(E) Chapter Nine

(TW: Mention of Self Harm, Relapsing, Suicidal Thoughts/ tendencies/ actions/ feelings, Cussing, Encouragement of Suicidal Thoughts/ Behaviors (I DO NOT CONDON THIS))

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The night of that call. The one where you told me that you would have put me over Khole. That you said you wouldn't allow her to come between our friendship.

What the hell happened to those words? Because, clearly, those words were BS. Total BS. And that pisses me off so much I wish I could yell at you.

I've never yelled at you. For anything you've done to me. And I never understood why and now that I think about it, you would yell at me with no problem at all whatsoever.

I want to yell at you so badly. For so many things you've done or made me feel.

To put you back into your spot, to realize I'm actually a person and I need to be heard.

I hate you. I want to yell that so loud. 

But how can I hate you when I think about you and still cry when I recall happy memories that me and you have had?

How can I hate you when I want to see your face again and beg for you to hold me and take me back and to help me?

How can I hate you when I used to crave you every single day for almost 6 years.

How can I hate you when deep down, I want you to comfort and hug me tightly.

How can I hate you when I want to share what's happening to me in this moment and I want your support.

Knowing I  probably wouldn't have gotten all of these things, I would still imagine it.

I want to hate you so badly. And I can feel my heart slowly turn into hatred when I type this book. Wanting to have no remorse at all about the things I say.

But how can my heart still want to sob and cry every time I think about you.

Next time I see you, I can't tell if I want to punch you, hug you, or yell at you.

I want to yell at you so badly right now as I cry in front of you. Why couldn't it just end like that? Where I yell about how I feel about you.

Yell about everything. Everything.

About all of my problems, my past, and you.

I feel my body becoming heavy and more anxious or mad as I type this. I feel the hatred in my heart starting to form towards you.

I feel it bubbling up to my chest as I envision myself yelling at you.

Yelling about how I told you that I would be free from self harm in a year on December 29th, 2023. 

But when I said I wanted to talk to you about it…

You were more concerned about the fact If I did it again than when I mentioned I would be free from it in 9 days.

You didn't even seem happy for me. You didn't care to even congratulate me with sincerity. You didn't care, you didn't do crap. 

Yet, you can laugh and sit on call with me, Al and you, telling me to go cut myself and jump off my balcony when I was being so deadass about it.

And when I faked cutting myself, you told me to actually do it.

WHAT THE FRICK IS WRONG WITH YOU.

WHAT KIND OF FRIEND DOES THAT CRAP???

WHY WAS AL THE ONLY PERSON THAT WAS GENUINELY F*CKING CONCERNED ABOUT ME?

WHY WAS AL THE ONLY ONE TELLING ME TO STOP WHEN YOU TOLD ME TO KEEP GOING AND TO ACTUALLY DO IT?

THAT YOU WERE THE ONE TO TELL ME TO JUMP OFF MY BALCONY AND ACTUALLY END MY LIFE.

THAT YOU TOLD ME TO CUT MYSELF DEEPER AND YOU KNOW SO F*CKING WELL THAT I'VE BEEN DEALING WITH THAT SHIT SINCE I WAS 7.

I HATE YOU.

I HATE YOU

I HATE YOU SO MUCH

WHATS WRONG WITH YOU.

How could I even call you my friend when you've said that to me.

With no remorse at all.

And laugh and joke about it when I was crying.

I don't understand how I can think of you as a friend. 

Because 

What friend does that?

To say to a person who's always there for you no matter what, to cut themselves and jump off a balcony.

And you know even if it was a joke, you should know that out of ALL F*CKING PEOPLE YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE BEEN THE ONE TO SAY THAT.

HOW DO YOU THINK THAT MADE ME FEEL???

THAT SOMEONE I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT TO EVENTUALLY TRUST MY EVERYTHING INTO SAYS THAT CRAP TO ME.

And telling me that if I wasn't gone the next morning I was a "Bitch" for not killing myself.

No wonder you didn't feel happy for me when I told you I was almost free from self harm on that day.

And now, I'm here, back a square one because I relapsed. 

Yet I still wished that you were here to hug and comfort me. Knowing damn well that hug would have been so cold, I would start shivering.

I don't understand why I thought everything you've said could have been perceived as 'you being a good friend'.

The title of you being my Best friend was an excuse.

It's become an excuse that you've abused and that I've allowed you to abuse since I thought that's what you really were to me.

Demsie told me that a best friend is someone (finish)

But you, if there was a title for you, I would have no clue what it would be. 

You know some of the things I've been through.

The stuff I've struggled with.

And you've known me for so long, 

Yet you don't even know how to give me the reassurance I need?

To comfort me when It's pretty obvious that I need to be?

I don't understand how I could put in so much effort towards you for so long and not have a second thought about it.

You should know what makes me mad by now. You should know what makes me sad by now.

You should know that some of the things you say or do to me are not ok.

You knew I'd always loved you. And that I would have been there to support you and have your back for anything and everything.

But what about me??

When have I heard those words come out of your mouth recently?

It pisses me off. Completely.

Maybe you don't understand how heart wrenching it is to know that your 'Best friend' wouldn't do the same stuff I've done for you, to me.

You've ruined my reputation with your family. I care so much about my reputation and you should know that.

And now, I finally get to ruin yours.

Since you already ruined your reputation in my eyes, I'll gladly put it out to the world. Letting them know how much this affected me.

How much you affected me.

How much this whole situation has been such a heavy burden on me.

I've lost my best friend.

The person I thought I could and would be happy with for the rest of my life, and never be separated, or stop being friends with each other.

I've lost my love.

The person I loved so deeply and dearly that I held no regard to the things I was doing. That I could never get hurt from you.

I've lost myself.

I lost my identity. 

I lost my willpower. My willingness.

I lost my ability to speak.

I lost my voice.

I lost my light.

I lost my passion. My patience.

I've lost so much. And so much more.

But now I realized that.. 

You never actually loved me.

Maybe when we were younger but now, 

You never loved me as a friend or anything more than that. You simply accepted the love I gave, poured my heart and soul into, and took it for your own.

The tears I've spilled in our friendship spoke so many words you chose to ignore.