Chapter 04: Zindagi (Life).

shaamein malang si, raatein surang si

baaghi udaan pe hi na jaane kyun

ilahi mera jee aaye aaye

ilahi mera jee aaye aaye

kal pe sawaal hai, jeena filhaal hai

khaana badoshiyon pe hi jaane kyun

ilahi mera jee aaye aaye

ilahi mera jee aaye aaye

__ __ __

Rehman's POV

(A/N: Entire translation of this chapter is given in the end.)

May 2024.

"Rehman yaar, band kar snaps lena aur chal, sab wait kar rahe hain," Shahzain pulls me towards his car, his impatience evident in his voice. I can't help but chuckle, pocketing my phone as I follow him.

"Acha, acha chalo," I replied, settling into the passenger seat. Shahzain rolls his eyes but smiles. His reactions are always amusing.

As Shahzain starts the engine, I glance around the campus. It's hard to believe this chapter of our lives is closing. The university that has seen us grow, struggle, and succeed is now a memory. 

Shahzain and I have always been inseparable—brothers more than cousins. We left for abroad together, lived together, and now, we're graduating together.

"Yaar, yeh din bhi aa gaya," Shahzain says, his eyes on the road. "Kitna socha tha, aur ab sab kuch khatam ho raha hai."

"Haan," I nod, staring out the window.

"Ready for the next adventure?" Shahzain asks after a while, breaking my reverie.

"Always," I reply, feeling a mix of excitement and nostalgia. "It's hard to believe it's already over."

Shahzain grins, "bro jee, it's just the beginning."

We arrived at the restaurant, greeted by the laughter and cheers of our friends. Lunch is a chaotic blend of nostalgia and excitement for the future, stories of the past years shared over plates of food. I find myself lost in thoughts more than once, my mind drifting back to her.

"Rehman, tu sun raha hai?" one of our friends, nudges me, pulling me back to the present.

"Haan, haan, sun raha hoon," I reply with a smile, but my thoughts remain scattered.

After lunch, we decided to take a drive down to the old racing spot. It's a place we've visited countless times, a stretch of road on the outskirts of the city where we've had some of our most thrilling races. Tonight, it's the perfect way to end our university journey.

"Rehman, aaj tou mein tujhe hara ke hi rahunga," Shahzain teases as we line up our cars.

"Dekhte hain," I reply, a grin spreading across my face.

The thrill of the race becomes a welcome distraction from the thoughts swirling in my mind.

The engines roar to life, and for a few moments, everything else fades away. It's just the road, the car, and the rush of adrenaline. Shahzain and I weave through the traffic, the city lights blurring past us.

As we race, I hear that melodic voice again, "tum phir gaari chalate hoye phone use kar rahe ho na!?" 

The voice was low at first as if coming from far away, but then it kept getting higher. 

"Tumhara kitni dafa accident hoty hoty bacha hai lekin kabhi samajh mein nahi aata tumhare."

My mind went numb. She was here again on the passenger seat drinking her favourite iced mocha, her cheeks most definitely puffed up like a kid. I didn't dare to look. "It's just another illusion", "she's not her", I told myself.

"Rehman, speed up!" Shahzain's voice crackles through the Bluetooth connection in our cars. "Peechay reh gaya hai kya?"

"Nahin, yaar. Bas araam se," I startled out of my trance, pushing the accelerator harder. The car surges forward, and for a moment, I tried to clear my head, focusing on the race. Tried to feel the sense of freedom I used to get, that now is gone.

Memories of my chashmish flashes through my mind—her laughter, her smile, the way she used to look at me, the way her eyes shined with sparkles full of life. My vision going blur again.

I see her now in the rearview mirror, her reflection blending with the city lights. It's a distraction I can't afford, and yet, I can't help but let my mind wander back to her.

I heard Shahzain again but couldn't exactly make out his words. I was losing my focus, but somehow managed to make it to the end without a crash.

The race ended with Shahzain barely beating me to the finish line. No matter how distracted I was, I still drove at an abnormally fast speed, out of habit. He jumps out of his car, arms raised in victory.

"Jeet gaya, Rehman! Finally!" he shouts, laughing.

I step out, shaking my head with a smile. "Haan, haan, jeet gaya. Aaj tera din tha."

We stood there, catching our breath, the night air cool against our skin. 

As the others left after the long night it's just Shahzain and me. He looked at me, his expression turning serious. 

"Rehman, tu theek hai na? Aur please koi fazul si baat kar ke baat mat taalna, tu aaj pura din se kahin khoya hua hai."

I sighed, leaning against the car. "Yaar, mein...", there was no point in lying to him. He knew everything that happened, he saw how miserable I've been throughout these past years, how I pushed myself up everyday and moved forward. I wouldn't have come so far if not for him, so I let it all out on him like always. 

"Mein kyun akhir usko bhul nahi pata. Mein thak gaya hun apne dil-o-dimagh se larte larte. Mujhe har jaga dikhti hai woh. Har shay mein uska aks nazar ata hai, Uski awaz har waqt mere andar goonjti rehti hai. Mein pagal ho raha hun."

Shahzain looked at me worried but kept silent, understanding in his eyes. 

"Kyun nahi samjhty woh keh mein usko dukh de kar kaise aage barh sakta hun, kese khush reh sakta hun. Uske na hone par kese kuch aur soch sakta hun, kese kahin aur dehan laga sakta hun. Aik wade keh peechy kitna khuwar ho raha hun. Apne aap ko jitna samait-ta hun aur bikhar jata hun." I felt my eyes filling up.

"'Abhi tum jazbati ho kar soch rahe ho. Puri zindagi tumhare samne hai, tumhe mustaqbil bnana hai apna. Abhi sirf apne career pe focus karo, dekhna waqt guzarne ke saath saath sab bhool jao gy, Rehman.' Yahi kaha tha na unhon ne, ja kr batao unhe ke 5 saal hone wale hain aur aaj tak kuch nahi bhula mein, kuch nahi bhul paya mein. Kuch der ke liye sans roki zaroor ja sakti hai, lekin sans lena bhula nahi ja sakta!" A lone tear escaped my left eye.

We drove back in silence, the weight of our conversation hanging between us. 

I took my sleeping pills as I lay in bed, my thoughts taking me back to her. 

I wonder how she is. She started college before me so must've graduated by now. Did she become an artist? She always wanted to hold an exhibition for her art work. She must've held a few after graduation. 

"Do you ever think about me, chashmish?" I said aloud looking at the ceiling. "Do you still miss your maan?" And just like every other night the sleep took over me, leaving the ghost of my words hanging in the air. 

The next few days passed by in a blur of graduation ceremonies and farewell parties. Shahzain and I threw ourselves into the celebrations.

January 2026.

The days turned into weeks and weeks into months. Shahzain and I had started our own Gaming company. I've indulged myself in work as much as possible to keep myself distracted, to keep her away from my thoughts. Yet, every now and then, something reminds me of her—a random song, or a scent, malls, ice-cream. Coffee and cake reminds me of her the most. Even yummy—my cat— reminds me of her. 

As I sit in my office, going through some documents, a notification pops up on my phone. It's a photo from an old friend, a picture from one of our school events. Abeer is in it, laughing, her eyes sparkling with joy.

I stare at the photo for a long moment, my heart aching. I realize that no matter how much I try to bury my feelings, they always resurface.

Flashback

"Tum mujhe har moment ki snaps bhejna."

"Hmm."

"Pinky promise karo bhulo ge nahi!" 

I chuckled, shaking my head. I took her pinky with my own making a promise, not knowing I wouldn't be able to keep it.

"Chalo ab jao, mujhe ghar se calls a rahi hein aur abhi Ahmed ki shaadi par bhi jaana—", she kept looking at me, holding her tears back. She always makes this face when she's about to cry and she doesn't like to speak in this state. She stutters a lot, which makes her cry even more out of embarrassment, therefore she goes silent. 

Her doe-eyes staring at me, pleading and holding back so much more than just tears. My own eyes welled up. There was so much to say and yet we both stayed silent. Our eyes had said what our tongues couldn't. 

A moment passed and she looked away, composing herself she left the car silently. She looked back twice before she entered her house and I rushed my car out of her street, my face now wet with tears.

End of flashback

__ __ __

tu jo nazron ke samne kal hoga nahi

tujhko dekhe bin mein mar na jaun kahin

tujhko bhul jaun kaise? 

maane na manaun kaise?

tu bata

roke na ruke naina..

__ __ __

TRANSLATION:

May 2024.

"Rehman, man, stop taking snaps and come on, everyone's waiting." Shahzain pulls me towards his car, his impatience evident in his voice. I can't help but chuckle, pocketing my phone as I follow him.

"Ok ok, let's go," I replied, settling into the passenger seat. Shahzain rolls his eyes but smiles. His reactions are always amusing.

As Shahzain starts the engine, I glance around the campus. It's hard to believe this chapter of our lives is closing. The university that has seen us grow, struggle, and succeed is now a memory. 

Shahzain and I have always been inseparable—brothers more than cousins. We left for abroad together, lived together, and now, we're graduating together.

"Finally this day came too," Shahzain says, his eyes on the road. "We had so many plans, and now everything's coming to an end."

"Yeah," I nod, staring out the window.

"Ready for the next adventure?" Shahzain asks after a while, breaking my reverie.

"Always," I reply, feeling a mix of excitement and nostalgia. "It's hard to believe it's already over."

Shahzain grins, "bro, it's just the beginning."

We arrived at the restaurant, greeted by the laughter and cheers of our friends. Lunch is a chaotic blend of nostalgia and excitement for the future, stories of the past years shared over plates of food. I find myself lost in thoughts more than once, my mind drifting back to her.

"Rehman, are you listening?" one of our friends, nudges me, pulling me back to the present.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm listening", I reply with a smile, but my thoughts remain scattered.

After lunch, we decided to take a drive down to the old racing spot. It's a place we've visited countless times, a stretch of road on the outskirts of the city where we've had some of our most thrilling races. Tonight, it's the perfect way to end our university journey.

"Rehman, today I'm definitely going to beat you", Shahzain teases as we line up our cars.

"Let's see," I reply, a grin spreading across my face.

The thrill of the race becomes a welcome distraction from the thoughts swirling in my mind.

The engines roar to life, and for a few moments, everything else fades away. It's just the road, the car, and the rush of adrenaline. Shahzain and I weave through the traffic, the city lights blurring past us.

As we race, I hear that melodic voice again, "You're using your phone while driving again, aren't you!?" 

The voice was low at first as if coming from far away, but then it kept getting higher. 

"You've had so many close calls, but you never seem to learn."

My mind went numb. She was here again on the passenger seat drinking her favourite iced mocha, her cheeks most definitely puffed up like a kid. I didn't dare to look. "It's just another illusion", "she's not here", I told myself.

"Rehman, speed up!" Shahzain's voice crackles through the Bluetooth connection in our cars. 

"Falling behind, are you?" 

"No, man. Just taking it easy," I startled out of my trance, pushing the accelerator harder. The car surges forward, and for a moment, I tried to clear my head, focusing on the race. Tried to feel the sense of freedom I used to get, that now is gone.

Memories of my chashmish flashes through my mind—her laughter, her smile, the way she used to look at me, the way her eyes shined with sparkles full of life. My vision going blur again.

I see her now in the rearview mirror, her reflection blending with the city lights. It's a distraction I can't afford, and yet, I can't help but let my mind wander back to her.

I heard Shahzain again but couldn't exactly make out his words. I was losing my focus, but somehow managed to make it to the end without a crash.

The race ended with Shahzain barely beating me to the finish line. No matter how distracted I was, I still drove at an abnormally fast speed, out of habit. He jumps out of his car, arms raised in victory.

"I won, Rehman! Finally!" he shouts, laughing.

I step out, shaking my head with a smile. "Yeah, you won. It was your day today."

We stood there, catching our breath, the night air cool against our skin. 

As the others left after the long night it's just Shahzain and me. He looked at me, his expression turning serious. 

"Rehman, are you alright? And please don't brush it off with some random excuse. You've been lost in thoughts all day."

I sighed, leaning against the car. "I...", there was no point in lying to him. He knew everything that happened, he saw how miserable I've been throughout these past years, how I pushed myself up everyday and moved forward. I wouldn't have come so far if not for him, so I let it all out on him like always. 

"Why can't I just forget her? I'm exhausted from battling with my own heart and mind. I see her everywhere. Her image appears in everything, her voice echoes inside me all the time. I'm losing my mind."

Shahzain looked at me worried but kept silent, understanding in his eyes. 

"Why can't they understand that I can't move forward after hurting her, that I can't be happy? How can I think of anything else or focus on anything when she's not here? I'm being torn apart by a promise. The more I try to hold myself together, the more I fall apart." I felt my eyes filling up.

" 'You're thinking with your heart right now. Your whole life is ahead of you; you need to build your future. Focus on your career for now. With time, you'll forget everything, Rehman.' Didn't they say that? Go tell them that almost five years have passed and I still haven't forgotten. One might be able to hold their breath for a while, but they can't entirely forget to breathe!" A lone tear escaped my left eye.

We drove back in silence, the weight of our conversation hanging between us. 

I took my sleeping pills as I lay in bed, my thoughts taking me back to her. 

I wonder how she is. She started college before me so must've graduated by now. Did she become an artist? She always wanted to hold an exhibition for her art work. She must've held a few after graduation. 

"Do you ever think about me, chashmish?" I said aloud looking at the ceiling. "Do you still miss your maan?" And just like every other night the sleep took over me, leaving the ghost of my words hanging in the air. 

The next few days passed by in a blur of graduation ceremonies and farewell parties. Shahzain and I threw ourselves into the celebrations.

January 2026.

The days turned into weeks and weeks into months. Shahzain and I had started our own Gaming company. I've indulged myself in work as much as possible to keep myself distracted, to keep her away from my thoughts. Yet, every now and then, something reminds me of her—a random song, or a scent, malls, ice-cream. Coffee and cake reminds me of her the most. Even yummy—my cat— reminds me of her. 

As I sit in my office, going through some documents, a notification pops up on my phone. It's a photo from an old friend, a picture from one of our school events. Abeer is in it, laughing, her eyes sparkling with joy.

I stare at the photo for a long moment, my heart aching. I realize that no matter how much I try to bury my feelings, they always resurface.

Flashback

"Send me snaps of every moment."

"Hmm."

"Pinky promise you won't forget!"

I chuckled, shaking my head. I took her pinky with my own making a promise, not knowing I wouldn't be able to keep it.

"Alright, go now. I'm getting calls from home, and I also need to go to Ahmed's wedding—", she kept looking at me, holding her tears back. She always makes this face when she's about to cry and she doesn't like to speak in this state. She stutters a lot, which makes her cry even more out of embarrassment, therefore she goes silent. 

Her doe-eyes staring at me, pleading and holding back so much more than just tears. My own eyes welled up. There was so much to say and yet we both stayed silent. Our eyes had said what our tongues couldn't. 

A moment passed and she looked away, composing herself she left the car silently. She looked back twice before she entered her house and I rushed my car out of her street, my face now wet with tears.

End of flashback