My Mind Was Made Up

Sucidal thoughts always rang in my head, but I always fought it, I have been in and out of depression so much that I have lost count, yes I used to count and I stopped at ten, the only thing my mother ever said was, if you think you are depressed, let me tell you depression kills and that will just be minus one, and by minus one sheeant minus one child. Sometimes I do not even know how I feel, most night I feel numb and other nights I think I am numb but all the memories start flooding back in my head to the point that I feel that I can not breath and that they are drowning me, my sorrows and fears always consume me, most times I feel like a walking shell or a wandering soul just roaming the surface of this Earth. Are we humans or are we alians maybe I should direct that question at me and my self alone and see where that takes me.

No one else should have to suffer for bringing a child like me into the world, I suck no honestly I know I do and there probably is no word that can say otherwise. I am psychologically challenged at home at school my environment and when I think I am with the right person they torment me as well, to be honest I do not see my self married most times and the times that I do see my self married no am very happy with my husband and my kids and I pray to God daily to please bless me with the right man so that I can have all that I need in my life maybe then will I be full. I understand it looks like a make believe but to be honest it all started as a make believe until now, maybe still is a make believe but one day no someday I know it will all happen and I hope no I pray that my family will be there to have that joy with me.

Writing has always been my only way to escape the world I live in and experience other places and fully allow my personalitie to take over. Reading is something I love I could be anybody in any place at anytime but I so not know why all the books I get interested in they all have a happy ending but they are all pitiful just like me. Yes I do agree I do need a savior but that savior can only be me, I do not need a prince charming to come swoope off my feet, I need no one to fight for me, because I have been doing all the fighting for so long it is so natural to me right now, yes I want to be an independent woman a great woman not to make anybody proud but to make me proud so that one day I can stand with my head high one day and scream Yes I Did This, I Made This, I Am This because I have worked hard. I will see how beautiful I look them when I smile from ear to ear with joy and happiness in my heart over flowing maybe then can a king come in and tell me, I need to join you on this journey.

I guess I never really understood what life held, I am a twenty something years old young lady living with my somehow divorced and somehow still married mother and my two baby siblings, sometimes little arguments about me getting married could make my mother and I not speak to each other for weeks and I end up not eating most of the days cause when I do I always regret it. She always told me she hated how she was always spoken to and treated when she was younger and that pressure made her toarry my stepfather but even I always think of him deep in my heart that he is my father, I am reminded ninthy eight percent out of a hundred percentbof the time that he is not my real father. She always made sure I had my head on straight, it was a little too early for me understand the world but I did and I did so at a very young age and yes I am proud of my self for that.

Growing up I would watch all these Disney princesses movies and I believed everything about true love and the prince and knowing the right one but I guess we were all fools to Disney cartoons and movies once in a while, but it is never silly because as strong as I may seem I still believe in such silly things and that if you make a wish on a shooting star it will come to pass although I have never seen a single shooting star yet I still believe and I also believe in the one where if you also make a wish on your fallen eye lashes they will come true, you can never blame a girl for truly believing in something she hopes will surely and eventually happen one day in her miserable forsaken like, okay now I am just being nover dramatic it's not like it is that bad, right? But I guess for a girl to ha have sucidal thoughts at such young age which is me I mean my mind was made up it was for sure made up and now I am just contemplating on it, I know I need either a therapist or a psychologist, are they the same? I do not even know but the last time I mentioned something like this to my mother she was so pissed out, I mean I asked my student affairs officer she was like a mother to me then, when I asked her she said yes because I had developed panick attacks, she told me to involve my mother in my decision making and when I did I only go backlashed with words like " if you want to give yourself a name that you are crazy, do not involve my family it is up to you" well those words only ended up breaking me and I went back intoy shell.