Chapter 4

"Atarah. Wow, you look... good." Sebastian shakes his head in disbelief as he examines my outfit. "I mean, amazing. I mean, that dress is really pretty.""Thanks, I um, actually had my friend help me pick it out. I know nothing about fashion," I laugh, trying to focus on the doorframe instead of him. I would be blushing so terribly that he would suggest he takes me to the hospital instead of for pizza. I just can't seem to act normal around him."Noa?""No, actually, an old friend of mine. Jesse. He's actually here right now." Jesse peeks his head out and slowly makes his way down the stairs. I was crossing my fingers behind my back that he didn't say anything to embarrass me the entire time.Words and formalities are exchanged, boring small talk I didn't pay attention to, and meanwhile, I was admiring the beauty that was Sebastian. He was wearing a simple gray sweater that was specifically tight around his strong arms and made him look even more sexy. Along with the sweater, he had on black jeans and tennis shoes. It was obvious he put in effort when picking out his outfit, but not anymore than usual. He doesn't dress to impress, but the fact that he can say just about anything, wear just about anything, and take me anywhere and make me fall for him even harder was enough to impress me."Hey! It's nice to meet you, man. I'm Jesse. Is that your car out there? Nice."I step closer to Seb without even realizing at first, admiring our height comparison. It made knots form in my stomach as I imagined what kinds of things we could do if we were alone, maybe at his place. Or, a hotel. I began questioning why I even requested pizza when there were so many possibilities. He did say we could do whatever I wanted. Stop, stop it. Bad. Bad thoughts. Impure thoughts. Grandpa Paul is rolling in his grave. Stop it."Ready to go?" He asks, smiling softly as he looks down at me.I flash him a vulnerable smile before looking behind me."Yep, see you later, Jesse. You have a photoshoot later, right?""Yeah, you can probably come if you wanted to. But, go ahead and enjoy your little date!" He calls out. I just wish he could have seen the desperation in my eyes, begging him to shut up."Date? I thought we were just getting pizza," Sebastian says as we talk toward his car."Yeah, I know, but that's Jesse for you. It's always so...dramatic." I sigh, getting into the car.Sebastian didn't seem to mind that Jesse called it a date. Almost as if his question was to playfully tease me. "You know, I hate to be the one to stereotype, but, is he...""Gay?" I ask, knowing it was going to be brought up. My parents always used to ask every summer if he had come out to me yet. I've learned not to stereotype anyone from him. "No, he's actually straight. Or, if he isn't, he hasn't told me yet.""Oh, alright. You know, I was just wondering, cause, I thought he was kind of cute," he blushes.A familiar knot forms in my stomach, but this time, for all the wrong reasons. Okay, so he called my friend cute. Okay, he's blushing. He didn't start until Jesse came down the stairs back at the house. Don't panic.Noticing my uncomfortable shifting in the seat, he asks, "Is everything alright? Is it too hot in here?""No, no, I'm fine. Thanks again for yesterday. For clarifying. Um, I hate bringing this up now, but I can't help but ask. Is it true you haven't been at school since break?"He thinks about how he should answer for a moment. 'Well, yeah. I was sick the first day, then took an extra day off to help with the restaurant, even though the business has been so bad. Wasn't necessary. But then, I got... nervous..""Nervous?""I know what they're saying, Atarah. And listen, I did not apologize enough yesterday. I promise, tomorrow, I'm going back, and I will tell everyone that I kissed you because I wanted to." So he does know."So, you didn't hate the kiss?"He lets out a small laugh, a smile reappearing as he looks at me out of the corner of his eye. "You are something else, Atarah. You know that?"Wait. What's that supposed to mean? Before I can ask, we pull into the parking lot. But I have hope that once we sit down, we will be able to talk without any excuses or interruptions. Do I finally have my chance? And, if so, what is that chance? Coming out to him, risk getting rejected, or asking him out on another date sometime, possibly getting rejected, or setting myself up for being unhappy all my life? Of course, deep down, I know that it isn't worth it to have him if I can't be honest with myself. I decided just to test the waters and see where our lunch date takes us.After ordering our pizza, we take our time talking about our days. I really didn't care what we talked about ultimately. I enjoyed just being close to him. But an underlying urge continued to build up inside. To confess to something before he takes me back home."Then, I had to help my sister with her math homework. Ana does whatever she can for extra points, even though kindergarteners don't get letter grades, and it's nearly impossible to get held back," he laughs. "She's so cute." Sebastian says between bites of his pepperoni pizza."I wish I had younger siblings. I got stuck with Stefan. And I'm sure you hear plenty of stories about him at school.""All he talks about is himself!" We both say in unison."Yeah, but I'm sure he's looking out for you in his own way. And if not, that's what I'm here for now.""I really appreciate that. So, do you mind if I get your phone number sometime before we leave here?"Seb takes out his phone. I do the same, and we trade our phone number. That was surprisingly disaster free."You know, now that we're finally alone, I don't really know what all to say. I'm not too great at keeping conversations going," he explains."That's okay! I just want to get to know you better. The first time we spent more than ten minutes together in nearly a year, well, we both knew what happened. Tell me, what are some of your hobbies, besides cooking and art?""Well," he begins, looking out the window of the pizza place to think about it. "Usually, when I'm not painting or cooking, I'm reading or taking care of my family and the restaurant.""I don't get much time to read, but I enjoy it too. I'm also taking care of my family a lot. Stefan isn't responsible enough. At least, not to my mother's standards.""After all the stories you've told me about her, your mom seems like a hard ass," he laughs."She is, she really is. But I love my family. We're just...different.""Well, I think being different is great." His voice softens, and he leans in closer, smiling sincerely."You're so nice, Sebastian. And, you've told me before that you're single?""Yeah, well, I guess I need to find someone who's more like you," he shrugs.His smile was so contagious that I didn't even realize what he was saying at first. Is that what he's saying? I slowly inch my hand further to where he was on his side of the table. I wanted so badly to grab his hand. But then, he pulls him away, stands up, and excuses himself to use the bathroom.I sigh in frustration after he leaves my sight. I need to ask him how he feels about me. But, are these real mixed signals he's sending me, or are these just illusions? Is my brain playing tricks on me?"Sorry, Atarah. So-""So -""Oh, sorry, you can go first," he offers."Um, you said back in the car that you thought Jesse was cute. Did you mean...""I'm sorry, I wanted to tell you, but I wasn't sure if you thought this was going to be a date or not," Sebastian blurted out. "But then you said that thing about the kiss. And, asked if I was single.""So, you don't like me, then?""I guess," he sighs. "Listen, I know it's cliche, but I truly think you're a spectacular woman, Atarah. But, you're just not... a guy. I'm really sorry. You're responsible, and smart, and you listen. I hope I don't offend you any further, but hanging out with you... it's like hanging out with one of the guys."On the outside, I froze, but on the inside, my heart was falling to the floor. Came crashing down and the world got blurry. As if his words actually affected my life span. Like I could pass out at this moment. "No, I get it. You don't have to explain. If I...looked like a guy, he acted like a guy -""Listen, I'd love nothing more than to stay friends with you. But, hoping you don't change your mind now, I gotta say it. I really started questioning things again when I met you. But, that's just part of growing up, hm?""Yeah. I'd like that too." I think I'm going to be sick.***"He did not!" Jesse yells over the phone."I know! But it is kind of my fault, don't you think?""What, that he's a clueless heartbreaker?""No," I say hesitantly. "That he rejected me. I had the perfect chance to tell him!""Why didn't you, then? You didn't have to be scared, Lucian. He told you he's attracted to guys! You're a guy!" Jesse yells. I was stuck whispering as I sat on a bench at the mall. I lied and told Seb that I just needed a ride here because it's where Jesse was. I was really here to go out and finally take action."But, what if he wants...a real guy?""You are a real guy. You just had to take a couple extra steps to get there. By the way, I got you a surprise when you get home.""Surprise? Jesse, you already gave me a hundred bucks for today. Tomorrow night, I'm taking you out for Chinese food, your favorite.""Oh, thank you, thank you! But afterward, I'm getting you dessert.""No, you're not!" I respond, not truly mad, but trying to just do something nice for him. I forgot how stubborn he could be.I hang up and stand up from the bench. Now, it's time to go into a store that sold exclusively men's clothes. Jesse seemed to know what looked good on me better than I did, so he offered to call me when we planned this this morning. But I had just faked being angry at him and now have to call him back."Hey, Jesse..." I squeak out, knowing he would be extra enough to expect an apology."Apologize, send me pictures, and I'll walk you through it," he instructs.After what seemed like an hour, I checked the time and realized it had been. But I had successfully picked out nearly one hundred dollars worth of men's clothes, which weren't too boring, had some color, but nothing too tacky on them."Thank you so much, Jess. But you do know I won't get much use out of these at this rate," I say over the phone."Then come out to your friends!""So, Noa.""Yeah." he replies. "I mean, start off by telling her, since you know she's no stranger to the community. She is the one with the two moms, right?""Yeah, yeah. Alright. The next time I see her, I'll come out to her. Promise." Though it sounded like he was pushing me too hard, and forcing me, we both knew that if he wasn't on my ass about it every day until he left for Arizona next weekend, I wouldn't make any progress. I was still quite terrified, but I know I have no genuine reason to. Jesse helped me understand words that seemed less scary when he said them. So, that's why, on my annual birthday sleepover with her, I am going to tell her."Plus, after you tell her, who knows? You may feel more confident and open up to Sebastian," he suggests, completely leaving out my parents. It didn't surprise me a bit. Last summer, they had a hunch when I started playing all of my video games with male characters and deleted my social media accounts after someone commented on one of my posts, calling me Lucian. I deleted all social media and haven't played video games since. I didn't want them to be reminded. They both ended up letting it go and probably forgot completely. But I wasn't going to risk it.As soon as I pay, I wait for Jesse outside. We only lived ten minutes from the mall, and it was a very nice day out. However, I didn't expect him to walk. I was too exhausted to walk almost eight miles. He shoots me a menacing smile, strutting his way through the parking lot, holding a tote bag."Jess! You need to go back home and get the car. I am not walking!" I yell as I meet him at the end of the parking lot."Come on, I'll carry you if I have to. Let's go before we get run over!"I reluctantly take his hand, and we begin walking. "So, what's the surprise?""It's in this bag." Jesse explains.He refuses to let me see what is in the bag and tugs it away when I try grabbing it when he isn't paying attention. We discussed his upcoming photoshoot for most of the walk. He didn't have to be there for another hour, but I decided to tell him I would sit this one out, knowing he would still try everything to get me to leave the house with him. He always had a way of convincing me to do what he wanted. We grew up together. Every summer, it was the same thing. We pretend we were siblings, go out to our favorite ice cream place, visit the pool, and then fill up on vending machine snacks and spoil our dinner."I missed you so much, Jess. You have no idea. I'm just so glad we can finally keep in touch now.""So, you seriously don't have any kind of social media? You know there's a whole damn community out there online that's full of people exactly like you." He was right. But it was too risky right now. I don't take risks. I do what's safe and logical. That's our biggest difference."I know. But, I don't want anyone around here finding out that they aren't meant to," I sigh."Just think about it. You can find support, and people may even look up to you. You're not just some closeted nobody. Open up, and be yourself, Lucian.""I'll think about it. But can we talk about you now?""We've been talking about me this whole time. I have one more question.""What's that?"Jesse turns around to face me. He was a faster walker than me. He stops and holds out his hands, signaling me to stop as well. "Is Sebastian a Greek God? Cause holy shit, that man could turn me.""Oh, yeah! I forgot to tell you! He asked if you were gay.""Wait, seriously? And you told him no, right?""Yeah. He was a little disappointed, which should have been my first red flag. I mean, he told me that if I were more like...well, a guy, I would be his type. You and I are so different in appearance. Maybe he just doesn't want to hurt my feelings.""Either way, you really know how to pick 'em," Jesse says as we continue our journey home. We were already just a block away from my house."So, your birthday is on the fourteenth, right?" He asks, sounding a bit scared to get it wrong. We used to fight like brothers when we were younger, so anytime he would get something about me wrong, I would tackle him until he apologized."Yep. You remembered! So, Noa and I always have a sleepover at her house the night of my birthday. You should definitely come on Friday. She will absolutely love you. And her moms are super sweet. They always make me a strawberry cake that the whole family shares with me, and then we make lemon bread, my favorite. It's a tradition we started right after you moved, actually. We did it once to cheer me up, then made it a birthday tradition.""And you're sure they won't mind?""Not at all," I reassured him. "Plus, I'll need you to help me break the news. I might as well just tell everyone there when we're baking.""Didn't you say Noa has a brother?" He asks, opening the front door for me. We're home already?"Yeah, but Jackson is usually in his room, talking to Stefan on the phone and playing video games. He usually ignores me, so we won't have to worry about him telling my brother. Ashe and Diana know not to out anyone." Ashe and Diana were two of the best parents I met. They have rules, but don't punish their children for being themselves. Ever since I met Noa, I would jokingly ask if I could just move in with them.As soon as we get upstairs to my room, my grandmother walks in and asks how we were doing. For some reason, beyond my understanding, Jesse hides the bag behind his bag. We both knew that Gram Gram was very nosy, but it only made my curiosity grow, and I started to grow worried about the contents inside. We planned to watch a movie with her in the living room after dinner. After she leaves, Jesse takes the bag and sets it on the bed. It lies flat on my sheets, tipping over on its side. "What is it, Jess? If it's something illegal, I swear -" I laugh."It's not, don't worry. You can look now. I hit up my friend's manager, who actually works at the studio here. I was there while you were at the mall. We still have to go up later for the photoshoot, but I knew I could get a hold of one for you, and I thought you would appreciate this when you tried on your secret stash of clothes," he explains.I curiously pulled out what was inside of the green tote bag. It was what looked to be a crop top at first glance. But once I felt the material and looked closer, I knew what it was. I first looked back to my left to see Jesse's face as I observed his gift. I look back at the binder I held in my hands, trying my hardest not to cry. Nobody's done something this nice for me in years. "Jesse... you are truly amazing! I really hope you didn't have to go through too much trouble to get this. Oh my God, this is awesome!" I jump up and down twice, not even caring how red my face was, or how insecure I usually am about my smile."Happy early birthday, Lucian."