is this the right thing to do?"

Missed call - 17:05

Missed call - 20:19

"Your mom is so nice; she made some snacks that I can't recall the names of, but they're really nice!"

Friday - 12:01

"Heyyy!!!"

"Wanna talk?"

"What's wrong?"

Saturday - 13:15

"Are you mad at me?"

"Could it be because we kissed?"

"Uhm, I'm sorry if you felt it was irrational of me, it just felt great in the moment."

"I could do it again."

19:55

"Uhm, you're still upset?"

"What's wrong? What did I do to you?"

"Why are you being this way?"

"I thought you were different."

"I know you're reading my messages, and it's rude not to respond."

Sunday - 14:00

"Why the hell are you avoiding me?"

"Can I know what I did wrong?"

"Well if you don't want to talk anymore, then Fuck Off!"

"I'm done with you."

"Goodbye."

I take a deep breath, feeling the heaviness in my chest.

"Stupid me!"

"Why am I this way?"

I instantly switch off the phone and fling it aside. I just hate myself.

"I hate myself!"

I bury my face in the pillow, lying on my stomach.

"I admit I like him, but why am I making this so difficult!"

"What's wrong with you, Mandy!!!!!"

"I finally had the chance to be with someone, and I'm letting it slip away. What if he finds someone else and forgets all about me."

"I just hate myself, I hate myself!"

Suddenly, my phone's notification interrupts my self-loathing: "Ting tong."

I quickly sit up, my heart racing, and grab my phone from the bed.

I scroll through to see if it's indeed Kendrick. And it is!

My heart skips a beat as I read his message: "Hey"

"Sorry if I was rude."

"Wanna talk?"

My fingers seem to move on their own, driven by my longing for him. I start typing: "uhm hi."

I hesitate for a moment, my thumb hovering over the send button.

Should I really be doing this? But my longing for him wins out, and I press send.

"Uhm hi," I send, my heart racing with anticipation.

I wait for what feels like an eternity for his response. Finally, my phone buzzes with an incoming message.

"Hey Mandy, I'm super sorry about what I said earlier. I was totally frustrated that I wasn't hearing back from you, and I shouldn't have blown up like that. Can we talk it out and catch up?"

His apology melts my heart, and I feel a warmth spread through my chest, replacing my earlier resolve to ignore him.

"Uhm, hey Kendrick," I type, my fingers flying across the screen.

"I'm sorry too. I was feeling overwhelmed and didn't know how to deal with it."

I click the send button and await his response.

"So, I guess we've made up then?" He responds almost immediately.

I send a sticker of an animated girl nervously nodding, and then await his response.

After what feels like a minute, his response breaks my heart: "Okay, I have to go now."

I thought he wanted to talk. Why is he pushing me away? Could it be that he has lost interest in me?

Oh well, I deserve it.

With my broken heart, I begin typing slowly: "Talk later then."

I tentatively reach for the send button, but I somehow press it, and it sends.

He views it immediately and begins typing.

My heart leaps once more, thinking maybe he wants to say something before ending our conversation.

But all he sends is: "👍"

My heart freezes at his response - just a thumbs up?

Doesn't he want to talk anymore or discuss the kiss or our relationship?

Then, he goes offline, leaving me standing alone, frozen.

I deserve it; I deserve every bit of his indifference.

Maybe I'm meant to be alone. I chased away the only person interested in me, just like in high school when I ignored my only friend, and she eventually left me to befriend the head girl.

After that, I was always alone. I tried reconciling, but it was too late - she had grown close with the head girl.

Why am I like this?

The pain in my heart intensifies, flooding me with painful memories.

I wish I had never existed. I wish I hadn't been the one to survive out of the millions of sperm, but had died along with the rest.

The pain in my heart stings my eyes, sending unbidden tears rolling down my cheeks.

There's no comfort in the world that can heal the pain I've endured.

I'm weak-hearted and selfish, and I deserve to be alone.

I should be isolated from everyone and made to suffer for my stupidity.

I've lost everything; nothing is within my reach anymore. That's why I deserve to be alone.