The Rejected

I have come to a point that I no longer feel sad about getting rejected, it is no longer a new thing for me. I had never told a guy how I felt, but the only two men I have told both rejected me, I do not know if maybe it had something to do with me. All the men that wanted a relationship with me always wanted something from me, I always wanted love and I always believed in love but that only backfired at me lol. I always knew it was a silly thought for me to think that I could ever be loved, if your own family do not love you, what makes you think you can find love somewhere else.

Sigh! Loneliness is like a second name I have always come to accept, when I would see couples doing annoying things in front of me it always pissed me off. The fielrst guy I had told that I liked him, he had thought I was joking around and he said he only liked me and then the second guy was kind of recent but he said he did not want to keep my hopes up, oh well I can not force a relationship I might as well go with plan A again and just become a very successful lady and I might probably not marry then. Like I said previously life is not always what we expect it to be, it is an adventure and a complicated situation. We never really do term to understand that the one meant for us has not come in contact with us or we might have pissed them away, pushing someone or people away, I am actually very good at that, I push people away so that when they hurt me I will not be too damaged. Being pushed away after being used even by family can hurt a lot and most times I feel like I am the rejected, even though I look like someone who does not care about what people have to say about me, it still hurts, not the words from strangers oh no, but the words from those who you let into your life.

My mom once told me why she was being ruthless towards me and she said it was because someone had seen a vision for her about the future that when I become someone great I would not treat her right and that I would not take care of her,so i thought to my self, if someone saw a vision so terrible for you should you not work against it, try to turn things, but no not my mother she walks directly into the vision without a care in the world so that one day she can tell the world how horrible of a daughter I am, so that people can say oh wow she really is a horrible daughter after all her mother has done for her after all her mother has gone through just to make sure she becomes someone great.

I try not to think too much about it all and still try to be the best daughter that I can possibly be, and I want to be some one great so that I can take care of her and my two siblings. Although things are not so easy and have not been quite easy for me, but the little I have I try to make every one feel loved and welcome but it hurts when she makes calls and says to the people she is talking to that I do not do anything for her. It sucks you know, feeling like you are trying your best and you want to continue to try your best only for your love one the only person you never thought could say something like that to say you did nothing or that your best is not enough.

Ever feel like no body wants you and no body ever will, I feel like that most times no not most times, every time. I get heavy migraines very terrible ones, chest pains are the worst but when I tell my mom she simply says "pray" and this has been going on since I was thirteen years old till now, well I am working now but the salary is not enough for me talk less to go get a general body check up, this is my second month here though, I found a job that I liked but mom said it was too far away and she does not want me working that kind of job that people will say why is her daughter working that kind of job but she does not get it does she? I am not going to live my life according to how she wants it and her rules, I do not want that, I want to grow and excel in my own so I can stop feeling like I am the rejected being in the world.

Sometimes when I am on my own I tend to have serious discussions with God and I know that some of you might laugh but I am very serious, this is something that I do just to make sure that I feel okay, that I do not feel pressed or pressured, feeling Invisible can be nice at times but when it becomes just way too much you start to question your existance. Is it a terrible thing to just want to feel whole and not feel complicated like you are half a being even though you are not. Most times I read werewolves and vampires and you know just supernatural stuffs and sometimes that soul mates stuffs makes me happy, that one person who can make you whole, make you happy it is like a blessing, I did make a couple of novels like those ones but I never got to complete them well I will but I just have not completed them yet due to me having ADHD.