Private moment

Xui Xiang***

I gazed blankly at my Pa, still wondering if that was a missing tooth. I knew he never outwardly showed any care toward his own physical appearance. But could he walk around with a missing tooth? 

He kept talking and talking, but how come I couldn't hear a single word? I decided to nod, to show that I was following up. if it were important, I was sure Mum would still come to give me another lecture on it. 

His mouth had stopped moving, but he was still staring at me, my head still moving up and down mechanically. 

My Ma's sudden bang on the table snapped me out of this trance, her face had turned red. She pinched the bridge of her nose. This was to exhibit frustration. She always said, "A woman isn't meant to show her crazy side, especially when angry, all you have to do is slightly exhibit it." 

This was her slightly exhibiting her frustration, and I wondered if the bang on the table was one too. 

I watched my Ma pushing her chair backward, scraping the floor as she followed my Pa out of the dining room.

I let out a sigh of breath I didn't realize I was holding. My Pa's words settled in my ears like dew as I calmed down. 

"A weird way for my dad to announce my 16th birthday, right?" I said to the only companions I had. 

This one looked young but had the voice of an elderly woman, probably she had fine aging.

"Not at all, not at all." She didn't look at me as she said this. 

I tugged at the fancy in my hair. It had been pricking my scalp and I had to endure it throughout the lunch. 

Each time my Pa threw one of these parties, all eyes were always on me. Gossip mongers looking for one detail or another. It always felt suffocating.

But this was going to be worse, it was going to be all about me. And as if it ain't enough, word had gotten around, about me liking girls, and although it's not a crime or a taboo, it was a thing of shame. Not to me though. 

Once I heard, "So how would she continue the Xiang legacy?" 

Once I heard, "Poor thing, and her kind doesn't accept her either. Or she should have been coming to the parties with one."

By one, they meant a date. Every time an elite hosted a party, his children, no matter their age, always had to arrive with a date. 

Not me though, the last time I had been with one was when I was 7, and that was the last time I had ever been seen walking with a boy. And after that, party after party, I was announced, and always arrived alone. My Ma fanning herself harder. 

I pushed my chair too, thinking it made the same scrapping sound as Ma's, went to my room, and lay on the bed, still dressed exquisitely. 

My mind was reeling with the upcoming event. This one was going to be my 16th birthday party which meant I was a fully grown adult.

And not only does it mean that. The Ji Li ceremony meant that I was going to be welcomed into society. It was mandatory to be announced with a male. Ewwwww! That should be why Ma wanted to introduce me to Juan. I had seen him on some occasions, though not up close. He seemed calm and nice. But it wasn't him, not just him, it was them all, I just didn't want to be close to them! How do I make this make sense? 

I turned on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. Even the ceiling looked overly decorated. 

Why did I feel so much disdain toward them? Perhaps they had deeply scared my heart in my last life? But there is nothing like the last life, only a child would believe that. 

I laughed at my delirious imagination. 

Leave males I thought, as my mind changed, thinking about Mei Ling. Oh, she looked like the fairest of them all. The way she glowed at Pa's last party. 

I had desperately wanted her to notice me. I didn't know for sure if she was into girls, but I wouldn't know if I didn't give it a chance right? 

I had crossed her intentionally, countless times, hoping to bump into her, and I did bump into her once, feeling that soft body of hers. Oh! 

But I embraced myself afterward, stuttering like a fool,"l..l.. sorry." I blurted out, but that wasn't what I wanted to say. 

I had practiced this so hard, that the embarrassment hit me directly in my heart. 

"Hey, I'm Xui, really love your dress and hair. You're pretty, and I'd love to be friends with you." Even though it sounds weird, it would have been better than the utter rubbish that came out of my mouth. 

I took my pillow and screamed into it. I didn't use Ma's method to show my frustration, it wouldn't work as much as screaming. The pain I derived from screaming always had a way of reducing my frustration. What would a pinch at the bridge of my nose do? 

Even though Mei Ling had embarrassed me more by giggling as she excused herself, I couldn't get her off my mind. Was I that pathetic? 

I grazed my skin slightly, just as I had seen some people do at the park some weeks ago. I had never had my first kiss, and I didn't know what it felt like, but I always practiced with the back of my hands. 

I had to be ready for the right time. But what if I never saw the right one? 

I grazed my skin again and again, a sensation growing within, and I felt my core moistening. A harmless touch, I called it. I loved the feeling. 

The first time I discovered the wonders of my body was the very first day I grazed my skin after I had seen a boy and a girl at the park. When I felt the sensation down there, I touched it, wondering why it was suddenly wet, with strange slimy liquid. 

I had tried tasting it, but the salty taste made me realize it wasn't for licking. I tried feeling more of the wetness and it ticked something in my brain. A pleasure I had never felt. 

And since then, on nights when I fantasized about girls, I did this. 

Grazing my skin first, waiting for the sensation in my core, and feeling the wetness.

This night I was going to fantasize about Mei Ling.