(O) Chapter Six

Overthinking. Desperation. Fear. Anxiousness. Shaking. Crying. Short of breath. Blurred vision. Talking. Stuttering. My voice; fading in and out. 

      I said I didn't care. I didn't cry. I didn't give my heart the room to breathe. To break free and show how I really felt about this.

   My heart died for the month. Not breathing. My blood stops running and pumping throughout my body but I'm still alive.

I breathed calmly, unaffected as my heart stopped beating. I was happy in my obliviousness to how I actually felt.

I've done that all my life. What do you expect me to do besides that?

That's how I've learned to move about in my life, not oblivious to others or how they feel, but oblivious to my feelings and letting people control what I feel.

I don't talk about how I feel. And when I try to, I go mute. Although I know it's the devil trying to keep me silent, I could never get a word out.

So, I would have never thought that the words of me saying "I would trust you more and tell you what I'm feeling…" ever came out of my mouth.

And I'm glad I never told you crap.

I'm glad I never trusted you the way I wanted. Since I have a feeling that could and would have broken me even more than when I asked for a break.

Who knows, you could have told anyone my business like you did with your family. You know I prioritize my reputation, and you ruined it when you told your siblings what I did before.

I could never tell you things that make me have an episode. When my mind goes blank, I'm filled with emptiness besides the fear and anxiety I feel at the moment.

That I need someone to hold me and hug me and comfort me when I'm in a state where I can barely think for myself.

That; I act on impulse, I resort to old habits since I have no idea how to control my emotions at the moment.

That I function like a zombie, unable to do anything and that after my episode is over, I'm out of it for the rest of the day. Or week. 

Yet, I know, even if I handed you the title of being my 'best friend', you wouldn't be able to comfort me like God has. And you wouldn't be able to comfort me like the people around me have that TRULY support me.

The people that love me unconditionally and they love me so much that not even a second thought or thing I say to them could make them love me less.

I know you wouldn't be able to do that, although I loved you unconditionally. Extremely unconditionally. And I realized I picked the wrong person to love like that.

Since you never did the same for me. I put my time and effort into someone I would kill myself over, not In a figureitive way, in actuality. 

You would say that you would die for me, I believed that until I realized that it was more of you just saying it and not willing to actually do it.

I would have done everything for you. No matter how hard of a challenge it would be for me. I loved you so unconditionally, that I disregard everything else besides you.

I didn't care how you treated me. But now that I see how lopsided and unfair our friendship was, I know my worth now. 

I'm not sorry for taking a break for as long as I did. I'm not sorry for not explaining to you what I was going through since I knew you would tell people I didn't want to know.

Just like you did before. 

How could I trust you? 

The "I love you so much!", "you're my best friend", the letters, The "We need to hang out!", "I miss you so much", "We are inseparable".

To my mom, warning me about you, but I trusted you more than I trusted my mom.

The "He would never do that to me", "He's my best friend", "I trust him", "He means the world to me", "You're my number 1", "We won't be separated."

To me, finding out you chose her.

To "Are you serious?", "I'm going to regret this", "Why didn't you just choose me", "I loved you", "I love you..?"

My words have changed constantly about you. 

"I love you so much!" "Could this get any worse." "You're my best friend" "Are you even my friend now." "We need to hang out!" "I don't care if we see each other" "We are inseparable" "I think it's time to let go of each other."

And the "He would never do that to me" "You've done worse than what I could ever imagine" "He's my best friend" "Friend?" "I trust him" "I'm so glad I never told you half of the stuff I've always wanted to say to you." "He means the world to me" "I think you mean 'meant.'" "You're my number 1" "*Were"

And even more. 

K, I don't think I'll ever trust you. Not like I have before, but I don't know if I could ever bring myself to. At least like how I wanted to.

Either we'll never talk to each other again because of your pride or we won't be able to build our friendship again.

Neither do I think I'll ever love you unconditionally and so possessive and obsessive like I have. 

Do I regret taking a break? Like I said before, no. I'm not sorry for anything, since this made me realize a lot about myself, stuff I needed to know but I've just been ignoring.

Rather than regret, I feel so much more relieved that I was able to distance myself from you, even if that means that it could be the end of our friendship. I got closer to God, and if this situation was the reason why, I would do it again, forever.

I'm glad God gave me the ok to let you go. Even if it wasn't for forever, He knew I needed to distance myself from you since our relationship as friends..

Could never actually be considered a relationship or friendship. It was a toxic and unhealthy one.. One that held so many good memories but were kept and thought about to blind ourselves about what was really going on.

K, I'll never regret becoming best friends with you. But, I feel like our friendship could have been a lot better.

We could have been better. Both of us. Maybe if I communicated more, if I trusted you more, then maybe, just maybe we could have salvaged our friendship.

But I knew after those words left my mouth, after I saw you pick her, after I cried over you, after you told my business, after I started to resent you.

After I started to resent you, I knew it was over.

Because how in the world would I start to resent someone who had been the center of my world for years.

 A person I served without hesitation and disregard my own feelings for.

A person I would kill myself for. A person I loved unconditionally. A person I felt was my first and only priority. 

A person who I idolized yet admired. A person I obsessed over in an unhealthy way. A person I wouldn't dare talk back to. 

A person I knew who had control over me. A person I knew that had a chance of not caring as much as I did for you, yet I never cared.

You were so much to me, to the past me. The past me that would continually be that dog waiting for you to come back or the dog that would run after you. 

Or the bird that was finally allowed to be let out of its cage but would never take that first step out. 

Or the innocent blind person who stared at the sun for too long and never looked away.

Or the candle that could continue to melt and become even hotter, despite knowing that it was the fire's fault.

Or the person that bowed down to you in complete and utter loyalty.

Or a kid that was a knight and you, Kendrick, was the king, one that possibly looked down at that little child. One that looked up to you in a way more than one.

You've caused me to be sad more than I could count anymore.

Although, I'm sad you couldn't be here for me when I'm going through something I would probably need your support for.

 I realized you wouldn't care.

You would fly right over what I would be saying without a second thought about how I feel.

Since you've done that.

I don't find that fair, since I would never do that to you.

But I forget that we are different.