If Only I Knew

I've always wondered how life would be if I was born somewhere else and by someone else, well I guess I would not be me, sigh! I honestly do not know how I keep surviving, it is like a hunger game, survival of the fittest. I never got a real friend that I could call my own, anyone I thought was my friend already has a serious friendship going on and I just was not important to them, not even my male friends needed me as a friend, when they needed my help with work I was there but later on I got cut out, it's like a war going on inside my head and inside of me.

If only I knew what life truly held, they say God already knew you before you where born, does that mean that God saw all of this happening to me and he still said my child go on to the world. I do not want to be a bad mom to my kids, I want my kids to love me and I want to do the best I can for my kids, I do not want my kids to be scared of me and think that I do not love them. I want to get married like everyone else, I want to care for my husband and my children, I love children and I do want to have kids now, but I am only waiting for a man that I can rightfully call my own. I want to live a righteous life with my family, I am not saying that we will not sin, everybody sins, just I want a peaceful life, I want to grow old with my husband, I want to act like a child with my husband and have him love me more, I never had a fun childhood and I know I will create amazing ones with my kids, I want a man who will look at me and say that's my woman the one acting like a baby and I love her so much, I want to have mood swings with my husband.

If only I could take a glamps at my future and know what it holds but still I love it this way, not like I do not already get few glamps at my future most times, sometimes when I'm in the middle of something I stop and I realize that I have already lived through this already and when I asked I was told I had a strong connection with my future self, sometimes I end up changing a few things and sometimes I just let it replay especially when I feel sad about that moment. Lucid dreams, what are lucid dreams? Well it is when you are aware that you are dreaming while you are asleep and you Know what is happening is not real but still it feels so real, most people say they can not control their lucid dreams and some say that they can, well I am one of the few people that can and it gets pretty fun.

Most times when I feel that my reality is dragging me down in sadness I just conjure my very own dream, it starts out with me imagining it and then it plays off in my sleep and I have full control. I remember the time I had woken up and I realized I was crying in my sleep. The funny thing was I do not remember dreaming and sometimes I dream that one day I will find out that my parents are not my parents and in this dream I am both devastated and confused. But to me though my mother will always be the best, yes the sadder days are more than that of the joyful days but it is those joyful moment that give me the light to hold on, they are the lights that I have been holding on to for so long.

The worst thing you can ever do to your self is regret, saying things like " if only I knew! If I could! I wish I could!" You could not and you probably never will so let that past boost you up and make you stronger. This is so silly, I should say all this to myself right? Wrll i do snd the funny thing is that I just finished crying a couple of minutes ago. Bring a woman is not always easy, everyone expects you to sometimes be strong and sometimes show weakness and when you show strength too much and cry when you are alone, that is when the hate strts and they start seeing you as a monster, well the truth is you are not a monster that is what makes you female that is what makes you a woman that is what makes you human. If you did not cry alone and you did u front of them they would not understand and call you a weakling and they would not be able to help me they will only make ridicul of you.

Sometimes telling a stranger your pain can be very nice, you push all the pain away and embrace the sorrow, you cry and then you move on. Well not all strangers will be nice, some will ridicul you, I need to be a strong woman not just for Clarisbel who is me but also for my future family. I am not saying that it will be easy, it never is and it will not be but someday it will all be worth it. Having weird thoughts are not a bad thing but my family sure know how to make you think you are crazy, I have never really seen myself as beautiful maybe it is because my mother always said I was ugly and I just accepted it to the point that when I am told about how pretty I am, I just tell the person to stop making fun of me. But for sometime now I have learnt to accept how gorgeous I am and that I am wonderfully made in God's image.