Meal time anxiety

Xui Xiang***

My hands trembled as I adjusted my dress for what felt like the hundredth time. My heart raced with anxiety and so many thoughts. I needed my appearance at its peak. My mum needed my appearance at its peak. 

I remembered yesterday, just that day alone, she had complained so much I knew if I tilted over then, something like hot wax would have dropped out. My ears were on fire. They were always on fire, especially during lunch. 

Ma had berated me for not having my hair adorned properly yesterday. And oh! Poor Lui had had it hot for her, she lost her job instantly. I had changed thrice before Ma saw the "perfect attire" for lunch and I had lost appetite for the meal before I even got to the table. 

It was happening all over again.

I took a deep shaky breath and practiced my smile. It was weak, I tried to broaden it, but only made my lips wider. My eyes couldn't. It couldn't lie. I just hoped I wasn't going to look "uncertain" to Ma and spare myself an hours-long lecture on it.

"Nǎinái (madam) Xui, I think you look alright now" the slightly older woman gave me a pat on my hair. I had stopped memorizing their names. Seeing new faces every week and learning new names was quite exhausting, but I had seen this face for more than a week now. I made a mental note to ask her a little about herself, if this lunch went well of course. 

You see, it's not that my mum was too mean or brutal, maybe my dad was but not my mum. Ma's taste was just on the very high side, that's all. It was very hard to please her, or do things the way she loved. You could use the term "perfectionist" on her. It came as quite a shock when I started growing, and I was everything she ever despised. 

"Not pale enough, blonde hair, grey-eyed, petite, lesbian, and worse, lowest self-esteem anyone could ever have." 

"Yes, I believe so." I finally replied to her. 

As I strode down the elegant golden stairs, I wondered if they were made of real gold. Pa had quite a large amount of inheritance, making us among the top elites. An inheritance he wasn't going to pass down to anyone, cause he couldn't have a son, and so he lavished it on so much, hosting one event after another. 

I felt my tummy form a knot, my food wasn't going to pass through again. But I had formed tactics for this, just push them, the food, around your plate, diapering them. The further they are from each other, the emptier your plate looks. Of course, I'd throw some into my mouth, but just a little, not so much to make me throw up. I prayed desperately it would be rice. The trick worked more with it. 

It is much easier for me to do this trick because my parents hardly looked in my direction while eating. I wasn't much of their concern. My Ma was mostly worried about my appearance because of the parties my Pa threw. As the only child, and heiress to the Xiang family, eyes were always on me, always! As someone with low esteem, you could only imagine how horrible and timid I behaved during these occasions, and the look of disgust on my Ma's face every time. 

I straightened my back as I took the last stairs that were blocking me from having a view of those seated at the dining. 

Pa wasn't a passionate man, he hardly ever showed emotions. So seeing him laugh at the table was clearly a good sign. Ma wouldn't want to bring up anything to change his mood. They loved each other, my Ma and Pa, so dearly that it was evident to everyone that I shouldn't have been born. 

I cleared my throat, to announce my presence. My Mum shot me a look, and I knew she was grading my look. I clenched my gown tightly as I walked towards them. 

"Ma, Pa," I said with a slight bow, making sure it was not so low and not so high either. The high ones showed disrespect while the extremely low ones were for the maids, the low class. 

I took the seat furthest from them. Dining with twelve chairs, my Pa had really looked forward to a full family. But why did he expect so much when he came from little? Grandpa and Grandma had been the best, with just one child and grandchild, they felt accomplished in life. They were my safe space but sadly had gone just a few years ago.

Grandpa first, then the next day, Grandma went too. How strong is the bond of love? 

I wondered who my Pa took after. 

The maids hurriedly dished my meal, and I started my trick. 

I felt my skin pricking, you know that sensation you get when you feel someone is looking at you. Yeah, and I was right. I raised up my head and saw my Ma staring at me. 

"Minister Chen's second son just arrived in town, and I'd love to form an alliance with the family. Juan should be around your age, I'd set up…"

I had choked on a leaf and had started coughing hard, my body shaking and jerking. The maids rushed to my side but I out them off with a slight raise of hands.

Why couldn't my Ma let me be? I had always done everything she asked of me, but this? Hell No! I could barely breathe beside them, let alone start up a conversation with them. I didn't know where I picked up this hatred for them, but I took it as it was. 

If only I had the opportunity to show my Ma just how well I could bond with my gender. Just once! But I had never seen any who liked me, not once. All feared my parents and didn't want to get on their wrong side. 

I wasn't going to raise my head up again, wasn't going to give my Ma this chance for this, at least not now.

My Pa stood up, but I shot my ears, my brain. I wasn't going to listen to this, it wasn't up for debate.

"Did you hear me Xui? I said don't embarrass me, 

your Ji Li ceremony( introduction into the society) will be there this week. Let your mum pick a partner or mine would be worse. 

And I wondered, was that a green leaf that was stuck on Pa's tooth, or he was missing one?