chapter 19
I am not ready to face Lady Fish, not right now when I might have actually done something terrible. It hurts me that I didn't live up to what she taught me. She's more of a mother to me than Delilah can ever be. She taught me how to walk, speak, and how to eat. She knows me right from when I was born. Mother said she was my late grandma's best friend, and she has lived up to it. I finally arrived at her house. Nothing has changed. The lawn is leveled and floored.
The holy cross drawn at the top of her door is still there, and her door frame is encircled with beautiful flowers, just like always. I take a deep breath before I knock on the door.
"Who's there!" Lady Fish's voice vibrates from inside, and all of a sudden the door opens to my face. Standing in front of me is someone I knew so well, but she seems to be unrecognizable. Is it the gray hair, or is it the chubby body? Probably it's the wrinkles on her face.
"Hi," I say with a small voice. She sighs, and her eyes brim with sadness for a brief second, and before I know it, she's over me. A big tight hug. I am now convinced that the woman before me is my mother, she always has scents of cinnamon, which might be because of her garden in the backyard. I lean in and close my arm around her. It's not just because I miss her, but it's also because I needed the hug of someone who knows what I've gone through and what I'm going through. We let ourselves go the moment we feel the burden has lessened.
"Com' on in," she says touching the under of her eyes. I follow her inside the house, and my childhood memories jump in. I spent almost all of my childhood in this house. Lady Fish is the best babysitter ever. In her house, there are no rules. She let us watch whatever show we like. She let us have enough candies till we were full, which was like never. She even let us sizzle stuff, like toys, cheese, and bread. One time, Anna suggested we sizzle her favorite puffy bear, but when we did, it melted and she cried non-stop. Ladyfish even got her her favorite ice cream, but she didn't eat it and it melted and then spilled on her. As dangerous and childish as it was, Sizzle Day was my favorite day ever. Her crusty and coarse cough brings me back to present. She picks up two strawberry ice-creams from the kitchen island, handing them over to me.
"She's at the rooftop," she says, and I take the ice cream from her, but I'm worried about her. Is she healthy? Has she been doing okay all alone?
"Are you sick?" I ask. She tries to speak but seems to have lost her voice. "Fish?" I lean towards her. She's breathing heavily, and I get anxious.
"I'm fine," she says with a strained voice. Liquid gathers in her eyes. I stand still, doubtfully staring at her. Please, God, let her be okay. "Thank you whale, thank you for keeping an eye on my little dolphin," she says, and I nod slightly. I watch her trudge past me to the living room. She falls herself on the couch and it sinks. She's the only true family I have left. I climb up to the rooftop, which is too small for my feet. As I arrive at the top, something feels different, like I just went through a portal to an unexisting world. It's cloudy, it's as if the whole place is painted sky-blue. The air also feels different, it soothes me as it brushes my skin. I can't believe I've never been up here before. Admiring a whole new world, I spot Anna, sitting at the edge of the roof. She looks lost, she looks sad. She's the reason I never came up here, because she comes here when she's sad or angry, and she always wants to be alone during those times, and I always respect her wish. Now, I'm starting to think I was wrong to let her deal with those hurtful moments alone. I'm living to make it up to her.
"Ice cream?" I say, and she shockingly turns to face me. Her eyes are running and it's circled with red bags under them. My heart aches.
She quickly wipes her face. "What are you doing here?" I can barely hear her voice.
"Uhmm…" I utter, approaching her with the ice cream, "Lady Fish asks me to give you this," I tell her, handing the ice cream to her. She looks at the ice cream, then at my face. She sighs before taking it from me. It doesn't take her one second before sticking her tongue over it. It makes me feel a little welcomed, so I sit next to her. "Woah!" I exclaim, almost dropping my ice cream. I see Anna slightly grin. I like it when she's happy, it makes me feel accomplished in a certain way. And when she's sad, I feel like a total failure. "It's awesome here," I say.
"Mmhmm," she mutters, then chugs on her ice cream.
"Now I understand why you always come here back in the day, it's soothing" I say.
"It's heartbreaking." She puts down her ice cream. I look at her, unsure of what to say.
"Don't be too hard on yourself, you aren't to blame," I tell her and she looks at me with wide eyes.
ARIANNA.
It's unsettling when he says things like that, it makes me feel more terrible. It is impossible to be forgiven. How do I appreciate him for paying such sacrifice on my behalf after being nothing but a mess in his life? And how do I apologize to Mikaela for cutting her life short? The things I have done are unforgivable, and I deserve to be punished for them.
"Elizabeth said to bring you home in one piece, but I think that's too late," he says, looking into my hurting eyes. I know they all thought they were protecting me, but Because they kept this from me, I feel damaged beyond repair.
"You're right," I say, and he looks at me with creased brows.
"I don't deserve your friendship…"
"Anna…"
"I don't!" I yell, and tears pour like it has been hanging around my eyes. A meditating silence falls on the both of us. I am thinking, Why does he care so much about me? I claim to be a caring friend, but I have done nothing to prove that. God, I feel like a pest, a destructive pest.
"Do you remember that day you asked me to come over for a playdate and I said I had chillsnatraetis?" He says, and I chuckle. Jeremy will always be the most subtle person I know. I remember going around asking people what that means, only to find out that he made it up. I hate it when he lies to me, I hate it when we aren't the friend we say we are. "I think we were ten…"
"Nine, we were nine years old," I say.
"Ohh," he utters.
"Yeah," I add.
"That was a lie."
"I Know."
"No, Anna. That was a lie. I was home all day, feeling very healthy and happy…"
"Okay?" I have no idea why he's telling me this now.
"I lied because I had a playdate with Mikaela," he says, and his words Pierce my heart.
"Ohh," I utter as I play with my fingers. Even now, I still feel hurt knowing that there was a time he lied to me so he can be with Mikaela. Thinking about it now, I'm confused. Why did he replace me the moment Mikaela came to town? I know I didn't offend him in any way. "Was I that boring?" I ask and throw my face at him.
"What? No, of course not…" He pauses looking into my eyes. "Well, at times you were boring, especially when you read your poems to me…" he says, and I slightly smile. "But that's no excuse, and I'm sorry. You might be the one who pushed Mikaela, But I was the one who kept pushing you to do so. It's me, Anna. I'm responsible for Mikaela's death, and no punishment can be enough for my actions, that's why I'm trying to make things right by you…" he takes my hand. "Don't be sad, don't be angry, don't be mad, do not cry. You've suffered enough already. Right now all you need to do is smile and be happy, you deserve that." His words soothe me. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted off of me.
"I don't hate you," I say sobbing. He rolls his eyes as he lets go of my hand. "I don't," I elbow him. He smiles, rubbing the corner of his chest. "I was just scared. My best friend had killed someone, and I saw him do it…I was allowed to be scared."
"Mmhmm. If only someone saw Mrs. Chrome killing Zack, we would be pretty much off the hook," he says, and get me on point with it.
"Wait…" I stand up immediately, and his eyes grow wide.
"If you are here, then who went to get the CCTV footage?"
He quietly stands at his feet. "Relax…" he says, dipping his finger in his back pocket.
"It's here," he says, showing the flash drive to me. I smile. "Let me get you home in one piece, shall we?" He says giving me his elbow, and I wrap my hand at the crook of it, then we match downstairs into the house. When we arrive at the living room, I see Lady Fish relaxing on the couch, watching Tom and Jerry. God, I love her for being her unapologetically. I rush to the couch and relax my head on her chubby chest. It is soft as a foam. I hear her chuckle, as she brushes my hair with the tips of her fingers. The chair sinks us further as Jeremy sits. He crossed his hand and leg, pretending to be a mature teenager that doesn't miss stuffing himself under Fish's arm.
Ladyfish drags him to herself, and he mumbles something.
"Did you know the show ended six years ago," She says. Watching Tom and Jerry again makes me want to go back to when I was five. Things were so easy and fun. I don't want to grow if being an adult means going through pain, hardship, and troubles.
"Too bad. I loved it," I say. I hate it when Tom and Jerry are getting along and something just provokes Tom to be the food chaser that he is. Tom sets a trap chees at Jerry's door, while Jerry sets a bomb trap behind him. As Tom drags his feet backward, he steps on the bomb and it explodes. We all burst into laughter. Jerry has always been the smartest, and Tom is basically the dumbest cat I know.
"I'm just wondering if Tom and Jerry ever became friends," Lady Fish says.
"It would have been great…" I say.
"Yeah, but that is not how the world works…" she says and I raise my head from her Chest, interested to know how the world actually works. She and Jeremy sit up. "If everyone in this world are friends, then there's nothing to live for. You won't have to go to school because the principal is your friend, he'll just give you a pass. Then you won't have to work because everyone at the market is your friend, they will just give it out to you free of charge. How about knowledge? How about experience, how about strength? You won't have any of those because it's of no use…"
"So it's better to have enemies?" I'm confused.
"Sometimes it's better to have someone chasing after you. It is better to have challenges and difficulty, it gives you purpose and it makes life interesting. Whether you like it or not, they are always going to be sad days, bad days, and stressful days. Embrace those trialing moments, Because one day, you are going to look back and see how strong and how far you've come."
"I guess you're right. But sometimes you feel helpless like there's no way out of that situation."
"That's where you get it wrong little dolphin," she strokes my hair. "No situation is permanent, even life itself ain't permanent. You just have to keep your head up, and play along…" It's starting to bug me. Why didn't I visit her all these years? She is the perfect person to make the depression go away. But because I spent all of my childhood here with Jeremy, and because I know she loves him, I thought coming to her was a bad idea.
"I'm sorry I didn't visit," I say.
"You're forgiven," she replies, and I smile. "It's just sad that the two children I've raised have been convicted and will be tried for murder, how proud you two have made me…" she trudges up from the couch and turns to face us. We aren't used to Lady Fish being angry with us because it happens once in a while. I and Jeremy share a gaze. Uh-oh.
"We didn't kill anyone, I promise…" I say, and she groans.
She looks at Jeremy. "Uhmmm…" Jeremy looks helpless and scared.
"Well, you see…."
"It was an accident, we didn't mean to," I plead.
"I know it was an accident, but stuff like this ain't easily forgiven. You two better go pray to the Lord that that girl forgives you because ain't nobody cares if it's an accident or not, you hear me?!" She scolds, and we horrifyingly nod.
JEREMY.
We stay at Lady Fish's house while the late hour creeps in, and stars and moon appear. I drop her in front of her house, in one piece, I think. She looks at the door with gloomy eyes.
"You okay?" I ask.
"Uhmm, yeah. It's not every day your father tells you how much he hates you," she says.
I remove my hands from my motorcycle and sit upright. "I know you think he hates you, but he doesn't. Actually, he loves you just like a father would love his daughter."
"You think so?" She asks, and I nod.
"The day Mikaela died, he wanted to take the blame. But I started stabbing her immediately and he positioned the camera." "He loves you, Anna. He might not show it, but if you think about it, you'll find out that he has done a lot of things for you."
She scoffs. "He wouldn't say these nice things about you, Why are you defending him?"
"I'm not," I start my motorcycle. "I'm only telling the Truth." I Zoom across to my house.
When I get inside, surprised, surprised, My mother is back from the fancy restaurant she went to 24 hours ago.
"Hey hon," she says, chopping veggies. "How was your day?" She asks like she hasn't been gone since yesterday.
"Fine," I utter as I approach her in the kitchen. "How was your dinner with the chief judge?" I ask.
She stops chopping. "Oh, it went splendidly." She fakes a smile.
"Of course." I pick an apple from the table. "I'd love to meet him," I say, and she grins even more.
"You'll see him tomorrow, in court," she says with a strict face.
My mother, a two-faced bastard. She can be all sweetie sweetie in one minute, and the next, She's like, asks me one more question and I'll cut your throat off. She's not bothered that I might be going to prison again. As a matter of fact, she looks relaxed. Oh dangerous Delilah, what have you done this time?
"Yeah, right." I stand up from the chair and walk to her. "Goodnight, Mother." A kiss on her cheek can do so much magic.
"My boy." She rubs her palm over my face. "Aren't you hungry? I'm making some veggie salad," she says. With the way she's going these past few days, I can't tell if she is going to poison me or not.
"Not really, I ate at Lady Fish's house," I say as I turn to leave.
"Lady Fish?!" She yells hitting the knife on the table. Her face blooms with red anger.
"Uhmmm." My heart is pounding uncontrollably. Do I say yes? Or…"Yeah," I drawl.
She breathes in. Then smile. "I'm glad you went to see her. Tell me, how is she doing? Is she fine?" She takes one step toward me, and I take a step back. Why is she asking? Why is she interested in Lady Fish's Health? But thinking about it, Lady Fish isn't doing that well.
"Actually, no." I bring back the steps I took. Mother and I are now a few feet apart. "I think she's sick?" I tell her, looking into her eyes, trying to understand her reaction.
Her eyes fall with gloom. "Oh." She goes back to chopping her salad.
"I'm so sorry to hear that," she says. She looks sorry, but that's what she wants you to think. I've known her since I was born, but yet I don't know her. Just when I'm trying to fix the puzzle, she manufactures another behavior that destroys everything. She's more than a sociopath. You can never tell when she's lying or when she's being honest.
"Yeah," I utter. "I'll be in my room," I say walking towards the stairs.
"Mhmm." I hear her mumble.
ARIANNA.
Morning wakes and I do as well. I hope today is the last day I wake up with a bothered heart. A knock on the door distracts me from roaming further.
"Come in," I groan. The door opens and closes, and Mom appears before me. Sitting legs crossed on my bed, I bring down my face.
Should I forgive her? I miss her so much. She sits at the edge of my bed, then she breathes in.
"So? Are you ready for the trial?"
"I don't know. I can't stop thinking what if things go wrong, and I end up in prison."
"You won't," Mr. Langford's voice brushes over the door as he steps in. I feel uncomfortable already. Is he going to say I deserve to go to prison? Is he going to tell me how much he hates me? He walks towards my bed and stands close to me. "I know I've not been much of a father to you, but I want you to know that every action and decision I have made so far is for your good and the betterment of this family." He looks at Mom. "Arianna," he squats down to me, "I love you, and I'll do everything in my power to see that my daughter doesn't end up in prison." I'm happy to hear him say he loves me for the first time in a long time, but why I'm I crying? And why does his words hurt so much? All I do is nod. While hugging me tightly. I cry even more because I can't remember when I last hugged my dad. Mom joins in, and we become heavy. I feel the pressure of a third person joining the hug. We hug for a minute, then we let go of each other, that is when I see Charity kneeling next to Mom.
"Well this doesn't happen too often," She teases and we all laugh.
Before I leave for court. I kneel at my bedside. My palms are together and my eyes are closed. Some prayers don't need words because there are so many pains that you can not begin to quote. You just close your eyes and think about the pain. The tears falling from your eyes become the message you pass to God and trust me, he'll understand them, and he'll know that the time of change has come. He will know that you can no longer bear it. He'll know the amount of sorrow and burden you carry around, and he will answer you.
Amen.