(F) Chapter Seven

I've missed the old you. You've grown up, and you grew up into someone I've never met before.

So, my mind created the perfect version of you, based on how you were when you were younger.

A version of you that I fantasized about when I was sad, so that 'you' could comfort me.

A version of you I could confide in, although I knew I couldn't talk to a person that doesn't exist, I dreamt about it.

I dreamt about us.

Our friendship.

If we had a relationship together.

If we…

If you..

If I..

All the 'If's' you could imagine.

And just the thought of the fact you were always there for me. I could confide in you with no fear, I could talk to you without any anxiety, I could frolic with you whenever.

But that was with the person I made in my head. 

And I wish, I sometimes would wish that, the person I made in my head would be you.

The real you. 

The person I ended up falling in love with when I was younger.

But the person I used to love, the person that slowly started to make me hate you, was you.

I've never wanted to hate you. I've always said that.

I've never wanted to hurt you. I've always said that. 

I would never distance myself. I used to tell you that.

I would never betray you. I've always told you that.

But, now, sometimes I wonder who I really promised that to.

Was it you? Or the version I made of you, that I said those sweet words to.

The words I said that spoke like an oath, the words that were heavy with every genuine ounce of love, compassion, empathy, and respect I've always had for you.

I was like a knight. A knight that swore to never betray its king.

Do you understand how draining and sad it is to realize that our friendship turned into that? Into a friendship where our roles as best friends turned into that?

Yet, the younger version of yourself was something I wanted to hold onto so dearly that I didn't just let our friendship turn into a memory.

I refused to do that, since I felt that I would lose the younger version and the Ideal version of you. The ones I couldn't afford losing since that's all that kept me in our friendship.

Like I've said, I started to stay friends with you because of how long I knew you, the familiarity I had with you, and the fact we've taken too long building our friendship. 

Why would I just want to throw all of that away because I was struggling mentally, because I wasn't getting the same treatment back that I was treating you with, because I had I feeling my mom was right about our friendship being unhealthy?

I had a feeling my mom was right. Especially when I brought it up to you and you completely dismissed it and said my mom was wrong.

But why should I care if I even thought my mom was right when you said she was wrong?

I mean, why should I care about myself?

Putting all of my life into you, made me forget how much I disrespect and disregard myself.

How much I don't care about myself. How I didn't care if you even hurt me.

I mean, if I didn't care, maybe you shouldn't have cared either. 

Well you didn't care anyways so that doesn't make much of a difference.

So what about when I started to care about myself? Figuring out who I was, what I wanted in my life, to have genuine love and happiness for myself…

You didn't get the hint?

Clearly you didn't since we are still here in this situation.

Yet delusion is a real thing. Rather than being blindly loyal to you, maybe I was just completely delusional.

Delusional to the fact that I thought, even with the way things were going, you would change yourself and try to be like your younger self again.

I've always changed myself for you. I killed my inner peace. Child. Happyness. And countless opportunities to make other people become closer in my life because I wanted to keep you first.

You even got jealous and mad that I loved my dog more than you and my dog was in first place… 

Your love must be so nice and sweet right?

So calm and warm..

So beautiful and happy…

Why did I think about you like that? Why did I think your love for me was like that?

Why did I think that just because I changed for you, you would do the same for me?

I can't tell if you ever loved me as you did when you were younger.. and sometimes I wish I could go back in time and take you with me to show you how much you've changed.

Show you how much I've changed and grown more in God.

Show you how much hurt you've caused me.

Show you the pain I've been through because of your actions.

I want you to face reality.

I've already faced the reality I needed to face, which was about us.

You need to face reality. All of reality. 

Just know that my actions were respectful, reasonable, and fair.

Yours?

You tell me when you find out.

Or should I say when you decide to find out.