Chapter 20

Nobody at this party is drunk. There is absolutely no alcohol in this man's house. And it's a stunning one. A large, open kitchen you walk right into, with the living room right over next to it, like Lora's house. He kept it so nice and clean, looking just as it did when I helped him move in. Maybe even better. He definitely kept up with the cleaning of such a large area. It was roomy, but only two stories high. So, basically like Lora's house. But upstairs in our house, the rooms are a guest bedroom, another bathroom, a storage closet, and Lora's room. He had been wondering lately if he wanted to get a roommate, since there was plenty of space for at least two people. He hasn't actually mentioned it since November, when he came over to celebrate Thanksgiving with us.The white, fluffy carpet was kept clean, as we were all instructed to take off our shoes as we walked in, and place them on a set of storage shelves that stacked up from the ground. In the kitchen, he must have spent the past forty-eight hours preparing the most fancy, delicious looking snacks and appetizer treats I have ever seen. Sweet stuff, spicy stuff, savory stuff. Stuff I can't even recognize. Nothing store bought except for the ingredients that went into every masterpiece. Every dip, every slider. Every candy treat and baked good to every platter of biscuit looking things I had no idea the name of. I was amazed. And, kind of falling even more for him. He was responsible, a talented cook, and of course, I couldn't forget his art.A massive canvas stretched over the wall of the living room directly behind the couch. It was a beautiful sunset scenery near a pond. It looked like something you would buy from a furniture store that was just printed on a canvas, but no. He made this. He made all of this. A wonderful, stable life for himself. A life I'm sure as I will ever be about anything that I want to be a part of. By next year, which was only four and a half hours away, I need something to change.This wasn't any huge party like the ones the kids at my school went to, though I actually have been to a couple more of those since that incident back last school year. It was just his sisters, Sebastian's co-workers at the seafood restaurant he works at, and some friends he had made here since he moved. Some he knew from playing basketball with one day at the park. He was walking by, and they invited him to join them. The two guys he first met that day were Percy and Leon. Leon was tall and scrawny, but very good at basketball and skateboarding. Him and Percy were both twenty. They also happen to be cousins. Percy is muscular and has darker hair than Leon. He is a bit shorter, and he is very enthusiastic when it comes to movies, as I am as well. We actually met and discussed our favorite movies a couple months back, when I was with Donna working on a group science project, because he is Donna's older brother.Two of the girls that were here at the party that worked with Sebastian were seventeen. Nobody from my school, though. They actually went to the school in the next town over. It was great getting to know everyone here, and I was so happy to know that Sebastian wanted me here. He obviously thinks about me, even with this new life he's created for himself. It gives me hope that he sees me as a part of his new life. Now I don't feel as nervous about asking him to be my boyfriend tonight.I want him to know that this time, I want to fully focus on him. I won't put him on the back burner anymore, or just drift apart from him for months at a time. That's not what a healthy relationship is, and now that I'm healthy mentally, I need to make this happen.There's typical party music playing over the speaker as some of the people here dance. I sat on the couch right between Chloe and Ana, Sebastian's little sisters, who were now six and seven. The last time they were here, over summer break, I didn't come to see them at all. They really wanted me and Seb to grow closer. They really seemed to like the idea, and caught on quickly to my feelings for him. When I first arrived, about twenty minutes ago, I avoided them as I talked to Sebastian, thanking him for inviting me, and praising him for putting all of this together, with all the food, the music, the decorations. But then they came running through, past the kitchen, into the living room, wanting to dance with some of the older kids, and Sebastian volunteered me to go dance with them, as they didn't know any of his new friends. I had no other choice but to go out there, with my rather masculine outfit, my short shaggy haircut, and flattened chest. I noticed back when I first met them how observant they were. I didn't really know how to feel about telling them about me. Sure, at this young of an age, if I did it right, they could accept people like me if they haven't heard of any before, and they wouldn't turn out to be like the jackasses I used to go to school with. Maybe they won't care. Maybe I'm just overthinking and it shouldn't even be a big deal coming out to little six and seven year old's who hardly ever see me.As soon as they laid eyes on me, Ana tilted her head just slightly, and stopped running completely. She held her hands together in a shy stance and smiled. "I like your haircut, Tarah."It was honestly the most wholesome reaction I have seen to my new look. I wasn't even sure I had the heart to correct her on my name. Just then, Sebastian appeared behind Chloe and Ana."Their hair does look nice, doesn't it? Now, you girls remember when you were here, and we talked about all the different people here? You see, I think your friend here would like it better if you called them a different name, and maybe called him a 'he.' Does that make sense?"I smile, looking up at Sebastian, and back down at his little sisters. He handled it all so well. It was the sweetest thing. He would make a great father if he ever wanted kids. He's just such a great human. He taught his sisters about things that they would learn wrong back at home before it was too late. Now they can learn to love everyone."Oh," Chloe responds. She turns back to face Sebastian, looking a bit shy or embarrassed. She motioned for her brother to lean down, cupped her hands around her mouth, and whispered something in his ear."What should you call him? I think he would prefer the name 'Lucian.' Can you do that for him?" Chloe nods, and Ana takes a step forward, reaching out for my hand. Chloe takes the other, then I was soon carried off to dance with both of them. After we had danced through three or four songs, they were finally tired out for a moment, and we all sat down on the couch. I asked them how school was, what they got for Christmas, normal things like that. I humored Chloe as she talked about all the science kits and toys she got, and Ana talked about her interests, like her favorite kids shows that made absolutely zero sense to me. Sebastian came through and sat on the edge of the couch."Did you girls wanna go outside and do the sparklers with Kenna? It's dark enough outside now." They both immediately get up off the couch and go find their shoes. Sebastian moved over, and sat close to me. "My co-worker brought some sparklers for them to light. Later though we're gonna set off some fireworks," he explains. "So, I hope they weren't too rowdy or anything.""Oh. no, they were well behaved. You're a great big brother to them.""Hm, I suppose," he shrugs. "I try to be as involved with them as I can even though they're still stuck with mom. Where they'll probably unlearn everything I've taught them.""I don't think so, honestly. You got them to understand in the span of ten seconds I was transgender, and they didn't even question it. That's how you raise a kid right.""It is kinda sad though, isn't it? That their brother who lives five hours away has to raise them?""A bit, but, at least someone is. You're gonna do a damn good job if you ever decide to have children," I smile, hoping I wasn't being weird mentioning such a thing."So are you, Lucian. If- if you wanted children. You're really great with kids."We sit in an awkward silence, watching as the girls run out the kitchen to the front yard. He finally speaks up again after they've shut the door behind them. "Hey, sorry I kinda left you with them, though. I'm sure you wanted to meet some of my friends. Get to know them better. They're out there in the kitchen, stuffing their faces, probably. You wanna come meet them?"I can feel my cheeks getting warm, and feel my hands getting sweaty. My social anxiety apparently didn't want me to branch out and have as much fun as I initially planned on. I get nervous meeting new people, sometimes. Especially when they're older. Cooler than me. They're friends of Sebastian, so they're probably gonna be all artsy, and treat me like a baby. They were all adults, besides maybe two or three people. Sebastian detects my nervousness, and takes my hand, as he usually does. "Everything alright? We don;t have to. It was just a suggestion. They're really nice, really. I think you would like them.""Um. yeah. Just, give me a minute? Is that alright?" I didn't want to disappoint him, or be antisocial the whole night. I was going to have to come out of my shell more if I wanted my plan to work."Of course, of course. How about this? You haven't seen what I've done with the rest of the house, upstairs. I told everyone else it was off limits, but I kind of wanted to show you.""Yeah. Yeah, sure," I responded instantly. I follow him through the living room and up the stairs. "So, what did you do," I jokingly asked in a suspicious tone. "Should I be scared?"Sebastian smirks as he leads me to the first room, which... was an art room. Full of canvases and paints, and plastic and sheets covered in paint on the ground underneath a massive canvas he had been working on. I could quite make out what he was painting yet.""Wow, this is so cool! I love this! What's that one going to be?""Just an abstract piece. I thought it would look cool above my bed.""This is awesome, Seb," I say as I take a look around the rest of the room. There were smaller canvases, even bigger ones up leaning against the wall, shelves with pottery projects he's finished over the years, and on one of the walls was a sea life mural."Thanks. Um," Sebastian pauses, and looks off to the side, out the window. From up here we could see the girls running around across the lawn with the sparklers."What's up?" I couldn't tell if he was uncomfortable, or just forgot what he was going to say."I don't know. Um, well... Sorry," he laughs. "That was a lie." He inhales then slowly breathes out, then turns to face me, clapping his hands together. "You wanna go see my room?""Yeah....?" For some reason, it came out as a question. I wish I could disappear into the floor right now as he turns to face me."You sure? I mean, it's been like eight months, but it isn't that messy," he teases."No, yeah, let's go." I follow him out of the art room, taking one last peek behind me. I feel butterflies in my stomach again, like the ones I got on the way over here. I turn my attention back to him in his adorable blue shirt with a black jacket still draped over his shoulder. Once he opened the door to his room, he tossed the jacket onto his bed. It was really hot up here. He turns back around and lifts up and extends his arms. "So, what do we think?"I took a good look around. The bed set was blue and gray. The walls were gray. kind of boring, but then I pay attention to all the posters and artwork covering the wall behind me, next to the door. Surrounding a large mirror is a photo collage of photos he took himself. He was good at everything, I swear. He had a few plants in the one corner of his room, and to the right was his dresser and a small television. He had a bedside table with a rainbow lava lamp, and more band posters covering the sliding doors of his wooden closet. I flop down onto his comfy bed, and sigh dramatically. "Thanks for the tour, so, when will I be moving in?" I was obviously joking, but sometimes I don't understand when others are being sarcastic, so I wonder if I'm even making it obvious when I am simply making jokes."Hm? If you're serious, I am looking for a roommate," he smirks.'Ha, that wouldn't be all that bad. But, I'm still only sixteen.""Then, how about I wait? So far, the only applications I got are from some really sketchy old men, or women who are just...""Creepy?""Yeah," he sighs. He sits down next to me."Fine, then wait for me." I smile, not really knowing if this was just a bit, or if we were talking about something else, perhaps. That's when I decided that it was now or never. "Hey, what's a little more waiting? We confessed our love for each other eight months ago, and here we are."Sebastian tenses a bit, like I just delivered some heart wrenching news. He nearly flinches. "Yeah. Yeah, here we are.""Do we um, are.... do you think-" Sebastian laughs at me not being able to get the words out, breaking some of the tension. I finally continue after I compose myself. "Do you think it's... going to be the right time for us? Soon?" Nothing. He stays silent, and I can't even look him in the eyes to try and read his expression. I was too nervous. "Because, I really fucking hope it's soon. We;ve been trying to get closer, but I only started considering something.""What's that?" He finally speaks up, just barely. His voice is basically a whisper."I don't know," I shrug. "Maybe the only way we can make things feel normal between us is if we make things official? Pick up where we left off, when I told you I loved you."He moves his hand upward to move the few strands of hair in my face out of the way to kiss me on the top of the head. "You're so very precious to me, Lucian. I don't want anything bad to happen.""Bad? Like what?""Well, I don't know, just, things not working out. Like we find that there;s things we can't agree upon.""Seb, I don't care how different we are. I love being around you. I hated myself, beat myself up every time I couldn't be honest with you. And when I felt I was beating myself up, I was basically slapping you in the face. You don't deserve someone who is gonna put you on the back burner all the time." Silence. He looks down at the floor, fidgeting nervously with his thumbs. "I'm never, ever going to do that again. Please, let me make you my priority.""Hey, you don't have to put me first all the time. I understand you're busy, and you're sixteen. You're learning things that I know all too well, so that's why I haven't given up. Take all the time you need," he encourages. But he didn't understand. I turn to my left, and make him turn to face me. Look me in the eyes as I show him that I'm mature, and devoted, and fully focused on him."I don't want time. I don't want time, or space away from you! I want you with me all the time." My voice begins to break, and waver as I confess to him how I feel. I just hope he can understand that all my feelings are genuine. That as much as I seem to run away from him, I love him and would do anything to have that change. "I need you, Seb. I know I don't always understand new things I face in the world, because I'm young, but you're my best friend, and the best supporter. The best person I could have as a supporter when I'm hurt.""But what if I start making you hurt?" He takes his hands in mine, and I can feel how much he is shaking, and I can't stop myself from doing what I end up doing next. I bring my hand to the back of his head and touch my lips to his. I could tell by his reaction, first leaning back a bit that he expected me to give up arguing after he said that. But no, I wanted to kiss all his fears away, like he seemed to make all of my fears disappear by just simply existing. And with time, and effort. and commitment, I'm going to find any and every way to make his life the best it possibly can be. After one kiss, I expected him to pull apart from me to realize he was wrong for having any doubts. But, that wasn't exactly the case. He pulled me back in for more. And... more, and more. It wasn't until I got so lost in the kiss that I had no idea whatsoever how long we had been doing this that he finally pulled back. Once again, I couldn't read his expression as he caught his breath."You distract me from any pain I've ever felt," I sigh as I catch my breath as well. "And even when there's nothing you can do, I'd rather hurt, and take care of you than be without you a day in my life."He stands up, and looks behind us at the clock to see what time it was. 10:02. He probably wanted to head back downstairs soon to gather everyone to light fireworks. I wasn't going to make the same mistake I did before. I won't force him, or be forced into giving a yes or no answer just like that, on the spot. the last time that happened, I freaked out and said "let's take it slow." Taking it slow for almost a year wasn't an option. In my opinion, at that point, that's when we should just try giving up. "Where are you going?""Gonna go dig out some fireworks. I just have the ones I didn't set off from July. Mostly big ones," he explains as I follow him downstairs."Ah, I'm sure the girls will love that.""Yeah, they love the big ones. Hey, you wanna do me a favor?""Yeah! Yeah," I responded eagerly."In the bathroom there should be a first aid kit under the sink. You wanna grab the earplugs for Chloe?""Oh, of course!" When we get out to the living room, I take a left and enter the bathroom and find the first aid kit. After I've found the earplugs, I bring them out to the kitchen and set them on the kitchen counter. A door is cracked just slightly next to the oven. I assume it leads downstairs to the basement. I hesitantly head down and soon see Sebastian's shadow down there."God, why's it so dark and scary down here?""Agh!" Sebastian literally jumps at the sound of my voice. "Shit, sorry," he breathes. "You scared me.""Sorry! I uh, got the earplugs. Need help grabbing the fireworks?""Um... yeah, actually," he decides. I make my way down the rest of the stairs and wander over to a clear crate that looks to have some small firecrackers in it. "They should be somewhere around this area- the big ones."After a few moments of digging around looking for them, Seb finally breaks the silence. "Sorry I just kinda walked out like that.""Well," I grunt as I pull out a large black crate with some fireworks in them, "I kind of expected you to say something.""I'm sorry. I didn't really... I wasn't focusing/ God, I'm sorry, that sounds bad.""Uh, well, here, help me with these crates. Or, let's fit these all in one at least."He rushes over to help me. "Yep, sorry, sorry. But um, I just feel weird about it. That's all.""What's so weird about it? Seb, we can make it work. Unless, you don't feel the same way anymore.""No, I do! I love you so much, and I just want to keep you safe. Safe from me screwing you up, and when you're around me, you're gonna get caught up in my screw-ups."I set down the crate completely, and began to laugh. He probably first thought I was making fun of him. I just thought it was kind of funny that despite him saying I was sixteen and still learning things he knew, we still had some of the same issues and insecurities. I fall down to my knees, and the gross, dusty, cold hard cement foundation of the basement, and he comes falling down with me, my contagious laugh catching on and causing him to break out into a grin."What is so funny?""Seb, I'm right here with you," I laugh. "I'm just as insecure as you are. We all screw up! I screw up all the time, and you keep wanting to be around me.""But, it's different-""No, it's not," I interrupt. "Trust me, it's not. It's normal to be scared. I'm scared too, but I'm asking you now. I'm asking you officially, on this... grimy, disgusting- no offense, the rest of your house looks great- basement floor, will you be my boyfriend?"He snorts, breaking out into a full-blown laughing fit. "God, you're so perfect. Honestly, I've never seen a more genuine way of asking someone out."I can hear above us the two kids running around through the kitchen, squealing in excitement for the fireworks. "Wanna come back to this later?" I obviously was dying to get an official answer from him, though now I was pretty hopeful he was going to accept. I just wanted to hear him say it. But I didn't want us to keep everyone waiting forever."Hold on," he says, holding out his hand as he stands up to help me up as well. "I have my answer."***The fireworks exploded with beautiful colors like pink and green, red and blue, gold and silver. Ana and Chloe marveled at the beauty of them. Meanwhile, Sebastian and I stayed inside as some of the adults monitored the fireworks. Music was still playing, and we wanted to celebrate the last hour and a half before the new year to make up for the disaster last year. We danced, and swayed to the music. No alcohol, no money involved, no friends pressuring anybody. A new life for me. A new life for him. A new life we shared.I noticed something different about Sebastian. Surely, I would have noticed such a demeanor about him before tonight. I was certain it was because of the conversation we had in the basement. The live countdown was screened on the television in the living room, just like it was last year. Sebastian stands near me protectively back near the couch as the others were all scattered about. A couple people with their significant others were preparing for their New Year's kiss. As everyone was enjoying themselves and getting excited for the next year to come, Sebastian was acting rather possessive. Grabbing the back of my hoodie and holding it up against his chest as he presses his lips against the nape of my neck. Refusing to let me go this time, like this was his last chance. He breathes heavily, trying to keep himself from acting out of sorts in front of everyone gathered in the living room. I didn't have to say it, but he knew already that I wouldn't be able to say no if he pressed his lips against mine, the same way he did exactly a year ago. But this time, on our own terms. Something about his presence now just makes me feel safe, because I know that he wants me and wouldn't be even silently suggesting it in such a strong manner if I didn't feel the same way. His teeth graze my sensitive skin lightly, trying to see how far he could go without me saying anything. Something told me he was going to be behaving like this around me a lot more. Unfiltered, and free to kiss me and touch me whenever he wanted. And I wasn't complaining.I just knew what we were both thinking about at that moment. Thinking back to our kiss last year. Our kiss at the end of spring almost led to something more. Those countless times we almost gave into our feelings for each other. Now we did it. We finally did it, and gave into our desires. He continues to sway with me, grabbing my hips and guiding me like we were innocently dancing to the music quietly playing in the background still. Like I couldn't feel him rubbing against my thigh, or knew the game we were both playing.The counting begins. "Ten." He steps back and lets go of my clothes. It takes all that I have to keep myself from jumping on him or begging him to press his body against mine again. "Nine." Sebastian gives me a moment to give him the expected look of desperation. I mouthed the words "where are you going?""Eight. Seven." Stepping closer to me than before, he nearly presses his lips against my ear as he speaks. Everyone around us continues the chant. "Six! Five! Four!""I'm not going anywhere.""Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!"