(O) Chapter Twelve
This is the end of everything I've fought for. For everything I've said. It has come to an end today. No metaphors are on display nor any lines I'll have to repeat. This is real and it's new so I guess we'll see.
We haven't talked in weeks and then I get spammed by Al, asking me to join the call in the group even though I left a while ago. I said no. I didn't want to, I was tired and I was about to go and take my nap. He asked again. And again. And again. While I kept saying no, knowing he was trying to make me talk to you in some way. Soon after I asked my mom if I should join the call or not, and after a lot of praying, I joined the call.
Quiet. Dead silence. Until Al talks and says Hi, I say Hi, and then you say hi. And hesitantly, I say hello back. Then you go on and speak, saying that you're sorry for the way that you acted and that it was immature. That you acted impulsively and the words you spoke were out of anger. I accepted your apology. And sadly in that moment I felt my old self coming back, ready to run right back to you. But I didn't. Then you said if I wanted to, we could start our friendship again.
Wow.. ok. I then get a turn to speak. And in short, I pretty much said no, and I would like to just stay as not being friends at all or just well known acquaintances.
Soon you left the call and me and Al are just talking.
That's kind of it.
But the talk with Al made me realize something.
When 'P' was in my life, she was my first best friend ever. And after she bullied me, spread rumors about me, and countless other things. It hurt me so bad, that's how I started to self harm and wanting to die. She hurt me so badly.
But then there is you.. you hurt me worse than 'P' I think that really says something. It wasn't just your words, your actions, or anything like that. It was everything that accumulated over the years. And I just can't deal with it anymore.
"100 questions"
"5/100"
"Describe her/him in one word." A TikTok popped up on my FYP.
10,873 comments
Mo☀️🧐
I can't describe him in one word but hurtful. He was my best friend and I loved him so deeply. Yet getting hurt and shattered completely in the process until I had enough. I'll never hate you. I just-
31m Reply
@Mo☀️🧐: Won't ever love you like I've done before, even if you still care about me in a way that makes me want to love you again. I never want you to be back in my close circle of friends for as long as I-
30m Reply
@Mo☀️🧐: Live Because I was set on not being friends with you anymore. I still care for you though. Maybe I always well but you hurt me more than 'P'. I think that says a lot about
23m Reply
@Mo☀️🧐: You
Yet AL knows how to make me hang onto my decisions. To somehow make me regret leaving you. I have nights where I don't even care if I died along the way; just to take you back. You still have a hold on my heart, completely. Maybe I've gotten used to being hurt. Maybe I just miss you extensively. I miss you. Despite me being hurt by you, my heart yearns to be with you again when I know It shouldn't be. The years I've known you, and I wouldn't mind if I just never spoke up and I continued to disintegrate while you thrived… as long as I would be by your side.
It tore me. Broke me down completely. Even as months pass, it still does. I can't get over you. My heart drops everytime I think of you and I don't know how I can live without you. I guess it's because I've dedicated my whole life to you. Every second, every moment, every memory, every thought, every feeling, every BREATH; went to you. It's been the first time I've ever been able to think for myself… maybe that's why I miss the familiarity of not being able to.
So for you, the best friend I've had the honor of having for 6 years, for the best friend that has given be countless of unforgettable memories, for the best friend that i've loved with all my heart and blindingly followed, for the best friend that I'll always have good memories of even if I can't stand to utter out your name, to the best friend that has given me the reason to pick up my pen and write.
Thank you.
To kenma:
I'm so sorry for the hurt that I've caused you and I'm sorry I couldn't be more selfless than I already was. When I said I would stay by your side forever, I meant it; but I wanted to be happy as I did it. I'll always love you. You'll always matter to me in some way. And I can't wait to see you thrive in your life.. and I can't wait to see myself thrive and flourish as I start living a deeper life in Christ. I know this isn't a nickname I have the right to call you anymore but I just wanted to say it once last time to you. I'll miss all the amazing times I've had with you. I wish I could have hugged you one last time before this all started. To see you smile and be happy with me one last time. Just to know that I would be ok, that this would be ok.
I don't know if you'll ever read this; which I know you're not a fan of reading lol but.. if you do just know-
Besides all of this;
In another universe, I hope we'll become friends again.
If it's in heaven, or if it's in the new world God will create, or never at all.
Best friends forever.
Right?