The Life before

I have always been attracted to many things and some of those things are things that I can not make mine, from parents to siblings, aunt's and uncles, Grand parents, friends, cousin's, nieces and nephews, and a soulmate. I know I am a silly human being for thinking about a soulmate but if you knew me you would probably think I was crazy. Yeah I might be crazy, I have been called worse though. My life has been a whirlwind of mistakes from one to another, starting from when I was a kid.

I was born out of wedlock and I know a lot of people are born out of wedlock but if it is in anyway like mine, I am so sorry and I hope you get the help you need. I never got to be with my father, he was messed up, he was not good enough and he always made excuses when ever my mother would call him at least Soni was told, but I came to believe it was true as time went by and I actually saw it all for my self, he never cared, and you must be thinking what are you whining about you must have had the love of your mother, well you could say or call it that, but to me I never did, I am not an ingrate or anything else like that, I always appreciated everything that was done for me and I always will.

At a very young age I had to learn how to cry on my own, no one truly cared I always thought and I was right and I am right, no one loved me. Studying nursing and reading about mental health made me come to Know that a lot of things were wrong with me and it was all from my childhood, whenever I would cry and make a sound my mother would hit me and tell me to shut up, so I would hold my lips shut with my hands and pray to God that I do not make a single sound as I cried my lungs out, sometimes I would gaps for air when I could not breathe while crying. I never got any comfort not from anyone except from my great-grandfather may he rest in peace, it still hurts knowing that he did not see me growing into this beautiful lady I am today, even though family and society has always made me question how I looked and why I looked how I look.

I was never the child my mother hope for and still hopes for, I am nothing but a disappointment to her and I sure as hell will always be according to her books. I am not worth breathing the same air as they do, i am just incompetent. My mother always preferred my cousin sister to me, she was perfect in every way, I mean she is perfect in every way, ways you could not even imagine, she has the brains, the body fat, the kindness, the meekness, the Godliness she could never sin, the only flaw was that my uncle did not marry her mother and they always fought about this. Of course she was big, she is big and she never said any bad words, she was calm and understanding, she was light, while I on the other hand was or is a rotten Godforsaken brat, all I ever do is take people's joy away, I am like a curse to anyone and everyone that's why no one is allowed to love me or care for me.

When we where younger my cousin would do so many weird things to my but I could not tell my mother because I knew she did not care hell no she never cared, I never called her mom growing up, whenever I tried she would always yell at me and say she has not given birth that I should go find my mother, you know when you where a kid and you would get hurt and call out to your mom when crying by saying " mom help me, mommy" well I could never, when I cried I always called out to God, or sometimes my great-grandfather, he was the only one I could trust and I was only eight years old at the time. Whenever my cousin and I would get into a fight, everyone always sided with her because I was the demon child, the possessed one, I always did wrong, and whenever I thought I thought my mom would side with me, I was always wrong, she was always the one who would abuse me physically while everyone used words, most times she would use both words and physical hits and it broke me every time.

Even though I could never call my mother, mom, I still had hopes that one day I could, and I also praid silently for a father figure in my life since my birth father always made excuses on why he is not a father. When I was eleven my mother had traveled so I was staying at my great grandmother's house, and when she fell sick, both she and I were taken to her daughter's and her husband's house,so she could be looked after properly, my aunt had a son my age,who was the eldest and another boy and a girl, I really liked my aunt and wanted to play with her kids, but she would not let me put trousers and she would say her husband comes around from work most times and I can not wear trousers in her house,even though they were not trousers but under knee level baggy pants, after arguing with my great-grand mother for hours I remember my great grandmother asking her if this little kid could seduce her husband and she said she did not care, she went out and bought me an ankle lenght skirt and a wrist lenght long sleeve button up shirt, I thought her kids were my friends at the time but they were her kids I guess. You know how kids brag about things they didn't have, well I did, my cousin's had said that they had girlfriends and that they had done things with the girls, I did not want to feel left out so I said I had a boyfriend, thinking back now, I guess I was trying to impress them.