(D) Chapter Eleven

How long was I expected to live like this?

How long was it until I realized I acted like this?

Why do I feel guilty for feeling happy?

Is it because you're not around?

Why do I feel convicted when I smile? 

Although I know you're more concerned about other things than if I smile or not.

Why do I want to feel guilty for the things I do when I haven't done anything wrong?

Why do I feel guilty for the things I've done when you also have made me feel some way?

When has it become like this?

I wish I could be normal again.

Smile genuinely.

Smile like it's my last time, with my jaw and cheeks hurting like crazy from how hard I'm smiling.

Be able to sleep peacefully, and look out my window and smile, knowing that I don't have to worry about you.

Look at the moon and smile without dejection in my eyes or smile.

To feel the dark cool night calm me in a peaceful way instead of a way to escape.

Let go of everything.

And just breathe.

Not feeling my guilt, emotions, or anything.

Just  gratefulness to God allowing me to live another day.

That I can live my days without worry or anything that could cause me harm to myself.

Yet I used to think that I deserved the way you treated me.

You said that, despite what I was going through, I should have been there for you regardless.

I have sacrificed so much of myself for you. My mind, my emotions, my energy, time, everything. Yet you would consider me selfish since I'm trying to keep myself alive.

You said, we should have talked it out, when you've never put the effort in to talk it out with me.

You said I abandoned you, when I've felt that way during almost all of our friendship.

You said that, I left you at your lowkey moment, when you've never been there for me in my lowest moments.

You said that, you didn't understand why I was going on break.

Maybe you should have used your brain. We've talked about our situation a week before and maybe my feelings meant nothing to you, that's why you didn't remember.

You've only cared about yourself. You seemed like you would have done anything for me like dying.

But you weren't on the same level as me. Your words were light as for mine were heavy. Heavy in meaning, heavy in truth, heavy in love, heavy in fact.

And now my words stand that same. They are just as heavy. Heavy in meaning, truth, love, and fact.

I couldn't imagine a world without you, but now that I'm living it, I feel so much better.

I feel calmer. I never knew my life could be so much more peaceful without you. 

Yet when I'm going through my hard times, I always look for you to come and help me. Even though you've never helped me before. So why should I continue to look for you?

Why should I continue to chase someone who hurts me?

Why should I continue a path that makes me feel anxious?

Why would I continue to be with you when you make me have nightmares?

There were only two moments I felt comforted by you.

You've been comforted by me your whole life besides one moment.

You said you felt abandoned.

Alone.

Lonely.

Bitter.

Sorry I couldn't help you.

Sorry I didn't stop the break sooner.

Sorry I ruined our friendship.

Sorry I ruined the way you looked at me.

Sorry I was relieved and happy on the break.

Sorry I rarely felt guilty about my break.

Sorry I was standing up for myself.

Sorry I spoke out like I've never done before.

Sorry you didn't take the chance to fix this.

Sorry you felt pity for yourself.

Sorry you've felt something I've felt forever.

Sorry you never got the reassurance I've never gotten.

Sorry you had bitterness in you.

Sorry you didn't try to understand me.

Sorry.

But I don't regret anything. 

God told me through someone I would find more friends that are Christian like.

Ones who genuinely care and love me.

Respect me and respect my boundaries.

Appreciate me and encourage me.

Rather than tearing me down to build me back up again or to tear me down and keep me down forever.

I deserve to be happy.

I deserve to take my own feelings into consideration and not put other people's feelings over my own.

I've been in this cycle my whole life of pleasing people for validation in some way.

Grades

Time

Hanging out

Doing things I didn't want to do

And other things…

I want to live my own life. And if that's a life without you, my heart will have to take the time to heal but I refuse to go back to how things were.

I'll definitely miss us. The memories we have shared. I mean of course I will…

You are.

You were.

And now you'll never be

My best friend.

Our endings were my new beginnings to something prosperous that God has in store for me.

I look back at the end of this chapter consisting of you and I for 6 years.

Knowing it has come to an end.

Looking down the houses of memories we've created.

Walking outside to the garden.

As I watch the fire consume and burn the house down that we've built.

You left and I maintained.

And now you've ended completely and I burn entirely.

Not waiting anymore. 

I'm not waiting anymore.