Chapter 9: Facing my Fear

"There is one thing that a person cannot face. He cannot face running away from fear. Fear is primal. Fear is basic. When fear sets in nobody could ever stand. However, courage is not the absence of fear, it is moving ahead despite fear."

Chapter 9: Facing my Fear

If there is one thing I like about Online Gaming World, it is the idea that one can face his or her own fear without real risk. However, it is only in the beginning. When one really begins to immerse into the Online World, fear still creeps in. 

For one, even though the players know that they can die in the game and not be really dead, they still fear the death of their characters. In Ragnarok Online, when your character dies, many items were lost from equipped items to personal inventory. Thus, the loss is still felt due to the sentiment of the effort in acquiring those items only to lose them in a moment of character death. And there is also the loss of vitality that will affect the player's ability to play at the moment, and the respawn point at The cities where the players who died were respawned are often way far beyond the player's quest area. 

Thus, when players are still in the beginning of the gaming experience, they are still bold and daring but when they reach a certain level, they turn to become more cautious players. However, even those methodical players who play with complex mathematics on their belt also experience some fear. Because the game algorithm is really unpredictable. Sometimes there is no warning that a strong monster would emerge oftentimes when everyone is already weary after a long fight. 

Thus it is important that players have a back up plan or another player to support him or her in case of emergency. It is also advantageous to the player if their character class is complementary. If there are more players in a party, it is much better. Range class players need melee class players to act as their tank, while they fight from a distance. On top of it all, most players would like to have a healer backing them up.

That's why our tandem is so powerful. A high level Crusader and a high level warrior priest. However, we face another fear this time. This is not about dying in the game and losing items but about our virtual life having direct effect and significant connection with our real life. We cannot separate the two aspects of our lives as our online world has already become an important aspect of our daily life. It is in our Online life that we found freedom that we never experienced in our real life. We delve into dangerous adventures without the necessary risks involved. However, with the complexity that our current situation created between us, we find our world complicatedly intertwined. Many people say "It is just a game!", but for us, the avid fans of ragnarok online, this is our world. This is the world where we live out our dreams and fantasies. This is the world where we can be strong even if we are physically weak. Here, in this Online World of Adventure, we are heroes.

That's what the online world offers its players. That's why many people spend real money to live out their frustrations and achieve their dreams in the Virtual world. That is partially why players can also earn some money. They can ask for real money to exchange for game items and services. Some people even buy whole accounts that other players had already built to have an unfair advantage to others.

Through all these, the true nature of humanity has been uncovered by the virtual world. Those who are oppressed in the real world may create a character that is mean and oppressive in the virtual world. Introverts may act like extroverts. Many players project a total opposite of what they are in real life, although I believe that the bullies in the virtual world are often bullies in the real world and those who are nice in the virtual world are mostly nice in real life. 

However, for me and Amy , we had been blessed with the company of each other. She is a real life extrovert but she doesn't mind that I am an introvert. Well, that's what we only know about each other except for our first names. We don't really ask. We are just so happy to be with each other that we tend to create a new set of memories in every adventure we boldly face. We talk about the game, we strategize, we study game stats and what they mean for each of us, but we never talk about our personal lives.

All she ever mentioned is that her mom already knows about me, and that she approves of our duo. I also told her that I'm not that close to my parents. However, as we mostly focus on getting better in the game, we unconsciously set aside our personal lives. We both want to really earn some income out of playing the game, so we actually consider ourselves as professional players and we are co-workers.

However, we can never deny that our closeness to each other created a growing mutual amorous tendency towards each other. Even if we do not yet declare it to each other I could feel that she is already so fond of me. I can already say to myself that I'm falling in love with her but i just can't say it to her right in her face. I am afraid that she might laugh at me or be disappointed with me . I cannot bear even just imagining that she might ask me to cool off.

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In the growing months of being with Ben, I am so overwhelmed with all the care and happiness we shared with each other so exclusively that I am now sure that he cares for me. There's no doubt about it now. But why does he seem to be reluctant to speak sometimes? I often catch him catching himself and then cutting his own sentences? Is he afraid of something? Is he hiding something from me?

I can sense that he still deeply cares for me. He always makes it a point to reassure me. He often says that he is overwhelmingly happy about us and that he will be with me always. I am still his exclusive friend as he is mine. Yes, I am also hesitant to think about what I really feel for him. It is so complicated and unnerving that I tend to push it at the back of my mind every time it passes my mind. I am so afraid that he might know that I'm falling in love with him. I am afraid he might say no to it.

I have never ever cared for a boy like this. As many as my minions in the school, nobody had the chance to breach the tough shell I have. But Ben is now here within my innermost feelings. He is often present in my sweet dreams, in my moments of daydreaming. He occupies my mind that no other boy ever did. When I am so happy, I want to be with him.

And my mom surprisingly approved of him! How crazy is that! She said that she saw no negative effect the game and Ben has on me but there are positive ones! That 'll be the first time that she said something about a boy to me, that is, not counting Danny.

Even Danny says that he sees that I am happier every day. Ah, almost everyone says that about me. As Ben is also a responsible student, we encourage and help each other with our studies and keep each other responsible. We started thinking about it this way when we realized that for our parents to be positive with our gaming hobby, we need to be responsible children to them. So, we remind each other to study hard and play harder!

Overall, I really like Ben. I have never met anyone who had a deeper impact in my life than him. I have never felt happier than ever. I have never felt so cared for in my life, not counting my mom. I have never felt so free. I have never felt so accepted for who I wanted to be. 

I hope someday, when we are both ready, we can open up all these things to each other, that we may be able to talk about "us" and not our characters. Someday, we might just be able to talk about our feelings and not just our game stats. I do hope that, by the mercy of God above, we might be able to honestly talk to each other about our personal lives that have been so affected by who we are to each other.

I do pray that someday, I might be able to muster the courage to finally say to myself that I am ready to love him, no matter what happens. I do hope that, through my mom's guidance, love and protection, I may be able to face my fear about the possibility of losing Ben.

I really want to be free of this fear that is currently trying to overwhelm me. This is not really the type that I can actually handle for now. I will cherish every moment, I will save every time I spend with Ben deep in my heart. 

Someday, without fear …

I may be able to tell him….

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Someday, without fear …

I may be able to tell her….