Chapter 14
"Oh, nothing. Just Sebastian again," I mumble.
"You really loved him, huh?"
"Love? God, no. I mean, maybe?" I shake my head, looking back down at the ground.
"He's all you talk about, even if you try not to. He comes up in all of our conversations lately."
"I'm sorry, really. I'm just afraid."
"Afraid of what? I mean, I'm not mad you talk about him."
"Moving on, I mean. I've been talking to a guy, and I'm afraid I have feelings for him. He's like Sebastian in a lot of ways, but he actually wants to talk to me. Seb just stopped when I moved."
"Do you think he would have kept talking to you if you came out to him before you left?"
"Probably," I shrug. "It's too late now, though. I knew nothing bad would happen. He would support me, but something still stopped me every time."
Surprisingly, Cass didn't even bring up the stereotypical response to my dilemma. "The phone works both ways." Why he stopped talking to me is unclear, but for now, I'm certain that I'm better off not knowing than being disappointed by what could have happened. He could have moved on and forgot my name. It's just so hard to block him out of my mind.
"You never know for certain how someone will react, so I understand that it must have been scary, walking around with yourself right under that disguise. I'm sorry you and Sebastian aren't talking anymore. But you could tell him if you're feeling brave enough. It's not like you're talking every day. You live five hours apart. Just reach out."
"I've thought about it. I think about it every day," I mumble.
"Lucian? You're looking pale. Do you need to sit down?"
"No, no," I reassured her. "We're almost to my house." She follows along, having me hold onto her as I stumble along to the house. I don't know what is going on with me. Why the thought of Sebastian makes me physically ill. Like my body is trying to tell me that I have to contact him, even though I'm leaning toward no, and just skipping the heartbreak. I'd rather experience a small, empty period of time where I'm light-headed and dizzy than getting my heart broken again before I heal. "I mean, what even made me think he likes me in the first place? He could have been lying. Pretending. So why would I attempt to reach out, when the odds are already so slim?"
"But what if he does, Lucian? You have to call him."
"Cass, I can't. I'm sorry."
She helps me up to the deck of Lora's house. "Don't be sorry. Just, don't be stupid."
After Cassidy was introduced to my aunt, I showed her to my room. Lora lets me have privacy when my friends are over, which I appreciated. Even boys. My parents weren't that laid back.
Cass grabs my phone. I didn't bring it to school today because this was the first week I had to put in hard work, and I didn't need any distractions.
"What are you doing?"
Cassidy plops down on my bed like it's her own. She scrolls through it, looking through my contacts. She doesn't flinch when I sit down next to her. I was too interested in what she could be doing to try and take it away. Her face remained motionless for the most part, except for a small, mischievous glint in her bright eyes.
"What's his full name?"
"Why? You're not gonna text him, and neither am I."
"You're going to confess, or you're going to faint someday, and be quite literally lovesick if you don't get your feelings off your chest."
"Fine," I sigh, "then let me type it at least."
As soon as she handed me my phone, I saw closely that she had started typing:
"Sebastian (middle, last name), I am in love with you. You are making me sick and scaring the shit out of my friends. Don't leave me on a cliffhanger and just let me know h"
"Hm." I turn off my phone and fling it onto my bedside table. We spent the next half hour doing our homework for the day. It was a lot different than the stuff I learned at my old school, but I caught on quickly. When Cassidy left, I wasn't expecting Lora to be sitting down at the table, with two glasses of tea. We only ever had tea in the mornings.
"What's all this?"
"You've been acting like this all week. Is this new school not working for you?"
"No, no," I reassure her as I sit down across from her. "Everything's fine."
"Everything?" Lora raises an eyebrow at me.
"Just stuff at home. I'm still thinking about... him."
"Oh, Sebastian? Honey, you were separated from one of your best friends. Your childhood crush. It's okay to still think about him."
"No, I know. But, Cass thinks I'm in love with him," I laugh.
"You aren't in love with him? I'm sorry, I just thought-"
"I liked him, but he didn't even know who I was! I was a fraud back then, and if I contacted him now I'd just be able to add 'coward' to that list of everything I've done wrong when it comes to him."
"Honey, you're being dramatic. I know it won't be easy, but you have to do something. Even if you don't try and rekindle your friendship by coming out to him right away, you need to talk."
"Cassidy said I needed closure. But what if that just opens things up more? Like, he starts teasing me? Or never talks to me ever again?"
"But if you keep going like this, are you guaranteed he's going to talk to you this way? Either way, you won't know unless you pick a plan. Everyone has plans for something in their life to keep it in order."
I knew, as always, that Lora was right, and knew what she was talking about. That's why when we had gotten done talking, I sat down with my journal and wrote down a lot of steps. First, text him and ask how he is doing. Two, talk for a bit and find out if he's even available. Three, confess. My feelings, my identity, all of it. Four, I hope he doesn't block me.
But first, I had to take a shower. It was hot outside, and even the cold glass of sun tea didn't cool me down one bit. But once I had finished, and changed into a comfortable shirt and some shorts, it was time to relax in my bedroom before dinner.
I let my phone sit on my bed as I laid down next to it. I reached for my remote to turn on the television. I wanted so badly to put off talking to Sebastian again. But I just had to accept that everything Lora said was true, and if I wait even longer, the already subsiding chance of him ever understanding will grow less and less likely. So I finally picked up the phone, after staring at the television that wasn't even turned on for a few minutes. I take a deep breath, before opening my short list of contacts, and finding Sebastian. I was afraid of making a fool of myself still, but then I remembered the plan. Don't confess right away. Test the waters.
Me: "Hey. How have you been?"
He didn't respond for around eight minutes. When I hear my notification sound, I perk up and fling myself toward my phone. But when I turn it on, I see it's just Noa. We have been talking still, through text messaging. I wonder why she texted me right now. She usually waits until later at night.
Noa <3: "Can you call me?"
Me: "Of course. Give me five seconds."
Noa doesn't call me often. She hasn't called once since I moved here. Nobody has, really. Except for Amera. Noa was like a sister to me though, so I would drop everything to answer her call. I would choose her over my own mother, if she had even bothered to stay in touch after that horrific call my first day here.
"Hello?"
Nothing. Noa didn't say anything when I picked up the phone. It was dead silent in my room, and on her end, I could just hear her breathing. Then, there it is. A sniffle. "I miss you." Her words trailed off into a sob she had been holding in for the longest time, it seemed.
"I miss you too, Noa. Did something happen today?"
"No," she sighs. "I mean, yes. I realized that the spring dance is coming up. And I always go with you. I just miss you, Lucian. I miss being able to have you around to help me with my homework. Sending pictures to you and having your help isn't the same."
"So, you miss me helping you with history?" I tease.
"That's not it! I just miss you!"
Right now obviously wasn't the best time to be sarcastic. Which is strange, being I don't often understand sarcasm a lot myself. "I'm sorry. I know what you mean. I miss you just as much. But, I've been making some new friends, and trying new things. I think you should do the same."
She was silent for a long moment. I hope she realizes I'm not trying to get her to leave me behind as a friend. I just want her to be as happy as she can in a time like this.
"Have you talked to Sebastian recently?" That came out of nowhere.
"No, I haven't. Well, not until like, ten minutes ago."
"What did he say?" She nearly yells it. Why does she need to know, I thought.
"Nothing yet. Why? What's wrong?"
"He dropped out of school. As soon as you left, I swear, Lucian, he hasn't been doing well. I just found out last night. But he's been moved out for like a week."
"W-what? And, you don't know where he is?"
"He blocked me and Jackson. We found out from his mom, and he isn't talking to her."
"But, what if he's in danger? How do we know if-"
'I shouldn't have told you. You can't even do anything about it. I'm sorry. Just, try to put him behind you. Just in case."
"In case? In case of what, Noa? What the hell are you implying? Sebastian is a smart guy!"
"People get abducted every day. It happens!"
"Don't put that shit in my mind, Noa! God! I have enough to think about. I think I'm in love with him, and now you're saying he could be dead?"
"You're in love...?"
"Fuck. I- I don't know, really. We haven't talked since last month. But, I'm still thinking about him. I'm talking to someone new, and Sebastian is still who I envision when I talk to him."
Noa takes a deep breath, then apologizes. Her anxiety gets the best of her, bringing her mind to the worst conclusion, and worrying others. Of course Sebastian would be okay. He's always kind of dreamed of being a drifter. Living in a van or a car and traveling around, not being tethered anywhere. I always pictured him running a food truck. That traveled all over the country. "I'm sorry, again. I just got worried when he didn't even message you. But, who is this new guy?"
"Oh. Well, I don't know his name, okay? I know that sounds ba-"
"Scary? Pretty much," she laughs. "What do you mean you don't know? Does he go to your school?"
"I don't think so."
"What does he look like?"
"I... don't know," I admit hesitantly.
"What? Do you know where he lives?"
"No idea. Well, he lives in Nebraska."
"Okay, you're just messing with me, Lucian."
"No, really! I met him online actually. So, obviously, nothing is going to happen between us anyways. I just enjoy talking to him. Especially when I'm missing Seb.""Does he know much about you?""Yeah, actually. He knows what I look like, and basic things. You know. He doesn't know about my family, or anything too personal though. Don't worry, Noa. I can feel the overprotectiveness radiating from you through my phone."
"I just think it's odd, is all. The town you're in is pretty big. There's lots of people that are different like you, and one of the first people you latch onto probably isn't even from around here? What if he's an old, perverted man? Or an old perverted woman?""Shut up!" We laugh with each other as we catch up. I get an update on her moms, their cat, and Jackson. She had even stopped by a couple times to see how Stefan was doing. He didn't really want to talk to anyone, but I pointed out that his behavior was the same as usual. My dad would let her in. My mom has been staying with her friend, Gayle.
"And one more thing, Noa. About the dance. You don't have your eye on anyone?"
"Well, not really. I don't go out and talk to guys much." At a school with all girls, it's a shock we even had a dance. Many girls went in groups as friends, or would bring their boyfriends or a guy they were interested in from another school. Noa was no stranger to finding dates.
"You aren't talking to anyone?" I was honestly shocked.
"Believe it or not, I've been focusing more on school."
I was happy for Noa. Surprised, but happy. I knew that she could still find someone if she wanted to. But in the end, I knew she probably wouldn't even go to the dance, and there would be no changing her mind.
Before we end the call, I receive another notification. "Wait, I think that's Sebastian!"
As I open my messages app, which was one of many I had but the only I had ever chatted with him on, my heart sank as I read the red message that had popped up on my screen.
"This number is no longer able to receive messages from you."
"Noa. I think he blocked me," I say slowly.
***I sit down at the table, with my chicken strips and French fries. Lora got the good chicken strips from the store with the really good breading, and the thin cut fries that were seasoned perfectly."I hope you like it. I know it's not fancy."
"Oh, no, Lora. I love chicken. This is perfect, really. Thank you. Thank you for always making me meals, and taking care of me."
Lora sighs as she sits across from me. "You really don't know how to be impolite, ever, do you?"
"Is that a bad thing?"
"In most cases I guess not. But I have some questions, if you're ready."
I knew she was going to ask. I had been unusually quiet while she made dinner. Even after just texting Noa, I would share with her everything we talked about. I had to tell her about Sebastian. She knew I was going to text him, so I couldn't even lie. I couldn't even hide my disappointment, or the tears leaking from my eyes. "He blocked me."
Lora stays silent, wanting to give me time to get everything off my chest, but I didn't know what else to say. She finally spoke after taking a sip of her water. "Did you get to tell him how you felt, so he could have at least seen it?"
I shake my head. "No. I said 'hey,' and asked how he was. He didn't send me a single text. And, also, Noa called me. She never calls me."
"Oh, well, has she heard anything from him?"
Her tone remained hopeful, and that only made me feel worse, for both myself and for ruining any positive vibe in this room. "He dropped out of school, moved out, and blocked literally everyone."
"Well, certainly not his parents, right?"
"His mom and step-dad split up. So he was only talking to his mom anyways, but she couldn't get a hold of him."
"Honey, that sounds rough. I'm... I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say," she stammers.
"It's okay," I responded calmly, finally done crying. "I'm going to move on. I have new friends, and I'm going to be taking advanced classes. I may even join the choir, and the art program."
"Really?" Lora perks up, and a smile spreads across her face, with French fries still stuffed in her mouth. "That's amazing!"
"I've had so much fun just watching you. Singing and playing instruments. I want to have talent like you, and be able to do different things. My writing is fun. I'm pretty good in school, but I want to see... who else I can be."
Lora continued to praise me throughout dinner. For how strong I am, and smart. Brilliant, and talented. I knew deep down now that I deserved everything good she said about me. I'm starting to realize my worth. That makes this whole thing with Sebastian a bit easier. I don't have to make everything I do be about him. I can do it for me.
When we finished eating, Lora offered to do the dishes. I played with Sunny and Ray in my room for a bit as I watched a movie. I finally decided while spacing off, petting the belly of the orange cat on my bed that I would go for it. I grab my school computer and print out the choir and art program forms. I leave them on the coffee table in the living room, and the cats on the living room floor. I go back to my room to make one last decision. A harder one. I pick up my phone, and shakily find in my contacts Stefan's number.
The phone rings twice. Then he hangs up. I really just wanted to stay in touch with the family, or at least Stefan. He's my brother, and even if he doesn't understand, he knows I'm his brother, and he even said he wants to be closer with me. Maybe "someday" can start sooner. I called him again, and to my surprise, he actually answered.
"What do you want?"
"Oh. Hi. Are you busy right now?" I was taken aback greatly by how he spoke to me. We annoyed each other quite often, but he seemed genuinely upset. Like how I talk to mom.
"No, but I figured you were since you never call mom or dad."
"Yes, I do. I talk to dad like every day. Mom stopped talking to me." I knew I had no real excuse. But he has to understand everything I'm going through. Not personally, but at least know that I have been feeling isolated from my old life as I adjust to my new one.
"Mom told me what happened when I was in the car."
"What? Our fight? I thought you heard us."
"No," he responds coldly. "But she told me everything. You screamed at dad and cursed mom out!"
"What? No, that didn't happen! Not like that. Please, believe me. Mom doesn't support me. You know exactly how she feels about people like me."
"It's not mom's fault you turned out like this. You should have just stayed here."
"Stefan, I didn't like it there."
"Then you should have been normal!" He shouts, and I could tell that he was truly upset. Distressed.
"I really don't know why you can't just accept this. Dad does."
"I'm not dad, Tarah! Jesus, just listen to yourself. You're lying to yourself, and you'll always just be a girl. Mom explained it all to me the night you moved in with... him."
"Him? Lora? Wow, Stef," I sigh. "You're turning out just like mom. I can't believe you right now." I haven't heard my old name used in nearly a month. It stung. Especially coming from my brother. The day I moved, he told me that he would still love me. What happened to that? I know mom got to him. But I'm still just so pissed. He really listened to her. Mom probably lied about what happened. Lied and engraved into Stefan's brain her assumptions of transgender people. "I'm gonna be sick. You and Bianca make me sick."
"Why, because we don't support your delusions?"
"They're not delusions! This is who I am. And it's not that you don't understand. I don't expect everyone to get it. But even then I was able to make friends in a week, and I've been able to help people understand. You need to stop talking to mom. She doesn't even know what she's talking about!"
My brother stays quiet for a long while. When he finally does, I wasn't expecting him to be so quiet. "Whatever. I'm sorry, I just wanted a sister to grow up with. I wanted us to be close growing up, and be friends. But now you're not even my sister. I just don't understand. I've seen you wear dresses, and makeup. You had long, beautiful hair. Then you chopped it off, and you're changing."
"Oh. I know." I was really just... stunned. What do I say to that? Why am I about to cry?
"I'm sorry Tarah. I mean... I'm sorry.""Lucian. But, I don't expect you to remember every time. You don't have to speak of my name at all. I understand you're mad."
"Not mad, really. Just confused," he admits. I didn't even blame him. I guess I was just shocked that he was being vulnerable like this all of a sudden.
"Stef, we're all confused. Me leaving probably fucked things up more than they were. All I ask right now is we try to stay in touch. Mom won't even talk to me, so when you talk to her next, tell her I'm sorry for lashing out, and that I really do love her."
"Do you mind maybe explaining it to me? How did you know you were a boy?"
I break out into a massive smile, and the tears start flowing down my cheeks. "I'd love to. And, I love you. Okay?"
"I love you too, Lucian."
When we finally finished talking, I had a lot to think about, and consider. He asked me how I knew. When and how I picked my name. If I was going to get surgery. What it was like at school, and how they found out. Why I always presented feminine. A year ago, I probably couldn't answer most of these questions. But now I know.
I always knew that my brain felt wired differently. The girls around me just seemed different. Like, I just felt like a gender of my own. Like there was something nobody could see that was separating us. Then, I took an interest in things like video games, and cars, like the boys at my preschool did before I switched to an all girl school. I still enjoyed things like fashion, and princess movies, just like my friend Jesse, and he was a boy. I realized over time that there wasn't anything wrong with what I was interested in, and what I wear or what I like doesn't play into things like gender. They're just stereotypes. I tried hyper-feminizing myself so nobody would be able to notice, and I would be safe. But I never really felt like it was meant to be like that. I want to get surgery someday. Lora did, and she told me what it was like. She knew a lot about medical procedures, and even for guys, so she had informed me about those things. And I informed Stefan. He sat and listened. And he does respect me. This is just hard on him, but I understand.
***The next morning, Saturday, I get the chance to sleep in. So I didn't wake up until around 10:30. Lora was out at her favorite crystal shop, and left a note on the table for me. She loved collecting crystals. Lives for collecting them. She says they heal people. And they give off good energy, or protect people. I don't completely understand it, but that's okay. I love that she loves them. Plus, they're gorgeous. There's so many colors, shapes and sizes. Some sparkle and shimmer, and some are spikey, and some are even sculpted into animal shapes, and spheres. They make the house look beautiful. She has a few shelves in her music room, and they surround her living room and the dining room. But her bedroom has the most. She had planned on re-organizing them and cleaned up her shelves after she had purchased the newest additions to her collection she had had her eye on for months. Maybe there's one that could make someone fall in love with me. Or, make me forget about the person I love. One that brings people closer?I couldn't stand to even look at myself in the mirror this morning. I'm much happier now, but that doesn't mean I don't have moments like these. The dysphoria got worse as I got older. At first I felt guilty for not wanting to bind my chest for every moment of every day, but I know that no matter how I present myself, that doesn't make me any less of a guy. I needed it today, though. I washed and blow dried my hair, but my bangs would not cooperate with me today. I then made the impulsive decision to trim off more from the back. It was now just above my shoulders. I fix my hair up using the mirror and the camera on my phone. Once I'm satisfied, I put on my binder, then get distracted by my phone.
There I am, sitting on the bed with shorter hair than she remembered, and no shirt on as Lora walked into my bedroom. "Hm? What are you all smiling about?"
"Oh. Hey, Lora! Don't be mad, but I cut my hair some more." I got up to show her the back better. She looked as though she wanted to yell, just a bit.
"You know, I want to be a good parental figure for you, and give you discipline, but your hair looks fucking amazing. Just, don't cut your hair every time you just feel like it, or you're upset."
"I know, I know. Here." I grabbed the scissors I used and handed them to her. "You can lock them up in your bedroom."
We both share a laugh. Everything, every little interaction, or dialogue we had never ever ended in a fight. We never screamed or stormed off. Lora communicates better than my mom or dad ever have.
I take a look back at my phone after I've thrown on a shirt and Lora has left.
66ys4vc: "Are you still there"
Me: "Yeah, sorry! Aunt walked in."
66ys4vc: "Oh good. I actually have a question..."
Me: "What's up?"
66ys4vc: "Well we never actually said where we live, right?"
Me: "I don't even know your name, haha"
66ys4vc: "True. You can send your location through this app. It gives the general location of where you are then I can see how close I am. I'm just curious"
Me: "Tell me your name. Then I'll send my location"
He didn't respond after that. Did I upset him?
I didn't have much time to think about it. Lora knocked on my door shortly after the awkward interaction, and asked if I would still help her organize crystals. I leap up from my bed, happy to have a distraction for a while. After an hour or so, I realized it was going to take a lot longer than I expected. We had only gotten through the living room shelves.
We took a snack break after that. I take a bite into my turkey sandwich, then remember my phone in my bedroom. I get up, and rush into my room while still chewing. I wanted to see if that mystery person had messaged me. When I sat back down, Lora stared at me, obviously being able to tell I was talking to someone. But she stayed silent as I opened my messages.
66ys4vc: "I promise you, Lucian, names mean nothing. I promise, if we live close enough to meet up, I'll tell you there"
Me: "I haven't known you that long, but I know you well enough to know that that's not true."
66ys4vc: "Ha, probably. Well, are you going to share your location?"
Me: "Fine, I suppose. :)"
Because of the strict verification process on the app, I knew he wasn't an old man, or a creepy stalker. Most likely. Besides, the app only shared the general area of your location. This maybe wasn't the smartest idea, but I feel like I can trust him, so I sent my location.
66ys4vc: "Wow. That's really interesting."
Me: "Hm?"
66ys4vc: "I'm actually moving there. Shortly. To buy a house in the neighborhood."
Me: "What?? Aren't you just a teen, like me?"
66ys4vc: "Yes, I'm 17, remember"
Me: "Yeah, but you're already moving out?"
66ys4vc: "Got emancipated. Moving around a lot, but figured I would settle down somewhere shortly after because I want to at least have a stable job, you know?"
Me: "I get that. But, you're seriously moving here? You're not lying, are you??"
66ys4vc: "No, really! I mean, knowing you would be in the neighborhood seals the deal though"
Me: "Okay, this is already huge, but please. I need to know your name!"
66ys4vc: "I'm scared, I'm sorry"
Me: "What? Why? If names don't mean much to you, what's the big deal with just telling me?"
66ys4vc: "I don't think you would like me if you knew my name"
Me: "OMG what does that even mean?"
After that, for the next two weeks, no response.