Bubble Guns and Bad Haircuts

Alex arrived at what he gathered to be the Purple Platypuses' hideout. It was a warehouse on the outskirts of town, in the abandoned industrial district.

Alex asked around until he found the answers he was looking for. People warned Alex not to go near there, but he assured them he would be fine. And they believed him for some reason. They couldn't tell you why, but they did.

The Purple Platypuses weren't going to leave Gertie alone just because they had taken down one bounty hunter. They might leave her alone if they knew she didn't have what they wanted—the nuclear codes.

They could still hunt her down anyway, but he at least had to try. This went far beyond the scope of his primary objective for the game, but this was also real life for these people, and he couldn't treat it like just a game.

Besides, he would go to these lengths even if it were just a game. That's the kind of gamer Alex was. He cared about the people in the game. Even when they technically weren't real. But this time they were.

He had a plan going in, but he chose not to reveal it just yet. He found that sometimes it was most entertaining to see a plan come to fruition without knowing what the characters were going to do before hand.

This he would do for the benefit of the cosmic spectators, which, if you haven't gathered yet, are the readers of this webnovel. Yes, you, Steven. I'm talking to you. And all the other readers not named Steven.

Everyone can be included. Now that we all feel warm and fuzzy inside for having our existences acknowledged, let's get back to the story.

So. Alex had a plan. It wasn't a very good one, and it would probably lead to his death, but he couldn't just walk away. Not when the life of a stubborn, bitter old lady who hates the world and nearly everyone in it was on the line.

Alex put the backpack full of trinkets behind a bush near the warehouse entrance so it wouldn't get damaged or stolen. He knocked on the door. After, just long enough for someone to walk across a room, the door opened.

"What do you want?" The owner of the voice was moderately tan, with a wife beater shirt on and sporting what looked like an opposite mohawk. Instead of the sides shaved and the top spiked up, the middle was shaved and the sides were brushed down.

"I'm here to speak to the boss," Alex said in his best fake tough guy voice. "That's a sweet-looking hairdo you got there. Your mother do it for you? Maybe she can do mine."

"What's the password?" He said, looking suspiciously at Alex.

Alex used his trait, Always Prepared, and remembered he'd made sure to get the password from Gertie before she disappeared into the sunset.

After they had gone their separate ways, Alex ran back and caught up with her to get this very important piece of information. He also asked for her phone number, but she made some wisecrack about him being too young for her.

And then she revealed she didn't have one. She told him to come back to the bazaar if he ever needed to find her.

Alex breathed in deeply, preparing to say the password. "Smiles and giggles, hugs and knives! Purple Platypuses take your lives!" The password also involved hand gestures and hopping. It was very cheerful despite the actual content.

"Ok, you can come in. But only funny business. We like to keep it light around here," Reverse Mohawk said. As Alex was walking inside, Reverse Mohawk said, "Give my love to your mother."

"Eh?" Alex said.

"Eh?" Reverse said.

"Ay!" Alex said.

"Ay!" Rev said.

"You almost got me there for a second," Alex said.

"As I said, we like to keep it light," Rev said. "But seriously, make love to your mother for me."

"Ah you," Alex said and walked further into the warehouse. It was like a maze with all the crates stacked up, but off to the side, Alex could see an open area where everyone seemed to be playing cards.

Alex made his way over to the card tables. They were all arranged in a triangle, with the largest and only official-looking poker table at one of the points.

That looked to be where the higher-ups were hanging out. When Alex walked up, everyone looked at Alex and drew guns.

"Who is this dude?" A guy with a side ways mohawk said. It looked like he had a big fan on his head. "Hey, Tony, do you know this dude? You know everybody."

Tony had a circle of spiked-up hair on his head. It looked like a crown of hair. It was probably the most ridiculous thing Alex had ever seen, but he managed to keep a straight face.

Tony got real close and said, "This dude? I don't know this dude."

Everyone started getting real close with their guns. Alex quickly batched up a telepathy sub skill. It was an area effect skill that would allow Alex to sense the motives of those around him.

[New skill created: Sense Motive]

He immediately used the skill. It was strange though. He sensed very little actual hostility from them. Mostly confusion and unfamiliarity.

They all pulled the triggers on their guns simultaneously. Alex squeezed his eyes shut, despite the lack of hostility he was sensing. He felt something wet hit and pop on his face.

And another something and another. He opened his eyes. They were bubble guns. They were shooting bubbles at him. Alex wasn't easily surprised, but this surprised even him.

What kind of wacky universe did Ludos drop him into? Or were these people exceptions to the norm?

After what felt like minutes, they finally dropped their bubble guns. Tony said, "Idk how you got the password, but you're here now. So what do you want?"

"I want you to leave Gertie alone," Alex said.

"Fellas. He wants us to leave Gertie alone," Tony laughed and the rest of the guys laughed along with him. "No. She stole something from us, and we intend to get it back."

"Oh, like this?" Alex said, holding up the thumb drive. "Now that you know she doesn't have it anymore, will you leave her alone now?"

"Yeah, we'll leave her alone, but we ain't going to leave you alone," Tony said. "Give it here."

"No," Alex said, dropping it on the ground and stomping on it.

"You shouldn't have done that," Tony said, grabbing Alex by the back of his head. "It's time to get serious, boys."

Tony pulled out a knife, and so did all forty of the other people in the room. Alex was starting to get annoyed with the ridiculousness, but now he desperately wished for it back.

Tony stabbed at Alex's midsection. Alex wasn't a close combat fighter. He didn't know what to do, so he did the first thing that came to mind. He grabbed the blade of the knife.

Pain exploded in his hand and ran up the length of his arm. He struggled to push the knife away from him until he could get his foot up and kick off of Tony.

Tony fell to the ground, as did Alex. Alex pulled his shirt off and wrapped it around his hand. Alex got up quickly because all forty of Tony's men were running at him.

Alex ran into the maze of stacked-up crates, pallets, and shipping containers. He turned right, then left, then right, then left, trying to get to the other side to see if there was a door he could escape, when he hit a dead end.

One of Tony's men rounded the corner and smiled, excited to have caught his prey. Alex finally armed himself by drawing the daggers on his hips. Using his telekinesis, he attached a conduit to the guy's foot, pulled a knife out of his bandolier, and sent it on it's way.

The man cried out when the knife plunged into his foot. Alex pushed him over as he ran past him. The man was still able to slice into Alex's arm as he fell over, but at least he didn't get stabbed.

Alex struggled over whether he should be killing these guys or just incapacitating them. They were threatening his life, but his instinct was to avoid killing them if he could. He wondered how long that would last.

This didn't seem like the kind of game where he'd be punished for killing. Ludos didn't strike him as someone who had a thing against killing.

Still, he couldn't get himself to do it. Not yet. Something had to push him over the edge. He rounded another corner, taking the other path. Two of Tony's minions stood in his way.

Alex threw two more knives, hitting both of the men in the foot. Then he did something he should've done earlier. He telekinetically shoved them to the left and right side of the path, knocking them over in the process.

[New skill created: Telekinetic Shove]

If he remembered correctly, he still had five knives left, but he'd run out soon with how Tony's goons kept showing up. As he thought that, Alex rounded the next corner to find three more goons standing in his way.

Then, two more goons rounded the corner on the path he just came from. Alex threw three more knives into the three goons feet in front of him and telekinetically shoved them.

Unfortunately, he couldn't quite get all three of them to the sides of the path. Alex tried to jump over them, but as he did so, one of men on the ground reached up and sliced the back of his leg, severing his achilles tendon.

Instead of landing gracefully like he planned, Alex sprawled on the ground. Alex turned over so he was on his back. He saw the two men who had followed him down the path walk past the three downed men.

The two men stood over Alex, and one of them turned to the other and said, "Now this is the correct way to hold a knife for stabbing." He displayed how he was holding the knife for the other man to see.

"Now when they're on the ground like this, you just want to stab into the gut repeatedly until they die of blood loss and internal injury. Do as I do, thrust forward and back and forward and back, keeping your arm tight against your body."

As they got close over his body to begin stabbing him, Alex pulled out his daggers and used the stabbing technique just as the man showed and described it. In and out, forward and back.

The men, already on the ground, started stabbing Alex in the stomach. It was a race to the finish. See who got there first. As the light in his eyes dimmed and everything got cold, Alex thought, 'Is this how I'm going to die? In this abandoned warehouse with a bunch of sweaty dudes that probably use Axe body spray?"

Alex got freezing cold, and his eyes started to close. He struggled to keep them open, but there reached a point where he just couldn't anymore, and they shut, making his world go dark.

Then a voice said:

[Congratulations! You have ascended! You are now 'Meh']

[Initiating level-up sequence]

A bright light flashed, and pain exploded throughout Alex's entire body.