First cigarette and addiction

When I reached Koteswor, I could not figure out. "Ratis." I felt as if someone was calling my name. I looked everywhere but couldn't find any familiar face. It was an illusion. I looked at my wrist watch. It was 6 o' clock of the evening. 

Those days, I used to tie wrist watch as I used to feel the importance of every second. The bus of Banepa was overcrowd with the passengers. I also ran to catch the same bus. With a big struggle I entered the bus. I stood erect inside the bus as none of the seat was vacant. I who always used to feel awkward while standing erect inside the travelling bus was not feeling any sort of difficulty that moment. Instead, I was feeling the strange heat inside my body. Neither there was any smoke nor there was any fire but there was a sensation of heat inside me. A historical heat. A distinguished fire.

I got down from the bus as I reached Suryabinayak. There is a nepali proverb. "Diamond cuts diamond and poison dissolves poison." Hence, I was in search of the medium which could eliminate that fire inside my body. I was thinking what could be that medium, a gentleman passed by my side. He was inhaling and exhaling the smoke by holding the tail of a burning cigarette in between his two dark lips.

"Maybe, this is the one which could help me to get relief from the fire burning inside my body." I thought and entered the Aakarsh Cafe which was few meters ahead. I ordered a cup of tea and a cigarette along with it. I kept the small portion of the tail of cigarette in between my lips for the first time. Then I pulled the lighter which was tied with a rope and placed near the refrigerator. I lighted the fire and burnt the tip of cigarette. Then I with my full effort tried to inhale the smoke. 

As I was trying to do so, I started to cough. I felt palpitation. My head started to ache all of a sudden. As I seemed uncomfortable, every boys present in the cafe started to stare at me. And soon all of them started smiling. Their smile was a huge joke to me. They were trying to tease me as I didn't know how to smoke.

I neglected everyone and continued to take smoke from the cigarette. A boy sitting on the table next to mine said to me, "Hello brother, is it your first time?" I remained silent for a while and looked at his face for a while. Then I said,"Yes brother, it is my first time. I felt like tasting it hence I tried." "And how fast are you smoking? It is not the way. You have to smoke gently at ease." He said. "What to do? It was my first time and I didn't know how to take it. But to be honest, I am feeling relaxed." I said and holding the cigarette in my hand I moved to his table and sat facing towards him.

I then asked him," What do you do for living? And where are you from? By the way, what is your name?" He said,"I am Inav Khatri and I am from Sanga. I am engineering student. I was here as I came to visit Suryabinyak temple. And tell me about you."

I took another puff of cigarette and remained silent for a while. Then I said to him,"My house is nearby the temple. I am Ratis Ghimire and I am currently studying science at grade eleven." I started to look at him and got lost within myself. There was a silence for a while. Inav was smoking his cigarette and throwing out fumes from his mouth.

After a while, he asked me," And how long has it been since you have started smoking?" I said," This is my first cigarette. I have started to smoke just now." He looked at my face and gave a pleasant smile. Then he said," Smoking is not good. It is okay that you tasted it but do not try it next time. You will regret in future as it will be very hard to leave it."

I took another puff and said," I don't want to leave it ever brother. I have no one with me except this from today." "Excuse me brother, sorry to say but I think you have gone through break up, have you?" He said looking at my big red eyes. I crunched the cigarette at ash tray and said,"Yes, brother. I have been through up and down." He laughed a bit slowly and said,"Okay brother, I am in a bit hurry. I am leaving. Hope, we will meet again." "Sure brother. It was nice meeting you." I said. He left with a smile. I stayed there for a while. I finished my tea. I felt relaxed for a while but that relaxation didn't last long. I payed the bill and moved towards my home.

I am a little bit crazy. Usually, people don't eat much when they get stressed but I eat more than usual when I am in stress. 

Hence, I ate my meal. Much more than as usual. Then, I entered my room lied straight on it. I tried to get sleep but I couldn't. My mind start to think. It started to generate random thoughts.

"Why Suravi did so? Few months before, she herself wanted to hold my hands but today she kicked my back. I hadn't betrayed her. Never.  I wanted to just talk with her. I wanted to discuss with her and make a conclusion regarding how should we move afterwards. At least, she should have talked to me. Yes, I must accept that I gave her pain. But, I wanted to say her,' At first, let's build our career. Let's focus on our studies. Let's reach up to our goals. Then, everything will be fine. Mamma too had promised that she would convince Pa. Please keep some trust towards me.' "

But she could no longer keep trust towards me. She had told me that she used to trust me more than herself but she left me of nowhere. She had told a huge lie. Yes, she lied me telling that she used to believe on me more than anyone else.

"Why are you not going to your college these days?" Mamma asked as I stayed at home without going to college for few days. "There will be no lectures in college afterwards. I will prepare for examination from home." For the first time, I cheated my mother. I misused her innocence. I meant I spoke a lie to her for the first time.

The board examination was near. I was doing a good preparation for the examination. Yes, I was preparing for my examination very well. Some days, I used to prepare with the drug addicted folks inside the nearby jungle. Sometimes, with the gambler inside the village. Yes, I was preparing my best on the journey to become a scientist.

I was travelling in the path where I was alone, wild and naked. Slowly and gradually,  I was moving out of the track.