Chapter 17: The Insurance
Amidst the shroud of isolation and the palpable weight of regret, I found myself navigating a turbulent sea of self-doubt and anxiety. It was a period marked by avoidance and excommunication from many of my friends, a consequence of my own toxic behavior and prideful nature. I understood their stance completely—why would anyone want to associate with someone who had embodied the epitome of unpleasant traits? I was listed as the undesirable number one.
During lectures, as the professor imparted their lesson, a sudden strangling sensation gripped my chest. It was as if I were submerged underwater, gasping for air with an invisible noose tightening around my neck. Hastily, I fled outside, desperate to regain control of my breathing, to find solace in the simplicity of inhaling and exhaling. This was my first encounter with an anxiety attack—a torment that would recur relentlessly over the ensuing months. Each familiar face—a fleeting glance of Melisandre, Jackie, Charlize—felt like a dagger to my heart, a reminder of my failures and the fractures I had caused. I said to myself "I need to try out new things, scary things to take my mind off of this. Else, I'm gonna go mental."
In a bid to escape this mental maelstrom, I resolved to venture into uncharted territories. Learning to drive, delving into anime, embracing new sports—these were my chosen distractions, my lifelines in the tempest of my thoughts and emotions. Surprisingly, amidst the solitude, one steadfast friend emerged as my pillar of support—Joseph, an unexpected ally from within the friend group. His calm demeanor and objective insights anchored me during our exchanges, whether it was a casual trip to the mall or sharing thoughtful discussions.
In contrast, Dane, while preoccupied with his girlfriend and personal pursuits, maintained a quiet but steadfast presence, his actions speaking louder than words. These two, Joseph and Dane, became my cornerstones in a college world where I felt disconnected and tainted by shame. Yet, beyond the college confines, I found unwavering support from my high school friends, David, Dennis, Jasmin, and Bea, who stood by me through thick and thin, offering empathy, wisdom, and unwavering loyalty.
Their steadfast belief that mistakes do not define permanence resonated deeply. They told me that "Doing something wrong does not brand me as a bad guy forever. You are not okay now, but you will be okay one day."
Jackie, Charlize, and the rest of my friends were still kind to me. Likewise, they are still friends with Melisandre. I believe that the way things are is just right. As she too is in the phase of hurting and pain. I have come to realize that even if we may no longer be together, I still wish the best on her behalf. I still care about her well-being and career path. I wish her well, sincerely hoping she would find the happiness and the fulfillment she deserved.
In the crucible of my personal growth, I learned that redemption was not found in isolation but in the steadfast support of true friends and the courage to confront my flaws. Each day became a step towards healing, towards becoming the person my loyal friends believed I could be—a journey of redemption and renewal, where mistakes were lessons and empathy prevailed over pride.