chapter 18
Jeremy hates poems, I mean, he's terrible at it. He always cusses under his breath whenever I read a poem. Professor Sheldon goes silent, just like everyone else. He stares at Jeremy like a repented sinner, or something like that.
"Yes, of course. Blow me away." It's weird to hear Professor Sheldon say stuff like that. He's usually the non-smiling-always serious kind of man.
"Uhm, okay," Jeremy utters. I can't believe I'm interested in something other than thinking about how I killed Mikaela. I hope he doesn't make a fool of himself.
"I'll go with the word PAIN," he says, and I raise my brows, just what I wanted to hear.
"I feel her, she feels me.
We cuddle and huddle, but I fuddle to think of how we got to this point.
Her hatred is mixed with unforgiving pains.
It's bitter, and it burns like hell.
I want her here, but she's everywhere and nowhere near.
Presence is nonsense when you don't make sense to someone you love.
How can I tell you without telling you how much you mean to me?
You threw me out, pushed me down, and even spit on me.
I don't blame you, I blame love for keeping me bonded to you.
I wanted you to see that, but you saw what you wanted because your eyes were blinded with pain and agony.
It pains me that you hate me but my heart is unscathed because somehow it beats for you.
All through his reading, he was staring into my eyes, even now, our eyes are still glued to each other. I understand poems very well, but I'm lost. I know he's referring to me, he said it all. But I don't hate him like he said. Even when I was yet to know the truth, there was a part of me that still cared about him. And I'm not saying all of this because he did five years for me, I'm saying it because it's the truth. Is there any way I can make up for my mistakes? The way I had treated him since his return has made me feel so small. He went through humiliation because of me. Oh God! Please forgive me. Something moist falls on my left cheek, as I wipe it, I find out that it fell from my eyes. Finally, the bell rings, and I am the first to rush out of class. I branch to my locker, sticking my chemistry textbook inside when Jeremy approaches me. His presence makes me feel unsettled, just like when he first got out of prison, but this time it's way worse.
"Hey," he says.
"Hey," I reply, Zipping up my school bag.
"Are you okay? Your eyes, they are…" Just as he draws closer, I step back.
"I'm fine." I put my bag over one shoulder.
He silently stares at me for a few seconds. "Of course," he utters. I don't want his best friend's affection towards me, I don't deserve it.
"Guys," Alisyn whispers as she walks towards us. She looks left and right in the hallway. "So? Are we set to go?" She asks. At first, I was lost, but now I get it.
"Yeah, let's go," Jeremy says, and Alisyn nods.
As they are about to take a step, "Uhmm…." I stop them, "I can't go with you guys," I say with a shaking voice. Jeremy widens his eyes.
"Argh, not you too. Matthew already benched, now you? Why do I feel like I'm the only one who cares so much about not going to prison?" She groans. I'd ask the same question. She's the only one who I'm certain won't be going to prison. But here she is, all worried and worked up.
"I just don't feel too well," I tell her. I have no idea why I'm explaining myself to her. Maybe it's because of guilt. She was right all along.
"Zack died, Arianna, nobody feels too well," she says and angrily walks away. Another silent gaze from Jeremy, this time it lasted for quite a while. As he finally walks away, I breathe out heavily.
I don't want to go home, but I want to be alone with someone who wouldn't judge me. If only I know someone like that, or do I? Lady Fish. Of course, Lady Fish is the sweetest person I have ever known since I was little. I guess I can hide at her place for a while.
I go to Lady Fish's house. Standing on the porch feels weird. Lady Fish was l and Jeremy's babysitter. Whenever our parents had somewhere to go they'd drop us off at her place. I loved it here because Lady Fish had no rules. You can eat as much candy as you want, and run around the house, and she even allows us to sit on the rooftop of the house. The rooftop is my favorite part of her house, it's closer to the sky and whenever I sit there it feels like I'm in a different world. The stars look bigger and the moon seems brighter. I want to sit on the rooftop and enjoy the feeling of being in another world.
I ring the doorbell. No response. I ring it again.
"Arghhh," I hear someone groan from the other side, then I hear the sound of footsteps approaching the front door. The door clicks, then it opens. Standing in front of me is a gray chubby, black woman who has a wrinkled forehead and a beautiful smiling face. She looks older than she was five years ago. And I feel terrible for not visiting all this while. She looks into my face like a short-sighted woman.
"Hi lady Fish." She looks lost for a brief moment but then her lips spread into a warm smile.
"Is that you, my little dolphin?" She asks.
It's been a while since someone call me that. "Yeah." I laugh as I nod. "But I'm not little anymore," I tell her.
"Ah! She thinks she's all grown now, just because she has two little oranges on her chest and had her first kiss," she drags her flip-flops on the tile, leaving the door open for me.
"They are not little." I look at my chest before stepping into the house. Her Palazzo pajamas tighten her thighs. She looks fatter than the last time I saw her. Has she been doing well all by herself? She picks up some pills from the table and swallows them with water. She turns to face me, and her eyes melt me down.
She sighs. "Go on to the rooftop, I'll get you some strawberry ice cream," she says, and I smile slightly.
"Thanks, Fish," I say.
"You're welcome my little…" she coughs, it comes out loud and thick, which makes me worry.
"You Okay?" I ask.
She coughs it out, "Yeah, yeah I'm fine," she says, and I doubtfully nod.
Climbing the stairs to the rooftop, it feels so small and scary. When I was little, the stairs were higher, but I wasn't this afraid. I guess I have changed a lot because the house hasn't changed a bit. I sit down and feel the tides of wind surfacing at me. The sky seems closer than before, it's as if I can touch it, but when I reach for it, I can't. I wish I remained a child, then I would have been so happy with Jeremy. We would be catered for, and we won't have to worry about a thing in our lives. Why do I have to grow? Why is life so difficult?
"Ice cream?" A voice calls me out of my thoughts, when I look to my right, I see Jeremy standing close to the opened roof, two cups of strawberry ice cream in his hands. How is he here? How did he know where to find me?
JEREMY.
I hear poems help convey emotions. I hope Arianna gets mine. She seemed off at school, and her eyes were red with swollen bags under them. I know her too well, when she's quiet it means they are a lot going through her mind. The last thing I want is to see her unhappy. As we get to Freeman's house, Mrs. Freeman is on her way out. She's dressed in a fine white jumpsuit, purse under her arms. I thought she was mourning, but I guess that was all a pretense.
"Going somewhere?" I ask her right before she can get into her car.
"What do you guys want now?"
"Mrs. Freeman, can we look into your…"
"I forgot my jacket yesterday, we are here to pick it up." I cut Alisyn short.
"What?!" Both she and Alisyn exclaim.
She sighs. "I can swear you weren't putting on a jacket yesterday," she says.
"Who said I was putting it on?" I ask, and she looks at me skeptically.
"Fine, I'll let you go inside, but you have one minute to get your jacket," she air-quotes, and I smile. She walks us back into the house. While she waits downstairs, Alisyn and I go up. We enter Zack's room.
"You better start ex–" I shut her mouth with my palm.
"Shhh," I say, placing a finger across my lips. She's so confused that she can no longer nod. I remove my palm from her mouth, and I gently open the door. I peep from it and see that Mrs. Freeman's focus is off Zack's room. I stress out my hand to Alisyn, but it takes her a while before taking my hand. When I get a hold of her hand, we rush out of Zack's room to the next one. Damn, what a room. It looks bigger than my house. It's a king-sized bed, neatly arranged. A wedding picture of Mr. and Mrs. Freeman stands on the right side of the nightstand, while the picture of the Three of them hugging each other —is standing on the left side of the bed. The black curtains make the room look dark. Just as I spot a laptop at the study table that's close to the window, I dash to it. I open the laptop and unlock it with the code 14443. There are a lot of things you can learn from juvie, that's if you come out alive. First, it's the house number which is 144, then it's the age, which I guess to be 43 years old. Mr. Freeman does look like a man in his early 40s. I tap on the CCTV camera footage and search for the date Zack died. March 14th. A series of videos appears. If only I had enough time I would check out what really happened at the Freeman's house the whole of March 14th, but I don't have that time. I connect my phone to the system and send the footage with the time interval of 12:00, 12:10, and 12:15. We frightfully wait for the transaction to complete. 50% and it's already past the one minute she gave to me. 60%. I can hear Alisyn's heavy breathing. I hate to put her in this situation, but this is our only way out. We hear Mrs. Freeman's heel knocking up the stairs. I and Alisyn share a horrifying look. When I look at my phone, it's only 86%
"Jeremy," Alisyn whispers my name, I raise my head at her, and she shakes hers. I can't quit, not now. The footsteps approach closer and it gets louder, but it pauses as a ringtone bursts out.
"Hello?" I hear her voice loud and clear like she's standing right outside the door. I look at my phone again 99%. "I'll be right there," I hear her say. The knob twists, and my heart skips, while Alisyn looks like she's about to peep on her pants. Just before the door opens, I exit from the CCTV camera app and shut the system close. We rush towards the door and she opens it to our face.
Her face consort with anger. "What are you doing here?" She groans,
but try to be polite.
"Looking for my jacket," I tell an obvious lie. I feel Alisyn's hand shaking around my arm, and I hold onto it.
She sighs. "So? Did you find it?" She asks. I don't know who is worse, Delilah or her. How can she be this calm in a situation like this? She knows I'm lying, and she knows she isn't innocent, but still, she acts like she has nothing to hide.
"You were right, I just remember that I wasn't putting on a Jacket yesterday," I say, and she smiles.
"Good to know. Can you please step out," she says, and we do as she says. She locks the door with a key and shoves it into her purse. When she's done, she grins at me and Alisyn, then proceeds to the stairs. "I would love to offer some tea, but now isn't a perfect time," she says, climbing downstairs. I and Alisyn share a confusing gaze.
"Well, I'm guessing there's somewhere important you need to be," I say behind her.
She opens the door and steps to the side for us to step out. "Not really, just business," she says, and Alisyn steps out first. I stare at her for a few seconds, trying to figure out what she's hiding. But she hides it so well that you can't detect mere looking at her poker face.
"Of course," I say before stepping out. I start my bike engine and wait for Alisyn to climb on it. Mrs. Freeman stands beside her car, waiting for us to leave before she can get in. Just before I ride out of Freeman's yard, Mrs. Freeman gives me a warm-hearted smile that I can't wrap my head around. First of all, I drop Alisyn at her house. She climbs down from the bike and removes the helmet, she hits it to my chest, glaring at me.
"I'm sorry," I apologize and I take hold of the helmet.
"You're sorry, what did you think would have happened if we were caught?" She groans.
"I guess we'll never find out," I tell her, and she scowls at me. "But seriously though, I've never seen you so scared."
"I wasn't scared," she eyeballs me. "I was just…you know, worried, that's all."
I try not to laugh. "Okay, I believe you," I tell her, and she smiles. "Thank you though, for always sticking by me." Alisyn has been a true friend, and it's something hard to find these days.
"Of course, anytime Jeremy, I'm here for you," she says with gleaming eyes. I'm sorry that I can't see her the way she sees me. All these years all she ever wanted was for me to look at her with affection and say the three words. I pretend that I'm not aware of her feelings toward me because the relationship I have with her is important to me, and I don't want anything to screw that up.
"See you in court tomorrow," I say, starting my bike.
She breathes in. "See you in court then," she says, and I take off.
Arriving home, I spot Elizabeth outside her house, looking down the street. I park my motorcycle in the driveway. I climb out from it, then I remove my helmet. Elizabeth looks unsettled. Her hands are crossed at her chest, and her eyes have not departed from down the street. I'm starting to sense that something is wrong, with the way Anna acted at school and the posture Elizabeth is posing, something feels off. She makes a side turn, and her eyes meet mine. I raise my hand to wave, but something pulls it back down. Her chest rises and falls, then she starts approaching me. Watching her striding towards me makes my head all busy. What have I done wrong this time?
"Hey." She exhales, standing just a few feet from me. Her eyes match with Anna's, heavy and stained.
"Hey," I repeat after her.
"Uhm, did you talk to Arianna at school today?" She asks, a bit anxious.
"Yeah, why?" I ask curiously.
"Because she knows," She says, and I'm lost.
"Know about what?"
"That the world is coming to an end!" She groans. "What in the world was she not supposed to know?"
A lot of things, but I guess one of the kitties is out of the bag. "But how?" I ask. That must be the reason for her upside-down attitude at school today.
"It's not important. I'm worried about her, Jeremy. She's not back yet," she says anxiously. Elizabeth has always been this paranoid when Arianna is one minute late for anything.
"Relax, school just closed, I'm sure she's on her way home," I say, trying to comfort her.
"Yeah, right," she says Shaking her head, "She's been on her way for the past one hour," She let out her frustration. Elizabeth is right to be worried. Arianna wasn't acting normal. I'm sure she's somewhere by herself, reflecting on this. I can't imagine how she must feel, the guilt, the pain. She must be frustrated. I never wanted her to find out, not like this at least. She's the type who lets emotions drain her. She torments herself by being alone. Whenever I have a playdate with Mikaela at Lady Fish's house, she gets jealous and goes up to the rooftop, that's basically her hideout. "Her hideout." It becomes clear to me where she might be. I hurry onto my motorcycle.
"Where-where are you going?" Elizabeth asks.
"Hey, I'll bring her home, I promise."
"In one piece?" She asks with a glint of hope. It's hard to say, Anna has been broken into a thousand pieces right from when she was 9 years old. "Yeah, in one piece," I tell her what she wants to hear, then drive off.