Chapter 13
"Hey, that's really beautiful," I mumble softly.
"Did I wake you, sweetie?" Lora slows down her strumming as I walk in, until she's stopped playing completely.
"Yeah, but it's a good thing. I didn't have an alarm set. Plus, it was a nice way to wake up."
"Well, thank you! It's actually a song I wrote many, many years ago that I was just playing."
"Oh, yeah, I know," I interrupt softly, my smile never fading.
"You do? How's that?"
"Gram Gram. She adored your voice. She said it was always so angelic, even as a teen."
"I didn't know she ever talked about me," she shrugged, "but I guess I should have visited."
"Oh, she loved you always. I know that for a fact. She kind of stopped talking about you as much after dad and mom got married." I come sit down on the floor next to her, in front of a shelf of beautiful crystals.
"Bianca never did want me around."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring down the mood. But I just wanted to let you know that she was always thinking about you, I'm sure. She would sing that song to me when I was feeling down. To help me fall asleep. Up until one of my last visits to Arizona. I still hum it to myself. After finding out its meaning, it made me think that she always kind of knew that I was like you."
Lora sighs and smiles in amazement and adoration. "I think that's just beautiful, Lucian. You didn't even know me until two days ago. Yet we were connected with a song. Just proves you're a true, genuine person. Would you like to sing along with me? Then we can get you ready for school."
I have to blink rapidly to keep tears from flowing down my cheeks. Lora has already cared for me the way I wanted more than my mom ever has. Of course, Lora understands what I'm going through, but even if she hadn't gone through something similar, she was so much better at taking care of people than my own mother. She seemed to have a motive beyond feeling obligated to make it seem like she cared. She truly does. "I would love that. I um, only know the first verse completely."
"No worries! I just love bonding over music. If there's one positive thing I have to say about your mother- no offense- she has a beautiful singing voice. Were you blessed with her talent?"
"She never took me to lessons growing up like Gram Gram did for you, but I suppose I do have some of her talent. I lack the technique and proper teaching, but-"
"But now that's what I'm here for," Lora finishes.
We both share a quick laugh before she picks up the guitar, and starts from the beginning. The melodic tune plays softly and begins to fade softly as I watch her hands. I snap back to life when I hear her voice. I've only heard it when Gram Gram would play it for me. And that was years ago. She sounded even more incredible now. I join in, very quietly singing the lyrics.
She nods and smiles at me, encouraging me to continue. As the song continues through the chorus, I open up, my posture straightens. I breathe in deeply and extract every surprisingly beautiful note from deep within me. Each word I sang seemed to relate to me more than it ever had any other time I'd hum it or sing it while I was cleaning or trying to fall asleep. Lora sings the second verse, opening up to me a whole new realm of thoughts I didn't even know how to put into words until now. I could hear the joy, and pain, and suppressed feelings inside of every note she sang, even after years of singing it. She had always dreamed of being famous. Gram Gram always told me that Lora was aiming to be a superstar. And even if she lacked talent, she was still so contagiously bright and inspiring. She's still shining, just as I knew she had been, before I even knew her. By the time the chorus comes around again, I'm shaking slightly, and my words can hardly come out. They come out delayed, and low in certain places, and high and trembling in others, until I completely lose control, in the most beautiful way possible. My tears subside as she stops playing and hugs me tight.
"I'm sorry," I manage to squeak out.
"No, no, honey. Don't be. Music can pull out deep, dark emotions. Beautiful ones. Mixed feelings. Let yourself feel all those things you were never allowed to. What do you say I make you a cup of tea, just the way you like it?"
I nod, sniffling and wiping away my remaining tears. I spend the next thirty minutes making myself look as masculine and comfortable as possible. I came out to enjoy my morning tea out on the deck with my aunt, who had a cup of coffee for herself. I've picked out a black T-shirt, some beige cargo pants that Jesse gave me (since he couldn't stand to give up his pink ones), and the same jewelry I was wearing yesterday. I had been too exhausted to take it off before I went to bed last night. My new friend, whose name I still don't know and I stayed up discussing our favorite books and movies past midnight.
Lora hands me a cup of tea, and motions for me to sit down. I take a seat, and stare out at the sun that was still rising. "I'm usually not a morning person, but I would get used to waking up this early. It's beautiful out here. Hey, who lives in that huge house over there?"
"That's the Bradley family. Their daughter, Ashley is a pageant queen. She was on some TV shows growing up and made them somewhat famous. They settled back down here in that house when she became a teenager," she explains.
"Sounds like you're not a huge fan of them."
"I suppose not. They're stuck up rich people. The stereotypical ones that are ungrateful for all they have."
"Hm, I would have just figured my mom turned all rich people sour for you," I laugh.
"That too. But it's not all bad. They host dinners every other Friday, and they make really great food. The invites they feel obligated to give me and the view from here is what's keeping me living in this house."
"This is a really nice house you have. I prefer it over my old house."
"Didn't you enjoy having a huge house? Living in a mansion? You must have gone on so many work trips thanks to your dad growing up. All over the place."
I shrug. "I guess I didn't pay attention. I was always there, but I was never there, you know? They never raised me expecting me to work hard for anything, so I didn't. I once spent two weeks in Hawaii on my phone most of the time. I'm finally appreciating all the small things." I pause, taking a sip of my hot tea. "Did you ever get that feeling growing up, where your opinions, or, just how you behave is so far off from everyone else? Like, you wonder how you were the product of your parents?" I laughed softly, not sure if I was making any sense.
"Oh, yes, actually. I know what you mean. Just be true to yourself. Just because they're your parents, doesn't mean they know everything. I'm sure you're plenty thankful, but you deserve credit too."
"I practically raised myself. Everything they taught me- I had to correct and re-learn the right way. Am I that bad of a person that I doubted them, every step of the way?"
"I wouldn't say bad. You don't have to agree with your family. As long as you forgive them at some point. Know that they had good intentions."
"Funny. My dad said the same thing to me before I left. I know they tried. But rather than trying to get me to open up, my mom tried to keep me from turning out as a disgrace."
"But a disgrace in her eyes is someone who isn't a coward, who hides who they are. You're not a disgrace, Lucian. You're just different."
"I know that. It took me a while, but after ten years, I was certain about who I was. I didn't even mind that I left my old school after a day like that. It was terrible, but I can stomach it now, because I'm done hiding."
"What do you mean by that?"
"It's the fact that it was a foreign concept to everyone that made it so mortifying. I took that day as a blessing. I could finally use the teasing I've faced as an excuse to leave my past of hiding who I was."
Lora reaches to the right of her and squeezes my hand. "And I'm so proud of you for that. You're a very smart, blessed boy. I'm so happy to finally get to know you."
"So am I."
We sit in a comfortable silence. Something I've never experienced at home. It was "You should be studying more," or "You need to talk more. You're too shy." Here, I can sit comfortably. Here, I can feel normal. Here, I can make new friends, and look back on my old life as the start of this great one. As a large memory of who I still am, and the parts of me that I never was.
I soon realized that the perks had only begun. When it was time to head to school, Lora grabbed her keys and led me to her car.
"You mean, I'm not taking the bus?"
"It's only twenty minutes. Besides, it won't cut into my job to drive you places. So I already let the school know that I'll be giving you rides to and from school unless you choose to drive, or there's an emergency."
I knew not to argue with Lora, even if I wasn't truly upset with her. I should be grateful, and not take anything for granted. Instead, I just smile and thank her, like I'm not struggling to keep down my breakfast of waffles and sausage.
"Are you nervous, honey?"
"You catch onto these things pretty fast. How are you so good at parenting?"
Lora shrugs. "I guess I just have a gift," she winks at me.
***When we arrive at the school, I'm met with a glorious sight. A beautiful array of colors and different styles of clothing on all the students. Everyone looks different. I see girls with short hair, long hair, blue hair. Boys with band tees and basketball shorts. Boys with makeup, girls in flannel pajama pants. Teachers wearing jeans and comfy shirts with cardigans over them. Lora can see my smile when I step out of the car. She peeks her head over and gives me a kiss on the cheek. "Have a wonderful first day, Lucian. If you get nervous, or you need anything, text me."I thank her, and walk toward the building with confidence. Blinding confidence, apparently. Because the next thing I know, I'm running straight into a boy who wasn't paying any attention, wearing big, bulky headphones and looking out across the street where a girl is walking to school. She was very pretty, so I didn't see any reason to yell at him to look where he's going, even if he did notice me. A pair of hands grabs my shoulders, and my first instinct is to yelp. She steers me out of the way of the boy.
"Gah!"
"Sorry, sorry! My stupid boyfriend doesn't care to watch where he's going." the girl replies.
I turn around, and see a stunning girl with long, dark, chestnut brown hair. It fell down well past her shoulders. It looked like it was styled using a curler of some kind. She had bangs that were straightened, or at least more so than the rest of her hair. Her eyes were a deep hazel green color, and her skin was a light brown color, but darker than mine. She had long lashes, glittery blush or something on her cheeks, and beautiful, perfect plump lips painted a dark pink-ish color.
"H-hello, it's fine. You're fine. I mean, you're good. Don't... don't worry."
"Are you new here?" she asks. Her boyfriend comes to walk alongside her. They lead me into the building as we talk.
"Yeah. This is my first day. I'm Lucian."
The girl sticks out her hand for me to shake. "I'm Zahara, and this is Liam."
"And, you said Liam is your boyfriend?"
Liam tries to interject, but Zahara shoots him a look before turning back to me. "He doesn't like using that term. We have more of an open relationship. He can see whoever he wants, I can do the same."
"Oh. Where I moved from, nobody was okay with stuff like that. I mean, I am. I don't have an issue with it. So, um, I honestly have no clue what I'm doing. Do you mind leading me to the principal's office so I can find out my schedule?"
"Of course!" She takes my hand and leads me through the lobby, while Liam stays behind to wait for the beautiful blonde he was looking at across the street.
When I am given my schedule, the principal takes a look at me, and then Zahara. He takes back the paper and scribbles down some things on another piece of paper, and I am given the same paper, but with lines crossed out on a few classes, and notes written all over the paper that I could hardly make out. He murmurs something only Zahara could make out.
"You have the same schedule as me now, so I can show you around." When we leave, I snicker quietly, once we are out of earshot.
"You understood that?"
"Yeah, well, I've been going to this school my whole life. He's been principal for over twenty years here."
"I'm not sure if he likes me. He gave me some strange looks," I point out.
"Principal Herbert is actually pretty nice. Probably just confused to see a boy with long hair, being as ancient as he is," she replies.
I stop walking completely, taken aback by actually hearing somebody calling me a boy without having to correct them first. Do I really pass as a boy to strangers?
"Did I say the wrong thing? I'm sorry, you just looked like- are you a female? I didn't mean to offend, trust me!"
I just begin laughing, slightly out of nervousness I've kept bottled up. But mostly out of joy. "No, I'm a guy. That's hilarious, though! You should have seen your face!"
She just rolls her eyes, but obviously just teasing, because she was grinning. "Just making sure!"
"No, I really do appreciate it," I begin as we make our way up a flight of stairs. "I'm transgender, actually. I'm still just not used to hearing people refer to me as a boy."
"Oh. Really? I guess I didn't really even... tell. I'm sorry, is that offensive? Tell me if I'm being rude!"
We reach the top of the stairs, and I stop when I see all the kids moving through the hall. This school was at least twice as big as my old one. Zahara leads me through the ocean of people flooding the hallway. Our homeroom was on the other end of the hall. When we get there, a table of girls and a couple boys are waving and yelling for her. "Zara! Come sit! Zara," one girl calls out.
She takes my hand and drags me over to the group of people. I shift my weight from one foot to the other nervously as she introduces me.
"This is the new student Ashley told us about."
"Hi, I'm Lucian. I-"
"Are you the boy that moved in with Miss Bucur?" One of the boys asks.
"Yeah, that's me. She's my aunt, actually," I explained as I sat down next to Zahara.
"That's amazing!" The same boy yells. "What's it like?"
"What do you mean? How do you all know her?"
Zahara's eyes widened, tugging on my wrist and grinning. "You didn't know? Our school still takes us on a field trip to the circus she used to perform at every year!"
"So, she's well known around here?"
"Yeah! How did you not know that?"
"Well, cause I'm not from around here. I moved from a town across the state. I hadn't even met her before until this weekend."
"Why did you move?" Another girl asks. She had short blonde hair, and two blue butterfly clips in it. She was wearing a light blue cardigan, and adorable ripped blue jeans with flowers painted on them below the knees. She stands up and leans in toward the center of the table, as if it will help her receive the information any faster than the others.
"My hometown just wasn't a good place for people like me," I responded calmly. I was actually surprised when most of them tilted their heads in concern. As if to ask what the hell I was talking about. "I'll just get it out of the way. I'm trans, my family and school didn't like it, and now I'm with my aunt in a progressive town five hours away from my old home."
They all stare back in awe at how comfortable I am talking about it. Those looks were actually quite similar to the baffled looks I got when my former classmates found out about me. But then, they all begin to reach out with their hands, or give sympathetic smiles. I smile back softly and nod my head, as if I'm some kind of hero. I felt a bit disgusted that I enjoyed all of this attention on me. I've never really had much attention on me unless it was negative, so this was a pleasant surprise. And I'm already certain that I will be getting plenty more of these pleasant surprises while I'm living here. The same girl with blonde hair speaks up.
"So, just so we all get on the same page, you were born female? But now you're a boy?"
I nod in response, my cheeks flushing slightly.
The rest of our conversation just continued like that. They were all so accepting. If anyone interrupted another on accident, they would profusely apologize, and nobody dared to leave their candy wrappers or crumpled up math notes on the floor. What planet am I on?
I quickly learned the names of everyone in my new little group before my first class, which, for some reason, was our physical education class. Who on earth made up our schedule, why can't we pick ours until next year, and just... really? Though everything was going great, I surely had some words for the person who decided that anyone would have P.E. at 8:30 in the morning. Anyway, the blonde girl with the adorable blue outfit was Donna. The boy sitting to the right of her was Finn, and diagonal to him, two seats to the left of me was his brother, Garret. Garret was into sports, and turned out to be an incredibly fast runner. He always has gum in his book bag, and what came as a shock to me was the fact that we were even allowed to have gum in class. Him and Finn were identical twins, but there was no way of confusing them. They were born looking alike, but Finn had a darker style than Garret. He was even allowed to have five facial piercings at the age of fifteen. He had pale skin like his brother, and less evident freckles. Zara (which I was quickly notified I could call her, instead of her full name), would tease him and call him a vampire. To the left of Garret were two girls named Vera and Sabine. Vera had her golden blonde hair tossed up in a messy bun and had on a gray sweatshirt with the school's name on it, and gray-blue sweatpants. She had on a gold, dainty necklace with an 'S' on it, and Sabine had one with a 'V' on it. Sabine's long, curly hair trickled down and coiled around her arms as she grabbed onto Vera. I was certain they were dating, until Vera's boyfriend showed up and asked her for a strawberry candy she had bought a full package of that morning.
I had already noticed some major differences that just didn't seem real to me. I wasn't used to how laid back everyone seemed. Our shop class teacher let us swear, and swore back at us if we were "being dumbasses with the power tools." The lunch was indescribably delicious. I even came on meatloaf day, but it was still heavenly. And that's coming from someone who doesn't believe in any kind of afterlife. The milk was fresh, and free of any chunks, globs, or strange odors, and the bags of chips that were free for all of us weren't past their expiration date. I was enjoying the luxuries of my new school like I was staying at a resort in Hawaii, which I've been to, multiple times over the years. But nothing compares to being accepted. Even if the school was terrible, and had unclean water, bad food, and teachers who didn't care, at least all the students were on the same page. But I couldn't even find a single problem with this school. Maybe it was just an off-day kind of situation, or there just isn't any kind of bullying. Any school can say that they have a zero tolerance policy on bullying, but how many actually follow through? Zara explained to me that the principal and the two counselors here don't fuck around, and even if they didn't care, this was such a safe and happy neighborhood that they wouldn't even have to step in if they wanted to.
I felt at peace here. My heart wasn't racing, I had plenty of time to get to my next classes, and I was already accepted into a friend group who wasn't bribed or told to by the teachers to hang out with me. They wanted to be around me, and that felt just amazing.
When the school day was coming to an end, and we were attending study hall, two drop-dead gorgeous girls sat right down on either side of me as I sketched in my notebook. I look up to the left of me, then the right, then the left again. The girl on the left was the girl I had seen this morning. The one that I now assume is either friend with Zara, or at least Liam, because of the way he was waiting for her outside of school. She smiles warmly at me and looks at my notebook, then back at me. She smelled like peppermint and roses. It was a strange combination, but it worked. She had on a dark blue sundress, and a very curved, but fit figure. "Lucian, right? Am I saying that right?"
"Yeah, yeah. T-that's me."
"How are you?" She asks, seeming genuinely interested. At first I thought I was being messed with, or she was being paid to talk to me.
"I'm good, I'm actually loving it here. I-I'm sorry, I haven't caught your name," I explain, realizing that I had seen her in a couple classes earlier today.
"I'm Cassidy, but you can call me Cass. I'm sitting over there with Liam and Donna if you wanna join us!"
I had just been sitting on the ground near a bookshelf, since we had our study hall in the library, and the group in here was so big. But some of the kids left early for a football game, so now there was room. I was too absorbed in my drawing to notice. I have started getting a bit better recently. I stand up, and Cass kindly offers to help me carry my things to the table. The girl on the right of me, who was definitely on the shy side stood up as well. Cass introduces her.
"And this is Amera. She actually transferred here not long before you did. Two weeks, if that. Right?"
Amera nods, swaying slightly in her dark boots and tights and an adorable checkered skirt and black hoodie. Her hair was short and brown, kind of similar to mine, but a bit longer. She had dark, gray-green eyes, and thick eyebrows. She smiles at me shyly, revealing her braces, with red bands.
"It's so nice to meet both of you! You're all so kind here," I say as we make our way to the table where Liam, Donna, Finn and another guy sat.
We end up quietly discussing the different genres of music we like, and our favorite artists. Everyone here seemed so creative. I was even almost persuaded into joining an art program for beginners. I would have to think about it. I could deny it, or convince myself otherwise if I really worked hard at it, but I'm willing to do anything that incorporates the thought of Sebastian into my daily life, so I don't forget him.When school is dismissed, and I make my way out to the lobby, I can already see Lora from out in the parking lot through one of the windows. She had her window rolled down, and she seemed to be listening to music and singing along. I go out to the parking area with Cass, Liam, Amera, Garret, and Sabine by my side. My aunt's face lights up when she realizes that I've already made friends.I say my goodbyes to my new friends, hoping the positive attention on me lasts more than one day. Lora hoped the same thing. "I would hate to jinx it, but does this mean..?"
"I love it here!" I fling my arms around my aunt after I've gotten in my seat and shut the car door.
"That's so great to hear, sweetie! Who are all your friends? They're welcome at the house whenever."
"Thanks. But, I don't know if it's just gonna be some fad that will wear off. You know, claim the new kid, drop him when a cooler one comes along?" I pulled out my phone finally, to answer all the messages of people who added my phone number today.
"Don't say things like that. You've been too hard on yourself," Lora finally says when my attention is back on her.
"I know."
"But, I do understand. It took me a long time when I switched schools to believe I was accepted, but after you have enough people on your side, it will be so much easier. I mean, look at you. You have people who like you here already, you didn't call me so I assume nothing bad happened, and you're finally being yourself."
I really appreciated everything Lora had to say. And I agreed with everything she said. She knows a lot more than me, and she's been through the same things I have, but I was able to move much further away, and not have to settle for the better of the two Hell holes in the area. As long as I know that I have people here who respect me, I should feel cared for, and loved. Still, the feeling of desperately wanting to be in Sebastian's arms sits in my mind back with all the other overwhelming thoughts and memories of the past 16 years of my life. Perhaps it's just the new perspective, and feeling confident that I will never turn back after this, but I was maybe, just possibly, truly miserable. Sure, I had a friend, and toward the end, two (not including Jesse, my on-and-off long distance best friend). I had a huge house, money, and I was happy on the surface most days. But hidden underneath were my suppressed feelings of feeling out of place and bottled up things I so badly wanted to tell Sebastian, my mom, my dad, Stefan... is a feeling of great despair. Memories of the day I first harmed myself come with every few flashbacks of my old home. It's a bittersweet feeling.
***When I get back home, in my new room, on my new bed, I let out a long exhale, as if I haven't taken a breath all day. All of the morning's worry, and bottled up feelings are let loose, and I feel confident that I will love it here. I had no homework assigned since it was my first day. Coincidentally, most of my classes were nearing unit exam days, so I could then participate in graded work. As long as I paid attention and took notes, I would be just fine for another week. When I turn on my phone, I'm surprised to see someone had messaged me on the app Jesse convinced me to download. Somebody who was already on my friends list. I opened the app, and the name on the screen read "66ys4vc."66ys4vc: "How was ur first day"
Me: "Good! Very good! So much different from my old school."
66ys4vc: "So glad to hear it"
Me: "I honestly can't tell if you are being sarcastic...
66ys4vc: "I'm sorry! I'm truly happy for you!!!"
Me: "Better. So, how was your day at school?"
66ys4vc: "I'm actually thinking about dropping out if I'm being completely honest..."
Me: "Really? Why's that?"
66ys4vc: "School just isn't for me. Why stay and learn information that is mainly pointless when you can legally drive at sixteen you know"
Me: "Ah, so I've found more information about you! You're 16?"
66ys4vc: "17"
Me: "So you're almost done. I guess I don't judge you. As long as you have a clear vision of what you want to do."
66ys4vc: "Sort of. All I know for sure is I don't wanna be stuck in this town, might renovate a van and travel and see new things"
Me: "That would be so cool! You seem really smart, and I honestly think you should do what you feel is right. You seem to know a lot about how life works."
66ys4vc: "I've lived much more than 17 years worth, that's for sure"
Me: "Haha. Well, I've got to get going. Gonna unwind and process everything that's happened in the past week."
66ys4vc: "I'm sure you'll adjust perfectly with time. Talk later?"
Me: "Of course! Oh, one more thing. Why won't you tell me your name? I'm even more curious today."
66ys4vc: "A name won't tell you anything more about me that you couldn't find out by getting to know me :)"
A little ominous of a response, I'd say.