(E) Chapter Ten

Who knew that just one word, one thing, could ruin my day.

I feel sick.

I want to throw up.

I feel anxious.

I want to throw up.

I haven't felt this way in a long time.

Why do I feel this way?

It makes me feel so sick.

Why was that your choice of words?

Especially for you talking to me for the first time in a few weeks.

I feel sick.

Help me.

Why do I feel guilty for being happy when I haven't done anything wrong.

Am I allowed to laugh?

Am I allowed to smile? 

Am I allowed to not feel sorry?

I know my actions affected you, but you also need to realize something. Something I should have told you a long time ago.

Something I should have told you recently instead of holding my tongue back; your actions affected me too.

More than you'll ever know, More than you'll ever ever find out. Since I know you would just flip the script to make it look like it hurt you the most.

How could it hurt you more than me? The way you've damaged me, hid me from the light you knew I needed to see. 

While you were drenched in the sun's rays, aware of what you might be doing and you knew if I ever brought it up, all you would have to do is shut that idea down in my head.

And like a little puppet that needed a slight fix, I would be fine.

But now that you can't fix a puppet that cut off the masters strings on their own and realized that glue and bandaids couldn't hold them together anymore; at the same time the puppet realized that every single step they took, the glue would rip their skin and the band aids would fall off, leaving a dent in their body from how long they've been on for.

Bleeding all over the black painted floor since you knew this would happen one day.

You painted the floor black, so you couldn't see how much I'd bleed out. Making my blood look like it was only water that was seeping out of me.

As I've cried, panicked, and realized so many things that you've made me feel that I've been ignorant to.

I wanted to scream and take you out of my life completely so I could breathe and not feel caged.

But I always stopped myself out of fear of losing you completely even though that's what I wanted.

 I wanted to let you go.

Not lose you.

Yet every page I saw in our chapter, I saw how long it was. How repetitive and how exhausting it was.

I tried to rip pages out of the book, wanting to get rid of the bad things but I realized that I can't change what was written already.

I can't change the things I've done, said, or regret.

You can't change the things you've done, said, or regret.

But I also found out that it's my book. I can end it whenever I want. And I can end our chapter if I think that's what's best for me.

Although I would acknowledge your hurt, pain and frustration from my actions. You should recognize the pain, hurt, and frustration I've felt over the years of being friends with you.

You've experienced it for a moment and you get mad. 

You've only experienced it for a moment. 

I've always kept the peace. I would never give you a reason to get mad, sad, frustrated or fully anxious about anything. And if I did, it would be because of how I expressed my feelings about things.

It would make you feel disappointed in yourself. That's why you would get mad. Because of the guilt and disappointment in yourself.

That I exposed your flaws to you and made you face them and show you how it made me feel. You couldn't handle facing them.

But soon that problem would be covered up and 'healed' after you apologized and I accepted your apology.

But since this moment lasted longer than an hour for you, or a few days.

You got mad.

Mad about the fact that I gave you more pain than you've ever experienced before with me.

But the pain I've felt. Has been over years.

Not moments.

Yet you still downplay it, saying that my actions affected you too. 

So are you saying, you would rather have me hold everything back and to myself and not take time for myself so you can live peacefully without feeling uncomfortable?

While I live in Emotional invalidation? 

In agony?

In solicitude?

In vexation?

Is that what you wanted for me all this time?

Because now I realize that, I shouldn't be taking that. 

Not from anyone.

Including you.