Chapter 13. "Freakish manner."

A journal entry: September 22nd, 2004.

(Still 15 years old.)

At 15 life seemed so...I don't know, slow?

Infinite?

I have always keenly felt my age for some reason.

I remember feeling the difference between 14 and 15 like I was in a video game. 

Like, I can feel how old I am. I hope that makes sense to at least a few of you lol.

I remember thinking a lot about time...

How much of it I had.

What I would do with it.

The whole "Ten years from now." thing.

I would have never imagined the world as it is today...who could have?

Maybe the Simpsons! lol.

I ramble sometimes, my apologies...

Life...TIME has always seemed so prominent...so palpable to me. 

I think it is more so my existential anxiety and less some gift lol. 

I'll leave you to it.

Enjoy.

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Today was actually not so bad!

I had a pretty good day besides having to give my last five bucks to Ms. XXXXX...

But hey, you can't always get what you want, and sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do, but you should always just push on through and get it over with! 

Side note: that is not to be taken in a freakish manner.

(Depending on who's reading this.)

LOL 

I didn't get to call XXXXX today, but I think she is mad at me. 

I hope not. :-(

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I was a pretty stalwart kid. 

I had this idea in my head that as long as I did my part, everyone around me would do theirs as well. I was quick to learn elsewise lol. 

That comes with maturity, you know?

I think that my patience -and later grit- would get me into and through situations that I could have avoided had I been less thus.

Relationships.

Obligations.

Favors.

Lort have merbies...

But all of that comes down to me having gained a lot of experience, culture, and character over time. Everything happens for a reason, good and bad.

That idea kept young me on a straight and purposed path for the most part.

My morals were pretty decent as well.

I do wish that I would have learned sooner that it is equally okay to simply NOT:

"push on through and get it over with!" 

It is just as okay so say:

"Yeah...nope! this isn't for me!" 

Don't let things that you have no power over weigh you down.

Outside from that, the five bucks that I had to give up was for Art class lol.

We had to PAY to participate lbvs...

I was to young to understand, and even now I don't to be honest.

It was even harder for me because I lived in poverty as is...I would be lucky to see 5-10 bucks a week on a good month, and that was used for things like small snacks between my one to two solid meals a day ( school lunch would make up one of those two) and bus fair for if I were to miss my school bus.

As for that "not to be taken in a freakish manner" part?

I have no fuckin' idea what young me was talking about there lmao. I am SURE that I didn't have enough sexual experience or acumen at that point in life to even try to layer a sexual joke into that journal entry, but It seems I tried lol.

Maybe key me in on it if you figure it out, yeah? 

See you soon folks.