Chapter 3

I've been sitting on the floor of my bedroom, sorting through all of the clothes in my dresser all morning. I have so many dresses, crop tops, skirts, and things that make me feel uncomfortable, cluttering up my room. It's like rummaging through a stranger's house every time I enter it.I have music playing quietly on my phone, which is sitting on my bed. I hum softly as I continue to sort, sigh, and repeat.As I look and think if there's anything I should get rid of in the large pile of clothes to the left of me, I have to resist the urge to stuff every last article of clothing into a garbage bag and burn it. As I'm about ready to go through my pile of bras that I haven't gone through since maybe two cup sizes ago, I hear a knock on my door. It wasn't Noa because the knock was different. Not obnoxious enough to be Stefan. My parents know no boundaries, so I wonder who the hell it could be."Come in?" I call out hesitantly.My door cracks slightly. I'm sitting at an angle where I couldn't see who was there unless the door was fully opened. It opens wider and wider."Atarah?" A familiar voice asks.I peek my head out so he can see me. "Sebastian..? What do you want?" Oh, shit. My pile of bras. I stand up quickly and lead him out into the hallway. I close the door behind me and try to act calm."Your mother let me in. Listen. I am so sorry about what happened on New Year's Eve." His words fly out immediately as my eyes meet his."It's fine, Seb. Really. I would have kissed you for forty bucks, too, if it were me." On the outside, I probably looked pissed. On the inside, I was a huge ball of confusion."Forty? No, no. It was eighty, actually."My eyes widen, and I feel myself stepping back a bit. "Eighty?""But that's not why I kissed you! I mean, I did do it for the money, but, well, this is embarrassing."He takes a long pause, running his fingers through his dark, wavy hair. He takes a deep breath before continuing. "I needed some extra cash because I'm out of a job. My family's restaurant isn't doing too well at the moment. I shouldn't have kissed you without consent. Or because of a bet in the first place. Listen. Greg's an ass, and so am I after that night. Please, let me make it up to you. Anything you want."I listen closely as he explains to me his motives for kissing me. I felt terrible that he was low on money and obviously wasn't doing the best right now. He looked incredibly stressed and tired. Sluggish. His voice was both lazy and sincere. Full of exhaustion. I carefully consider his offer."Anything?" I ask hesitantly. Whether or not I should forgive him, I know I am going to eventually. I can't stay mad at someone as attractive as him. I knew exactly what I was asking for."Anything at all.""I'm not sure if I should believe your excuse or not. I was just...humiliated.""I know, and I don't want to make excuses, but we were all drunk. I should have just declined the offer. Or at least warned you. But, I want you to know that I still want to be friends with you and keep in touch. You can even do something to humiliate me in return."I reply with a smile and a quiet laugh. "I don't think I should go that far. But how about pizza? Are you busy tomorrow?""Hm, sounds simple enough. I honestly was expecting something more...complex. But I wouldn't mind having lunch with you at all. Why don't I pick you up here around eleven thirty?" He replies."Wow, okay." I say, letting out a breath of relief, like I had been holding my breath this entire time. "Yeah, I'll see you then.""Sounds like a plan, then. Once again, I'm truly sorry. Thank you for being so understanding.""Hey, don't worry about it. Thank you for clearing things up.""I also heard what Leah was saying," he hesitantly brings up. " She told everyone? If things really aren't fine, you don't have to lie to me, Atarah."I didn't expect him to find out since we went to a different school, but what he was saying was true. Pretty much everyone at my school knew about the bet. But I do feel a thousand times better now that he's addressed it."Oh, no, I'm fine. Really. You, um, look pretty stressed, though. If you need anything, let me know."His charming smile reappears on his face. "Thanks. You are such a sweetheart. Come here." He steps closer. Intimidatingly close. I was terrified that this was going to be a repeat of last time. I tense up as he leans in close to me.He wraps his big, strong arms around my waist and lets his beautiful smelling hair drape down my arm as he rests his head on my shoulder. I soon relax in his embrace, taking in every second I spend in his arms. As he backs away to leave, I stay put, waving, and unable to say anything. His hair smelled like a mix of juicy strawberries and cotton candy. But not too strong. I wanted to stay in that position all day. Why didn't I just ask for that?After he leaves, I'm left standing in the hallway when Stefan walks out of his bedroom. "Hey, did I hear Seb?""Yeah, he just left, though." I reply as I try entering my bedroom.Stefan grabs my hand and tugs on it gently. "Well, what did he want? Was Jackson with him?""No, just him.""He was here for you?""Yeah. Is that such a surprise?" I ask."Yes, actually. You do know what they've all been saying, right?""They? Like, the girls at school, right? Cause, I really don't wanna talk about it.""Tarah, you should listen," my brother warns.It kind of scared me to hear him talk like this. He's usually the one making fun of me and tormenting me like an older brother should. He doesn't look out for me. I let him speak. "Everyone's been saying that Seb paid you.""What? Everyone?""At our school. Greg told some kids, and now they all think you're willing to sell your body.""Are you fucking kidding me? Did Sebastian deny it?""Seb hasn't been at school yet since break." He shrugs.I turn around and slam the door behind me. One rumor passing on throughout my own school was bad enough. Now another? The public school closest to our house was a lot closer than the one all boy's school that my parents wanted Stefan to go to. The public school was mainly made up of boys, since most of the girls around here went to my school. Now everyone around here thinks I'm some sort of prostitute, or am so repulsive that someone would need to get paid to kiss me. I wonder if Seb knows. Is that why he hasn't been at school? I wonder if it would be less humiliating if I had just told everyone I was transgender.I continued to stress-clean to keep my mind off of things. Organizing my dresser was just my first task. My mother and father don't really care how I keep my room. But whenever I'm feeling stressed, or overwhelmed, I clean. I even offered to clean the bathroom, kitchen, and living room this weekend. I make my bed next, which I usually do right after I wake up. Instead, I woke up this morning in the mood to clean everything else.The urge grows stronger as I try to push everything out of my mind. I even scrub the floor and clean under my bed. I clean the staircase and wash the bathroom walls. I went on one of what my father likes to call my "Cleaning Rampages." I then go downstairs, sliding down the freshly cleaned and polished railing, and hopping onto the front entrance area, right when the doorbell rings. Nobody who comes here often bothers to ring the doorbell. I open the door curiously."Oh, Atarah! I came here to surprise you! Give me a hug!" My grandmother Rose, who refers to herself as "Gram Gram," gives me a hug, squeezing me tightly, nearly bruising me despite her frail look and lack of muscles. So...bony. Stefan, help!"Gram Gram! Do Mother and Father know you're here?" I ask, trying to pull away from her strong embrace. She finally lets go of me, and I can breathe again."Your mother actually invited me over, and planned to keep it a secret. I bought a surprise for you." She explains, straightening out her dark blue flowery dress."Surprise? What is it?" A smile plays at the corner of my lips. I used to love when she would come over and bring homemade treats and cards for the family. Father would always tell stories of how she would cook for him all day, every day once she retired. She usually visits a couple times a year. She lives in the state of Arizona. They both moved there when my dad was young, from Romania. My dad ended up moving here a couple years before he met my mother. Gram Gram stayed there. We used to come visit quite often, every summer, until I was around eleven."Come in, Jesse!""Jesse?! Jesse Jesse? Gram Gram, you didn't!" I run outside and meet my old best friend in a tight, desperate hug, all of his things dropping to the ground. "Jesse! Oh my God, what are you doing here?!" Tears fill my eyes, and I struggle to find the words to explain how I felt right now. How much love I have for my grandma."Rose kept in contact with my mom when we moved, and we just recently moved back to Arizona. She told us she was going to visit you, and offered to bring me with." He explains, laughing softly at my excitement.Jesse was my one other best friend. When we were eleven, he moved in with his mom after his parents got divorced. We stopped coming to Arizona to visit, because at that age, I was severely affected, losing someone as close as him. I was so sad I barely left my room all summer. He was different from Noa. I felt like I could tell him absolutely anything, and knew right away that I would be able to come out to him. I can catch up with him, and he can maybe even help me. I finally have this chance. We can bond again.I helped him gather his things, and Grandma Rose and I called out for my parents, who were down in the basement, taking care of doing laundry.They didn't even know that my grandmother was going to bring Jesse. Once we were all reunited, I helped carry Jesse's things to my room. Gram Gram was going to stay in our guest room and stay here all week."Jesse, what are you going to do when I'm at school, though?""Well, I actually have a job now. I do photoshoots here and there, and even booked a few gigs around the area this week.""What? That's amazing! You model?!""Yeah, it's just a little side thing when I'm not catering with my older cousins back home. So, what have you been up to? God, it's been forever!""I know, right? Well, why don't you let me change into better clothes real quick, then we can catch up? I've been cleaning all day," I reply. He let me change into a shirt that wasn't loose and baggy and covered with dust and cleaning supplies. I fix my hair and take it out of my matted messy bun.We both make ourselves comfortable on my bed. "Well, first, I think you should know something. But you can't mention it to anyone, because they don't know.""Oh? Alright, I can do that. What's up? Do you have a boyfriend? Oh my God, are you pregnant?""No, no! God, no!" I laugh. "Jesse! Actually, I'm transgender." I admit, surprisingly easily. It just slipped right out like that. Like I've told a million people.His expression immediately softens. I knew he would always be supportive of me, but it's just not something I'm used to around here. "Oh, Tarah. I'm so glad you told me. Does anyone else know?"I sigh in relief. "Actually, you're the first.""Well, then your secret is safe with me." He leans to the right and wraps an arm around me. "I know how hard it can be to come out, not knowing if anyone is going to accept you. I have a transgender friend, named Jasper. If you want his number, he's really good at offering support, and tips.""Wow, that would be great. Thank you so much for being so understanding, Jesse. You're the first." I shrug."No problem, Atar- Sorry, would you like to be called something else, when it's just us two?" He asks cautiously. I found it so cute how he slapped his hand over his mouth when he realized I may want to use a different name."Y-yeah, actually. Could you call me Lucian?""Of course! It's a really cool name. How'd you choose it?""It was going to be my name if my mom had another boy. I had been jealous since as long as I could remember. All along, they really did have another boy, so it made sense. And I think it's a badass name."We stayed up all night catching up. Once everyone else in the house was asleep, we whispered secrets next to each other and giggled like little kids, like we used to. It's like nothing has changed. Except, now he grew into his nose that used to look too big for his tiny face, and he dyed his hair blonde. I missed his messy black hair, but I actually think the blonde suits him better. He never lost his attitude and sass that I loved about him. He always wore the same style of round silver framed glasses, and never wore a dark color around anyone. He loved pastel colors, because they remind him of Easter, his second favorite holiday. His first favorite was the same as mine: Halloween. But it's 'too dark to coordinate outfits with such a holiday,' he would always say. I was beyond ecstatic that I got my best friend back. Just eight hours ago, I was nearly in tears, wanting to disappear because of stupid rumors. Now, I don't give a shit. At least, as long as he's here. Or, as long as it's the weekend, I guess. Either way, I haven't been this happy in ages. I forgot just how much I love him.***"Lucian, wake up. I'm hungry!"My eyes snap open as I hear Jesse's voice. This is the first time I've been woken up like this. Smiling because I was called the name I've always wanted. Jesse makes me feel somewhat normal. He doesn't judge, or ask too many questions. He just picks up on my body language, and seems to know me better than anyone else.'"Mmh. Jesse, what time is it?"'"8:13."'"No, go back to bed," I murmured in response, pulling a pillow over my face.He tugs the pillow away and manages to drag me off the bed, causing me to hit my head on my bed frame. After he made sure I didn't concuss myself, he began to laugh hysterically with me. He used to be the clumsy one. Now he's a smart and cautious person, and plans to graduate at the end of junior year. I wish I was that smart. Of course, I had all A's and B's, so I wasn't ever really complaining. Still, he didn't move on and forget about me after he moved. We are still best friends, even though we are now in different places in our lives nearly five years later.Since he is already sixteen, and has his license, Jesse takes me out for breakfast. Then, I remember I had made plans with Sebastian for lunch. I take a bite of my omelet, but nearly choke on it when I remember."Shit! I forgot, I have lunch plans later! Do you mind? I promise, I won't be out long. Sebastian is going to pick me up at eleven thirty. Here, finish my omelet. I don't want to be rude and not eat in front of him!""Woah, woah. Slow down. First of all, I will gladly devour that omelet. And second, who the hell is Sebastian? I thought you said you didn't have a boyfriend.""I don't. He's just...it's complicated." I try to explain to him that we aren't actually dating, without telling him that there are rumors going around that I sell my body."Oh, so you're just talking? Like, pre-dating?""No, more like...pre-friends.""What? Honey, you're gonna have to back it up and explain to me."I explain to him mine and Sebastian's history. Meeting around Thanksgiving, and making me my first ever Thanksgiving dinner, and then the bet. But not about the rumors. He immediately tells me that he is undeserving of me or a lunch date. But he just didn't understand. He doesn't know just how attractive, and charming he is, every other time we talked except for that one night. "Just wait until you see him. I know you're not into men, but you are going to lose your mind."After he finishes two plates of breakfast, Jesse pays for everything. "So, tell me. What's going to happen if he tells you he's into you? Are you going to tell him about who you really are?""I know I should just tell him, but then I'd ruin a chance at a relationship with him," I worry."But if you don't, you'll ruin a chance at a happy relationship, because you won't be yourself."He was right. I just didn't know when a good time to tell Seb would be. I was just going to go out, eat pizza, and make small talk like we usually do. I asked Jesse to help me get ready, because he had great taste in clothing, and was an actual model. I told him not to stick me in anything too loud. Just something simple, yet attractive. As I got carried away telling him about Sebastian, I didn't realize until we were parked in the parking lot, that he had driven us to the mall.He surprisingly helps me pick out a beautiful dress. I wasn't perfectly comfortable, and Jesse could tell. But I had to tell him otherwise, or he would continue searching for something, and we would be at the mall all day. He wanted me to wear something I would be comfortable in, but that would be a loose fitted t-shirt, basketball shorts, and a binder to flatten my chest. I couldn't show up to a lunch date with my crush like that.We got home just in time. I put on a short light blue dress. The sleeves went off my shoulders and were only slightly puffy, and had tiny white flower designs on them. The dress hugged my waist but then the bottom was looser, and had a frilly kind of bottom. I put on the pendant that Sebastian had told me he liked, and the matching ring.I slipped on some white high tops, since they were more my style. I told Jesse that the dress may be a bit too much, but by the time I had apologized for questioning his taste, Sebastian knocked on the door. Jesse sprays me with another extra touch of perfume, and then wishes me luck. He watches us from the top of the stairs. Jesse and I both audibly gasp when I open the door.