Chapter 18

"Remind me, kiddo. Do I have to drive past main street to get there?""No, Dad," I reply as I switch my phone to my other hand to clean up the mess of dirty clothes on my bedroom floor. "We live more outside of town. There's only three other houses. We're the gray and white one, remember?""Got it. See you in a few. Love you.""Yep, love you." I hang up the phone, throw it onto my bed, and slide onto the floor. Dad hasn't seen me since I moved. He's finally gotten his drinking under control. He's been sober for two months and two weeks. I didn't even reach out to him, requesting he come to visit until the middle of May. It's now June first. Summer break started only six days ago, and after finding out my now closest friend, Zahara, would be out of town for a week, I asked my dad if he could come stay for a few nights. It kind of broke my heart, hearing him say how much he had been looking forward to me asking. I should have learned this lesson with Sebastian, but after this I knew I just needed to forget what I might assume. People may be pissed at me. They may still be in love with me, but block me because they're scared. People may want to reach out, but they're shy. Or don't know how I feel. I'm shy, and scared, missing my dad, and most definitely in love. I can't keep doing this to my relationships. The phone does work both ways. And in most scenarios I've been in, so does insecurity.My dad thought Mom had soured me against him after he moved out of the house. But Stefan and I both know that mom has a way of manipulating situations and controlling her children, as punishment for leaving her. And obviously, my father should have known. We all should have known. But it's better late he's visiting than never.Cleaning up my room, and having over five hours to do so, I had a lot of time to think about how things were, back when Mom and Dad were together. Since I started talking to Penelope, my therapist, she has been helping me realize that maybe me being how I am pushed my mom over the edge, but that's the best thing that could have happened in this situation. Penelope told me I did nothing wrong. And I finally believe her. I finally see things coming together. Just because my family wasn't the best environment doesn't mean I'm doomed to turn out the same with my future relationships. When I moved, I was saved. When my mom and dad got divorced, my dad was saved. I was saved, and Stefan was saved. My mom wasn't right for my dad, and as painful as it was to admit it, it really did help me see things more clearly. I have every right to be myself, and if a supportive family isn't for my mom, then my mom isn't the right kind of person we need to be around anymore.Besides family, Penelope and I talk about Noa. A lot. She kept me there, on this Earth, not just at my old school, because she was the one positive. I loved her. I still love her. She's always going to be my best friend in that sense, but I can't help but feel guilty. Like I'm replacing her. Sure, Noa has a boyfriend now. She has a couple new friends, and I have been talking to Sebastian every day, now that he lives here. I have a decently sized friend group, and all of these changes are great for my mental health, but thinking about the possibility of hurting Noa if she knew how well I was really doing would set me back by at least a year of therapy sessions. And I've only been going for a month.So, yeah, I'm still overcoming a bit of mixed emotions, depression, guilt, and anxiety, but I have much more hope for my future than I probably ever had in my life. Moving here was the best choice I've ever made. Today, I'm cleaning my entire room, even though it wasn't very messy to begin with, because I'm anxious for today. I know that no matter what, this is my home now. But I'm now slightly afraid of this new world and my old world colliding, and making a huge mess of my life like it almost did only weeks ago.A loud knock on the front door was able to be heard from my room, and it startled me. I nearly jump, and stand up straight and fix my shirt, which had some cookie crumbs on it from my snack earlier. I recognized my dad's loud knock. Lora and I meet up in the living room at the same time to let him in. I take one step back, signaling to Lora she'd better open the door. Only, as she did, I could see out of the corner of my eye a smile spreading wide across her face."Oh, what a nice surprise! Hello, dear! Come in, come in! I have plenty of drinks in the fridge, and a fresh loaf of banana bread in the dining area."My eyes remain in a paralyzed state of nervousness, and my hands still tremble slightly. A sense of warmth, comfort, and even more nervousness piled on top. "S-Stef! I didn't know you were coming!" I still manage to throw my arms around him and smile as I look up behind him at my dad, still waiting for his hug.Lora leads us all inside, and as I stay quiet and still shocked that my brother came with, I realize just how weird it is not seeing my mom. All this time I wanted her to just leave. Leave us, so I can be comfortable with myself. But this is oddly unsettling now. I even had to stop myself from opening up my mouth and asking if mom was waiting in the car. But we all knew at this point that mom was with a man named Jonathan, trying to piece her life back together and burdening him now. Right now, I'm still silent. Right now, I'm trying to figure out if I want to be sad for a bit longer, or just be bitter. I didn't take much time to process any feelings of sadness, which Penelope pointed out to me even during our first session."So, how's school, kiddo?" My dad takes a seat next to me on the couch, and throws his arm around my shoulder.I smile slightly as I stare blankly, still not fully tuned in to anything happening around me. I don't even remember a time I smiled so fake. "It's going really well, actually. Yeah, I picked things up fast. Got good final grades. My last day was a week ago.""Can I assume you're back to your old self? Straight A's?""Y-yeah, dad. Yeah. And, I made some friends, too. I joined the choir, and started taking after school art classes," I smile. I notice myself starting to feel comfortable speaking about myself. Not really talking about formalities, like how the weather is, or anything too deep or complicated. In other words, what's really on my mind: Hey, do you miss mom? Have you met the jackass she's with now? Have you moved on, or are you still recovering from the alcohol addiction that she caused you to have in the first place? My mind remains teetering between playing nice, being bitter, or being sad and processing those feelings of sadness that I never got to process before as my dad replies with a generic "dad response."Stefan straightens up his posture and pats his lap, trying to get one of the cats to sit with him. "Do they all call you Lucian at school, then?""Yeah, they do," I reply, looking across the room at the entertainment stand the television sat on.

"You know, I think it's great that you're happy here. that you have Lora, and these new friends. I don't mean to bring things down, but do you miss Noa?"

"Of course I do," I responded to my dad. "We still talk, but I do miss hanging out in person. And I missed you guys.""We missed you too, kiddo. I promise, now that Stef and I are getting our shit together without mom, we're gonna visit more. We love you, and I'm sorry you kids had to get caught up in the middle of the drama with your mom and I.""So, can I ask, do you two miss mom? Like, really miss her? I mean, I don't want to sound like a huge jerk.""No, no, you don't. I think we should all talk about our feelings before they get too bottled up," my dad encourages."I just want to know. Because, I never really had the best... feelings toward her. Since I started talking to people, I realized just how dark things were some days. It just really changed my whole perspective.""Honey, we don't blame you for feeling that way. Right, Stef? We know you had it rough, being transgender. And though we all have to forgive her, we in this family all think she was being unfair. And we fully support you.""Thanks, dad," I replied. I make my way out to the kitchen to prepare a plate of banana bread for all of us so I have a moment to compose myself. I blink rapidly the whole way to the dining room to keep from crying. This is a happy day. This is the start of our new and improved family.I haven't even cut into the loaf of banana bread before Stefan appears behind me, being suspiciously quiet. Without saying a word, respecting his silence, I handed him the knife to cut it. He carefully and evenly cuts the entire thing, breathing steadily, and then sets the knife down. He finally turns to face me, and looks into my glossy eyes. His dark eyes were filled with tears, just like mine. Do I give up? Do I cry with him? Or will we both blink rapidly and suppress our feelings together like we used to do as kids?Fully expecting him to laugh about how stupid this was, I grab a large plate and transfer the slices of the bread to it. But my brother grabs onto my arm, and guides my hands to set it down. "You can cry. It's okay. Dad cried half the way here."I inhale sharply, before finally exhaling in relief, letting my tears fall. My quiet sobs continue as he speaks, trying to hold it together for me. "The men in this family aren't expected to cry. I wasn't expected to feel anything growing up. With mom around, it was like... a prison. She was the security guard, making sure none of us stray away from the path she wanted. Can't leave the jail cell that was our home. Because we'd be infected.""Stef, you weren't infected though. I was.""No, Lucian. No. You're different, and you're my brother. I noticed those small things, but at the time, I was taught to believe that what mom thought was what I had to think too. But now I want to be nothing like her after what she did to you," he replies, finally letting a single tear fall down his face."But we still have to forgive her. Move on, and accept that she's our mom. She wanted what was best for us!""Maybe she did, but she didn't go about it right. I'm sorry I was such a dick growing up," he apologizes. "I wanted to be loved by her. I wanted to be the favorite, and... we just ganged up on you.""No, Stef, don't say that," I sob. "You did nothing wrong. You didn't know better. We can blame mom, or we can just accept that this was how we were raised. And we can only fix it now. Love each other now."Stefan throws his arms around me in the biggest hug he's probably ever given me. "I love you. And I love that you're happy now. Or, figuring things out. You're going to do amazing things. And, I don't deserve it, but I want to be in your life more. We were supposed to be best friends."

"We are. And, I'm gonna text you everyday now. Call you and dad twice a week. And when I graduate, I'll be back. I'll go wherever you are, and visit. Mom didn't destroy us. We just had a shitty start," I explain, wiping the tears from my cheeks, hoping I was making any sense right now.

"Thank you, for being so positive about this.""Hm? What do you mean? I'm a fucking wreck," I laugh."But you're getting help! Going to therapy, and making friends, and trying new things. You didn't let mom and dad's divorce keep you from going to school for nearly two months. I just went back recently.""W-what? Really? Stef, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Do you need any help? I'm always here to talk to-""I know that now, I know. I'll get there. You inspire me, Lucian." Stefan finally lets go of me, and that's when I finally realized that we had been hugging that whole time. It was a strange feeling, especially when we both looked at each other and froze. Making the same realization. We make our way back out to the living room with the banana bread, fully expecting Lora and our dad to question what took us so long. But instead, they were both on the couch, shoving each other playfully, while Sunny and Ray do their best to not get caught in the middle, one on Dad's lap, and one on Lora's. It was like they were both kids again. Connecting like they never actually did growing up. Kind of like me and Stefan.Lora decided to take me out to dinner later that night, after they left. The plan was originally to stay a couple nights, but my dad had to cover a shift at his job at a shoe store tomorrow for a co-worker that was sick. She wanted to treat me to my favorite fancy restaurant for handling everything so well. I think we both expected me to break down when I saw my brother there, but not my mom. But the truth is, I'm completely okay. My brother helped me a lot in just the span of ten minutes, being there to talk out our feelings together. I have no reason to be bitter, when mom leaving really just opened up an opportunity for things to change. For everyone in the family.Lora and I sit across from each other in a small booth in the corner of the dim side of the restaurant, lit with candles on the table. There were a lot of couples here. And Lora suggested that she just drop me off here and invite Sebastian, but we really haven't talked as much since I helped him move into his new house. We text, and send selfies to each other every day, and talk until nearly two in the morning most of the time, but it was obvious after that night at the hotel that we needed to just regroup, and find out what we wanted. I was only worried about him finding someone else that asks him out before he can even make a decision."I don't understand, though. You both love each other. You want to see if there's other people out there for you?""No, no. Not exactly. That's just what I'm afraid of. You've seen him. He gets asked out all the time," I reply, expressing my concerns."And each time, he says no. He wants you," my aunt argues."We just want to see if our dynamic has changed now that he's moved. That's all. I actually... have been thinking of ways to ask him out officially, though."I wanted to take him to the zoo. As a nice little date. As close friends in a talking-stage. It meant a lot to us, places like that. We had one of our most deep and meaningful talks at the zoo, before I left. And even as middle schoolers, when we met, that's how we bonded for the first time, even before we became friends. But a part of me worries it would bring back some... odd feelings. Sad ones. Make him think of how bad he felt when I had to leave, and we pretended everything was perfectly fine.Sure, they're fine now. We've reconnected. That day I ask him out will change everything, and go in the direction I wanted since that Thanksgiving dinner. But maybe that means we can have a fresh start, in a way? Taking him to a nice restaurant like this one would be nice. But he's never been too formal. The park? Where we reunited? I'm definitely not asking him over text. That was always Noa's go-to."What are you gonna have, hon?""Hm? Probably the broccoli alfredo.""Should have guessed," she laughs. "It's always been your favorite. I should make it at home for you sometime.""I suppose it would be cheaper that way. You know, I can help pay," I offer."No, no, no. I wanted to treat you tonight. You can pitch in next time.""Fine," I sigh with a smile. "I know better than to argue."Lora orders a steak for herself, and I order my food. I take a sip of my sweet tea with lemon and look out to the right of me. There's a large window, looking out on the massive, beautiful flower garden, which had nearly every flower found in this area. Any flower you could think of. It was a beautiful rainbow of colors to admire while you ate. There was even a small pond, with a fountain of water flowing down the rocks into it, and a bridge going across it, where kids would sometimes get their picture taken. There were small benches next to two large, bright yellow-ey green trees. Some of the surrounding bushes had tiny little white flowers growing on them as well. Just looking out the window, forgetting the fact I'm one of the few people here not having a romantic date with their boyfriend or girlfriend was honestly just fine. Until that day, I have Lora, who surprisingly gives amazing dating advice, for only having been in two in her whole life. She never intended on getting married. Not because she couldn't find anyone to marry, but simply because she believes that making those small compromises throughout a relationship as both people change as they grow just isn't worth it. She tells me that "life is too short to change your path, even just slightly for someone else. If someone's found the right person, there will be no such thing as a 'compromise,' but only agreeing to be different. But I never saw myself taking all that time finding that person." It's understandable. Maybe the "easy" decision at first glance, but I'm sixteen and already know that nothing in life is easy to go through. Only one decision with more effort required. We all have our miserable days and our perfect ones."Of course I respect you for not wanting to go through... you know, potential heartbreak with someone. But don't you ever wish you had someone who slept in the same bed as you? Made you breakfast, and supported you? Like, a husband?""Oh, come on, Lucian," Lora laughs. "You're not really serious, are you? I'm a complete bed hog, I have many friends and people in the family who support me when I'm down, and you have to admit, I'm a damn good cook.""True, true," I agree. "I don't know. I've just been worried lately, don't mind me.""Oh, about Sebastian? Honey, a relationship just isn't something I'm interested in. That doesn't mean I don't believe in soulmates, and finding that person you want to marry. Romance is a beautiful thing. I just prefer to find soulmates and closeness in my friends and family. And, well, my cats."I smile when I look back up from the table, not only because of Lora's comforting words that always seem to help me, and guide me in the right place, but because our food was on the way. The young lady with long black braids serves us our plates of hot food."Anything else I can get you two?""That should be all for now, thank you, hon," my aunt replies.I wait for the girl to turn the corner before taking out my fork and digging into the hot pasta, burning my lips immediately."I know you're judging," I mumble and laugh as I still have the hot noodles in my mouth, "but I'm starving. Leave me alone.""No judgment," Lora smirks as she sees how ridiculous I look right now. "Oh, boy, Sebastian is one lucky man.""Shhh!" I tease.I'm the lucky one, though. This man truly loves me. It's evident in every move he makes, and every look he gives me. He always puts people first, but when I'm there, I'm always his very top priority. I don't even think I deserve it. I don't deserve him. He moved five hours away from home. He could have moved anywhere, as long as he got away. But he chose here, with me. He's quite good at pretending to be a people-person, but I know that he would rather be traveling, painting, cooking, for a living. What is he gonna do here? What if I just distract him? What if I'm no good for him?"Lucian. I can see it on your face. Would you quit overthinking?""Huh? No I'm not! I promise! I'm just... tired.""Then maybe you should get to bed earlier," she points out, clearing her throat. She obviously hears me on the phone talking to Sebastian late at night."But why? Do we really need sleep? I think I'm good without it," I joke."Honey, your whole life revolves around him at this point. You should just ask him out already," Lora suggests between bites of steak."I don't know if I should yet," I sigh. "It still might be too soon.""Then just try, and if he rejects you, wait a bit, and ask again!""Oh, yeah, and just keep going until he says yes?""Yes!"I sarcastically roll my eyes. You know I love you, but that's one piece of advice you should know I will not be taking.The rest of our meal was mainly silent once it cooled down enough, with a few comments about how good the food was sprinkled in every now and then. Once we had both had enough though, the food must have really done something. Helped me think clearly. I couldn't tell Lora I hadn't eaten much besides a piece of banana bread earlier today, but I was sure she noticed just by the first bite of noodles I took."Do you think it would be 'too much' if I asked him out here?"Lora perks up, and straightens her posture, fully invested in my love life once again. "I don't know. Would he like the food here? Does he... like being asked out in restaurants?""I don't know," I reply in a frustrated tone. "We don't do big gestures.""Lucian, he moved all this way for you. That's not big to you?""You know what I mean, though. He's more... casual. Maybe if we just went to the park, or on a walk. The next time I see him, and we're alone, and just ask him then. You know?""Well it seems like you do know what you want then. Go with that.""Y-yeah, but..." I trail off, realizing she's got a point."Don't feel pressured to 'do relationships' like everyone else. Everyone is different, and the unexpected is what's most beautiful about it." As always, my aunt was right. And as always, she tipped a much larger amount than necessary, and would not let me pitch in when paying. But I knew better than to question her, so I spent the entire ride home texting Sebastian.Me: "Wanna hang out tomorrow?"And it wasn't until the next morning that he got back to me, which was unusual for him.Sebastian: "Sorry, can't. Sisters are spending the week with me"***Sebastian was busy the whole week spending time with Chloe and Ana. I thought it was quite nice, and surprising even. His relationship with his mom was complicated, to say the least. But he and his sisters always remained close. I think him and his mom were closest after his father passed away, but then, once she started putting herself back out there, their relationship was strained. If it ever came to it, I would never raise my child bringing in a new dad every other week. Having my kid get close to him before tearing him away from them, never to be seen again.I think that Sebastian and I both have a complicated history with relationships, and not from our own experiences. Just from our parents, who try their hardest to set a good example. Every parent wants their kid to turn out better than they ever were, so I think it would just be easier for most parents to warn their kids to use them as an example for what not to do. In many ways, I'm thankful for my parents. They allowed me freedom, for the most part, they stayed together for the first sixteen years of my life, and made sure I had a house to live in and food to eat. The basics are covered for a lot of people, but the hardest part is growing up, with people and things changing around you that they can't even control. My bullying and not being able to be myself caused me to be depressed. Me being depressed turned into paranoia. Paranoia turned into me snooping, and finding that my parents just weren't happy together.Sometimes, I wonder if any family is truly perfect. Or if all families are cursed, or doomed in one way or another. While my parents tried their best to stay together, Sebastian's mom went hopping around from one man to the next. Until she thought she found the right one. Then, boom, they're divorced. My parents fought, almost always because of me. Then, boom, they're getting divorced. Does this mean we are destined to be together, both traumatized by our parent's history, or are we another cog in the machine of failed relationships?I'm trying my best not to think about it as I walk to Amera's house. It's surprisingly cool outside, compared to the rest of the week. I left the house at 5:30. so I could be at Amera's house for movie night with our other friends around 5:45, which gives us enough time to gather snacks and talk for a bit. Starting at 6:00, we would watch a movie. A family one that we can watch with Amera's younger brother and sister, Oliver and Gwen. Then, around 8:00, we can watch a couple horror movies. Her parents are hardly ever home, so there was no rule against having friends over for the night if they weren't there.I excitedly knock on the front door, with a bag full of sour gummies, licorice, and miniature bags of chips to snack on. Vera answers the door, allowing me to step inside. The door led straight into the living room, where everyone was either already eating, or playing on their phones. Finn and Liam were playing one of their favorite racing games against each other, Finn was coloring in a princess coloring book with Oliver, and Gwen, Sabine, Zara, and Cass were watching videos on Zara's phone. I look around curiously for Amera. She then appears out of the kitchen a moment later with Jazmin, who was carrying a fresh pan of peanut butter and chocolate brownies. The two little ones scramble to meet Jazmin halfway to the living room to try and steal the brownies."Get your little crusty hands away, you'll each get one," Jazmin exclaims as she tries to make it to the coffee table where our other snacks were without getting tripped.The brownies actually looked damn good. And I've actually been proud of myself for getting my appetite back. I swore to Lora I'd be fine without returning to therapy after my last visit, after only a month of going. Yeah, I only had nine or ten visits, but I think a large part of what was holding me back from being happy was trying not to think about my past. But it did happen, and especially after last week, when I spoke to my brother, he helped me realize that we all have those times where we just don't feel happy. Or anything like ourselves. And I keep telling myself it was just one of those moments. Just a fluke. And if it ever turned out not to be, I can return to therapy. But between finally accepting my past, and being on medication, I'm confident I'll be okay. Even though I am always welcome to come in and schedule appointments when needed, and am probably going to still come in for monthly check-ins. I am doing this on my own for myself, though. I have to be okay."Alright, everyone gather!" Amera turns off the big light in the living room and presses play on the first movie. A family movie that was honestly kind of boring. Gwen and Oliver seemed to love it though, and Finn also seemed quite interested. But he was like a little toddler in a teenager's body. The rest of us older kids just played games on our phones, or goofed off and ate snacks. Cass tried getting Liam to catch popcorn in his mouth. I tried the same, and didn't catch anything. Zara laughed, teasingly claiming she felt sad for me, and handed me the giant, buttery... intimidating bucket of popcorn.Ever since I started binding my chest, and paid attention to how people saw me, I struggled accepting how I looked. I never used to care. I thought I was skinny, and beautiful. But I can be masculine if I wanted to. I can wear what I want, and be happy. What people thought about me didn't matter. But after a while, I started to pay attention to every little thing I ate. And I started thinking the worst. What if every little thing that I eat contributes to those disgusting, horrible flaws that make people dislike me? That made people avoid me at my old school? That made me unable to pass as a guy? Whenever I would remember those thoughts, I would stop eating. I wouldn't eat for the rest of the day. Then, that turned into not only working out when I woke up from a nightmare where I was eighty times my size at two in the morning, but skipping meals for days in a row. Surviving on gum, vitamin gummies, and little candies they would give out at school for us getting 100% on our tests or quizzes. After I moved, I thought I would just forget about those thoughts. But they only grew louder. They came in shorter bursts, but were still hurting me. Then every single time I looked in the mirror, I thought I looked fatter. Uglier.I push the massive bowl of popcorn off of my lap, and hand it back to Zara. She immediately stops in the middle of her laughing, and I think Cass had the same expression as Zara did in that moment. A look of concern. A raised eyebrow, hesitating on speaking up, not wanting to make a big deal if it was nothing. But soon, everyone looked up. Whether or not it started as it, it's a thing now. A thing that wanted to interfere with my great night with my friends and set me back a month in therapy sessions.I excuse myself, simply stating that I needed to use the bathroom. Nobody said a word. Everyone was frozen, except for Oliver and Gwen, who were still coloring and chatting quietly. I ran to the bathroom as soon as I turned the corner, and was out of sight. No, no. Eat, god damn it. Go back out there and forget how I look. But I couldn't resist looking in the mirror.This red, cropped hoodie with my school's name on it jutted out, and even though my stomach was showing, it made me look so much fatter for no reason. My black pants squeezed in my lower belly fat in all the wrong ways, making my pants look sizes too tight for my waist. My hair seemed to frizz up as I became more upset. Every second I stood looking at myself in the mirror, I turned uglier, and uglier. Until I was a monster again. A crying, whimpering, shaking, hopeless, melancholy monster. The same one I used to be before I moved here. Only now, I feel twice as bad, because I've already been down this road before, and circled back just as I thought I was finding my way out. Sebastian would call me a tiger. Say that every scar, internally or externally was just one of my unique markings that nobody else had. They make up who I am, and who I am is more than enough for him. But I'm not good enough for myself.I'm strong, I'm brave, and I make it through the worst days, but every time, I get wounded. I just wonder how many more times I will get hurt by myself before I see myself like everyone else who hasn't given up on me does.Do I call Lora? Do I go back out there, and pretend that nothing happened? They aren't gonna be able to fix me in one night, so it's pointless telling them. If I call Lora, she can at least listen. But I'm staying here. I'm strong enough to handle a full night. And she always listens to me, and doesn't judge me.I did it eventually. I called Lora. It was a quick, six minute call, just explaining to her how hard it was for me to eat today. I tell her that I feel like I just relapsed. But she told me what she always tells me: "I trusted you when you said tons of therapy appointments weren't for you. I love that you talk to me about these things. I can't fix you, but you don't even need fixing anyways. You need support. Just take a deep breath, and remember that you have a support system." And she was right, like she always is, any time I am ever in trouble. She hasn't steered me wrong once yet. After making plenty of new realizations about myself during therapy, I realized it was in fact nice to talk to someone about my feelings who is unbiased. But talking to someone that knows me as their nephew, or their friend is also something that has been incredibly helpful to me. I know that they have my back. They aren't trying to fix me, and put me on medication, which puts the pressure off of me to fix these hard emotions and feelings I'm having, because they are all natural in healing, and what works best for me may be different than another person. But it's best for me personally to take the pressure off, and use the ability to talk to people who care about me to my advantage, and let them help me, every step of the way. Even when it feels like I'm stepping backward.Crisis... sort of avoided. A big breakdown was most definitely avoided, that's for sure. I came out of the bathroom, and as I expected, everyone's eyes were on me. Finn looks up at me with wide, concerned eyes. Ones that stood out more than anyone else's. Probably because he knows most about what it's like to be me. "Is everything alright? We just wanna make sure.""Yeah, yeah." I nod somewhat confidently. "I just had a... slip up.""Oh? What kind of 'slip up?' Do you need anything?" Zara tilts her head to the side, curious about what she may have done. I come sit down right next to her on the couch, where I was before.

I look around the room, making sure Amera's little siblings aren't listening. Sure enough, they were off in their own world. "I've been having some trouble eating again. I just got kind of scared."

"Oh, well, that's alright!" Liam grins encouragingly. "If there's something specific you're craving that isn't here, we can go find something at the store! Or, make something here. No pressure, no rush.""Yeah," Sabine chimes in, "and, I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say that you are absolutely perfect the way you are! Even during your rough days.""You're a great friend, and you're beautiful in every way. You not only deserve it, but in order to be healthy, you need to eat. Nobody here is judging you," Zara says in a soft, comforting voice."Thanks, guys. I really do love you all," I responded tearfully.That night, I ate a brownie, a salad I made from fresh vegetables in Amera's kitchen, and some popcorn later that night before bed. Finn made sure I was drinking water, and they all made sure I was enjoying myself.