well-well

The six captured enemy Ninja were glaring angrily at the Konoha Shinobi, in the middle of their mission near Lightning Country. These included Ino, Hinata, Sasuke, Kiba, Asuma, Kurenai, Naruto, Joker and Harley.

"Right now, we need to find out what they know." Asuma started.

"Leave that to us!" Joker grinned. Well, he grinned more then usual.

"HAH! Like we will ever talk!"

Joker merely stood before the Ninja, who were sitting in a half circle. Naruto walked up to him.

"Why hello there junior. Say, how have your outside missions been lately?"

"Oh they've been great dad. But golly, it IS really a shame that I cannot bring my favorite stuff along. You always have all the fun back at home."

The Joker's face took on a twisted parody of stage-sad. "Aww, that is too bad. But don't feel sad!" His face lightened up. "For I have a NEW invention, just what you need!"

Naruto's face lightened up beyond human possibility. Harley walked into view, sashaying her hips into a seductive walk while holding a scroll regally in front of her.

"Presenting; The Joker's New Portaquarium Ferocious!" He pointed with his entire hand. Naruto's hands went to his cheeks, mouth open.

"Yes sir" he went back to his audience. "You too can now bring with you one of my most favorite toys. No more big and bulky home-edition installations. NO! This new Portaquariom is set up and ready in less than three minutes, and packs up just as quickly, ready on the go!"

"But dad, how does it work?"

"Why simple, Junior, as Mommy here will demonstrate."

Harley, once more in the spotlight, posed with the scroll in her hand, showing it to the crowd. Both Konoha and Kumo did not know what was going on, just observing the eerie infomercial. As Harley began the actions, slowly and clearly so that all could watch, Joker narrated.

"It is easy, really. First, you locate a tree with a big, strong branch. Next, you open the scroll. Take notice that it is a SPECIAL and High quality sealing scroll with Stasis Seals. First, you unseal the harness." A leather and metal harness popped out.

"Next, you attach the harness to the tree, making sure that it can be lowered and raised smoothly. After all if you discover that it gives you problems later on, the trouble JUST isn't worth it! Next, we need a volunteer. Yes, you sir!"

He pointed at one of the enemy ninja. Naruto went and dragged him over. He was tied up.

"Now we raise him up, and unseal the second part."

What came out next was just too weird. And creepy. Definitely creepy. It was an aquarium that measured one point five meters by one point five, by one point five. The aquarium was on wheels as to be maneuverable. Inside, however, were thirty or so fish. What was disturbing was that each of the fish had a smile filled with gruesomely sharp teeth.

"Next we ride the cart under the volunteer, and dunk him feet-first knee-deep into the water!"

The screams haunted even the most experienced Jounins for a good three years.

The Laughing Fox

by Lord Dragon Claw

Disclaimer: My memory isn't so good... HEY LOOK! A DISCLAIMER!

Key: "Japanese." ")English.("

Chapter Five: Ding!

Kurenai got up as early as she usually did, and got ready to face the three Genin who had been entrusted to her. This would be her second assignment as a Jounin with the first being attempting to teach Kurama Yakumo; since Yakumo couldn't handle her powers of genjutsu, Kurenai had to seal the young girl's powers away.

Enough of the past, thought the red-eyed Jounin. Focus on the present.

Kurenai hoped that she could bring Hinata's self-esteem up. But the young Hyuga girl wasn't the only one that she worried about. Shino didn't like to talk much and seemed to be suppressing his emotions. Naruto... well, he was an Uzumaki. Uzumakis were all psychotic. Naruto also seemed to be impatient, impulsive, and predictable. He was going to be difficult to train.

Kurenai knew that Naruto would likely use chemistry and a few odd devices. Hinata, if she was confident enough, would try to use the Hyuga clan's Juuken style to fight. For Shino she was bringing bug spray. She knew he was more complex than that, but at least she could keep the swarms away from her for awhile.

Finally ready with all of her gear, she left for Training Field 42. She arrived during the pre-dawn light to see that Naruto was already waiting. And he was brushing his teeth.

"Have Shino and Hinata not shown up yet?"

"Shino was here before me," began the blonde. "We waited for a while, but neither Hinata nor you had shown up. Shino volunteered to go get Hinata as I am not welcome anywhere near the Hyuga estate. Oh? Here they come."

The Jounin turned around to see that Naruto was right.

A few minutes later, Kurenai had them lined up, and began explaining the test.

"You may have passed the tests at the Academy, but you have yet to pass my test. My test is quite simple." She pulled a pair of bells out of her pocket and an alarm clock out another pocket. She set the clock to go off at noon. "You have from the time I say 'go' until it is noon to take these bells from me. Each person who gets a bell will be allowed to pass. Whoever doesn't get a bell gets sent back to the Academy. Not only that, but whoever doesn't get a bell will also have to skip lunch."

"Wait," said Shino. "There are only two bells."

"That's right. It means at least one of you will be sent back to the Academy regardless. Additionally, you should come at me with killer intent, or else you won't win. Any more questions?"

"Yeah," said Naruto, still holding his toothbrush. "When do we start?"

Kurenai attached the bells to her belt. "We start now. GO!"

With that, Shino and Hinata disappeared into the foliage of the trees. Naruto went back to brushing his teeth.

"Naruto, we already started."

"Yeah. I know." Naruto then finished brushing his teeth and spit the excess saliva and toothpaste from his mouth. He then did something Kurenai did not expect: he reversed this grip on the toothbrush to reveal that the other end of it was a kunai.

"May the Floss be with you!" called out the blonde as he threw the deadly plaque-remover straight at her head.

Kurenai dodged the projectile. When it collided with a small rock behind her, the blade of the weapon/tool broke easily, releasing a small amount of acid that corroded the rock and killed the grass around it. In the meantime, Kurenai hit Naruto with a powerful genjutsu, one that showed the deaths of everyone he ever met.

Naruto paused. His omnipresent grin disappeared. He looked around at the horror.

"Not bad," he said. "Not bad."

Stunned, the Jounin didn't even move by the audacity that the little punk had to not see the excellence of her... Suddenly, Kurenai realized that he wasn't appraising the genjutsu, but the way that the illusion was portraying the deaths of people. On top of that, he was doing it to piss her off.

Calm, she thought. Calm. They likely thought this out beforehand. Naruto's trying to get me to make a mistake and... wait, how could they have known about the bell tests? Did someone leak information to them or... Ah! I get it! Shino is sometimes seen reading a research book. He could have read the public record of the Sannin as written by the Sandaime. Shino must have pieced it together!

"That one could use quite a bit of work. Stabbed in the heart? That one's been done to death. Slit throat? Now they're just beating a dead horse with that one. They should at least kill a few by beating them with a dead horse. Well, I'm bored."

Naruto pulled out a kunai and stabbed his hand. The shock of the pain dispelled the genjutsu.

"What? You stayed in one place the whole time? Are you sure you're a Jounin? I thought you'd at least get behind me or something!"

"You should know better than to insult your superiors," retorted the woman.

Kurenai then quickly made a few hand seals and used Doton: Retsudotenshou (Earth Release: Surrounding Palm of the Split Earth) to fire several rocks in Naruto's direction. Naruto wouldn't be able to dodge them all, but she did leave enough time for him to use kawarimi no jutsu (substitution no jutsu). However, that is not what Naruto did. He made three hand seals: snake then boar and then monkey. Then he placed his left hand straight into the air with the palm facing skyward.

")Caustic Barrier( no jutsu!" Naruto spun around once, surrounding himself with a green acidic substance in the shape of a sphere. The rocks bounced off of the barrier, and, as some of them landed, Kurenai could see that whatever his barrier was made of, it was acidic. Kurenai began to prepare her next jutsu when Naruto made his next move. As he did, Shino and Hinata dove further into the foliage, like Naruto warned them to.

")Caustic Barrier Conversion: Caustic Bomb( no jutsu!" called out the twelve-year-old boy. The barrier exploded outwards, covering nearly everything in acid. Kurenai saw only one way to avoid it - by going underground.

"Come out!" called Naruto in a sickeningly high-pitched voice. "Come out! Come out wherever you are!"

"Doton: Shinju Zanshu no jutsu!" (Earth Release: Underground Decapitation no Jutsu)

Suddenly, Kurenai's hands reached out of the ground and grasped Naruto by the ankles and pulled him underground so that just his head was sticking above the ground.

Kurenai walked around the Genin, bells jingling. She shook her head.

"You know nothing of subtlety or tact, do you?"

"What do interrogation techniques have to do with fighting?" asked Naruto in a mockingly innocent tone.

Shino heard his cue. He threw eight shuriken and five kunai at Kurenai.

"That's not the only application of..." TH-TH-TH-THUNK! The sound of thirteen sharp metal objects hitting a human-sized object was heard.

At first, it seemed as though the stabbity implements of death had hit the Jounin, but Naruto looked to see that the weapons had simply hit a log. Kurenai had used kawarimi no jutsu.

Kurenai attacked Shino in the tree only to find that it was a mushibunshin (bug clone). The swarm of parasitic insects began moving towards Kurenai. Kurenai pulled out her can of bug spray and killed the majority of the insects. The rest fled. She then began tracking Shino to discover his location.

Meanwhile, Naruto concentrated on his chakra and managed to generate some corrosive fluids from his sweat glands. The soil around him began to break down and so he stopped emitting chemicals. He managed to get his right arm free when Hinata took his hand and helped him out.

"Thanks," said Naruto, making the girl blush. "Where's Kurenai-sensei and Shino?"

Using the Byakugan, Hinata spotted them both. "Kurenai-sensei is tracking a mushibunshin and Shino is sneaking up on her. Oh! Seems she fell into that tiger trap we placed there. No wait... Kurenai-sensei used kawarimi and now she's spotted the real Shino! They're coming back this way!"

"Ah," thought Naruto. "This changes the plan significantly. Hinata? Go hide and wait for an opportunity. I'll get our sensei off of Shino's back so you two can regroup. I have an idea. Kagebunshin!"

Naruto created eleven shadow clones. He and the clones hid while Hinata returned to her hiding place. Naruto also idly noticed that his hand was already healed. After Shino ran through the clearing, Kurenai jumped into the area, quickly noticing that Naruto wasn't in the ground anymore. Suddenly, Naruto and ten of his clones dog-piled her. The final clone caught up with Shino to ask about the situation.

"Did you plant the bug?" asked the clone.

"Yes. Her genjutsu is almost nullified now that we can track her."

"Good. Get into position." POOF! The clone was gone.

Meanwhile, Naruto discovered that Kurenai was no slouch when it came to taijutsu. It certainly wasn't her strong suite, but she was still quite skilled in martial arts. She had already dispatched eight of the clones. The last two clones managed to push her back as Naruto reached into his black coat with his right hand. She dispatched the pair of clones in time to get hit in the face with a carp. A live carp. And it hurt.

She was stunned.When did he get this from the river? Or was he carrying it around all morning? No, it wouldn't be alive if he did.

"Curious?" asked Naruto. "It's called Fish Fu. My father invented the style." He pulled out a mackerel, which flopped around in the boy's iron grip. "We keep several aquariums of fish and other water creatures in our basement. All the tanks are linked to special scrolls my father made using what little knowledge he had of seals. It functions like a sealing scroll, except it simply conjures the fish to my location."

He then swung the fish at Kurenai. She dodged and backpedaled. Naruto then threw the fish at her. He reached into his coat with his left and pulled out a clownfish. She dodged that one when he threw it. He then started throwing fish two at a time. She was getting pelted by some of the fish. Bass, salmon, catfish, crawfish, crab, sunfish, boot...

Wait... what?thought Naruto. The boot hit Kurenai in the head, knocking her down.

Naruto looked at the inside of his jacket in genuine puzzlement. "How did that get in there?"

"That's it!" said Kurenai. "Magen: Kunaigakure!" (Demonic Illusion: Hidden Kunai)

Kurenai disappeared from Naruto's view. Shino also couldn't locate her with his own eyes. The genjutsu was so powerful, even Hinata couldn't see through it.

Naruto was suddenly knocked to the ground, his forehead protector falling off. It was apparent that he had been kicked in the head.

Deciding to help Naruto out, Shino used Mushiyose no jutsu (Bug Gathering no jutsu) to add more insects to his swarm, and then sent them after the female bug as planned.

"Is that all you got?" said Naruto in a cocky tone even though such tactics had simply gotten him a broken nose, a black eye, some flesh wounds in his legs, and a stubbed toe. He suddenly had the wind knocked out of him when Kurenai punched him in the stomach. Naruto quickly regained his breath as the Jounin didn't hit anywhere near as hard as his father, much less his mother. "That was weak!"

Sharp pain entered his shoulder as his toothbrush kunai from earlier was jammed in his left forearm, broken blade and all. Naruto screamed out.

Then, Shino's bugs entered the fray, all of them trying to get at the female bug on the small of Kurenai's back. She managed to spray most of them. Assuming that their retreat earlier was a behavioral pattern, she ignored the small clusters of insects that she missed.

Hinata and Shino had discussed where to place the bugs on Kurenai's body earlier that morning, before the bell test. Therefore, once all the bugs were in position, Hinata knew where Kurenai was and where most of her organs were. Hinata took this opportunity to attack. She rushed in to sever the tendons in the Jounin's shoulders, but Kurenai was too fast and used akido to use Hinata's own momentum and weight to toss the poor girl over Naruto's head. Realizing her genjutsu was somehow now worthless, Kurenai dropped the illusion.

Naruto had finally managed to pull his toothbrush out of his arm. He also managed to get all the pieces of it out by simply using another kunai to cut a huge chunk of his flesh out of his arm. Naruto focused his chakra and his wounds quickly regenerated to the point that he could now use his left arm again.

Seeing Kurenai and Hinata fighting each other with taijutsu, Naruto decided to enter the fray. He made two hand seals: horse and then monkey.

")Caustic Fist( no jutsu!" Green acidic fluids materialized around his hands and feet. Naruto rushed forward and joined the fight. Kurenai was impressed by the strange jutsu Naruto kept displaying.

Meanwhile, Shino kept trying to use Mushiyose no jutsu to gather more insects, but to no avail. Shino decided that most of the bugs in the area were dead and stopped trying to gather them together. Seeing a taijutsu battle, Shino opted to attack with his kunai and shuriken from a distance. As he started pulling several of the objects out of his battle pouch, Kurenai did something unexpected: she used Katon: Goukakyuu no jutsu (Fire Release: Grande Fireball no jutsu). The ball of flame hit Naruto and kept on going, right towards Shino. Shino used kawarimi to escape.

It was at this point that the alarm clock rang.

Naruto ended up tied to a post. Though he had suffered serious burns, he was fine. And his clothing seemed to be fire-proof as well...

"That was deplorable," said Kurenai. "Using Naruto as a distraction might have worked in the Academy, but it won't work in the real world. Now, I'm going to give you three another chance..."

"Really?" asked Naruto, interrupting his sensei. Kurenai blinked.

"Yes," she said hesitantly. Naruto slammed the back the heel of his boot into the post. CLICK! TWANG! Kurenai was suddenly entangled in four nets.

"GET THE BELLS!" commanded Naruto. Both Shino and Hinata jumped on the Jounin and ripped the bells off of the woman's belt.

Kurenai sat up and simply stared at Naruto dumbfoundedly.

He began to laugh. "Hee-hahahaha-haha-hahaaa!! We got you! That was great! I figured I would get tied to the post, so I planned ahead and put triggers for traps on all three. If we got the bells beforehand, fine, but the plan worked almost perfectly!"

"Here... Naruto... um... take my bell... please?"

"No, Hinata. You keep it! I insist! And Shino, don't you dare give your bell to me either." The Aburame child stopped trying to hand Naruto his bell. "I can torture Iruka-sensei for another year."

"Pass," said Kurenai.

"What?" asked all three of the Genin in unison.

"All three of you passed. It was a test to see if you could function as a team. Since the three of you worked so well together, even helping each other when I was about to overpower one of you, you managed to pass. I was going to force you three to work together a bit more and play some more mind games with you just to make you earn your rank, but the fact that you caught me using an elaborate trap has convinced me otherwise. Now would you please cut me free from these stupid nets so that I can report to the Hokage?"

Elsewhere, Kiba had been tied to the post (with Akamaru tied to the back of it) and Kakashi was lecturing them on their performance. He then told them that he would give them one more chance after lunch and that they were not to feed Kiba or his dog.

Immediately after Kakashi "left", Sasuke offered to give Kiba some of his food. Sakura fed Akamaru.

Suddenly, Kakashi reappeared.

"You have disobeyed a direct order just to help out your teammate," he said, sounding ominous and angry. "Such behavior could get you in trouble with your superiors someday. Refusing to leave a teammate behind could cost you your mission. But that's the exact reason why I'm passing you three..." Akamaru barked. "... four."

Later that day, Kurenai asked Naruto where his conjuring scroll was. Naruto informed her that the inside of his jacket was both a conjuring scroll and a sealing scroll. He explained that his father found that it didn't matter what the seal was written on, so long as it was written in black ink. Naruto also explained that the palms of his gloves were advanced sealing scrolls where he kept certain weapons for easy use. Like cyanide pies.

He also explained to her that he had chakra-powered joy buzzers in his gloves and that he was aware of the Kyubi, though it feared him. He intentionally didn't mention Clarisse.

Team 8 went on many D-Rank missions, ranging from finding the cat named Tora to hauling lumber to washing windows over the course of a few weeks.

At this time, Team 8 was in the Mission Office to accept another mission.

"Let's see," said the Sandaime. "There's Mrs. Kurosaki's yard that needs to be weeded... Mr. Yamada wants his kids to be babysat... oh yeah, not a mission for Team 8! There's catching that cat again..."

"You mean Tora?" asked Naruto.

"Yeah," answered Iruka-sensei who was helping manage the Mission Office.

"I'll strangle him before handing him back to his owner - that way he can't run away anymore."

"Another mission that shall not be offered to Team 8 ever again..." said the Hokage.

"Guess what!" said Naruto excitedly.

"What?" asked the Hokage.

"I'm bored," the boy said in a perfectly serious tone.

The Hokage remembered what happened the last time Naruto was bored. It wasn't a pretty picture. Naruto had used ox blood to write humorous messages on both sides of nearly every door in town. The smell was horrible.

Kurenai also remembered that time. Shino remembered it and laughed inwardly. Hinata remembered that her door was one of the few that he didn't put blood on, though the rest of Hyuga estate was practically coated with it.

"Give them a C-Rank this time," said the Sandaime to Iruka.

"Well, let's see... there's this one. A bridge-builder from the Wave Country needs a few people to protect him and his workers from bandits during the rest of the construction."

"We'll take it," said Kurenai.

"Yeah, we'll go with that," agreed Naruto.

"Um... okay..." said Hinata.

Shino simply nodded.

"Alright Tazuna," called Iruka. "We have a team for you."

An old man wearing a mason's clothing entered the room from a waiting room. He was balding and holding a sake bottle.

"This is the team?" he asked.

"That is correct, Mr. Tazuna," replied the Hokage.

"They look weak, especially the short one!"

Suddenly, the sake bottle fell to the ground as Tazuna was tied up with ninja wire. Naruto then touched his palm and a coconut custard crème pie appeared in it. Naruto then shoved the pie into the old man's face.

"I'll meet you guys outside," said Naruto cheerily as he left the room. Kurenai chased after him.

In the hall, Kurenai caught up to the blonde.

"You didn't kill him, did you?"

"No, that was a regular pie. Even I know better than to kill the client before the mission is over."

Meanwhile, Hinata was cleaning the pie off of Tazuna's face as Shino was untangling the ninja wire.

"A word of advice," whispered Shino into the old man's ear. "Never piss off the psychopath."

As they left the village, Kurenai noticed a puddle on the path as they walked. It hadn't rained in weeks and there hadn't been any cloud cover for the past few days. She knew something was up.

They continued walking, Tazuna whining about the loss of his sake bottle, Shino being silent as ever, Hinata stealing glances at Naruto, and Naruto drinking out of a sake bottle. Wait... sake bottle!?

"Why did you have to destroy my sake?" asked Tazuna, addressing Naruto.

"Would you like to try my drink?" offered Naruto with a sadistic grin on his face. "It's some powerful stuff!"

Before Tazuna could answer, Kurenai interrupted. "Naruto, what is in the bottle?"

"Sulfuric acid."

"What's that?" asked Tazuna, as he was unknowledgeable about chemistry.

"Let me explain it," began Naruto. "IN SONG!

"Johnny was a chemist,

"A chemist he is no more;

"For what he thought was aech-two-oh

"Was aech-two-ess-oh-four!"

Tazuna put together that the formula Naruto just mentioned was this "sulfuric acid".

"So is it a poison?" he asked.

Naruto looked at him like he was an idiot. "It's one of the most powerful acids."

Naruto took another swig of the bottle. "Ah! Good stuff! Burns all the way down!"

Tazuna leaned over to Kurenai and started whispering. "Why isn't he dead?"

"It's his family's kekkei genkai apparently," she whispered back. "They use acids and poisons as their primary weapons and consume said substances to enhance the poisons and acids their bodies produce naturally."

Suddenly, a pair of Kiri'nin leapt out of the trees and attacked. Kurenai pulled Tazuna out of the way. Hinata ducked while cursing herself for not noticing their presence. Shino backed up while calling his insects out. Naruto? He smashed the bottle on the face of one of the enemy ninja (to be more specific, it was on Meizu, the younger of the brothers). He screamed in pain as the acid scarred him for the rest of his life. The other brother, Gouzu, attempted to stab the blonde for hurting his brother.

Naruto redirected the claws that Gouzu was wearing so that they would only stab him in the arm. Naruto grabbed the guy's face and gave it a light tan. ZZZZAP!

Soon, both the brothers had been disarmed and tied up for questioning. Naruto insisted that he do it himself. He sent Kurenai, Hinata, and Tazuna up ahead so that they wouldn't hear the pain he was about to inflict. Shino, who always wanted to put someone to the question, stayed to help out. Naruto separated the brothers so that they couldn't see each other.

But before he did, he had something to say to them: "Welcome to Fire Country! I will be your inquisitor for the day. You may not think I can do much, but my father is the notorious )Mr. J(."

At the mention of that name, both the brothers became very nervous. They had heard of this )Mr. J( in the Bingo Book, and had hoped to never get caught by the man. But now the man's son had caught them. Their imaginations took them to various states of panic. Meanwhile, Naruto decided to interrogate Meizu first.

Screams of pain could be heard for quite a distance as Naruto worked on Meizu. Strangely enough, Naruto didn't ask any questions. Suddenly, Naruto stopped and came back to question Gouzu. The older brother's screams of agony carried farther than his brother's. Naruto stopped again without asking any questions.

Curious, Shino had to ask why. "Why aren't you asking them questions? And why are you stopping just before you break them?"

"When I break them, I'm going to have them break spectacularly! But I'm going to start questioning now."

After an hour, Naruto had gotten all the information he wanted. Besides, at that time an ANBU squad had arrived to take over. The ANBU members had orders to take these two brothers to Ibiki and Joker.

The information Naruto pulled out of them was useful. Apparently, the Gatou Syndicate had taken over the Wave Country. Tazuna was building a bridge so that Gatou wouldn't have a monopoly on trade. Gatou hired the Demon Brothers, Gouzu and Meizu, as well as a Jounin and another ninja, all of whom were nukenins (missing ninja) from Kiri, the Hidden Mist Village.

Naruto relayed all this information to Kurenai, who was understandably angry at Tazuna.

"You endangered us by lying about what kind of mission this was," she said calmly. Even though it was calm, it was scary to hear her say it the way she did. "You had it registered as a C-Rank; however, it happens to be an A-Rank mission. Why?"

To Naruto's perspective, Tazuna went into a long-winded pity story about how they didn't have enough money to afford to buy an A-Rank, and his daughter and her son were in danger, blah blah blah etc.

"We'll still do the mission," said Kurenai, much to Tazuna's surprise (and Shino's and Hinata's). "It's because it's the right thing to do. Besides, you have no idea how much trouble Naruto will cause if we don't go."

Naruto grinned.