Chapter 19

The rest of the year that started off with an awkward kiss that made my crush/situation-ship eighty bucks was about to come to an end. I finished the first semester of the 10th grade, something I didn't think I would live to see just at the beginning of the year. I grew, the family changed, and I was left with some clarity, but also a decision that could either go painfully uneventful in the end, or something that could change my life forever if I went through with it. That's really all I have to say for now. June, the first month of summer break dragged on slower than it ever has before, except perhaps that first time we didn't visit Arizona after Jesse moved away. I figured that by July, Jesse would definitely visit me. But July was almost over when I finally came out and said it. Of course, I had been hinting nearly every time we called. I knew that he was very busy, taking extra summer classes so he can earn enough credits to graduate early. I wanted to respect him and his time, and he should have known that it would take him offering first to make anything happen. Then, that's when I started overthinking. At the end of July. Worried that he just didn't want to spend time with me. The rest of July was actually quite enjoyable, however. I set off fireworks for Independence Day with all my friends at Sabine's house. Lora and I went on picnics once a week, and I started selling my artwork at farmer's markets while Lora would sell fresh fruits and vegetables from her garden. I finally started making online content again. All of my posts were short, personal stories, and relatable thoughts and advice. There was something so freeing about being able to share so much about myself without putting myself in danger, and nobody seeing me. They could know me, but still not know me at the same time. In a month, I gained close to 200 followers. Of course, I'm aware that's not a lot compared to a lot of other influencers, gamers, and content creators out there, but it made me happy. I couldn't care less how many people saw me. What mattered was that I was spreading advice, and love, and sharing my experience with others, in hopes of making them better, stronger, hopeful people. I think it should be everyone's goal to end up being someone they wish they had around growing up. I decided that after high school, I wanted to be a journalist, like Ashe. It just kind of came to me while I was on a walk. "I could write for news articles. Magazines. Perhaps even medical research." Imagine getting paid to write for those little magazines sitting in the waiting room of hospitals. I always thought it would be fun to write my own book, or magazine. Make my own website. Have my own company. Have one thing I created. One thing of my own that helps people learn about things like illness. Things they think is wrong with them. Mental health. A book about it, even. Anything promoting taking care of your mental health. "I... I think that's what I want." And that's how I decided what I wanted to do. What I have to do. By August, Jesse and I had sorted things out. He promised to visit during Christmas break, and we had already made plans and marked the days he would be staying here on our calendar the same day. Sure, I wanted to hang out with him this summer. I was really disappointed at first. But at least I know where he is. I know I can always text or call him. As for the rest of my friends and family, well, it's been pretty strange. Noa went to Australia with the rest of her family, and two of her cousins. They traveled other places after, including Hawaii, France, and Ireland. So she didn't really have time for me. But that thankfully wasn't the same for my dad. Him and Stefan Visited a total of four times all summer. Each time, they would stay two nights. Lora would take us all out to eat, and then the next day, we would watch a bunch of terrible old movies that we could make fun of. Mom never visited once. She barely even stayed in touch wish Stefan. My dad was furious, after he was able to control his sadness, and quit taking out his frustration on day drinking and binge eating. I was proud of him. I think that from now on, I'll never even be able to tell him that enough, though. Even when we are laughing, and having fun, I can still always see that tiny hint of sadness in his eyes. That hopeless feeling. Like he failed his two kids by not being able to get mom to stay. But it still showed even when he was disappointed with himself that he was happy with the world in many ways. He would remind us kids that he was blessed to have us. Started treating us with more respect and kindness than he ever had when mom was still in the picture. It wasn't until this summer I realized just how much control my mother had over him. But in the end, I'm happy, in the same way dad is. Yes, reality has been sad. It's been rough. Like sucks sometimes. But in those happy days, and in things we control, we find that those sad things don't matter, even when they may burn. But that's only if we rub salt in those wounds that we even notice they are there. In the end, I didn't need just Sebastian. I didn't need to move. I didn't need one thing specifically. What I needed was to accept myself, above all else. But still, I don't regret moving, even if I do wish I had been closer with Noa this summer. Even if I wish those small little details had been different.I guess that I'm never going to really put labels on whether or not I am "fixed" anymore, because I have had my slip ups. Almost harming myself again, breaking down in front of Lora. Some days I just found it incredibly hard to eat. But each day, I made sure to think of those days where I was happy, and these wounds weren't on my mind all the time as much as I could. And that's what kept me going. However, there were a few times this summer when I needed to cry. To process things. Besides the time I didn't really process mom and dad;s divorce until him and Stefan came over without mom, I also needed to consider the death of my grandma Rose. Gram Gram passed away the day before Jesse had to leave for Arizona. He couldn't stay any longer because his mother was picking him up, and she had a very tight schedule at work. I found her in my bedroom, in my bed. We figured that she had probably gotten tired, as she does after climbing all those stairs. My room was the closest to the stairs. Then, I guess she had just given up then. She was ready. The next day, I slept and cried from the hospital, to the house, and to the couch. But after I had come out to my whole history class by having Leah expose me, I had found an excuse to forget her death. Never mentioned it. Never thought about it. That was, until August 7th. That was her birthday. Lora and I shared funny and happy stories about her all day, and made her famous meat and vegetable soup that Lora was able to get the recipe of a couple years back. Even if not, I could have made it all from memory. Making it with Jesse every summer until we were eleven was one of the best parts about summer. I was thankful that I was able to see her before she left us, and make good memories with her, though I did sometimes feel a bit of regret for being distracted by school and relationship drama, and being reunited with Jesse instead of spending more time with her. Exactly two weeks after Gram Gram's birthday, Sebastian decided to pop back into my life. He barely talked to me all summer. He was kind of on the backburner, so I expected it to be the same with me, but he really seemed eager to spend time together. He had reached out by calling me on the 21st, and asked me if I wanted to go to the zoo. ***I went through eight or nine outfits before I picked the perfect one to wear to the zoo. A light blue hoodie, since it was a bit chilly today, and a pair of blue jeans with rips in them. I'm pretty sure they are actually a pair that Jesse had given me. I wear my tiger eye stone jewelry that Noa gave me for my birthday. The golden color brought out the color of my eyes, which I was sure Sebastian would appreciate. I slip on my favorite white and grey tennis shoes, and even offered to pick Sebastian up that morning. I prepared a cup of caramel ice coffee for each of us, and left to go pick him up. Sebastian's house was only a couple blocks away. The zoo was much further. It was a much smaller one than the one that I lived near back at home. But the zoo is always fun when you have money for souvenirs, a camera to take pictures of adorable animals, and your best friend. I see him already out on the porch of his house, waiting for me. He has a small bag with snacks and water for us that he carries. He gets in the passenger seat, tosses the bag in the back, and smiles widely at me. "Ready for the best day of your summer?""Ha, I know you're just trying to create the illusion that you're the best part of my summer," I reply, "but you're probably right. This is probably gonna be the most fun I've had in a long time.""Because of the animals?""Because of the animals," I smile. "Okay, and you. I guess." The long car ride actually went by fast, since Sebastian had brought his CD's with him so we could listen to music we liked. We both recapped our entire summer, basically, and compared and contrasted our boring lives that didn't really change much since we last spoke. He did however notice that I was much happier. We "ooh"ed and "ah"ed every animal exhibit and took pictures, and stopped many times to take selfies, and buy treats, even though he had brought a lot. Sebastian argued that those were just his "road snacks," and he offered to pay for the good stuff here. He even bought me a massive tiger plushie, and I got him a fancy water bottle he wanted in return, to thank him. We went to see the small aquarium exhibit twice, and the tigers as well, so I could get some good pictures to add to my collection of photos. I've gotten into photography more lately. Being out today gave me a lot of artistic inspiration. Sebastian and I even discussed me painting, and he was proud of me. He gave me tips for good supplies to get, and as always, he was supportive of me and what I wanted to do. He even kissed me twice today. Five or six corn dogs, a billion pictures, and eight-hundred bathroom breaks because Sebastian kept drinking too much water from his new water bottle later, we stopped at a bench to rest. "This was so much fun, Lucian.""Yeah, it really was. So much more fun than the last time we went, too. But, I guess that was a pretty sad day.""But we still made the most of it. I just... remember wanting to kiss you all day. I finally got to do it. God, you had me so confused back then. You were a girl, but acted like a guy, and I was just so scared of saying the wrong thing.""So, you had a hunch?""Oh, sure. Especially after that sleepover you had at Noa's, on your birthday. But I didn't want to jump to conclusions, or rush you," he explains. "I'm glad you know now. I just wish... things weren't confusing again," I shrug."Hm? What do you mean? Do you mean-""Yeah," I interrupt, "I don't know. I wanted to ask you out all summer, if I'm being honest.""Then, why didn't you?""Are you... serious? Seb, I wanted to give you time. I wanted to wait for you to reach out.""I was waiting for you to reach out," he smiles, knowing we were both thinking the same thing. God, we are still such idiots. "Sebastian," I begin, "I would love to just make things official already. But, we haven't talked all summer until today.""But, doesn't it just feel like... I don't know, everything's back to normal? We just c.icked, like we had just hung out yesterday?""I-if I'm being honest," I hesitate, "n-no. No, Sebastian. It feels like we keep missing each other.""Okay," he breathes out, "then what can I do? How can we make this work?""Commit to me, Sebastian. A-and, okay, I'll admit that I did this too, but we can't just ignore our feelings. We need to communicate and tell each other when we want to hang out. When we want to grow closer. I don't want to keep doing this.""Me neither, Lucian. I just want to love you."I pretend not to hear that last part. I've been kind of hesitant to use the word "love," ever since I started wondering more and more to myself if I'm going to end up like one of my parents. I've just been scared to go for Sebastian and pursue him, because almost everything in my past just ended in disaster when I tried just being honest. I'd love to just think of the first sixteen years of my life as a "rough start," so I could start over here now. But the anxiety still floods back, and it worries me somedays. It worries me when I think that my dad was pretending, and even started to believe what he was posing as when he found out my mom was against people like his own sister, who he actually used to be so close to. Sometimes I worry that I'll lose Noa. Or drift away from Sebastian, even if we make things official. Sebastian notices I am overthinking, so he reaches out and grabs my hand. "You okay?"I shrug my shoulders. "Just thinking.""Uh oh," he teases. I look up to the right of me and smile at him. "Tell me what you used to always tell me. About worrying about my future.""Ah," he nods. "Sure. It's the present right now!!" he yells. "Don't worry about shit you aren't supposed  to see!!"We begin laughing together. He always did this for me when I started feeling sad all of a sudden. He continues, reciting what he's had to tell me a thousand times. "When you stop being able to see what's happening now, that's when you need to worry, and get eye surgery!!" Him just shouting at me to get it through my head that I don't need to worry. That I need to just live my life, and be happy, Being a teenager, I am supposed to take things lightly, and have fun. I always have a lot of fun when I'm with Sebastian, so that's all I need to worry about.***Since that day, it's all I've been able to worry about. "What outfit should I wear? I want to look good in case Sebastian stops by after I get done with school." Or I'll send multiple messages in a row in case he didn't get the previous notification. Then a third, just to be sure. I'll try calling him, but then, if he doesn't answer right away, I'll hang up after the second ring, assuming he is too busy to talk. I didn't want to ever bother him. I just want to love him. He told me the same, but there will always be something in my head telling me we are different. Because he is Sebastian, and I am me. If I show him my crazy by expressing my feelings, he'll run. That's how it seems to go for a lot of people. I don't want us to just be another statistic. I want us to work. Lora has even confronted me, asking why I don't just get with him, because before long, we will be waiting for things to be perfect, and we will be a hundred. Of course I know that no relationship is perfect. I just want so badly to be perfect for him. He deserves perfect. He doesn't deserve an overthinker who will have to be reassured that I didn't ruin my life by every little decision I make, or someone he will have to order for in a restaurant because I'm shy. Somebody who isn't a real guy. That last one really seemed to make Lora frustrated. But It's how I feel. And how a lot of cisgender people view people like me. "Sebastian will never do that. He's not like that." Every time I think, I dwell on it for too long, until I get this huge jumble of conspiracies floating in my head. You could tell me I'm okay, but then two minutes later, it's time to hit the reset button and double check. That's just how my brain works, and it sucks enough for me. I shouldn't knowingly make his life suck too. Stuffing all these feelings deep down for the millionth time, I pretend Sebastian doesn't exist as I prepare myself for the first day of the 10th grade. Of course, I'm already a bit scared, which distracts me from the business I have yet to deal with outside of school. "Relationships can wait," I told myself as I realized I would have to be spending a lot of time after school is over still in the building for clubs and activities. I write my name down on the sign up sheet for the debate club, the school choir, and even signed up for the school musical this year. Acting wasn't usually my thing, but singing has been lately, now I've been surrounded by more and more music, living with my gifted aunt, who could play just about every instrument, and made music herself. At the end of last year, when picking my classes, I chose an art class as one of my electives, an additional health class so I didn't have to pick another language class, and an introduction to music theory. Amera met me in the lobby with all the sign up sheets on tables and posted on the walls, with a welcome back banner spread over the wall behind a table of cookies and lemonade. She wore a dark blue hoodie and black, ripped shorts. "Lucian! Are you gonna be in the musical this year? You totally should! Zara and Finn and I are gonna be in it for sure!"The first thing I do is meet her in the center of the lobby, where everyone stared for a brief moment. I hugged her tightly, even though we texted a lot and hung out frequently over the summer. "I already did, actually, yeah," I reply shyly. "Oh, you look so cute today! Have you seen Garret around here?""Hm? No, I haven't. Um, he might be in our homeroom already? I'd check there." As soon as I had the words out, Amera began to turn the corner out to the hall and race up the flight of stairs near the gymnasium. I follow behind her, to figure out where our homeroom is this year. I sprint up the stairs to catch up with Amera, who was excited to see her boyfriend. She leads me to the eighth grade science lab room, which had to be used as our homeroom while they finish redoing our homeroom classroom, which was the same one we had last year. When I enter the classroom, the usual little groups of friends are sat together, like the fashion-obsessed girls, staying on top of trends, the gamers, the people getting ahead on studying already on the first day, the jocks, and the table of more diverse students who is 99% part of the LGBTQ+ community, then there's my group: The co-ed, random outcasts that would be bullied in any other school you see in the movies. But here, we could all just exist peacefully, which is still something I'm not quite used to after having gone here for over a quarter of the school year last spring. At out table sat Vera, Finn, Sabine, Cass, and a few students from a different homeroom class last year: Opal, John, and Danny. I take the last available chair at the table, feeling kind of bad for Amera, but then I see that she is sat down with the jocks, since that's where her boyfriend, Garret was. Opal and I both look up and take notice of the next person to enter the classroom. I didn't recognize them, and seeing the way their eyes nervously dart around the room, looking for a place to sit, I assumed they were new here. One thing I couldn't assume though, was their gender. I notice on the left side of their unzipped green jacket was a pin with the pronouns "they, them" on it. I smile welcomingly at them, and they smile back, and wave. I look back at where Zara was sitting, closes to the stack of extra chairs in the back. "Hey," I whisper, "pull up a chair."Zara grabs an extra chair from the corner of the classroom, and I motion for them to come sit. "You can sit with us," I offer. They shuffle over shyly, and I notice their ripped, baggy jeans, dyes brown. Danny immediately takes notice of their outfit. "Hey, I like your outfit," he says, pointing out the adorable cropped shirt with a frog on it under their jacket.""Thanks," they smile, "I thrifted most of this stuff, and kinda made it my own.""That's awesome," I smile back. "Are you new this year?""Yeah, I-I'm Emmy.""Nice to meet you," Vera greets. She introduces all of us, accepting them with open arms, just like they did when I was new. We invited Emmy to sit with us during lunch, and other classes any of us had with them. We became quick friends that day, and learned a lot about each other. Just from that first day back at school, I realized just how easy it is. Just how easy it is to accept people, and I wonder why some people make it so damn hard. Days like that make me incredibly thankful that I've found my new home now. Later that next week, on a warm sunny Wednesday where we had gotten dismissed from school two hours early, I was in a good mood when I returned home. Lora was out on the deck, ready to greet me with some sun tea. I was a bit late getting home than I usually would be on days like these, because I offered to give Emmy a ride home so they didn't have to take the bus. They were excited to see their little brother, Eli, who had his fifth birthday party today, and they wanted to get their sooner to help with setting up the party. When I make my way up to the deck and accept the glass of tea, I peek in through the glass door, and see a tall figure inside at the kitchen counter. "Um, Lora? Who's that?""Ah, Hugo!" Lora calls out for the man, reaching behind her to open the door. "Come meet Lucian!" The man comes walking out. He had fluffy brown hair, and glasses. He was dressed in a blue sweater and some jeans. He looked like he was ready to teach an advanced science class. "This is Hugo, the man I told you about."Ah, yes. Lora met a little guy friend. She swore she would never get married, but she has been hanging out with this guy more and more lately. This is the first time I'm meeting him. He looked nice, and very smart. I heard from Lora when she was first seeing him that he studied marine biology. I wondered for the longest time why on earth he would rather be stuck in a lab and looking at DNA samples and stuff like that rather than diving in the ocean. He just really liked the neighborhood and didn't think it was worth moving anywhere else when his father was very sick right now, an he wanted to spend as much time as he could with him. "And, the lab is really just like my home. I love being a scientist, and, if I'm being completely honest, I'm a bit afraid of oceans.""You're a marine biologist, but you're scared of the ocean? Hm," I say as I take a bite of cake Hugo and Lora made earlier today. "I guess I kinda get it. The whole idea of studying marine life is a really cool thing. I'm sure you find all sorts of weird stuff with research.""Yeah, definitely. And I just think that if you have a dream, you can do whatever you want, without letting your fears stop you. What do you want to do when you get older, Lucian?""Well, I've decided lately I probably want a job in the medical field. Psychology. I always loved writing, too. As long as I'm promoting people to be their best and healthiest selves," I shrug.Lora laughs. "You act like it's such a casual thing that you have your whole life planned out. I love it! All I knew back then was that I wanted to do anything and everything.""And you did," Hugo says. "Your aunt here is truly very talented. It's so great to finally spend time here with both of you and get to know this wonderful family." It was strange hearing Hugo call Lora and I a family, like we were complete. Of course, my mom is a part of my family, but I don't really... claim her, as bad as that may sound. My dad and Stefan however, they're family I do claim, and I wish I could have stayed living with them somedays, but I just know I wouldn't have the same opportunities as I do here. My mental health would probably be suffering much worse. And I wouldn't know a reality where I didn't have to hide, because I just know that if I stayed at my old schok, they would bully me right back into the closet. So, yes, things are better off this way, but it's just strange having so few people question it. The cake Lora and Hugo made was strawberry, with chocolate frosting, and strawberries on top. It was amazing! If Hugo cooked a full meal just as well as he could bake a cake, then I would tell Lora to marry him right now. Their combined cooking skills would be absolute... perfection. I didn't want to question Lora while Hugo was still at the house, and I didn't even mention in after he had left later that evening. But, I was curious why she was even seeing Hugo. She had seemed so certain that she didn't want to get married. It wasn't for her. But I could really see her and Hugo having something permanent. I pretty much knew what answer I would get if I had asked: "It just happened." Which is totally valid. I came out to my school at the same time my parents were about to get a divorce, and now I'm here, because it just... happened. Sometimes, you find the right person, or the right opportunity at the right time, even when you had never given something like it a single thought beforehand. Lora and Hugo continued getting closer and closer throughout the month of September, and by the end, there was a new addition to our small family. And I didn't mean Hugo. I'm talking about Tony, my new cat. He's orange and white, and just a little fluffy baby. He wasn't even a month old when I got him. He slept in my room, and I played with him before and after school, and I've been bringing my friends over so they can meet him. I always wanted a pet of my own since my scorpion didn't really work out all that well. I was still waiting for Lora to announce that Hugo was going to be moving in with us around this time, but they were still "taking it slow."Another month of "taking it slow," unfortunately only ended in a fun visit to a haunted house. But I wanted more. Sebastian and I's relationship had yet to be official still, and I was driving myself crazy by my own fear and insecurity. This was boring. I need romance, even if it's just watching someone else's from a distance. Hugo and Lora and I all went to eat earlier that night. We ordered two pizzas, and a bunch of cheese sticks. We went crazy, eating every last bite we could. Hugo and Lora celebrated on Haloween for two different reasons. One, it's the best holiday ever. And two, this would mark three months of their unofficial relationship. This was it. Could I just... give them a liittle push?All I really wanted was to give them the push that I never had to pursue Sebastian, who at this point, I had honestly kind of given up on. But instead of mourning, I was working on a huge art project to submit in a contest by next month. "Oh, come on! Just make it official, already," I tease. Except, I wasn't really teasing at all. I really, really liked Hugo. And they really, really liked each other. I knew exactly what Noa, or Jesse would tell me, which is why I really missed my friends in that moment. They would tell me that the same thing that Lora and Hugo are doing, dragging things on, is exactly what Seb and I have been doing for months.Lora and Hugo both kind of stayed silent after that, giving it some thought, maybe. But the night ended very much... not how I wanted it to. The haunted house was great. One of the best I've ever been to. A scary man in a costume used a real chainsaw and everything! But, lora didn't seem happy by the end of the night, so I decided to talk to her when we got back home. And, she was mad. "Why would you just ask that?""What? I was just asking!""But, gah, Lucian," she sighs, clearly frustrated. "I'm sorry. Sorry. I'm just trying to think clearly and rationally right now. God, I like him. A lot.""I don't understand why you two can't just make things official. It's like this huge cliff hanger," I reply. "I'm... I'm going to say this, and I don't want you to be offended, but, Lucian, I feel like if you hadn't said anything, we could have maybe made it official tonight."My heart drops at her words. Did I really just ruin it for them? "I'm really, really sorry, Lora. I didn't mean to, really- I, I just wanted to-""Give us a push," she interrupts. "And I love and appreciate everything you do. But, you need to understand that it's different when you're in a situation like this. People pushing you to do what they want is just distracting. It throws things off, and in the end, can just cause more issues.""I really didn't see Hugo get upset, though. I thought he wanted to..." I trail off, knowing I was still in the wrong regardless, because Lora's night was thrown off.  It's like... interrupting someone on a roll with their studying. If someone interrupts, and gets them side-tracked, it's going to be harder to get back on track, and take longer to finish.""Oh.""Does that make sense? Hon, I don't want to hurt your feelings. I know you like Hugo, and-""No, I know. I do." And, I actually began to understand it more and more as I stopped to pause and collect my thoughts and keep myself from crying. I take things like this very personally. She knew I had good intentions, but the last thing I wanted to do was ruin things. We both look up and make eye contact at the same exact time. Making the same realization. "Lora?""Yeah, hon?""I think the same thing... happened with me and Sebastian." Only moments after, as Lora nods and closes her eyes, realizing that we have in fact both done the same thing, I come leaping onto the couch and wrap my arms around her, and let my aunt comfort me as I cried. "it's okay, it's okay. Honey, you're just a kid. And if Hugo and I are meant to be, then I will ask him out next weekend, as I planned in the first place. If it's meant to be, then he will agree to be my boyfriend.""It's too late for me and Sebastian. We've done this for too long, Lora. I just can't," I sob. "Listen, honey. Listen. If you want him, now's your chance. Just, please, do what you want."***I suppose nothing really after that conversation deserves a recap. I won an art contest. First place. I didn't really celebrate much, because I never told Sebastian. Even as he came over to Join Lora Hugo and I for Thanksgiving dinner. Lora and Hugo, the official couple, had even discussed moving in eventually on Christmas Eve. I told them I would love if he did. Seeing them at least gave me the tiniest bit of hope for what I had planned. I just hope I don't screw this up. Sebastian invited some people to a New Year's Eve party, including a few of his new friends from around here, some family he kept in touch with, like his cousins, and also, me. I made up my mind as soon as I received the invite. I got a feeling in my stomach I knew all too well, but with it came a weird sense I've never felt before. A "Do it. Now. This is your last chance" kind of feeling. In less than five days, I'm going to make you my boyfriend, Sebastian. I have to.