Rhys : He's not me

The rain has just cleared, leaving Willowbrook bathed in a gentle, golden afternoon light that casts soft, dancing shadows from the trees. Birds sing melodiously from above, adding to the serene atmosphere.

Approaching a vending machine, I pull out some coins and slide them into the slot. With a muffled thud, a soda can drops into the tray. I pop it open and savor the cool, fizzy drink as it refreshes me.

Around me, students are hurriedly preparing for the upcoming games, their banners and flags fluttering in the breeze. Despite the festive mood, which used to unsettle me, now I simply yearn to be far away from campus.

Some students lounge on benches, engaged in lively conversations and betting on the next match, while others sprawl on the grass with headphones on, engrossed in creating vibrant posters.

A group of girls giggles and poses for selfies in matching "ambitious" -colored robes, their laughter echoing joyfully. Nearby, a couple tenderly plants dark purple roses, absorbed in their quiet task.

I unlock the door to the Creed locker room with a sense of unease. This place, once my sanctuary for introspection, now haunts me like a recurring nightmare.

I wait until the lunch bell rings and the stadium gradually empties. Settling into the back rows of the stands, I watch the stadium grow quiet, finishing my soda with my gaze fixed on the vacant arena.

My phone buzzes, breaking my thoughts. I have been anxiously awaiting a message, but it seems silence is my only response. I smile to myself until a voice interrupts my thoughts.

"Waiting for a call?"

Glancing up, I find Keegan beside me in his workout gear, casually dropping his bag on the bench across from me.

I instantly regret not arriving later. His presence stirs emotions making me forget the reason why I dislike this sport.

Unsure how to respond, I look away as he pulls out an electronic

cigarette, blowing smoke near my ear.

"Don't mind me, I'm just cleaning up and getting out," I mutter, avoiding his gaze.

"A boxer turned janitor-a bright future ahead,"

"Well, that should make you happy then, since you hate me".

"Just because I don't like you doesn't mean you don't belong here,"

This is our first real conversation since high school began two years ago. I often wondered what we'd say if we ever spoke again, but this isn't the talk I'd envisioned-it feels painfully real and uncomfortably true.

"My place is anywhere but here,"

Keegan taps away on his phone, the cigarette dangling idly from his lips.

"it is, actually, since the floor needs you," he remarks, standing up and mimicking sweeping motions with his arms before grabbing his bag and walking toward the locker rooms.

I watch him leave, so absorbed that I don't notice the club members starting their practice in the stadium's center.

Luckily, I have patiently waited in the stands.

Coach Walker, my former mentor, provides guidance on warm-ups and upcoming challenges. My mind counts their laps and jumps when a message abruptly pulls me back to reality.

Unknown:

[(Why did you send me that?)]

[(Did I scare you?)]

Unknown:

[(No, let's just say it's not the kind of audio I expected to hear)]

[(Are you disappointed?)]

Unknown:

[(No)]

[(I really can't expect a clear response from you)]

Unknown:

[(What am I supposed to tell you? That I'm replaying your voice in my head?)]

[(That would be a good start)]

Unknown:

[(Sorry for

the disappointment)]

[(What makes

you stay then?)]

Unknown:

[(How do you forget about someone?)]

*****

Live: JAY IS BACK

Sitting in front of my camera, smiling, I reassure Jay's fans after my few days' absence. The chat scrolls rapidly, filled with warm messages and enthusiasm.

They're not here for me but for him. Still, it feels good, I can't deny that.

" Yo chat, great to see you all again after all this time, hate me I deserve it!"

The messages flood in even faster.

**Hate you? Impossible!!**

**jayprotectionsquad**

**WHERE WERE YOU I MISSED YOU**

**what are we eating tonight??**

**JAY! LONG TIME NO SEE! WHEN YOU SMILE! I'M HAPPY TOO!!**

No one makes me laugh as much as these people do, but Jay loves it, so it's up to him to respond.

"Thank you! You're the best. I needed a few days for myself, just to rest a bit. And you know what? I've got spicy pasta today! They look delicious, right?"

I lift a forkful of red, spicy pasta, showing it to the camera. The chat explodes with comments.

**Oh, spicy pasta!**

**Be careful, Jay, it looks super hot!**

**SPICY KING**

**you're my Spice JAY !!**

" Haha, yes, I know! But you know me, I love culinary challenges. So, I'm going to taste..."

I already regret choosing this dish, but I know it'll burn my intestines so much that I won't think about anything else.

"Wow, it's really spicy!"

The fans react immediately.

**u got this, Jay! We're here for you!**

**ok Google how to be pasta?**

**I WANT YOU LIKE YOU WANT THESE PASTA**

**you'll be camping out in the bathroom tonight**

A few days without this, and I had forgotten how fun they could be. I've never really opened up on the internet because it's not me, it's Jay. And Jay, he's perfect. He's the ultimate friend, boyfriend, or brother everyone wants.

Not me.

"Thank you for your support. You're really awesome. By the way, speaking of support... I have a friend who often wonders what he really wants to do in life. To be honest, I don't know what to tell him."

The chat calms down for a moment, fans taking time to digest his words.

**Tell him that sometimes, it takes time to find your path**

**The important thing is not to rush**

**you're too kind Jay T___T**

**can I be your friend too?**

Jay smiles, grateful.

"Those are good pieces of advice, thank you. I'll tell him, and also, you're all my friends, of course!"

**Jay forever**

**I skipped class to watch this live**

**Seeing you smile, Jay, it's everything**

**WE LOVE YOU !!**

Jay is truly amazing; he gets everything he wants by smiling and saying pleasing things.

" Appreciate it, y'all. Can't tell you how much it means. Alright, another bite for the fans!"

My brain screams at me to stop, yet my hands move on their own.

"Ouch, it really burns! But for you all, it's worth it."

And so, Jay continues his live, surrounded by his devoted fans, savoring every spicy bite and every moment of connection with them.

Jay may not yet know where life will take him, but for now, he's exactly where he needs to be.

In front of the camera.

And me, behind the scenes, pulling the strings and hoping to be as unnoticed as possible while avoiding eye contact.

Because if they knew who I was, I'd be the monster again, undeserving of life.

Because that's what I am.

At the end of the live stream, I slump onto the couch, a bottle of cold water in hand. My stomach twists in all directions, and I know I'll have another sleepless night.

As I pull out my phone, I finally decide to respond.

[(I can't help you with that, sorry)]

Unknown:

[(Is there someone you want to forget? )]

[(I tried to forget someone but gave up, so now I live with it)]

Unknown:

[(Was that friend you?)]

[(What?)]

Unknown:

[(That friend without goals , was it you?)]

I reflect on my earlier conversation with Keegan and the gap that persists between us. We've never been close, and every effort to bridge the divide has faltered.

There's this invisible barrier between us that I've never been able to break through, and probably never will.

Gradually, my emotions settle, the waves of frustration and sadness subsiding. Suddenly, I regret eating so much. My stomach feels heavy, like a physical reminder of my worries. Attempting to quiet my inner conflicts with food has only made things worse.

[(No, because now I have one, let's forget about that person together)]