Chapter 3: Haze

We sat in silence form one another at our tiny kitchen table for a long time before Carl finally stood and disappeared into our bedroom. I couldn't tell you how long I sat there alone. A few minutes, a few hours. Hell, it could have been days. My entire life had been built around this man and the reality of the lie I had been living just would not sink in. I didn't want it to be true. I had thought I had no tears left to cry, but my eyes blurred over and soon tears fell onto the table I was sitting at. No matter how much I wished, I knew this wasn't something I'd wake up from. 

I gently pat my checks in an attempt to regain my composure. I stood with a long sigh, taking a final look around the place I used to call home. I would never return to this place, to him, to this life I had been so happy in. I reached for the handle of my suit case when Carl returned from the bedroom with a suit case of his own. He didn't make eye contact with me, which I was perfectly fine with. He sat a manila envelope on the table and began to raise his head, in the end he couldn't look me in the eye. He quietly apologized to me and just like that, the last 10 years of my life had been rendered meaningless. 

Carl was gone a moment latter, off to continue his life with his family. I wanted to be angry but how could I? In the end, I was actually the other women. If what he had told me was true, then she knew about me already. The more I thought about it, the more it actually made sense. Carl was so adamant about everything. What stores we would shop and when we would go out. He had been so clever in always phrasing it as if he was being considerate of me and maybe there was some truth that he was trying to be considerate of me. How much of it was to cover his own ass though? How much of it was because he was trying to show care for me? 

I clenched my fist thinking back to our high school days. How much I was looking forward to having a family and becoming a wife. I wanted to be proud to call him my husband and shower him with endless affection. I had looked forward to bragging rights because of how well he treated me. I wanted to feel pride in my services to him because he had made me feel like the most precious being in his world. That life slowly died however, and now I finally knew the truth. My hopes dashed and my desire for a family life was next to impossible to fulfill now. 

Had he just been upfront with me from the beginning, at least I could have made my own choice. I could have still had the chance to find someone who I could trust to create a life with. Yet here I am, 28 and broken in almost every way. How do I learn to trust again after such a heartache? How could I even wish to love again after this letdown? What am I even supposed to do now? My eyes fell upon the envelope on the table and the urge to grab it and tear it to shreds was almost over whelming. In the end, I shoved it off the table and like a child throwing a tantrum, I stopped on it over and over until it was black with the dust from my shoes. 

Huffing a bit after the sudden exertion, I glanced around the kitchen. A flood of now sour memories came to me as I recalled parts of my life. I looked to the floor, not wanting to be reminded of anything further. Tears build in my eyes once more as I slowly crumpled to the floor. Uncontrolled emotions kept flooding my mind. I felt pointless, hurt, and alone. Carl was the only person in the world I had and now I couldn't depend on him ever again. I clenched my fist again and pound the floor. I repeated this countless times, until my fist hurt then went numb. At some point, exhaustion had taken over and I found myself opening my eyes the next morning. 

I stretched and rubbed my body. It ached all over from laying on the hard floor all night. I shivered, feeling a bit lost for just a moment before the events of the day prior came rushing in on me. My eyes came across the envelope and this time I felt composed enough to look inside. I huffed as I stood and picked up the envelope. I tossed it to the table as I walked past to make myself a strong cup of coffee. I sat down a few minutes later and took a deep breath before I opened the envelope. 

Inside, I found the deed to the house. Turned out, that Carl had put it in my name. There was also a document with a savings account he had opened for me in secret as well. It looked like he had been expecting this day to come. Admittedly, I had started to wonder what I would do in the future since Carl had always taken care of everything, I knew I was going to struggle with a finding a job and trying to figure out how to live on my own. I didn't want to accept anything from him however, I also felt that he owed me something for wasting so much of my life. Sure, he'd done everything in his power to keep me comfortable and happy, but he had also taken away my chance to live the family life I had originally wanted. 

As I stared at the documents before me, I realized that he had known from the start that I would be the one he was going to let go of in the end. Fury rose inside me as hot tears started to spill from my eyes. My head was already throbbing from the amount of crying I had done that past week. I clenched my teeth. That bastard knew the whole time and still couldn't do the decent thing and let me go. Let me find the person who would have given me the life I craved. He fooled me into thinking I was ok letting go of those hopes. He had me convinced I was content with life as long as he was part of it. 

The reality of what I was sank in further. Like a gust of winter air, cold, cruel and unwanted. I had become a prisoner of my own life and it all happened so slowly that I hadn't even noticed it wasn't what I wanted. I had become a pet to Carl. He feed me, took care of me, treated me, but I was always just there waiting for him. I felt like a caged bird that never tried to fly because they'd been convinced their wings wouldn't work. Stay here in this cage, it's soft and safe from the outside world. At least here you will have everything you could wish for, except of course true freedom. 

In that moment I decided I would sell the house and everything in it. I couldn't bare to remain in this place with so many memories I no longer wanted to relive. My time had been wasted here, but at least I could get some financial gain from it all. I may not have wanted anything from Carl now, but I was also sharply aware I had no experience to take care of things on my own. I had no family and I really had no interest in explaining over and over why I had never held a job before. I also didn't want to be seen in this town, have to run into that women on a corner one day or even worse to see them all out together again. 

I shook away the thoughts trying to focus on moving forward. I knew this was going to be a tough time for me but there was no point to sit still. Carl had made his choice and now, I could finally make mine. I'd sell this house and use the profits to move someplace far from here. A small cute town where no one would know me and I could start all over again. Maybe I would finally try my hand at writing. I felt a tiny jolt of peace as I genuinely thought about my future. I knew I would be ok so long as I never fell in love again.