The Life After: A Warning To Young Folks

No matter how life gets never forget who you once where, the sweet innocent and caring being that you are, even when people say otherwise and call you a demon of some sort, do not let it get to you, although I did try to be the demon they said I was, it felt nice I really had to admit, but I knew deep down in me that it was wrong and that I missed the sweet innocent girl I was, I knew I could never get her back, she had been hurt and tortured and it was up to me to make things right for her, to care for her and make sure that she feels save no matter where she has decided to hide her self deep inside of me. Sometimes I talk to her and let her know that I am right her and that I will defend her no matter the cause, but she does not reply.

I do have a split personality I have to agree and it is something I have come to accept, I developed it when I was younger and it's still with me. I am sure my mom must have noticed that I act differently at times but she does not really care about it, I could die for all she cares that is minus one child, she once said to me. There is Michaela who does not care or worry about what people think, she's the strong one, there is Lyris who is just so meek and cares about everyone and there is Clarisbel who of course is me the already broken one.

Hi, my name is Clarisbel and this is my story. I was eight when a boy tried to take advantage of me after I ran away I could not tell anyone I just stood at a corner observing everyone, when I was sixteen a boy took advantage of me I was scared that I cried in the shower that evening trying to wash his feelings and the bloodstains away, when my mom came back that day I was quiet and I could not speak and when my younger brother touched me I trembled that was when she asked me if I was okay and I said yes. It was later on that she found out from me what the boy had done, he was a neighbor's son and that neighbor was like a sister to my mom.

When my Dad came back for us, I mean my stepdad, I was all quiet because everyone had blameed the incident on me. Then my mom had cought my step dad watching porn on his laptop and he put the blaame on me saying I was the one who put it in his laptop, I did not even know the Wifi password at the time, of course she believed him asap and called her whole family telling them that I want to ruin her marriage. I stayed in a boarding school for almost two years, a girl had bullied me and had bitten my arm and when I tried to do the same and she pushed me and later got hurt,bi got the blame instead. My teachers at the time had taken my side saying they have never known me to be the type that attacks and that the girl probably the started the whole thing, I was always an accident and I will always be an accident and sometimes when I look at the broken girl looking back at me in the mirror I say to her, " you will be okay but you know everytime she looks at you she remembers the accident that reminds her of her hurt, her pain, your useless father of a being, and seeing your face everyday makes her sick, you should end it!" I was thirteen at that time.... so I started to write novels and have imaginary friends and families and I would think of a better life , with my mom Happy and she wouldn't have to day hurtful words to me when she was angry... I had the first thought of ending it all when I was fourteen... I started to but on a happy face at the age of seven I didn't want anyone to know I wasn't okay because I didn't want to be an inconvenience...

everyone adored my older cousin cause she was smarter in terms of books... and I always found it difficult to stay focused... but I did try never leaving the third and fourth position in all my classes in grade school...it wasn't like I wasn't smart... I was.. or I am... but I just didn't have anyone showing interest and I knew my mom loved my cousin more so I retreated back into my shell.

mom would say things like I wish you weren't my child, I wish your cousin was my child...if only I could ask her mom to swap kids with me then I could have her... and things like..if I wasn't the only one who gave birth that day I would have said that you weren't mine and that you were swapped. and why are you so dull...

I've been hiding in another world but I'm always judged about it by people... I can't keep a relationship because I can never trust not just when but both gender... I never had anyone to talk to as a child..I would play with my great-grand dad as a child....so when I was fourteen and he died I had a panick attack but I had it alone... I couldn't have anyone seeing me not even my mom.... didn't want her to hate me.... to be honest I was scared, scared of her and her opinions I always wanted her approvals... I wanted to make her smile, I still do. I still tell her I love her...incase I don't get a chance to tell her anymore I hope she always knows that I did and she knows I want her to be happy. I was always scared so when I was sixteen and an accident happened everyone blamed me... it's always me...I don't need pity or I'm not saying you should think that I'm pathetic or something... but why... I always thought...my cousin was bigger than me in terms of size and height... but I always had the sharp mouth, so when she would pick on me and I would say something I had picked up from them that they had said to me cause I didn't know the meaning back then... I would get beaten, and they would pamper her...my mom always did the hitting...and the hurting... everyone else just said hurtful words... I didn't get it she had both her mom and her dad but I wasn't even allowed to call my mother mom... I called her aunt...cause she hated me calling her mom...the day I tried it...well let's just say...I couldn't breathe.... I learnt how to cry on my own by myself alone in my room in the dark when I was seven, I would sit myself and cry silently and when mom heard she'd beat me more... n if my silent cries came out I sounded like according to them a radio...

I started to put on a strong persona from the age of seven and I still am...

I guess everyone I've ever loved has and have hurt me bad thats why I sometimes tend to end relationships before they could bloom... id rather push you away than to have you hurt me...

when i was younger I could finish writing a novel...and people loved it. I didn't tell my mom I loved writing because when she saw a book I was writing she said I had horrible imaginations I was twelve and in a boarding school.... A big one..

I needed a best friend so when I got a baby brother I was super excited but all I could do was go back to my imaginary best friends...I still play make believe I guess I'm still stuck in my childhood....you know...it's a psychiatric problem lol...I got a baby sister... I thought everything was good...I had a dad even though I couldn't tell him anything anymore he was still there and he tried...I has my mom and my two baby siblings...but having an abusive stepdad that would always hit your mom and you wanting to separate the fights always made you the next target for hurtful words from him and a few unknown bruise and having your mom later saying that you are ruining he marriage...and after they got devorced you were the collector of all the transferred aggressiveness everyday. Even though you just wanted her to be happy and still do she does not care about your feelings and she never will be.