THE TASTE OF PAIN

MAGNUS

Sorrow has no one description.

To some, it means shedding tears for long hours, and to others, it means drowning themselves in alcohol…or perhaps a mix of both.

But it was long, dreary hours of silence and nothingness to me.

There were no tears, and there was no alcohol, as I barely had an appetite for anything.

It was just…an empty existence where nothing, including me, mattered.

Happiness had become a luxury I could not acquire, and sleep had eluded me in its warm embrace.

And it was all because of her disappearance.

This was what I had been afraid of getting too attached. It never ended well for anyone, not my father or me.

I watched the setting sun for a few more minutes before moving away from the window.

Sorrow brings out the inner poet in even the most stone-hearted. It was why I found purpose in everything, including a normal thing like the sunset.

 Astrid was like the sun that chased away the storm clouds that had hung over my head for years. And her disappearance was like the sun finally going to sleep, only that mine had stopped rising.

I took a deep breath, slumped into my chair, and fixed my eyes on the floor as the clouds rolled in.

I needed her. I'd never needed anyone else before, but I needed my wife.

There were no breaks for me because as soon as I managed to tear my mind away from my loss, I'd immediately be met with the weight of the pack's grief over the loss of their Luna.

The door creaked as a gentle knock resonated through the room.

"Come in, Cayon," I called out as I tore my eyes away from the floor and looked ahead just as the door opened.

"Sir," he said, peeking in first before fully entering the room.

"Is something wrong?"

He shook his head. "Nothing's wrong except one of the men's wife just gave birth, and he came to invite you to the Lupine's blessing ceremony."

I drew a hand down my face and nodded. "We'll go before midnight."

"Sir," he said again and looked up at him.

"The pack can feel you mourn; we must figure out what to do next."

"I don't know, Cayon. I feel like I've failed everyone." I replied softly, then leaned back into the chair.

"You haven't failed us, Magnus," he countered. "We're doing this together. But we need your guidance, your strength. Our pack is hurting, and we need you, our Alpha, to lead us through this."

I sighed, rubbing my temples.

"Even Kaiza has deserted me….I've tried establishing a connection with him for days, but there's just silence."

I felt so alone in every sense of the word.

"Once, when I lost my brother, my wolf went silent on me," Cayon muttered. "You just need to give it some time; he's mourning too…we all are."

He was saying things right, but I was still not feeling right.

"I feel like I failed," I mused aloud, then closed my eyes as I tried to connect with my wolf again.

I felt a deep shame when I couldn't even feel a spark.

It was as if every fire that had burned inside me was snuffed out.

I knew the reason for Kaiza's silence was more than just mourning. He was angry, hurt, and betrayed. And it was all my fault.

I'd failed them all.

"Has there been any word from the search party?" I asked, and Cayon shook his head.

"Sadly, there's been nothing."

"I'm going in tomorrow!" I announced firmly, "I don't just want to sit around and drown in my pain."

"We all are worried that you might not be in the right mind for something so tedious…"

"My wife is missing!" I snapped, then took a deep, steadying breath, realizing it wasn't his fault.

"You have so much guilt, sir…" he started again, his eyes mournfully empty. "It wasn't your fault."

"Yes, it was." I retorted sharply. "I should have listened to my wolf when he tried to warn me," I continued, feeling my frustration rise even more. "It's part of the reason why he wouldn't talk to me!"

We both fell silent and after some time, he pulled out the chair facing me and sat down.

"Magnus," he said, "I know I don't understand how it feels to lose one's fated mate, but I understand the language of loss."

I wanted to tell him that he didn't understand, but who was I to discredit another's experience?

"This shall get better," he continued. "One day, you might wake up and find out the sun never left."

"No," I disagreed. "My sun left the day my mate disappeared."

He was tired of comforting me, but I could do nothing. I was a dying man, and he still stayed.

"Cayon, what if I'm not meant to be alpha?" I suddenly asked, my voice barely above a whisper.

His eyes widened in surprise, and his brows shot up. "Sir, please don't say that." He babbled. "This is your destiny, and you're a great alpha."

I nodded and shot him a glance of appreciation as I felt the brief moment of self-doubt dispelled.

It had been incredibly foolish for me to believe my feelings would continue to remain neutral over Astrid. She was my mate; besides that, she was the most fantastic person I'd ever met. She was so pure in heart that we were like night and day.

"Why give a man a fish only to deny him fire with which to roast it?" I asked the universe.

"She'll be back, Magnus," Cayon said in a heavy voice. "We'll find her and bring her home."

"Maybe I should step down," I suggested, my voice laced with slight uncertainty.

"There's no option of resignation unless you have an heir," He explained tiredly.

"I guess you are tired of trying to soothe my wounds," I teased darkly. "They are like infected sores; they'll never heal until she touches them."

He nodded understanding, and I looked away at the darkness outside the window.

"I can't even sleep," I murmured, but I was sure he heard me because he stood up and said, "I'll get one of the servants to make you some passion flower tea; it'll help you sleep…we also need to light some candles in here…"

"No need," I replied as I stood too. "I can see perfectly."

"I know, me too," he said, "I just thought it'd cheer you up a bit; light is good."

"Well, I haven't lit a single candle in my room or here ever since…." I trailed off and sighed again. I'd been doing much of that lately.

"Let's go," I said, already heading for the door.

"Where are we going?" He asked in a confused voice as he followed behind me.

"To the newborn's Lupine's blessing ceremony?" I clarified simply as I opened the door.

"I thought you said we'd go by midnight?"

"Well, I also said I wouldn't get attached to Astrid…I never do what I say."