CRASHED EMOTION

LISA:

I took the broken pieces of myself out of the classroom, walked into the dormitory with near-blinded eyes caused by the endless flow of tears, and climbed my bed on shattered bones.

I lay helpless, lost in thoughts and directions. The fact I am aware of my fate tomorrow didn't take out the pain and regrets.

I fear the bashes and condemnation that everyone will rain on me. Reverend Rebecca wouldn't find me the most passionate and caring anymore. I would be thrown into sawdust. Students, who may be as gayest as me would hide behind others to throw shades at me.

I regret listening to my heart. Now I see why it is advised to utilize the head rather than the heart. I could have thought deeper about the outcome and the readiness to face Uriel's condemnation.

I could have faced other's condemnation. If only Uriel felt the same way, nothing else would have mattered not even the shots from my parents.

The pain of seeing my parents' faces after this is unbearable. Once again, I have disappointed them and brought them the shame they prayed to escape.

I brought everything upon myself and that make me devastated. Had I kept these feelings to myself, I would proudly graduate in three months with my classmates, with Gabby.

It is all in the river now. By tomorrow, I will leave the school to meet my disappointed parents; and pause my academics until whenever.

Holy Mary, what should I do?

"Are you alright? Did something happen in the classroom?"

Gabby's concern washed me over. I heard her walk in and sat on my bed seconds ago. I couldn't pull out the sheets over my face to acknowledge her. I didn't want her to see my darkened eyes and bloated nose.

"Lisa," she shook my arm. "Can you please talk to me?"

Her tone triggered me worse and fresh tears rolled down my cheeks. I battled between saying nothing and telling Gabby as desperate as I needed someone.

I needed to hear some encouragement; a word that everything would turn out well. As much as I know it won't be alright, I hope to hear someone say it won't be so ugly.

"Hey," Gabby called again.

I am conversant with Gabby's persistence. I'd found that attribute suffocating, but here, I was grateful she hadn't left me alone even when I ignored her.

"Is there something I can do to help?"

Gabby's tenderness emerged again, and without thinking, I discarded the sheets, exposing my facial condition to her shock.

"Lisa…"

Her tone did it again, and my heart broke afresh.

"This is bad…"

Before she could say another sympathetic phrase, I went into her embrace, making her gasp.

She didn't expect my action yet she didn't pull me away. She welcomed my tight grip around her slender body and my whooping head on her shoulder. She let me cry as silently as I wanted and smoothened my hair in consolation.

"What happened?" She asked minutes after my weeping became fair. "Are you hurt?" She drew me out, examining every part of my body. "Are you bruised somewhere?"

"Gabby," I lowered my head weakly. "I am finished."

"Finished? Why?"

"I…" I shut my eyes.

It is difficult to open up to Gabby. The words aren't flowing easily.

"Lisa, what is wrong?"

But it is the best I tell her now. Whether I seal up or not, she will hear it like everyone in the morning.

"I…I like girls."

I started and ended. I waited to see Gabby's disgusting reaction but was disappointed.

"And?"

She asked casually like we were having a regular conversation. I didn't know what exactly pushed me to tears and I resumed my crying.

"Lisa?"

"Why are you looking calm?"

"Is that it? You like girls and crying about it?"

"You should be…" I shrugged, "disgusted."

"Why should I be? I have always known about it."

"What?"

How did Gabby find out? I haven't acted carelessly to raise suspicions about me.

"I know you are gay, Lisa."

And she had known and have been the same with me? It can't be true.

"I also know you like Uriel."

She smiled saying that, hoping it would make me happy but only to see me back in tears.

"Did something happen with Uriel?"

"I…I told her."

"Lisa, it is okay if you did," Gabby assumed wrongly. "You should be proud of your courage and not cry over it. And I think Uriel likes you too."

"No…"I shook my head in agony.

"No? She doesn't?"

"She said I am a sinner with a befitting place in hell. She…she called me an abomination."

"Uriel didn't say that. She likes you, Lisa. I can never be wrong."

"Gabby," I shakily held her hands. "I don't want to be expelled; I can't go home like this."

"You won't." Gabby searched around her to ensure no one was listening.

Our classmates were all occupied in their circle of night chatter and gist, no one seemed to care about us. Except for Emily, the Regulatory prefect, who is in bed according to the timetable.

It is a few minutes before midnight. As a regulatory prefect, Emily must ensure every activity begins and ends at the appropriate time. Leading by example, she has taken to bed. Having little or no right to call us to order, she abandoned us to our decision. After all, we must rise at the same time.

Gabby looked at Emily, evaluated her status, and nodded she was fast asleep. Although Emily's bed is within reach, I doubt she could hear us even if she is awake. Gabby and I have been talking in whispers; everyone in the dormitory has been doing the same. No one enjoys Reverends bagging in on us.

"Lisa," Gabby scooted nearer. "I promise not to tell anyone. You don't have to worry about the Reverends finding out."

Gabby does not need to make a promise. If she had known my feelings for Uriel and said nothing about it, she wouldn't do it now.

"Uriel recorded everything," I told Gabby, who reverted curiously. "She will give it to the Reverends tomorrow." My cries began again.

"She can't do that."

"She means it, Gabby. She will get me expelled."

"No, she can't do that," Gabby insisted. "Uriel likes you," Gabby said with confidence. "She likes you as much as you like her."

How can she be so sure?

"You don't believe me?" Gabby asked when I shook my head in disapproval.

"You didn't see her face when I kissed her, Gabby. She nearly threw up at my confession."

"You kissed her?"

That is not the point.

"I shouldn't have. I regret it."

Gabby held my palm. "It is strange that Uriel would trash out your feelings like that. Believe me Lisa, Uriel likes you. I know for sure, I saw it."

I wonder the reason behind Gabby's confirmation. However, what good is her assurance that Uriel likes me? Uriel rejected me and that is the outcome.

"I should go and talk to her," Gabby inclined.

"No!"

"Why not?"

It will complicate everything. If Uriel were to expose me to the Reverends, Gabby would be called in as an accomplice. A supportive friend of gay is as good as a sinner. She could be expelled.

"Whatever happens tomorrow, you must feign ignorance of me," I warned her.

"I can't do that!" She took to her feet, attracting our classmates to us.

Gabby chuckled nervously, waved at them to continue their late-night gossip, and sat back to face me.

"I can't do that," she whispered. "I won't pretend not to know."

"You have to save your skin, Gabby. If you act out of foolishness, you will be expelled with me."

"Foolish? Is that how I look to you?"

"No Gabby," I shook my head in tears. "I do not see you that below. I don't want you to be humiliated for me; I don't worth it."

Gabby joined in my crying. She cried even harder and after a few tears, her eyes reddened more than mine. Anyone would think she had cried earlier today. I would have believed it if I hadn't known Gabby to be compassionate about me.

"I will miss you," I told her.

It is funny how I never told her she was the closest thing to a friend. Sadly, I may not be able to see her again.

We don't go home for a short break or a long holiday at Louis Nobis. Students begin their lives here and only end it after graduation. No one gets to see or hear from their family except in emergencies.

Students are like forgotten barrels. We have no communication with the outside world. Teachers, cooks, and matrons are all Reverend Sisters. The only male we see is the Reverend Father who holds masses and Sunday services.

The mass servers, to add, are students appointed and trained by Evelyn, the Chapel Prefect. We're reserved, preserved, and conserved at Louis Nobis; we see no one and no one sees us.

"Why would you miss me?" Gabby challenged. "You never made me your friend."

"You never asked to be." I joked amidst tears and she smiled.

Gabby and I won't see each other after Louis Nobis if we do not note our addresses and telephone numbers.

"Why are we saying goodbyes? I still believe Uriel won't do it."

"Don't, please. Do not give me false hopes."

"You will see."