Chapter 2: Glass Ceiling

Life was perfect, no it was more than perfect. How could it not be? I took care of the house, he took care of me. We took care of each other. We were both so happy, so full of love. This was as close to paradise as I could imagine. A beautiful life full of happiness and love, until of course, it wasn't. 

My chest tightens as I think back to that moment. A life shattering image burned into my soul that I can never escape from. You see, Carl was due home in a week so I had decided to go the extra mile. I was going to do all the shopping and prepare everything before he got home. I was looking forward so much to spending time with him, I didn't want him to spend a moment away from the house more then necessary. 

I was packing up the shopping bags in the parking lot of my local shopping mall. I had looked up at the sky for a moment, thinking to myself how beautiful Fall was. A light breeze carried the scent of fall leaves, pumpkin spices, and the soon to come hint of winter chill. It was a partly cloudy day and I couldn't help but close my eyes and take a deep breath. I smiled and opened my eyes as I glanced around me at all the families hustling around in their own preparation for the upcoming holidays. 

Across the street at the local coffee shop, I saw couples holding hands with hot cups in the other hands, laughing and sharing stories. Soft kisses exchanged. Next door, families entered the clothing shop and I imagined them picking out matching pajamas and doing their winter shopping. I felt that ping in my heart once again, a long forgotten desire for my own family. I rubbed my chest as if I could somehow remove that pang and that's when I saw them. 

A large lumberjack sized man was walking around the side of a mini van to open the side door. I had to squint hard because the resemblance was uncanny. I knew there had to be other men in the world that had a similar statue to Carl, but it threw me off seeing some one else look so similar with my own eyes. He'd opened the sliding door as well as the passenger side door of the van as I watched on curiously. 

A little girl around the age of 10 with long pale blonde hair got out of the van, followed by a young boy who looked to be around the same age. I saw a young women get out of the passenger side door, assisted by the man as she took his hand to step out of the van. For a moment I had smiled to myself, thinking about how Carl would do the same for me. The women was fare skinned with light blonde hair and in great shape. She smiled up at him when the kids ran over and each grabbed one of the legs of the man and I could hear his laugh, Carl's laugh. 

My mouth hung ajar, I couldn't comprehend what I had heard. It wasn't possible. Carl was miles away working. He wouldn't even be due back in town for another week. My entire being soon became numb, it felt like all the noise in the world slowed and became muffled. It was as if I was suddenly underwater. It became hard to breath, hard to hear, hard to see. My eyes filled with tears and they quickly started to poor down my face. This was Carl's wife. Carl's Kids. Carl. 

The family quickly hurried into the breakfast shop, leaving me stunned in the parking lot, wishing desperately to wake from this horrible nightmare. In that moment, I realized I had always been the other women. Things started to click in my mind quickly. Carl had claimed he didn't want kids, because he already had them. He didn't think being legally married was a requirement to build a happy life together, because he was already married. I had seen the rings on both their hands. 

I drug myself back into my car, disregarding the rest of the shopping bags left in the cart. I was numb, I felt like my entire life had no meaning any more. If our entire life together had this big of a lie inside of it, how was I to trust anything to be real any more? What was even the point of anything? I can't remember driving home, but I did somehow make it back to the house Carl and I had shared for almost 11 years. I sat there in the silence our the home we shared. A home that only that morning had been my safe heaven and now, it felt like a prison.

Carl always did the shopping, not to pamper me, but to prevent anyone from seeing us together. To prevent anyone from telling me I was with a married man. To prevent me from seeing his family. To prevent anyone from telling his wife about me. Of course he didn't want me to work. In our tiny town, word would travel fast, therefore the chance of this secret being discovered was very high. He had kept this secret for a long time though. I couldn't help but cry, knowing he had never intended to tell me. How long would he have kept this ruse going? What was I supposed to do now? 

I had never been a dramatic women. Life was hard enough as it was, so I had always gone out of my way to stay out of drama. I had no idea where either of my parents went off too. My best friend had past away years ago and I hadn't bothered to try to make new friends. I found it difficult to open up to some one new. It was tedious, the monotony of getting to know another person, having some one else to care about, to answer too, to be involved in their drama. To have someone always wanting to know your business. All I needed was Carl. So in the situation I was now in, I had no one to turn to. 

By the end of the week I had already cried as much as I could cry. I had screamed into my pillow every night. I had packed all of his things, then unpacked and repacked them more times then I could count. I had already broken many of our picture frames, scribbling out his stupid face. I had even burned and flushed a few of the photos; trying to find an outlet for my anger and pain. The numbness had never gone away. The small, ever diming hope, that this was just a cruel joke was still lingering in the back of my mind. I knew however, the night he was due home, this was reality. 

I had made myself a cup of coffee and sat waiting for him at our little kitchen table. I had a roller suit case next to me full of all the important items I needed. After I had gotten some of my emotions out during the week I had decided there was no point in a big fight. There was no going forward together. I didn't want to hear sorry or excuses. Sure, some place deep down, I wanted him to hurt like I did. I wanted to rip his whole world apart like mine had been. Yet, I couldn't see a point. All I wanted was to know why. How he could lie to me this way for so long. 

When Carl walked through the doorway, I was not there to greet him as I had done for so many years. I watched his eyes set on me with worry, then as they glanced at the packed suit case next to me, understanding and sadness washed over his face. He sighed softly, as if he had been expecting this day to happen. His shoulders sank as he quietly walked over to the table and slumped into the chair across from me. We sat in silence a while. Him with his eyes cast down at the table and me slowly stirring the coffee in front of me. 

I inhaled deeply and finally managed to look up at him. "When?" I question him, making great effort to keep my voice from shaking. Carl looked up for a moment, I could see it on his face. He had no clue how to tell me what needed to be said. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, seeming to be unable to speak. 

"There is no fixing this Carl. You know that, don't you? I saw you. I saw them. The family you've been hiding. The way you are acting tells me my fears are real. I will not continue to be the other women in this. I think after all these years, I deserve to know why?" I looked back into my coffee, feeling my tears start to whelm up again. I didn't want him to see me cry. I didn't want to give him any chance to comfort me for fear that I would allow him back into my now shattered heart. 

In the end, Carl did finally explain everything to me. He had a one night stand on his graduation night. He'd gone out to celebrate with a few friends and drank far too much. He'd slept with a women that night and she ended up being pregnant. He went on to explain that the women knew all about me. That he had actually made a deal with her. Her parents had disowned her when she refused to abort the baby. In order to appease her family, she requested Carl marry her and give her one more child. This would satisfy her family and prevent her from losing her inheritance as well as her access to her families wealth. 

In turn, Carl could be free to spend all but one week with me during his time off. Since he worked in the mines, it was very easy for his wife to brush off the long periods of time he was away. She had put her own money into investments and was receiving a residual income that she had told her family was Carl's contribution to their household. Another condition to their deal was that he was not permitted to take me into certain parts of the town for fear of being embarrassed by the situation. At the end of it all, Carl reached for my hands, trying to pull me close to him and pleaded for me to understand. To stay with him. He apologized profusely. Swore that I was the one he actually loved and he had only made a mistake. He had done what he thought was the best thing to do in order to stay with me. He begged for me to continue to live our life as if nothing changed. 

I ripped my hands out of his, disgusted with the man now kneeling before me. He had deceived me for almost 11 years. An entire life apart from me, from us. An entire family he was hardly home for in order to see me. I felt sick. I felt guilty for those poor kids. Only being able to see their father for a week with months at a time he was gone. They lived that way for years. How could this man who I had idolized, I had built my entire world around, and he was never who I thought him to be. I had heard all I could bare. My mind would not change. There was nothing to be fixed here.