16. SELF-PUNISHMENT

People get what they want, by nature or by force. But that want, that want would always affect someone. Everything that happens affects one thing or two. And it's either good or bad. No matter how pure or good the want is, there will always be someone that sees it as an evil or unfair want.

Jayce's heart stopped, this feeling that came over her, it was nothing like she ever felt before. It was her wish, and her wish was fulfilled, but that wish turned back on her. And it would slowly eat her up from the inside, the wish and the hope that she wrongly wanted.

"Jayce?" Dave called again, trembling.

"I'll inform Amber," she said emotionlessly, "Send me the address too," she then hung up.

She whimpered, but not a tear fell. She squeezed her chest, suffocating again, but maybe the source of the trigger was soon to be gone. But the trigger, it wasn't gone.

She wasn't crying, she wasn't yelling, she wasn't angry. She felt nothing mostly.

Jayce breathed in and out, once or twice, making sure she was calm, and now her pills were finished, but she no longer needed them. It was just death, wasn't it?

"Amber," she called out, waking her up, "We have to go,"

"Where?" she yawned, not in the mood.

"Somewhere," Jayce replied, "But, it's going to be shocking,"

"Shocking?" Amber sat up, "What are you talking about?"

"Mother," Jayce started, bitterness in her tongue, "Mother committed suicide," she hastily said.

Amber gulped, froze, and she stared at Jayce, "It's April's Fools right?" she asked.

"It's September 29,"

Her eyes watered, and her fists clenched, "It's all your fault," she stood up and went to the bathroom.

Jayce stared blankly to nowhere, and she was in silent grief. Silence means many things, but in her case, it was either she cared or didn't.

~~~

Amber stayed silent, and couldn't stop crying. The two went down the halls silently, and it was 15 minutes before everyone would start leaving their dorm.

The two were going to their mother's death, and the next day meant the funeral. And Jayce wasn't ready for any of it, but even so, she acted like she did.

Ashton, on the other hand, couldn't sleep. For no reason, and that is, because he might've been thinking on how Jayce could sleep or not. Which was probably out of his reach.

He was near the pool, drinking around 3 glasses of iced drinks early from dawn. And from the corner of his eye, he had seen the two sisters, looking rather awful, with hair not brushed and clothes not done neatly, which was rather unusual of them.

He went to the lounge, seeing the two sisters hop in a taxi, and Amber was crying. Definitely. And Jayce looked pale.

"Something's always up between them both," he groaned, and went back to the pool, and then he realized he was supposed to be preparing for school.

But as he was in the elevator, he realized. Nadia Brooks, the small black smoke. It had happened.

"Something really happened," he said desperately.

~~~

"Mom!" Amber sobbed as soon as she reached the place. Nadia's motel she stayed at.

Jayce stepped out of the taxi and Dave went to her.

"What happened?" she asked, with a poker face.

Dave took out something from his jacket. Two envelopes, "She left this for you and Amber,"

Jayce took the two envelopes.

"The maid found her hanging on the ceiling through the window at 4am," he explained.

She wanted to cry, very much she wanted to. But no tears really did come out. She acted like she didn't care, as it ate her up from the inside.

"I met her and took her here yesterday, she was going to go back to her mother's house in the early morning," Dave shivered, his face reddened, water filled his eyes, "I didn't know this was her final choice,"

"She's thankful she got to meet me and Amber," she said, "She died in peace,"

"She died in guilt," Dave said, "Did you forgive her before she died?"

"She was always my mother," Jayce said, "And I wasn't ready to bring her back into my life,"

Dave looked at his daughter, not crying at all as Amber sobbed beside her mother, who was now nothing but a soul.

"I can't be here," she said, "Just tell me when the funeral is,"

"What?"

"I have school," she strangely said, palely and emotionlessly, and went to get another cab.

And there it was. Being alone was the only thing that she could use to let it out.

~~~

Jayce was already in her school uniform, and her hair, which was not brushed, and her face which was not washed, and her uniform which was not fixed neatly, all pointed to her as a mess.

She went to the bathroom, stiff and silent, and fixed herself before she went to class.

And a hundred thoughts rushed through her head, telling her it was her fault, that she had killed her own mother in an indirect, sharp way, and that she would never recover from the guilt.

A thousand voices told her to die. And the voices were her own thoughts and nothing else.

As she walked out of the bathroom, Ashton bumped into her. He clenched his jaw, knowing what had happened.

"Now that I think of it," Jayce thinly smiled, "We always bump into each other,"

She was smiling. Ashton was confused on why she was literally smiling.

"Are you good?" he asked, furrowing.

"What makes you think I'm not good? Oh, 'cause I don't understand derivatives?" she asked, chuckling, and laughing. Like nothing happened.

He was definitely hallucinating, "No, I mean, are you okay?"

"Why?"

"You never smile when you talk to me unless you want something," he said seriously.

"Should I answer you truthfully?" she asked.

"Please do,"

"Well, the truth is, my mother died," she said, her smile slowly fading, "And I still don't understand derivatives so that both makes me sad,"

Ashton frowned and froze. He should've told her. He should've forgotten how she would think and instead he should've told her.

Her face immediately frowned, and water filled ehr eyes, her cheeks reddened, "My mother committed suicide," she laughed and sobbed, "And now she's dead because I killed her. You don't want to be near a killer don't you?" she buried her face in her hand which went to scratching her head.

"Jayce-" Ashton desperately said, a call for nothing.

"I put the burden too much on her," she said, looking down, "That her guilt was heavy enough that she couldn't take it. If only I looked at her for once, if only I held her hand, if only I did all that, and said I forgave her in my darkest ways, this wouldn't have happened," her voice broke into a cry.

Ashton didn't know what to do. It was technically his fault as well for not telling. But she took all the blame.

"I got my wish, someone granted my wish out there and-" she trembled, "My mother is dead, and I've been wanting to see her die, and now she's dead, I-" she cried again, "I made her kill herself,"

"You should never blame yourself," he said, standing there, he was just ultimately confused on what to do, "It's never easy to forgive someone who's done things you never deserved,"

Jayce stood there, still looking at the floor. Maybe, she thought, it wasn't her fault. But how would she justify that when she's dead?

After a silent moment, Ashton stepped forward and pulled her into a warm embrace. One warm hug, that's all it meant.

"She's dead, Ashton," she sobbed, her nose felt electrocuted and her heart was being punched, "And I can't even read the letter she left behind," she cried into his sweater again.

Ashton hugged her tightly, patting her shoulder, and she stood there, just crying, and taking it all out.

And sobbed, and sobbed. Just letting it all out, and it felt so good on Jayce's behalf, even though it was suffocating. And Ashton just stood there, as his sweater was soaked with his tears.

He didn't really want to leave her either.

And after a few moments of her letting it out, she backed away, and it was more awkward than ever.

"Uh-" she started, then saw his wet sweater, "I'll clean that for you," she pointed at his sweater.

He looked down at his sweater, soaked with tears, "Sure,"

He took his sweater by the bottom and lifted it up, only leaving his uniform on him. Jayce turned around, feeling rather strange about it.

"Here," Ashton said, giving the sweater, as if he really wanted her to clean it. They were her tears anyways.

Jayce turned around and took the sweater, "Thanks," she flustered and put the sweater in her bag.

"Handle with care by the way,"

"I know how to wash sweaters, okay?"

Her eyes were still swollen, and her voice was still sore. Her face was still messy.

"And I suggest to go to the bathroom again," he said, "You look like you just swam,"

Of course, he was trying to get her mood up, until a phone call came in for Jayce's phone.

She knitted her brows and took her phone. Izzie. She flustered.

"Who?" Ashton asked.

"Someone," she replied, turning around and picking it up, "Hey..." she stopped walking and gulped, not knowing what to say, her lips were shut. Ashton glared at her from behind, "...Mom," she said in a quick way.

She continued walking as she was on the call.

"Mom?" Ashton furrowed, "Izzie Brooks?"

It was her privacy, and he didn't want to hear anything. But he did get free laundry service.

~~~

"Jayce, I heard," Izzie said.

"Oh," she replied, "Yeah,"

"Do you want me to come home? I can come home if you like,"

"No, it's fine," she replied, "I'm completely fine,"

"I'm going tomorrow,"

"No, mom," Jayce said, "I'm fine, it's all good,"

"Dave isn't going to be fine, and neither is Amber, nor you. You love your mother very much, I know that, Jayce," Izzie stated in return, "I can come home tomorrow,"

"No," Jayce rejected, "You have a lot of collections and work to do, and everything's fine,"

"Are you sure-?" Izzie said.

"Mom," she started, "I'm fine. We're fine. It's life,"

"Jayce, if you need anything, I'm always here," she replied, "You can always text, and call me whenever you like, I'll always be here,"

"Thanks, mom," Jayce said.

"Very welcome, dear," Izzie responded, "Tell Amber and Dave that I send warm hugs, and I'll be back by Christmas, okay?"

"Mhm, okay,"

"I have a meeting, I'll hang up, okay?"

"'kay, bye bye,"

"Bye,"

~~~

Apparently, for the entire day, it was dull.

The word of Nadia Brooks wasn't out, but Ashton had definitely talked about it to Eric and Jaxon, which made Jayce rather annoyed.

The three had agreed to go to the funeral, but she was rather displeased by that.

Amber was with Dave the entire day, going here and there, and Jayce felt she really didn't deserve to be anywhere near her mother. The guilt was everything.

Jayce bumped into Niel on the way back to her dorm.

"Jayce-" Niel said, shocked, "I'm sorry about your mother,"

She flinched, and stepped backwards, "How did you know? Ashton told you?"

Niel pursed his lips, "Yeah,"

"You both aren't even close,"

"I'm sending my condolences to you, I heard it from Ashton. It doesn't matter who heard from who, but I'm really sorry for your mother," he frowned.

"Thanks," Jayce replied, still finding it rather weird that he knew from Ashton, "I have to rest,"

"Yeah, definitely, want me to take you there?" he offered, "I'm also going back to my dorm,"

"No, it's fine," she replied, "Just immediately go to your room,"

"Okay," he nodded.

Jayce arrived at her dorm and laid on her bed, stared at the ceiling long enough before her doorbell rang. She flinched, "I'm fine, Niel," she said, thinking it was him.

"Jayce, it's Jaz," a girl spoke.

She flustered, and went to the door, where Jaz was.

Jasmine immediately hugged her, "I heard,"

Jayce froze, "I'm fine," she let go of her.

Jasmine lifted a small paper bag by her side, giving it to Jayce.

"What's this?" she asked.

"You loved chocolate milk," she said.

"Oh," she took the paper bag, "Thanks," she thinly smiled before turning around.

Then Jayce furrowed, uneasily, and shut her eyes closed, thinking of a decision. She eventually turned around again, looking at Jaz.

"You want to come in?" Jayce asked.

Jaz raised a brow, "Sure,"

Jayce opened the door wide enough and Jasmine went inside.

She went to take two mugs, and poured the chocolate milk into the mugs. Jasmine sat on her bed and took a quick look around the dorm, "Nice dorm," she said.

"Thank Kimberly Walker I guess," Jayce said, giving the mug to her.

"Thanks,"

"Welcome,"

"I'm not the best at comforting people but-" Jasmine started, but Jayce cut her words.

"Trust me when I say I've had the breakdown," Jayce said, "I don't need another,"

"I know you'll be alright," Jasmine said, looking at Jayce with a soothing smile, "You're strong enough to,"

Jayce thinly smiled and sat on the edge of her bed, drinking her chocolate milk. It seemed that they both had started to move on. But deep down, they had not.

It was silent in the room, with just the sound of the chocolate milk going down their throats.

Jayce and Jasmine were now sitting next to each other, shoulders touched, just drinking the choco milk.

"I know this isn't the best time to say this but..." Jasmine started, "You still remain special to me,"

Jayce's ears ringed, "Special in what way?"

"I still love you,"

"You cheated anyway," she replied.

"You know how I'm easily carried away," Jaz said, "But-"

"Even if you were easily carried away, you wouldn't have still cheated, knowing you still had a girlfriend to keep,"

"Jayce-"

"I still loved you a few days after that happened, right now I don't," Jayce stated, which was a lie. She still loved her, but it was fading away.

"I never got to say how thankful I am for how happy you made me," Jaz started.

"We're not getting back together, Jaz," Jayce stated.

Jaz turned her head around to see Jayce, "I know, you deserve better," she smiled purely.

Jayce turned towards Jaz as well, and for a while, their eyes locked, and all Jayce could really think about was staring at her face. She moved a little closer, and brought herself forward, nearly kissing Jaz, but they both shut their eyes before the moment happened.

Jayce gave out a breath and moved away. Jaz opened her eyes and frowned, feeling awkward, "I have something to do," she said, "I'll get going,"

"Right," Jayce cleared her throat and swallowed.

Jasmine stood up and put the empty glass of choco milk on the table, "Thanks...for the choco milk,"

Jayce gulped, "Yeah, welcome,"

Jaz avoided eye contact and took her bag, and bolted from the dorm. Jayce's heart was still beating, and it was all a jumble of feelings inside.

And Amber, she didn't come home that night.

~~~

The next day, at the funeral, and the word had seemed to quite go around the school, five students did not attend classes.

Jayce met Amber in the funeral, along with their father, and still felt uneasy. But all she really thought about was one breakdown was enough, she didn't want another. And she still needed to wash that sweater of Ashton's, which she saw was standing on the edge of the graveyard.

Jasmine was beside Jaxon, and the both seemed to not have calmed down yet. But she, on the other hand, still felt disturbed by the almost-kiss the day before.

Ashton, and his two friends, stood at the other edge of the funeral. Nadia was buried in the graveyard which Ashton always avoided, and the reason why was actually he hated seeing ghosts he didn't call.

The graveyard was a literal home to the ghosts, and he could still see them.

He saw an old woman when he entered the funeral, and a young boy as well. And a middle-aged man, to a pretty woman in her 20s. All dead.

As the blessings came by, Ashton peeked open his eyes to see a woman standing beside the place where Nadia was buried. And it was Nadia herself.

He raised a brow, and she was staring at her two daughters, giving them forehead kisses with a sad smile.

Ashton gave a thin smile, then curled his lip as he made eye contact with the ghost. He flinched and immediately broke eye contact. He was staring at a ghost and the ghost caught him.

And after a silent moment, he looked back up and Nadia was smiling cheekily at him. He flinched.

Then she did a peace sign to her eyes and back to him, a meaning of 'I'm watching you' in a joking manner.

He flustered but then he awkwardly smiled in return.

After the blessings, everyone paid their respects in return and Niel arrived at the funeral. And Jayce was surprised he was. Now, six students didn't attend class that day.

"Well you're here," Jayce said.

Niel gave a soft smile, "Are you good?"

Ashton saw from afar, and it was definitely suspicious of him on why Niel knew the funeral was that day. He certainly never told him, and Jayce wouldn't as well, not that he knew of.

"I should pay respects to your mother,"

From the corner of Ashton's eye, Nadia was staring at her daughter with Niel, as they walked to her grave, and she smiled sweetly.

He curled his lip in return, as a sign of disgust.

Being a ghost doesn't give you the door to knowing all, being a ghost is just being you but you're dead. You don't know everything, you see what you see, you hear what you hear. It's just like being human but only some people to none can see you.

Ashton sat at the bench as he watched Nadia go around her grave, looking at her beloved people. And an old woman, who was crying heavily, and who, from what Ashton thought, could be her mother and the twins' grandmother.

Jayce sat under the tree, and it was getting less crowded. Dave was talking to Nadia's family, and it was only the six students and Jasmine left.

"You do know all of you can go home, right?" Jayce said.

"I have a better question," Ashton stepped in, "How does Niel know about your mother's death?"

Jayce raised a brow, "You told him,"

"Never did," he shrugged.

She furrowed, then looked at Niel who was standing behind her, and raised a brow as the question.

"I heard him when he told the boys," Niel replied.

"I told them in my dorm, you stalked me to my dorm?" Ashton asked.

Niel gulped.

"Let's not talk about this here," a voice broke in. Amber, "Hi, Eric!"

Eric flinched and furrowed.

"I have to go, my mom wants me somewhere," Niel said.

"Your mom's dead," Ashton responded, "She died of a heart attack years ago, remember?"

"My mom-figure, I mean," Niel scowled.

"Okay, then, whatever you say," he grinned, knowing damn well something was suspicious of this guy.

Jayce glared at Niel as he left and she knitted her brows in return.

"Eric," Amber started, "I'm thankful you're here,"

Eric avoided eye contact and took his phone, "Oh look, my mom's calling, haha, what a coincidence," he pulled Jaxon by his collar, "She's asking for us all, haha, let's go for dinner,"

"I'm staying," Ashton said, "Say hello to your mother for me, and take the car key," he lent the car key to Eric who took it and ran off with Jaxon and Jasmine.

And in a slight moment, Jaz and Jayce took all they can to have an uncomfy look on each other.

And in that slight moment, for no reason, Ashton saw. Something's up, he thought, between them.

Amber frowned.

"I haven't got to read my mother's letter, mind to accompany me?" Jayce asked. Forgiveness? She loved her sister too much to think about that.

"But-"

"Let's go," Jayce took her sister's hand and they both went to sit on a bench, while Ashton, he was just watching over Nadia, because he damn well knew Jayce and Nadia loved each other too much and they were too scared to say it.

Jayce wasn't ready to open the letter, but she did anyway.

And Ashton, on the other hand, saw Nadia coming closer to her two daughters as Jayce was about to read the letter. He stood up and went to them, hiding behind the tree beside the bench.

Jayce opened the envelope carefully and Nadia curled her lip in return. She started reading it out.

Dear Jayce...

I, in fact, don't know how to start this letter but...all I wanted to say is that I don't hope you'll forgive me, and I won't beg for forgiveness. I know how hard it was for those years because of me, and now I will pay the price. I do not wish my daughter to suffer in silence for years and years because of me, but my plan isn't only about you. I may be selfish, but I've done everything in life. I've met you and Amber again, and I've met Dave. I met the love of my life and I met my two daughters. My life is complete, and once something is complete, it should stop. And no matter what, I promise that I will look after you, in mind and soul.

XOXO,

Mom

Nadia pursed her lips sadly as she stroked her daughter's hair, and there was this feeling of bitterness in Ashton that he felt. His mother didn't care about any of this. It wasn't jealousy, or maybe it was, but he wanted to feel warmth from someone who should've shown warmth to him.

"Where's your letter?" Jayce asked, preventing her from another breakdown.

"Threw it in the trash, just a bunch of loves and whatnot," Amber replied casually.

Nadia stopped stroking Jayce's hair.

"What?" Jayce winced.

"Your guilt is definitely eating you up, right?" Amber immediately broke in.

"Excuse me?"

"For an academically top student, you seem very stupid to understand,"

Jayce furrowed, then realized, and she flinched at her realization, "You used mother to trigger me? You used her because you want me to be destroyed from my mental state?"

"I only used what comes in handy, I acted everything greatly and perfectly, and now that you have guilt, you'll probably go psycho and be sent to the mental ward, and that is exactly what I wish for you. And my life will be perfect," Amber said proudly, slouching against the bench and crossing her arms.

Jayce stood up, staggered, "You never once cared about mother?"

"No,"