Madness

The Kazekage was perplexed about how Joker managed to elbow Gaara in the jaw so quickly. As far as he knew, one could pour only so much chakra into speed techniques before the top speed reaches a peak and stays there, and then one is just wasting energy. Even combining them with non-chakra enhanced speed does nothing for how much they could accelerate the user.

There were only two solutions in the Kazekage's mind: pure unadulterated speed, or some new seal matrix that temporarily enhanced the user's speed. The Otokage had come to a similar conclusion, but fancied the idea that perhaps Joker manipulated wind-natured chakra in front of himself to make a vacuum to pull himself forward.

The Hokage knew exactly how the elder Uzumaki did it. He did use a speed technique, but hadn't been told that there was a top speed to the technique. When the clown ninja had discovered this limitation for himself, he thought he was doing the jutsu wrong, and so altered it to allow for greater acceleration.

The Hokage smugly returned his attention to the beginnings of the match below.

"I know I can't beat you, you lunatic," began Chouji as Harley psyched up the crowd. "But I'll put up a good showing anyway."

Naruto grinned. "Wouldn't have it any other way, Muscles."

"O-kay!" laughed Joker. "You may begin beating the organs out of each other!"

Chouji started things off by increasing his size, turning himself into a giant ball and pulling his head and limbs inside of it.

"Nikudan Sensha!" (Rolling Meat Tank)

He rapidly rolled towards the blonde ninja, forcing the young clown to dodge. Since Naruto's unaided speed with his weights on wasn't enough to get out of the way, he had to manipulate the air around him to propel himself. Though the Kazekage was still musing about how Joker hit his son so quickly, the Otokage wasn't as distracted. She noticed the faint wisps of chakra coming off the younger ninja. Considering that Joker was said to be Naruto's father, she assumed that the older Uzumaki had the same wind-manipulation techniques, but more refined than his son's.

As Chouji made a wide turn to return to his offensive, Naruto reached with both of his hands to the inside of his jacket.

"Minnow Cloud!"

As the blonde threw his hands into the air, hundreds of tiny fish went air born, littering the arena floor with their slippery bodies.

As Naruto dove out of the way, Chouji's body began to slip on the fish, causing him to spin out of control, destroying one of the few trees still standing and slamming into the arena wall.

"Ow," muttered the Akimichi as he cancelled his jutsu. He turned around and surveyed the ground. "Fish?"

"Fish Fu," Naruto proudly declared.

Chouji smirked as he reached into the pockets of his jacket and pulled out a pair of bean paste buns. As the blonde raised an eyebrow, Chouji began speaking.

"Your Clan is not the first to devise food-based weaponry. And with all those fish on the ground around you, it will be difficult for you to dodge these."

With that, Chouji threw the bun in his right hand straight at the young clown's head. As Naruto made the attempt to dodge, two things happened. He slipped on one of the minnows on the ground, and the pastry exploded. Obviously, there was an explosive tag within, but also a capsule with a chemical within it. Upon mixing with the bean paste, it released a knockout toxin. Accelerated by the explosive tag, the solution became a gas.

Naruto skidded to a stop on the ground. When he tried to push himself up, the other bean paste bun finished rolling right in front of his face. Just before it exploded, the blonde's eyes went as wide as dinner plates.

Chouji partially turned to Joker and began talking loud enough for the entire stadium to hear.

"My Clan calls them 'Concussion Buns'. Your son should be out for no longer than an hour."

Joker simply grinned back, as if Chouji said something funny. The big-boned boy realized the implications of that smile just before he was knocked silly by a very large sea bass.

"I'LL GIVE YOU A CONCUSSION!" roared Naruto as he continued to beat the larger boy with the still-living fish.

Naruto's hitai-ate was missing and his face, hair, and clothing were covered in bean paste and bread-crumbs.

As the clown beat the Akimichi with the barely-living sea bass, he began to sing a little song.

"Fish heads,

"Fish heads,

"Rolly-polly fish heads!

"Eat them up!

"Yum!

"Fish- Hey!"

Apparently, Chouji took Naruto's advice because he had caught the fish in his teeth and had started to swallow it whole. As Naruto gave the tail one last yank to try and free his no-longer-living weapon, the larger boy pulled one of his fists back. It grew in size just before he slammed it into the blonde's gut, sending the smaller boy rocketing back.

"My granny hits harder than you!" taunted Chouji after swallowing the sea bass.

Naruto flipped up, chuckling as he did so. "Well, you fight like a dairy farmer!"

"How appropriate," retorted Chouji, crossing his arms. "You fight like a cow!"

The two boys glared each at the other for a moment before they both burst into laughter.

"What are they doing?" asked an exasperated Temari.

"Sparring verbally," stated Shino.

"Obviously," stated Kankuro.

Temari glared at Shino. "What I meant is 'why are they being so unprofessional?' They are supposed to be trying to attract more clients to your Hidden Village, not making the lot of you look like fools!"

"I take it that you haven't spent any real amount of time in the likes of Might Guy or Hatake Kakashi yet," Shino deadpanned. "Much less Uzumaki Joker or Uzumaki Harley."

"Gaah!" yelled a frustrated Temari. "You mean to say that my home is constantly being upstaged by a Village full of lunatics!"

"Not yet," replied Shino.

"... what do you mean 'not yet'?" asked Kankuro hesitantly.

"Not all of them are crazy," clarified Shino as he pushed his shades further up his nose. "But we're working on that."

None could tell whether the Aburame was kidding or not, though the up-'till-then silent Gaara blinked.

As Naruto reached into his jacket, Chouji reached into his pocket for another concussion bun. As the larger boy threw his pastry grenade, the blonde pulled a manta ray out and used it as a shield. The poor creature died instantly.

Tossing the ray aside like yesterday's garbage, Naruto rushed forward, throwing piranha after smiling piranha at the larger boy. Chouji tried slapping the freaky fish aside only to find that they latched on to his hands with their painful teeth. They distracted the Akimichi long enough for the blonde to whip out an electric eel and hit Chouji in the face with it. The stress caused the eel to discharge, shocking both Genin and killing the piranha.

Naruto stood up and dusted himself off, removing most of the bean paste.

"Now that is how you knock someone out!" declared the blonde. His father went up to the unmoving Chouji and confirmed that the boy was still breathing and was indeed unconscious.

"How about that for a food fight! That just goes to show that whether you like sushi or not, Konoha has a ninja for you!"

The majority of the crowd found the statement hilarious.

"Are you trying to run a Hidden Village or a catering company, Hokage-dono?" teased the Otokage.

"You know, I'm never sure anymore."

The Kazekage and Otokage both simply stared at the leader of Konoha while he kept a straight face.

Naruto returned to the balcony as Harley declared the next pair of matches.

"Now, we have randomized the four remaining Genin with a computer program. Numbers one and three are Sabaku no Kankuro and Aburame Shino. And... Numbers two and four are Sabaku no Gaara and Uzumaki Naruto. That means that the brothers from Suna are to fight next, and then the two Konohanin teammates are to fight after!"

"Would the Brothers Sabaku come on down?" asked Joker.

"I forfeit!" declared Kankuro.

"LAME!" retorted the clown.

"Well, that was the shortest match ever!"

Shaking his head, Joker called down the remaining two Genin. Surprising everyone, Shino and Naruto both simply used the stairs.

"Kazekage-dono, do your children not trust each other?" asked Sarutobi Hiruzen.

The Kazekage did not bother to respond.

"I want EPIC violence, boys," stated Joker. "Begin!"

Shino opened by spreading out a large chunk of his colony into the open while Naruto began removing weights. Both boys began to move about the arena with incredible speed, one moving without the aid of a jutsu, and the other using kawarimi to incredible effect. Neither seemed able to touch the other for several minutes, though the blurs appeared impressive to the dignitaries from the various countries.

Most of the rich and influential began to hold Konoha in even higher esteem than they did before, much to the ire of the Kazekage.

Assuming we win this, public opinion of these weak tree-lovers will change, thought the Kazekage. That is, if Konoha even exists after today.

The elephant and hawk ANBU standing behind him were stoic, but to the rat ANBU standing behind the Hokage, who had training in human psychology, they seemed to be filled with barely-restrained energy - they were trying so hard to not move that they trembled infinitesimally. The tiger ANBU, who had talents of a different sort, could tell that the pair of snake ANBU were greater in number than they appeared to be. Considering their sizes, they could easily hide two people in each of the over-large ANBU uniforms... and one of those four people felt like two. So the Otokage was cheating by having five bodyguards instead of two.

When Tiger discretely signaled this to the Hokage, the old man did not seem surprised.

Back in the arena, Naruto stopped chasing Shino around for a bit. Neither boy was winded.

"You seem to have more stamina than you did a month ago," commented the blonde.

"All thanks to you," replied the more stoic boy.

"Oh? We didn't meet much during those weeks..."

"We did not," confirmed Shino. At Naruto's confused look, the other boy elaborated. "Your family has an... aura about them. If one can remain in their presence for a significant amount of time, one becomes stronger. This, I believe, is the true power of the Uzumaki bloodline!"

Before Naruto could respond, Shino bit his thumb and swiped it down the front of his jacket. Seals that were placed there with an invisible dye glowed, before turning black. In fact, Shino turned completely black. And his blackness was moving.

Naruto realized what Shino had done: he activated an advanced storage seal - one capable of storing smaller, simpler life-forms without killing them - and released about two entire colonies' worth of Shino's special breed of kikaichu insects.

Energized by Shino's chakra, the bugs quickly fanned out, creating many small swarms around the arena. Naruto realized that it was into one of these swarms that Shino had disappeared - the one he could still see was a bug clone.

"Summoning aid, eh?" Naruto asked of his hidden opponent. "Kuchiyose: Double-Mask!"

A great burst of energy and smoke filled the arena, knocking many of the bugs aside. Laughter filled the air as a huge dog-like animal stepped forward into the physical realm. The beast, the size of a hay wagon, had dark fur all over it. The only bit of armor was a golden mask upon its face, resembling a bearded man's stern visage. The beast's eyes were not visible, though its lower jaw was. Upon the back of the beast's head was the other half of the mask - silver in color, it resembled a smiling boy with eyes closed.

"I welcome you, Janus, Keeper of the Door!"

"Well, this is unexpected, but well-met, clown-pup," roared the hyena. "I can hear you have hundreds of thousands of opponents today."

"Yeah, I'm facing off with my best friend in this tournament. He called in reinforcements, so-"

Janus howled with laughter. "They say you Uzumaki generally do things by overkill! Though, you left him with a slim chance to win by summoning me. I am not that well-suited to fight mobs of opponents, but one only needs to take out the alpha to get the rest of the pack to back off!"

"I don't think Shino's gonna give us any more time to speak!"

Many of the swarms converged on the summon.

"Awww... they're trying to make friends!"

With that joke, Janus rolled over, crushing thousands of the insects. A swarm began to glow as it rushed towards him, but one of his exposed ears twitched and a golden hole in the air appeared in front of the swarm before they could reach the large hyena. A silver hole opened up near the wall of the arena and the bugs spilled out of it to smack against the concrete.

"Behold my ablility: the Door! No attack may harm me if I do not wish it!"

Janus suddenly kicked out with his hind leg, removing Shino's disguise jutsu and sending him careening into the wall where he slumped to the floor.

"I may not see you, but I hear you!"

"Sorry Shino, but you have lost!" declared Naruto, holding a kunai to Shino's neck.

"I did, didn't I?" agreed Shino, rasping as the words came out. "I'll get the better of you next time though."

"I'll look forward to it!"

Laughing, Janus disappeared in a blast of smoke just before Joker declared Naruto the winner.

"How about that, folks! Konoha is home to the Hyena/Jackal Summoning Contract!"

"I'm sorry," said Sarutobi Hiruzen to the Kazekage with a smile on his face. "Maybe I should have Uzumaki-san stop with the sales pitching - I can tell it annoys you."

The arms of the Kazekage's chair splintered further under his grip while the Otokage giggled at the jibe.

The young clown didn't even bother to recover his weights as Gaara walked down the stairwell with a manic grin on his face.

Gaara was excited - his opponent was strong! Stronger than most Jounin Gaara slaughtered. Mother was demanding his blood! Pity that the blonde amused him in a way that no one else had ever been able to, but perhaps his death would be all the more satisfying because of it!

"And now, the Grande Finale! The Final Match! Uzumaki Naruto verses Sabaku no Gaara!"

"I'd ask for a clean fight," began Joker. "But I'd be wasting my breath. BEGIN!"

Sand launched itself towards Naruto but the blonde quickly evaded it. The young clown rushed forward to pour on the offensive and Gaara's sand shield moved to intercept him. Well, after Naruto had already kicked the redhead in the groin, felling him.

"Pathetic taijutsu skills," commented a Jounin in the audience.

"You think Suna would train their weapon, even if only a little," agreed another.

"Some Jinchuuriki are just lazy," responded yet another.

Gaara screamed out in pain. Mother screamed for blood. What Mother wanted, Mother got, and Gaara was all-too-happy to oblige, especially this time. The redhead hated the blonde clown now. HATED HIM!

Sand swirled around the prone Jinchuuriki, creating a sphere before Naruto could get in and press his offensive. Every time Naruto hit it, it created spikes around it to try and spear him.

The blonde stepped back and looked at the situation, trying to see it from all the twisted angles he could, before deciding on a course of action. He reached for the nape of his neck and appeared to pull a strange weapon from inside his shirt. It was Clarisse.

BLAM!

Buckshot peppered the sand sphere, creating a dent in it from the concussive force of the blast, but doing no real damage. Before Naruto could pull the trigger a second time, the sphere had reformed.

BLAM!

The slug created a crater in the orb of sand, piercing the shield, but he missed the redhead inside. He could hear laughter and muttering coming from within before sand began racing towards him, trying to counterattack. As he dodged, he noticed that the sphere had reformed yet again.

Returning Clarisse to his hammerspace (which is what Harley called it), he continued to avoid the sand while making handseals.

"What kind of weapon was that?" asked the Otokage, really interested with the unknown technology.

"One unique to the Uzumaki family," replied the Hokage. "They refuse to share it with anyone else."

"KUCHIYOSE: THE EIGHT BANNERS!" screamed Naruto.

Three distinct laughs echoed around the arena through the smoke. A house-sized jackal with three heads towered over the sand sphere with Naruto on the back of the central head.

"Ready, Hachiman!" asked Naruto.

"Ready!"

"Ready!"

"IS THAT A CAKE!"

Ignoring Sanman, Ichiman and Yonman declared in unison: "Transformation: Kubikiri Honchou!"

The entire beast disappeared only to be replaced with a huge zanbatou, which then fell straight towards Gaara's sand sphere. Naruto grasped the hilt and aimed it downwards, allowing the blade to slice right through the sand barrier.

Gaara screamed in pain and the blade slid right through his right collarbone, missing his vitals and head by mere centimeters due to the angle and the interference of the sand.

The barrier exploded outwards, knocking the young clown away. Gaara crouched under the blade formerly owned by Zabuza, clutching his bleeding collar and sobbing in pain.

Another explosion ripped through the Kage box as the Otokage's bodyguards moved to the four corners of the roof. The Kazekage's ANBU attacked the Hokage's while the Yondaime Kazekage leapt to take out Joker, only to be intercepted by Harley.

As Naruto looked up from where he landed in a heap on the arena floor, he noticed that many in the stands were sleeping. Temari and Kankuro had rushed to Gaara's aid while Joker and Harley faced off with the Kazekage and his ANBU. As the Sabaku siblings left the arena, Naruto sped off after them.

Joker sped over to where Hachiman was imbedded in the ground and ripped the sword out of it, while Harley pulled out what appeared to be a large squeaky mallet.

The Hokage and the rat ANBU were trapped inside of some sort of strange barrier with the Otokage on the roof while the tiger ANBU lay dead, several kunai impaling him. Rat apparently didn't care that he had a kunai or ten sticking out of his shoulders.

Sarutobi looked around, seeing the four people that were disguised as the two snake ANBU at the corners of the roof, keeping the barrier going, sealing off all escape and any further interference from the outside world. The Hokage turned his attention on the woman known as the Otokage just as she tossed another kunai at Rat, impaling him through one of the eyeholes on his mask.

"With that distraction out of the way," she began, her voice becoming remarkably familiar as she spoke. "We may begin catching up, eh sensei?"

"Orochimaru. It has been awhile, hasn't it?"

She pulled off her face like it was a mask, revealing the smiling visage of the Snake Sannin. The Hokage smiled right back.

"I see you're still walking around in women's clothing."

"Hey!" exclaimed Orochimaru, his features showing his anger. "I told you before! Tsunade, Jiraiya, and I were all drunk that one time!"

"True, but this time you're wearing a woman's body too, not just her clothes."

"ARGH!" roared the dark-haired Sannin. "How the f*** did you figure that one out!"

"I see too many weird things these days..." Sarutobi replied with a smirk that proved to aggravate his former student even further.