Love and Hate

It's a gloomy night. Sigor is looking outside the window from the second floor of the inn where he will stay for the night. He is about to cross the border to another kingdom tomorrow. He's got products for trading but he is not in a hurry. He's richer now by a few thousand banknotes.

Merchants have a special status. Although they are a citizen of a certain kingdom, they can cross kingdoms and still maintain their status until such time they decide to renounce their origin.

At the moment, he is still an Aishnovan person.

He's free of the burden. That child. The child who took his Eloise away.

The route he chose is crossing the border to the Yarynara Kingdom which is the kingdom known for its overall peaceful temperament but powerful defense against wishful conquerors. They are rumored to be mysterious and possess the power of mind manipulation and can concoct powerful medicinal herbs for various critical diseases. They are open to trading and do not turn away new settlers. He hasn't decided to move yet. Maybe stay for a year or so. Or not. Depends.

Sigor opened his luggage. He took out a tightly sealed and delicately designed urn made of porcelain with gold accents and intricate patterns of roses. He sat at the edge of the bed.

Suddenly, his heart started to ache. He embraced the urn as if it were the most precious thing in the world. His eyes started to leak an endless stream of longing, pain, and regrets which wet the urn in his hands.

Eloise is the love of his life. He loved her. He still loves her. He loves her to the point of obsession. She loved him back. He knows it. She just can't bear childbirth. Her weak body gave out when Meara was born.

Their love story is nothing fancy. She's a daughter of a noble family. He's the son of a middle-class merchant. They fell in love.

He was arranged for Kashie Birg (Xelt) but the arrangement was canceled when he, at the age of 16 fell in love with somebody else. He fulfilled the ritual of canceling the marriage by kneeling at the ancestral hall of the Birgs family for 3 days signifying his remorse and appealing to be freed from the arrangement.

Both parents allowed the dissolution to save face. The Birgs won't like to drag out the fact that their daughter was not wanted. The Haelans felt ashamed of the Birgs because of what their son did. The agreement was made more than 10 years ago to suddenly be cut off like this.

And so Sigor and Eloise got married. By the time Eloise became pregnant, she was happy, but the father was not. Having a child means Eloise's attention will be divided. Eloise will be burdened with carrying another human being for 9 months. She will be burdened with raising it when it comes out. Eloise will love another person. He will have to share Eloise with another person, regardless if it's his own child.

His love is selfish.

This indifference worsened when Eloise died of childbirth. From resistance to indifference. From indifference to hate. He hated Meara because she took Eloise away. She looks like her but she reminded him more that Eloise was gone.

One can only imagine how confusing it is for a child to have a father like him.

During drunken nights, Meara knows better than to show herself to him. He becomes overwhelmingly honest when he's drunk.

"You killed my Eloise."

"You're cursed."

"I just wish you were never conceived."

"Bring her back."

Meara grew up sensitive to others' feelings and was well-versed in reading a room. She knows when to act cute and to whom.

Meara also grew up with an absent father. Since he is always away traveling, Meara doesn't miss him too much.

Children are very perceptive. They know when they are wanted. Meara knows she is not wanted by her father.

Sigor has always resented Meara because his wife died of childbirth. Meara does not lack material things but parental love.

During his travels, there are some rare things that Meara was able to ask from her father just as her venu flute and colorful bracelet. Sometimes, with the help of her nanny.

Meara was well-educated and had no other things to do anyway so she was also fond of reading some rare books brought by her father. Her time was mostly spent in his library. At other times, a sweet-sounding tune can be heard in the yard.

When Kashie and Muner enthusiastically mentioned they proposed for Meara to be the General's woman, they already prepared a large sum of penns as a betrothal gift.

Sigor is well aware that his daughter could become a third wife or a concubine but he doesn't care. The betrothal gift was much better called a bride price for he seemed to have sold her off.

There is an indescribable urge to escape. Escape Meara. Escape the reality of it all. That was also why he always traveled on long journeys.

Marrying Meara off is a permanent way.

Meara's dowry was prepared in haste. Her wooden chest contains a few hundred penns, jewelry, and cloth. Nanny Lione took the initiative to ask Sigor for a few items. He gave the gold pieces and jewelry which he remembered saved in the treasury room and asked Nanny Lione to buy a few high-grade cloth fabrics.

After everything was prepared, that was when he talked to Meara one-sidedly. Seeing the happiness of her daughter when the union of her and the General was mentioned, he was free of any guilt and rather felt pride in his heart.

It was because of him that she would have a chance to be with the famed general.

He is a very righteous person who provides a chance for the cursed child to be happy despite killing his beloved wife.

He has done his part as her father. She grew up not ignorant of the world, with a good temperament, and ethics, and a sensible person. He will not bring him shame even if he is mentioned as her father to others.

'I am a righteous person, husband, and father. That is enough.' He thought.

Sigor stood up and went to the side of the bed. He reached near the wall, opened a bamboo storage, and flattened a rolled linen carefully on a nearby table. He also put the urn as weight.

His sadness surged once again. A life-like painting of his dead wife stared back at him. Full of love and life. She was wearing a V-neck midnight blue mermaid prom dress, sleeveless and with a long slit held by a 10cm crystal brooch in the form of tiny flowers and leaves.

At the bottom was signed, 'Dr. Nikko'. A painter in his early thirties who has the talent to capture life-like images of people, animals, still life, and landscapes. He met him during one of the art exhibitions included as part of the entertainment program during the King's birthday about 20 years ago.

He reached out and gently held the urn in a warm embrace and waited for sleep to engulf him. He slept slumped on the table.