My Choices

I have never been proud of my decisions, that is because I have made a lot of wrong and terribly lame ass decisions in my life so far, and it only makes things worse, to be honest that is if I am being honest with my self, even writing this book I know it is a bad idea, because I always tend to see the worst case scenario all my life that is what it has always been.

Yes I am an over thinker? I do not really care. For a few days now, I have gone back into force trading, this is something that I love doing and it brings me joy when I am winning, and yes I know that it is not every day that you win,but when you know you are winning and something or someone just comes and ruin everything, you get really angry and frustrated. Well that is exactly how I am feeling right now, I do not really have much but the little I have I am trying to make a better use of.

The previous day while I was in the middle of a trading session my mother called me, and today it was my boss, like why do they even call me, they are only going to say the same thing that I already know and it pisses me off knowing that their calls made and makes me loose a lot of money. I have told my mother countless times " please do not call me when I am at work" and my boss should know better than to call me after working hours, because I have gone home and there is no issue left behind by me at work, what is all the point but no, they don not care, it is not their money, or their emotions.

Sometimes I feel like not existing is the best thing to do. All I feel inside right now is rage, and when I want to talk to my mother about it she is always on a call. She always espects me to drop everything that I am doing to focused and listen to her when she has a problem, but when I need her, she is never there, she never pays attention to me or my feelings and when I tell her any little thing before telling her what is really going on with me, she is already bringing me down and making me feel like an unwanted trash.

I feel suffocated, I feel hated, and I feel like I am not good enough. Sometimes there are movies that I watch and I always feel like the characters, like Inside out two, when Reilly said " I am not good enough" I felt that, and call me weak butni cried, and in enchanto when abuela told notable that the miracle was dying because of her it reminded me of when my mom told me that her marriage with my stepdad did not work out because of me that I ruined her marriage.

I am so used to taking every ones problems and all the blames on myself that I do not see who I truly am, and losing tonight really hurts but that does not mean I will give up, I will keep trying again and again and again, just to make sure I get better at it. I know I worry too much but that is just me, I know I need to change but I want to change on my own terms and not on any bodys. I hope my mom will see for me and understand that I am truly trying my best and that I will keep trying my best just to make sure she acknowledge me and no I do not have mommy issues, lol, I just feel alone and I want to be seen for me and not for any body else.

The choices i have made and that I am making are what is making me a better person. And I know that someday I will become a great person, I might also truelly love trading now because I love it and also because I have an amazing teacher who could be my age lol I like him, but he will only know once I am close to his level, you know to soften out the edges of that makes sence.

I have also notice that I am now less out spoken, I only talk when it is necessary and yes I have lost se people along the way but if they were supposed to be in my life, they would have stayed, but they did not so it is all for the better, yes I am still upset but every thing will work out in due time and I just know it. I know I might be doing things and it feels like it's a dairy but no it is not, more like I am writing my experience so that is there is someone out there who is feeling the exact same way I am feeling and needs a friend I am right here and I will always be unless I get tired of it all and decide to end it.

Silly you, end it as in stop writing books like I love to and just stop doing anything that I love. Doing what you're family dreams of you doing does not always have to be the end and you can always achieve the goals that you want to achieve no matter what and no matter what anyone says. I love art but I went into science because my mom lives science and she wanted me to be a Nurse and while yes I am a nurse, I also write books and I love the feelings I get when I write books and also when I do what I love.

There is just one problem I have, although I know that telling my mom something that I am doing always ends up not working out for me, I still get the urge to tell her, it is like I went from my secret keeping self to the ine that just blabs and to be honest I do not know what has come over me but I am willing to fight it.