Test Your Might!
"Now, there are certain rules that must be obeyed," began Joker. "There are almost no rules. You win if you incapacitate or kill your opponent, or if your opponent forfeits likes a pansy. If I determine that someone is incapacitated, I'll jump in and stop the match, so feel free to let loose! And so, without further ado, the first match will be between... wait, what?"
When the screen that would normally display who was facing who, there was a large picture displayed instead...
Earlier that morning, Naruto had sent three shadow clones of himself with a digital camera. One came back with said camera.
The picture was of Neji, wearing a biker's jacket and really tight leather pants (complete with bondage straps), holding hands with Sasuke, wearing chaps, moccasins, and a headband with a feather sticking out. The both of them seemed to be caught in the act of entering a certain building. The building had a sign out that read "The Flaming Dog", and was reputed to be a popular gay bar.
Neji, upon seeing this, had a look of total disgust on his face.
That is NOT what I meant by Flames of Youth, thought Guy. But I can't tell him how to live his life.
Didn't I see Naruto send some clones out this morning? thought both Lee and Ten Ten.
Sasuke practically squealed, but upon realizing where he was, he managed: "I mean... Ew."
This caused both of his fangirls to look at him in a new light. Sakura edged a little bit closer to Kiba while Ino simply edged further away from the Uchiha.
Speaking of Kiba, who was rather homophobic, he shuddered in fear of his teammate.
I definitely didn't teach him that! thought Kakashi.
Kurenai and Shino recognized the picture as one of Naruto's pranks, and it was all they could do to contain their mirth. Shikamaru and Chouji were also having trouble containing their laughter. Hinata giggled at the embarrassment that her cousin was receiving. Naruto didn't bother holding in his laughter once he saw everyone's reactions.
The team from Oto was oddly silent, though their sensei was grinning from ear to ear. The two teammates of Kabuto were rather stoic, though anyone with a critical eye could see that they shuddered ever so slightly with revulsion.
The sand siblings had their own reactions: Kankuro and Temari laughed and Gaara snorted. But with disgust or mirth no one knew, nor did they dare ask. Baki, their sensei, merely shook his head.
The Hokage took one look at the screen and said something that made Joker, Ibiki, and Anko laugh: "Kids these days."
"Alright, we've had our fun!" began the Joker. "Fix the screen!"
The screen shut off, then powered on again displaying "Akado Yoroi vs. Aburame Shino".
"Alright. The rest of you should go up on those railings to wait your turns."
Shino stood at one side of the arena and Yoroi stood at the other.
"You're of the Aburame, correct?"
"Yeah."
"You and your chakra-leeching bugs have nothing against me, really. I absorb chakra. Any you send at me will be killed in seconds!"
"I agree. But they won't be the only ones dead."
"Boys," began Joker. "Sorry to interrupt, but your match starts now. Begin!"
Yoroi charged quickly, but he was blocked by a wall of bugs. True to what he said before, the bugs dropped like flies (pun intended) when they came in contact with him.
"You're going to lose your entire hive!" stated Yoroi.
"No," replied Shino. "Just a third."
The bugs around Yoroi began to glow.
"What the-"
"Hotarubaku no jutsu!" All of the bugs surrounding Yoroi exploded, ripping his body to shreds and killing him. His skull flew through the air and Joker caught it.
"Hey, Yoroi? Are you able to fight?" the clown asked the skull. Using his thumb, he made the skull move its mouth. "No. No? Ah, well that makes the winner be Aburame Shino." Joker then crushed the skull with his bare hands. "NEXT!"
"Kinuta Dosu vs. Ten Ten," read the scoreboard.
Ten Ten started off by throwing various weapons at Dosu, but the Otonin dodged every single one while making his way closer and closer to the girl. She tried to back up while throwing things at him, but he was faster.
Normally, she would have been able to skewer the boy thirty times over, but she unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view) didn't grow up in a Hidden Village run by a madman obsessed with strength. Dosu was faster than Ten Ten and had little trouble in dodging her projectiles.
She managed to barely dodge Dosu's punch, but the sound waves coming off of his arm caused the girl to throw up. She forfeited at that point.
"NEXT!"
Abumi Zaku vs. Temari
Zaku was worried. And that was an understatement. He knew that Temari was a Wind Mistress from the sand. That rank was only given to their best wind users! Hence why the country was called Wind Country! Also, Zaku was injured pretty badly - both of his arms had been dislocated by the Uchiha. He didn't see any way for him to win.
"Begin!" said Joker.
"I forfeit!" replied Zaku.
"Wuss!" countered the clown.
"Why?" asked Temari.
"Because I'm injured and when it comes down to it, my wind jutsu will be inferior to yours."
Orochimaru, who was disguised as the Oto genins' instructor, decided Zaku would die rather painfully.
"How boring. NEXT!"
Nara Shikamaru vs. Tsurugi Misumi
"If my jutsu gets a hold of you, you are finished!" declared Misumi.
"Ironic. My jutsu works the same way," responded Shikamaru.
"Enough banter! Begin!"
Faster than the lazy boy could react, Shikamaru found himself encircled by Misumi.
"See?" began the ninja wearing sunglasses. "My body has been modified so that I can stretch myself out and capture opponents or fit into any space! Give up or I break your neck!"
"Troublesome," commented the lazy boy.
Suddenly, Misumi let go and stood in the exact same stance as Shikamaru.
"What the hell!?"
"Seems my jutsu overrides yours. My Kagemane no jutsu will force you to do everything I am. And I can tell that you don't have enough chakra to resist my jutsu." (Shadow Possession no jutsu)
Shikamaru turned around. So did Misumi. Shikamaru walked towards the wall. So did Misumi. Shikamaru mimed banging his head on the wall. So did Misumi... sort of. Misumi actually banged his head against the wall so hard that both wall and skull cracked. Shikamaru released the unconscious Misumi.
"Winner! The Nara kid! NEXT!"
Uchiha Sasuke vs. Yamanaka Ino
"Give up," muttered Sasuke to the blonde.
Ino wasn't stupid. She knew that Sasuke was much faster than her, making her clan jutsu rather useless. He was more apt in taijutsu than her. His weapon skills were much better than hers. Her only resort was genjutsu, which she had no skill in just yet.
"Begin!"
"Uzumaki-san?"
"What is it?" The clown was curious as to what the blonde was going to ask for.
"I would like to forfeit. I stand no chance against Sasuke right now."
Joker cocked his head. His immediate impulse would be to hurl insults at her, but she was right. She was out-classed. So, instead of insult her directly, he decided to insult her by means of stating facts.
"Very well. Next time, don't bother to enter the exams unless you have a decent skill set with a good amount of power. NEXT!"
As Ino left the ring for the railing, Kakashi took Sasuke to a containment room to seal up his Cursed Seal (acquired from Orochimaru's attack). Orochimaru followed just to mess with Kakashi's head.
Akimichi Chouji vs. Tsuchi Kin
Kin threw a pair of senbon at Chouji, but the larger boy simply dodged. He heard the bells attached to the two senbon jingle. Thinking it was a way for her to make him confused about whether to dodge or not, he prepared himself, only to hear the bells again - there were strings running from the bells to Kin's hand. He realized that it was a genjutsu trap based on the bells, so he decided to do his own thing. Rather than just use his Nikudan Sensha (Human Meat Tank) jutsu, he opted instead for a ranged attack his father taught him.
"Fuuton: Daigeppu no jutsu!" (Wind Release: Big Belch no jutsu)
Chouji belched out a ball of compressed air straight at Kin. She barely managed to dodge only for her to be hit with a palm burst from the large boy, knocking her out. Oh, and the Daigeppu caused a crater in the wall from the impact.
Kakashi returned just in time to witness the end of the match.
Joker laughed at the loud and boisterous jutsu for a little bit. Then he said, "NEXT!"
Gaara vs. Rock Lee
(Author's Note: Do I really need to go over the fight?)
After Lee finally lost to Gaara, Naruto was a little disappointed. Lee, someone else who was getting over a prejudice against him (in this case, a prejudice related to his handicap), nearly beat the Jinchuuriki for the Ichibi (One Tail) but instead had lost. But the fight had given Naruto some ideas on how to beat Gaara.
"Most interesting. There seems to be potential in some of you slackers... NEXT!"
Kankuro vs. Haruno Sakura
"Now we'll get to finish our business from earlier," stated the kabuki enthusiast.
Sakura swallowed nervously. She was worried what her opponent could do. Certainly, from all those times she and Kiba had trained together she was fairly strong, but she lacked a great deal of skill and power because Kiba wasn't all that great of a teacher. His older sister, Hana, was better, but she was usually away on missions anyway.
Now she wished that she had trained more instead of pining after Sasuke, especially since the Uchiha brat's claim of wanting to renew his clan seemed to be nothing more than a lie.
But she was determined to at least give a show so that Joker wouldn't have as much of an excuse to insult her outright.
She pulled a scroll out of her weapons pouch as Kankuro removed his rather large bundle from his back.
"Begin!"
As Kankuro quickly pulled the bandaging off of his parcel, Sakura bit her thumb and slid her thumb over the scroll, summoning a pair of neko-te, or cat's claws, which she quickly put on her hands.
Kankuro's bundle was revealed to be a puppet, which he sent after Sakura, whom tried to go around it and go for Kankuro. But the puppet was too fast and it head butted her, sending her reeling. Just before Kankuro could finish off Sakura, he found a kunai to his throat.
Joker smiled. "Well, I do think she's rather incapacitated. You win, she loses. Call your doll off."
Kankuro grumbled about it being a puppet while ignoring Naruto's catcalls about how the kabuki enthusiast was destined to be a child stalker when he grew up. Still, the cosmetic-covered ninja recalled his puppet and Joker removed the kunai.
"NEXT!"
Hyuga Neji vs. Hyuga Hinata
"You are destined to lose," Neji declared.
"I'm not as weak as you remember, Neji-niisan," replied Hinata.
"What is with all the talking!? Begin already!"
"I can perceive your failure. You are... not as without confidence as you used to be?"
Hinata replied by pulling a scroll out.
"What are you going to do? Even with your confidence, you won't be able to beat me. I am much stronger than you."
She unrolled the scroll, bit her thumb, and slid it across the length of the parchment. Four puppet-like devices came out. Most foreigners there were amazed that Konoha had puppet users as well, but only a handful knew what the "puppets" actually were. Still, Kankuro gained a healthy respect for the girl, able to conduct four "puppets" at once.
"Puppets won't save you, my dear cousin. Give up!"
"Neji-niisan, shut the hell up!"
At first, Neji was shocked by Hinata's attitude and her use of a curse word, but he quickly got over it and began to charge.
Hinata used chakra strings to activate all four of the automations which identified Neji as their target and attacked him. Knowing that his Juuken would be ineffective against the "puppets", he used a kunai to block various bladed weaponry and dodged like mad. Hinata was impressed with his speed, but she augmented the robots' movements with her chakra strings.
Neji accidentally got his kunai stuck in the face of one of the "puppets", which surprisingly caused the head to explode and it to fall over. Hinata muttered something about bad luck and turned the other three off. She then charged at Neji.
Everyone who thought she was using puppets was startled by the explosion of one of them. Perhaps they weren't puppets after all?
Neji felt like he was in his element now that the "puppets" were inactive and they had moved on to taijutsu. Hinata wasn't using the clan's style, but a bastardized version of it, and Neji was confident that he would win. He disabled her tenketsu (chakra points) in her left arm to show her how ineffectual her style was when she stabbed his arm with her finger, and it went through to the bone and cracked it.
"Though I still use the Juuken, Neji-niisan, I also use chakra scalpels. You may have disabled one of my arms, but I disabled one of yours. While you have concentrated on the clan style, I have branched out into puppetry and medical skills. Like I said, I am stronger than you think I am."
In response, Neji took the opportunity to strike her with a Juuken to the stomach, causing Hinata to stumble back.
"You may be stronger, but the weak are always weak. You can't change your destiny, Hinata-sama. Your fate was decided when you chose to fight me. You suffer because you struggle. You-"
"Baka. You're the one who suffers because you were born into the Branch House, and you can't change that, can you?"
Neji was pissed, but before he could resume the attack, one of the automations grabbed onto him with its four arms, restricting his movement.
"Did you think I turned them off for no reason? I did it so that you would think I gave up using them, which will prove to be-" She would have continued, if it weren't for the fact that she began vomiting blood. The chakra string that she was using to keep the automation active dissipated, allowing Neji to get free. In his rage, he rushed forward and tried to deliver another Juuken to Hinata, this time to her head.
Luckily, he was stopped by several Jounin (Guy, Kurenai, Kakashi, and Joker) and was eyeballing Jason, Joker's magnum revolver.
"Alright already. Stupid Hyuga blood feud. You've already won, so go sit down before I put a smile on your face!" threatened the Joker.
Hinata continued to vomit up blood, so the medic team quickly retrieved her. Naruto leapt down to see her before they took her away.
"Hey," greeted the blonde.
"I'm sorry, Naruto-kun," she managed to gasp out while on her stretcher.
"No no. Shush shush. Not your fault, but I'll beat the stuffing out of him. He-Who-Is-Dumber-Than-A-Sack-Of-Hair will fall. I promise you that!"
Hinata blushed a little, imagining Naruto fighting for her.
Before she was carted away, Naruto kissed her. It was a short kiss, more of a peck really, but to Hinata it lasted an eternity.
Once he could no longer see her, Naruto turned and smiled maniacally at Neji.
"What are you smiling at?"
"How funny you are going to look once I cram your head so far in between your shoulders that you'll have to unbutton your jacket to eat..."
"You're welcome to try," retorted Neji.
"Naruto. Son. Your promise is going to have to wait. You and Kiba are up next."
Inuzuka Kiba vs. Uzumaki Naruto
"Akamaru," Kiba said after landing down in the fighting area. "I want to see how far I measure up by myself first. Okay?"
The small dog barked and wagged his tail, then ran over to the side.
"Begin!"
"I know you're pissed off about Hinata and all," began Kiba. "But I want the chuunin rank!"
Naruto smirked. He pulled a scroll out of his jacket, bit his thumb, and touched one of the seals on it, producing a boombox. He threw the electronic device to his father. Curious, Joker set it down and pushed play. Some music began to play, but only Naruto and his father knew what song it was.
"Hee hee hyai hee..." laughed the older clown while Naruto took his leg weights off.
Temari thought, Him too? How many of these Konohanin use that method of training? But then she saw that he simply set them down. Huh? Maybe his weights aren't as heavy...
"People talking in movie shows," sang the blonde boy while pointing at Ino whose eyes narrowed.
"People smoking in bed!" Naruto pointed at Sarutobi Asuma, who blushed but nodded.
"People using the bloody sand," It was Gaara's turn to be pointed at.
"Give them a boot to the head!" sang Joker as Naruto's foot met Kiba's head.
"Boot to the Head! HA HA..." continued the older clown, while his son continued to introduce Kiba's cranium to his footwear.
"Boot to the Head! HA HA...
"Boot to the Head! HA HA...
"Boot to the Head! HA HA HA.. HA... HA HA HA!"
Kiba looked punch drunk, but he got up and charged at Naruto, who dodged while the music continued.
"Prudes who can't laugh worth a giggle," Naruto sang while pointing at Neji who pretended to ignore what was happening.
"Politicians who can't think!" The blonde pointed at the Sandaime Hokage who grinned at the Uzumakis' sense of humor.
"The dogman who won't leave me alone," he sang while looking right at the attacking form of Kiba.
"The loser who forgets to think!" This time he pointed at Kakashi who did one of his Cyclopean eye smiles. He assumed that Naruto was kidding around.
"Boot to the head! HA HA..." Joker continued while Naruto returned Kiba's attacks.
"Boot to the head! HA HA...
"Boot to the head! HA HA..."
"BOOT TO THE HEAD!!" sang almost all of the people in the room, including Gaara. Odd.
Kiba lay on the ground, seemingly unconscious, so Naruto put his weights back on. Joker was going to announce his son as the winner, when Kiba sat up and ate a soldier pill, giving him a great deal of energy and numbing the pain from all the cranial trauma he had just experienced. Naruto was about to attack again, when his father gripped his shoulder.
"Now now, you should let him set himself up. He let you do the same at the beginning. Oh, and you're not allowed to take your weights off during the rest of this match."
Frowning, Naruto relented and allowed Kiba to get up.
"Akamaru, let's see if we can't win together!" His dog barked and ran over to him.
"Two against one, eh?" asked Naruto. He then did several hand seals. "Kuchiyose no jutsu!"
Cackling laughter filled the room.
"Shinji, I welcome you with open arms!"
"Well met, my favorite clown!"
Finally, the smoke from the summoning died down to reveal Naruto standing next to a jackal in armor.
Naruto put a hand on Shinji's shoulder and said, "Mine's bigger."
Kiba's eyes widened, and then he fed Akamaru a soldier pill. The little white dog turned red.
"Shikyaku no jutsu!" (Four Legs no jutsu)
Kiba's canines became elongated, his nails lengthened into claws, and he hunched over. His entire presence seemed more wolf-like.
"Juujin Bunshin!" (Beast Human Clone)
Akamaru turned into a replica of Kiba.
"You won't be able to beat me now!" bluffed Kiba.
"Shinji, shall we?"
"With vigor!"
The four combatants leapt at each other.
"Gatsuuga!" (Double Piercing Fang)
"Yoroibunshin no jutsu!"
"Kagebunshin no jutsu!"
After a few intense minutes, Akamaru was unconscious while Naruto looked winded. Kiba was a wreck while Shinji had a fair amount of dents in his armor.
"Hey, (gasp) Naruto?"
"What (pant) do you (pant) want?"
"I (gasp) wish you (wheeze) luck in the (gasp) finals!" the dog user said before passing out.
"Winner: Naruto! And despite all those handicaps I put on him, too! Well, that seems to be everyone. The Old Man Hokage has something to say to you all."
Naruto listened rather intently as the rules for the finals, which would take place in a month, were explained. All of them, or none of them, or any number of them could become Chuunin. Winning their matches, tournament style, would allow them to show off more. Also, the daimyo of the various countries (as well as other bigot nobles) would be arriving to view the matches and assess who would be the strongest ninja. The country that is seen as having the strongest ninja would get the most missions/customers going to it. That was really the whole point of the Chuunin Exams; it really was a miniaturized version of a war where there were only a small number of casualties.
A month was being given so that the Chuunin-hopefuls could train and learn about their opponents. Also, the one month period was to allow all of the nobles to arrive in time to view the finals.
Finally, they drew lots:
Match One:
Hyuga Neji vs. Uzumaki Naruto
Match Two:
Aburame Shino vs. Temari
Match Three:
Gaara vs. Uchiha Sasuke
Match Four:
Kinuta Dosu vs. Nara Shikamaru
Match Five:
Kankuro vs. Akimichi Chouji
Later, some idiot villager complained to the Hokage that all three examiners were related in some way to Uzumaki Naruto.
"And who else do you think would be able to control him!?" Sarutobi asked while sending an insane amount of killer intent that caused the villager to pass out.
Seriously, there must be an information leak somewhere that was allowing the villagers to gossip about the workings of the Chuunin exam. The villagers are all baka!! Those who have a hatred towards Konoha's own Jinchuuriki will likely do whatever is possible to keep Naruto from doing well. They'll even stop his advancement to Chuunin if they can help it!