Of Heroes and Perverts

There was a certain white-haired ninja who had heard a great deal about his student's son. Something about psychopaths or some other such. Jiraiya had taken it upon himself to find out if the seal had weakened.

He was impressed by the various traps around the Uzumaki Estate. Step on the grass and the little statues try to kill you. Then there was the ridiculous number of tiger traps, net launchers, senbon and kunai launchers, and snares all over the lawn. In fact, the only safe place seemed to be the path leading up to the front door.

Jiraiya learned the hard way to not step on the pink stone. Especially since the shock caused him to fall onto the grass, incurring the wrath of several of the ugly little statues with pointy hats.

The Gama-sennin knew it was going to be a looooong day.

In another universe, a group of heroes prepared for a journey to bring a criminal to justice. They had finally managed to calculate where their clownish perpetrators ended up.

Superman, using what he knew of Kryptonian technology and enlisting the aid of a few of the most technologically adept superheroes, as well as the advice of Dr. Fate and the Atom, had rebuilt the Interdimensional Gate. Unfortunately, they could only carry six people through it at any time. Four would have to go in and retrieve the Joker and Harley Quinn. Batman was an obvious choice, and Nightwing (Dick Grayson) accepted Bruce's invitation to come along - they both knew the Joker better than anyone else. The Green Lantern (John Stewart) joined them to add the power of his ring to capturing the clown duo. Finally, J'onn J'onzz, the Martian Manhunter, volunteered for the dual-purpose of recon and to activate the return beacon upon completion of their mission.

When the Gate opened, the shimmering, watery surface displayed what appeared to be a parody of Mt. Rushmore. J'onn, John, Dick, and Bruce stepped through the portal into a brand-new world...

Well, new to them, at the very least.

Jiraiya was frustrated, but also afraid. The woman's glare was very frightening when she had caught him peeking on her dressing into a skin-tight, red and black bodysuit. She was dragging him by the foot down into the basement after having hit him pretty hard on the head with a humongous hammer. Or was it a mallet? Didn't matter anyway - she had slapped a chakra-suppressant seal (interesting that she had one) onto his chin and tied him up with ninja wire.

She was muttering something in a language he hadn't heard much of before (it did remind him of what Guy and Lee sometimes shouted to the heavens) but from the tone it promised a great deal of torment followed by a slow and painful death. No, not pleasant mutterings at all.

"Joker," she said, once they completed their trek into the basement. "Honey. Look what I found in our house."

While the man, who looked like he was wearing some sort of face paint that, from what Jiraiya could tell, was actually his natural complexion, turned around the Toad Hermit took a glance around the room. The room was fairly large with various torture implements and various lab equipment filling the space - it looked sort of like Orochimaru's secret labs, but the snakeman's labs looked like children's chemistry sets in comparison to this place. To one side there was a large walk-in freezer with the door sitting wide open. Sounds of physical exertion and a kunai impacting frozen flesh were coming out of the freezer. Peculiar.

"So," the man identified as Joker drawled out in a bored tone. "What is this that the cat dragged in?"

"A peeping tom, actually," said the woman.

Joker's supposed perma-smile disappeared and was replaced by a mask of rage. His killing intent boiled to the surface in an instant. But then his frown disappeared to be replaced by the creepiest smile Jiraiya had ever seen - it would cause any demon to go green with envy. But with the grin came the most intense spike of killer intent Jiraiya had felt since the Kyubi had been sealed.

Joker pulled a spoon out of a drawer and scooped Jiraiya's eyes out and replaced them with gumballs. He attached some sort of chakra strings to them and to Jiraiya's ears, somehow allowing him to see. Then, smiling gleefully, the clown began to flay the skin off of the screaming old man, layer by agonizing layer until only a ricepaper-thin layer remained. After that, he attached an explosive tag to the pervert's genitals and detonated it. Next, the clown grabbed a beaker of some green fluid and began to apply it drop by agonizing drop to what was left of the pervert's skin. Finally, Joker grabbed an anvil and dropped it on Jiraiya's chest. The whole time, the woman simply ate a bucket of popcorn, lightly buttered, no salt.

The old perverted hermit blinked. That was one of the most intense hallucinations he had ever experienced due to killer intent.

"I think I have something special planned for him," said the clown, his eyes narrowing while his grin grew wider yet.

"Hey!" called a voice from the freezer. "Don't start the party without me!"

Jiraiya was stunned out of his fearful shivers when he caught sight of the blonde boy with blue eyes who came walking out of the freezer, cheerful (if creepy) smile splitting his face. Naturally, Jiraiya blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"Minato?"

With that one word, Joker's and Harley's killer intents stopped dead. Their faces were both studies on confusion and curiosity.

Of course, the boy's face of utter and complete confusion was priceless.

Jiraiya would've laughed had he not been so confused himself.

They knew they were being watched. The denizens of this universe seemed to be quite paranoid if they were watching the four of them as soon as they arrived.

Bruce recognized from the writing on various signs for shops that they were in a place that probably spoke Japanese. J'onn picked up on this and sent the information to John and Dick.

Bruce realized that they needed to ditch their tails and told J'onn what the plan was telepathically.

Both squads of ANBU were confused when the four newcomers vanished from sight. No chakra signatures had gone off, so the eight ANBU simply brought their hands up and whispered "kai".

Nothing happened for several minutes.

One of the squads left two of its members behind to watch the spot where the intruders disappeared. The other six ANBU split up to look for the four weirdos.

Jiraiya had been untied and brought to the parlor of the building, back on the first floor. Harley had served tea which the old pervert checked for poison. There was none in it. But Joker pulled out a bottle of arsenic from his jacket and poured a little into his cup. And then into Harley's cup. And Naruto's.

"Wha-?"

"Hmm?" Joker looked at the white-haired man quizzically before understanding dawned on him. "Oh, right. You don't know. The three of us have a kekkei genkai that makes our chakra both poisonous and acidic. We can ingest any poison or acid and it merely adds to our power."

"What? But you're not biologically related as far as I know."

"We don't need to be," commented Harley. "It can actually be transferred to other people merely by spending a great deal of time with any one of us. Naruto's teammates, minus their Jounin sensei, are prime examples of this - they are beginning to develop the bloodline."

"Oh."

Naruto's patience waned. "Why did you call me Minato? Is that my real name?"

"No. I called you Minato because you look almost exactly like your biological father: Namikaze Minato."

"Well, that's new," commented Naruto. "Wait. Namikaze? You mean the Yondaime?"

"The same."

"So that's why those idiots in the Forest of Death were calling me 'the Yellow Flash Reborn'!"

"Some genins called you that, eh? Well, the Yellow Flash, your birth father, is famous for killing over two-thousand Iwanins and Kumonins in a single day by slitting their throats."

"I like him already," Joker said gleefully. "He use some sort of speed jutsu?"

"Famous for it, actually. He developed the Hiraishin no jutsu." (Flying Thunder God no jutsu)

"How did it work?" asked Harley.

Jiraiya could tell that he had the undivided attention of all three of them. "I honestly don't know. I simply know what it did. He'd send a bunch of special kunai all over the battlefield. Each one had a series of seals on it. Then he'd use the jutsu and it would seem to teleport him to the locations of each of the kunai. Whether or not he actually teleported... no one knows. The secret of that jutsu died with him."

"At the same time he sealed the demon fox within me, eh?"

"Er, yes. You don't... resent him for it?"

"Naw. He did it for the good of the village. Not that they deserved it. Well... I suppose that some of them did."

"So," began Jiraiya. "What happened three days after Naruto was born? He disappeared from the room he was being kept in."

Joker explained what had happened in his own words.

Jiraiya could tell that he was telling the truth about being from another world, but the rest was difficult to tell. Who knew that Joker's face would be the perfect poker face despite it almost constantly changing?

"Do you think this bat person would be able to follow you to our world?"

"Not likely, but I wouldn't be surprised if he managed to stalk me here."

")Seems that most of the people here happen to be ninja,(" commented Bruce once they were safely hidden in a copse of trees near what appeared to be a training ground. ")We need to be extra careful to avoid detection.("

")I've been scanning these ninja with my powers,(" said J'onn. ")Seems that even the weakest among them have superpowers. I wouldn't be surprised if some of them could spit fire.("

")Hey!(" warned John. ")There's a couple of those ninja down there! We need to keep quiet and keep our energy down!("

The striking of the tenth hour of the morning saw a shock of blonde hair walking next to a mass of white hair on one of the various training grounds of Konoha.

"So, what would you be able to teach me?" asked Naruto.

"How about how to summon?"

"We already have signed a powerful summon contract," replied the blonde. "My adoptive parents and I."

"Powerful, eh? Can you summon the boss summon?"

"Not yet, but the second-in-command is powerful in his own right."

"I'd like to test him out if you don't mind."

"Hmm... I don't mind, and the Bird of Hermes loves to fight. Ready?"

Jiraiya jumped some distance away, impressing the four intruders. "Ready!"

"Kuchiyose no jutsu!"

"The Bird of Hermes is our name," began Pluto, the left head. His voice startled Jiraiya and the four observers being that it sounded dead and empty, like lead bricks being dropped on granite slabs.

"Eating our wings to make us tame," finished Vulcan. Jiraiya wasn't as startled by the right head's loud and guttural voice. It reminded him of the sound a kiln makes when it is about to explode. On the other hand the four observers were stunned. How could a boy not only be capable of summoning such a monstrosity but also be willing to do so?

"Nutritious and delicious! They tasted just like chicken!" exclaimed the blonde with mirth. The two-headed hyena laughed at this.

"So," began Vulcan. "What does the clown pup want today?"

Batman caught onto the word "clown" in that question by the simple fact that he knew Japanese.

"I want you guys to fight this guy's boss summon."

"Boss summon?" mused Pluto. "We'll do it, but be sure to summon Cerberus the next time you want to go up against a summon or other beast of such high status. She'll forgive you this time, but her temper is even more legendary than Vulcan's."

"I heard that!"

"Naturally. It sort of helps that your head is attached to the same body as mine."

"Guys! Shut up! Let's just wait for Jiraiya to summon his boss summon."

"Actually Naruto, I have a few questions before I do."

"Shoot."

"The legendary hyena and jackal contract... that was hidden in Iwa, wasn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Do you realize that since you were from Konoha and had blonde hair that you probably could have been killed?"

"On eight different occasions on the trip. Why?"

Jiraiya blinked. "Never mind. Kuchiyose no jutsu!"

The four members of the Justice League were surprised at the sheer size of the toad summoned.

"Jiraiya! How dare you summon me!?"

"Sorry Gamabunta. But this upstart summon wants to fight you!"

"I... see," replied the toad.

"Wait... 'upstart'? I OUGHT TO BURN YOU TO A CRISP, LITTLE MAN!"

"I agree. We are quite well-established as the second in command of the Hyena half of the contract. We should be more than enough to beat the daylights out of this mere toad, despite the fact that he is larger than we."

"I don't like your condescending tone. I'm going to have a hyena-skin rug to put in my parlor when this is over."

Gamabunta drew his sword only to have to leap out of the way as a fireball scorched the earth where he had only previously been standing.

"Honehoko!" (Bone Lance)

A lance with a very large blade made entirely out of bone came shooting out of Pluto's throat. Vulcan caught it with his mouth and swung it upwards to block Gamabunta's katana. While the giant toad leapt back for more fighting room, Pluto opened his mouth again and tendrils of a black substance darker than eternity reached out and grabbed the lance allowing Vulcan to release his grip on the shaft. Vulcan then opened his mouth wide.

"Kaikamuchi no jutsu!" (Mysterious Fire Whip no jutsu)

An orange and red stream of flame snaked its way out of Vulcan's mouth and nearly struck Gamabunta had the toad not leapt out of the way.

"Suiton: Teppoudama!" (Water Release: Gunshot)

Gamabunta fired a blast of compressed water at the Bird of Hermes, but the two-headed hyena leapt out of the way. Vulcan retracted the whip made of fire to avoid letting it be put out - much like slurping a soba noodle. Then the hyena and the toad leapt at each other, Gamabunta bringing the katana forward to attack and Pluto bringing the bone lance to bear. With the resounding sounds of metal and bone colliding for a few seconds came the inevitable conclusion made by the various watchers: the toad and hyena were evenly matched. Except Naruto knew better.

Gamabunta was pissed. He was the BOSS and this simple second-in-command was going toe-to-toe with him!

But then Vulcan opened his mouth again, allowing the whip to escape. Gamabunta was unable to get out of the way and the fire seared a phrase on his belly: "Five ryou! Five ryou! Me love you long time!" The toad boss looked down to assess the damage.

Gamabunta was speechless. Sure, he'd be able to get rid of the phrase if he allowed one of the other toads to heal his burns, but the sheer audacity of the opponent to write graffiti on his stomach appalled him.

If he hadn't been so distracted, he probably would have been able to get out of the way of Pluto's next strike, but as it was he was only able to move just enough to make it so that the lance hand merely cut to the bone on his leg rather than stab him in a certain sensitive area.

Realizing that his mobility had just been nullified, he unsummoned himself, disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

Vulcan swallowed his whip while Pluto swallowed the inky black tendrils and the Honehoko.

"That was so fun I've forgotten the insult the little man made about us," said Vulcan.

"Worth the effort, I'd say. Too bad the toad didn't put up as much of a fight as that Zabuza character did."

"You're telling me," Vulcan said, revealing the scar left from the previous fight by lifting his head. It still looked rather nasty and it showed how extensive the damage to his neck had been.

Pluto turned his head to Naruto. "Do you need anything else?"

"Nope. And that was pretty fun to watch! Especially the 'five ryou' thing!"

Vulcan chuckled. "We thought you'd like that!"

"Well, until we meet again!"

With that, the two-headed hyena disappeared.

The four members of the Justice League were dumbfounded. Monsters able to do those sorts of things allowing themselves to be subject to an old man and a little boy? That was just plain wrong!

"So, Ero-sennin, do you now understand how powerful my own summons are?"

J'onn was confused. So the old man's name is Erosennin Jiraiya? The customs on this planet are really weird.

"Wow," was the old man's response. Obviously his brain was still trying to reboot.

"Hey! What can you teach me!? If you don't teach me, I'll bring you back to my parents' home so that they can devise a fitting punishment for peeking on my mom! Or did you forget that part of the bargain?"

Jolted to reality, Jiraiya began to panic. Then he said the first jutsu that came to mind: "Rasengan! I'll teach you the Rasengan!!" (Spiraling Sphere)

Naruto grinned. "Do tell! What's it do?"

After vacating the area where the blonde and the old man were talking about training, the four members of the Justice League stopped to consider a few things.

")You know,(" commented Dick. ")If Joker had somehow learned how to do the things the people can do here, capturing him would be near impossible. And let us not forget that he's been here for the past six years.("

")Six years, seven months, and thirteen days,(" Bruce corrected. ")Also, I think that blonde kid might have some connection to the Joker. The two-headed hyena mentioned something about a clown before the fight. And the fact that it was a hyena seems to fit somewhat.("

")I'd feel better if we found out who the local authorities are,(" said John. ")And asked them to help us find the Joker and Harley Quinn.("

")The ninja are the local authorities,(" stated J'onn. ")But I think I've located our quarry. Well, one of them, at the very least.("

")Which one?(" asked Bruce.

Harley had sent him out to do the grocery shopping. He didn't like to go grocery shopping, but at least he got a hefty discount simply for being the infamous )Mr. J( - he did love that he made all the shopkeepers nervous (except for Ichiraku Teuchi, but that man still gave his family a huge discount for being his favorite customers). He brought Bonnie and Clyde along with him.

He was just heading back from the shopping district when four rather familiar costumes appeared on all sides. A quick glance allowed him to see that the hyenas were under a dome made by the Green Lantern.

")Joker, we have come to arrest you and take you back to Arkham,(" Batman said.

")No can do,(" stated Joker. He pointed at his forehead protector with his thumb. ")I'm a citizen of Konoha now, and a ninja to boot! Try to capture me and you'll have the entire ninja population jumping down your throats! Observe!( ANBU! I could use some help here!"

An ANBU squad appeared in a swirl of leaves and wind, flanking Joker protectively. Batman and Nightwing had pulled out batarangs and other weaponry out of their utility belts. Seeing this, two of the ANBU prepared kunai and shuriken.

Quickly figuring that the mission was going to pieces, J'onn tried to reason with the ninja after extracting information about the Japanese language and culture from Batman's head.

"Please!" began the Martian. "We don't wish to fight you! The Joker is simply a criminal from our homeworld. We have come to arrest him yet again."

One of the ANBU responded by going through a few handseals.

Joker chuckled a bit. ")Don't you get it you green freak? I'm a ninja! One of their better ones too! And my friends here would never extradite me! Besides, the four of you are the bad guys for trying to capture a fellow ninja and learn his secrets - secrets that could be vital to Konoha's defense! I love the irony!("

The ANBU, thankful for Joker's distraction, finished his jutsu. "Raiton: Kyuuden!" (Lightning Release: Ball Lightning)

The ANBU placed his hands in front of him as if holding a ball. With a sudden flash and an explosion of sound, a literal ball made from orange and blue lightning appeared in his hands, pulsing erratically.

"Iru!" ("Fire" or "shoot" or "attack)

The Kyuuden suddenly shot out of the ANBU's hands straight towards the Martian. He dodged it by soaring upwards, but then the ANBU brought his hands up and the ball of electricity abruptly stopped and then sped towards J'onn's location. The Green Lantern, upon seeing this, released the hyenas in favor of creating a shield to protect his alien friend. The Kyuuden exploded against the barrier. It was powerful!

Before John could react, a number of roots and branches began to encase his body, restricting his movement.

"Oh? I didn't know you were here, Yamato."

"My squad's been assigned to constantly tail you in case you ever snap."

"Ah. That'd be why then. I give the old man points for being paranoid."

Meanwhile, Batman and Nightwing found themselves hard-pressed to keep up with the two ANBU whom they fought. The younger of the two heroes had his six-foot quarterstaff out and was carefully eyeing the ANBU who had a scythe with a chain attached. Batman, on the other hand, was facing the other ANBU, who seemed to prefer taijutsu to using weaponry.

J'onn quickly sped down to where the Green Lantern was trapped and phased through the wood. When he touched John, he helped him phase through his bonds as well.

Seeing this, Joker activated one of his family jutsu. His hands flashed through the horse and monkey seals. ")Caustic Fist( no jutsu!"

His hands and feet became covered with a green caustic fluid, and he leapt at the Martian. Surprised at the madman's speed, J'onn didn't have time to dodge the attack, and despite the fact that he was phased out, he was seriously injured by Joker's caustic boot to the head. The pain was so intense that the Martian passed out due to his extra-sensitive nerves in his epidermis.

John tried to capture Joker in the energy from his power ring, but Bonnie and Clyde tackled him from behind, breaking his concentration. Soon, the Green Lantern found himself encased in wood yet again. The ANBU who had initially attacked J'onn applied binding seals to the Martian's skin.

Joker then deactivated the )Caustic Fist( and leapt into the fight between Nightwing and the scythe-and-chain ANBU. Completely blind-siding the former Robin, the clown hit him with a large sea bass in the kidney, causing an extreme amount of pain which caused him to go down. Dropping the fish, Joker brought his hands up, forming the monkey seal. He began to laugh.

When Batman heard the Joker's laugh, his opponent sprouted six additional arms - all of them tentacles. He began to have to dodge the various attacks from all of the arms.

Outside the genjutsu, John and a barely conscious Nightwing were treated to Batman performing a jerky dance. And singing.

"Dale a tu cuerpo

"Alegria Macarena

"Que tu cuerpo es pa darle

"Alegria y cosa buena

"Dale a tu cuerpo

"Alegria Macarena

"Eh, Macarena!"

The ANBU who was fighting him stepped back, and glanced at Joker. Upon sensing that Joker was producing a genjutsu, she relaxed and watched the amusing dance that the caped invader was performing.

"Dale a tu cuerpo

"Alegria Macarena

"Que tu cuerpo es pa darle

"Alegria y cosa buena

"Dale a tu cuerpo

"Alegria Macarena

"Eh, Macarena!"

"So wait," said the blonde Jinchuuriki. "You mean all I have to do is pop the balloon using just my chakra?"

"Yes, and that particular balloon has been chemically treated to prevent your chakra from simply eating through the balloon."

"Makes sense. While I work on this, would you mind helping me with something?"

"Depends on what it is."

"Well, there's this girl on my team..." Upon seeing the lecherous grin on Jiraiya's face, Naruto quickly amended his statement. "... whom I have been dating-" Curses! That grin just keeps getting wider! Try intimidation. Usually worked for me. "-and she got hurt during the preliminaries. Do you know of any herbs that can accelerate the healing process? The medic-nins said that she'd be out of the hospital in a month, but I'd rather she get out sooner."

"Hmm... though it isn't my specialty, I do have some medical knowledge. I'll see what I can whip up on one condition."

"Which is?"

"If you allow me to see who she is."

"Certainly," agreed the blonde. "But if you do anything... ungentlemanly around her, I'll do what my parents were planning on doing, and then some!"

This last bit he said while grinning wildly. Perhaps that was why it was so unsettling for Jiraiya to see and hear.

See? What'd I tell ya!? He looks so funny when he's soiling his shorts!