A Moment Of Happiness

A little glance at hope can go a long way but I am later reminded that I am not worth being happy, it is always funny how a little Ray of sunshine can give one hope and make you do all your laundry and hang them in the line only to it it rain cats and dogs and make them all wet again. Joy is like a glimmer of hope,it only makes you do stupid things. A smile from my mother to my direction always made me foolish and I let my guard down and over talk and play and I guess it is just a disadvantage of being mentally stuck in a childhood truamer.

I never truly understood why my mom and my siblings would always talk bad things about me and they are just ten and seven years old eight years old soon, I love them but why do they always say harsh words to me. All my life the only dream I had was to make my mom's wish come true and become a nurse and now, I want to become someone so I can care for them more but I do not know why I am treated like this, she paints me outside like I am a bad child and that I am out for her life and she makes people call me, they do not even know what I am going through and they they think that they can just call me and tell me more worse things to make me feel horrible about my self I mean come on, I am a child born and ith with poker dots all over my body from head to toe aka vitiligo and I am being insulted everyday that I have got ezima and typical me who has gotten tired of correcting them I just smile. My life is a living hell but when I come home after all the abuse from the outside world seeking safety in the bossoms of my birth mother I am stabbed multiple times in the face and heart and pushed back outside to the cold world, multiple times I have almost died, she does not know and I do not plan on telling her unless she maybe reads this book, I hope not too soon, sigh, all my life I have read and understood her, while I am the child she birthed she does not know a single thing about me, she used to say my favorite color was pink, she would tell every one this but I told her three years ago that my favorite color is and will always remain Black, with black I feel safe, I feel powerful, I feel strong, pink makes you feel pretty and like a princess, black makes you feel like just a Queen but A goddess. Her favorite color is red but now she claims I like black because it is her favorite color, I mean since when? And when I try to say otherwise, you got it an argument brakes out and the talk about hating me and wishing my cousin was her daughter instead is all I hear.

You know for all the twenty something years of my life when ever she said those words it always broke me no matter what, the first guy who had broke my heart we got together when he saw my crying one night and my roommate was trying to comfort me, and I was actually crying about that cause we had just had a fight over the phone and she had used to words again, he had comforted me that night and that was how we got close. The second guy knows nothing about me which I love, to be honest I am a mess but I know I will not remain this way for ever, I am a fighter and not a quiter.

Well today Clarisbel had a chance to speak out and from my tone I knew I was still broken but I also knew from my tone that I was getting stronger, but the weird part was when after the argument was done and Michaela tried to surface and she started saying shit like the words I should have used I simply just told her to shut up and get out of my head multiple times before she finally quieted down. I asked a friend more like someone I used to be with yeah this guy broke my heart as well, he just stopped talking to me and stopped answering my calls and replying to me chats but now he does any ways I asked and he said yeah he knew where I could meet a psychologist or a therapist whatever but I will someday I just still have not made up my mind but I know I will because all I need is not just a moment of happiness but a whole life of happiness. I do not know if I am the only one going through all of this or if it is in every family but still, I know I need help and I will get it and if you have ever felt this way hang in there okay every thing will be all right.

Making friends all over the world is like another thing I love to do and it is amazing, the little joy I get from just talking to them about everything is simply amazing, it is not just getting lost in reading a book but hlgetting lost in talking to people from all over. Although I have not really seen any one that shares the same passion as me, well I have but they are not really that much. The truth is be it online or what not I can not really keep friends for a long period of time, mum says that my character drives them away and that no one can be with me, but I do not think that is true at all I have a best friend though he and I have been friends for seven years plus now and we still talk, I do not listen to her on matters like this because she had once told me to stop being friends with him, but even a moment of happiness with him is better than nothing.