To not fall again

"Damn it" I say. "I really do not need this, do I?" I ask Yuki, whose hair is being carried by a gentle wind.

"No Nikko, you don't" she answers, for the first time speaking seriously. Her look is severe. Her thin, black eyebrows almost frowning and her eyes silently observing the concrete ground.

As usual, we are freezing on the balcony, observing fast life around us. Yuki is leaning against the wall, her hands seeking for warmth in the pockets of her white puffer jacket. I'm wrapped in a cozy, yellow blanket that keeps me warm, although the topic of today's conversation still makes my body shiver. I lean against the cold railing, drowning in the sight of an infinite, night city.

This whole conversation started a while ago.

.

.

.

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"Yuki, we need to talk," I said boldly and with a somewhat serious expression. I looked her in the eyes, seeking for the same determination to solve this problem, but instead her look was strained, evasive, trying to look confused. She couldn't hide that deep inside she knew what I was going to bring up, but she was hoping I wouldn't. A pang of anxiety and uncertainty struck me, as I realised this may not be as easy to talk about as I thought. I could only register Yuki's unwelcoming glances and a tenseful atmosphere filling the air, which seemingly made me feel hurt.

The thing I need to confine about is my chaotic head. My optimistic mood has been falling lately, and Yuki sees it and also feels it. It not only affects my own way of being, but also our close relationship. Her significant cheerful mood has started being very gloomy and moody around me, as if she realised I have a problem, but was trying hard to disregard my call for help.

Her often smiley lips now let out gasps of desperation around me, and her eyes used to observe this situation thoughtfully, with remorse, until they got tired and gave in to judging me.

Her "confused" face suddenly sank with an immense look of guilt, as she realised she couldn't dodge this. Yuki's dark eyes rised to meet my blue, vulnerable ones and she began to speak, her words soft and cautious.

"I know something is going on…" she began "But I'm scared I wouldn't be able to help you. We have never gone through such a situation" Yuki said, as her slim fingers were nervously fidgeting with each other, accompanied by gestures. "I'm scared of it. But I hate to see you suffer" she looked down.

Yuki wants to be here for me, but she doesn't know how to do it yet. "Offering a help that can disappoint is scary" I spoke, me myself not knowing how I'll continue. But I choose to be honest. "When you offer to help a person, you don't want to be lost, not knowing how to react to their pain, potentially making them feel lonely, misunderstood, just even worse" I said, Yuki still a little flustered, closely listening. "But I believe that if a help is genuine, you will always find a way to support your loved one" I smiled softly. Her face returned my emphatic smile, and Yuki slowly calmed down, the atmosphere now comfortable, confidential.

"So what is it?" She asked confidently.

I didn't hesitate a second to tell her how I genuinely feel.

"So lately I've been feeling down a lot because of school. The new, and huge environment is hard to get used to" I started. "In general, I used to have problems with fitting in. Especially in high school…It was a long process to realise what the cause was" I continued. Yuki was silently nodding as she was closely listening to my heavy words. " Now I feel the same as then. It feels as if the life around me disappeared, and I was stuck I'm my head, overthinking…" I stopped, and thought for a moment before continuing. "Overthinking why people don't like me, trust me, why I'm being forgotten and disregarded…" telling this to someone maked me surprisingly nervous. I needed to stop, breathe in the freezing air, and exhale it to continue."Constantly drowning in regret, and letting my confidence gather dust. Being attached and dependent on others, suppressing myself… I went through this once, and now I'm falling into it again" I said, feeling a bit… weak.

And that's how we got into this situation.

"I really do not need this, do I?"

"No Nikko, you don't"

Yuki leans against the wall, and I shiver slightly, maybe because it's minus 2 degrees, and maybe because I'm nervous, or maybe both.

"But wow, the way you aren't blinded and can actually realise your problems" she says, with her typical, over exaggerated, but not ironic and admiring tone. She somehow manages to be easy-going even though I thought talking about feelings made her assailable. "You know, you're really strong," she states. "I believe in you Nikko" she gives me a proud look, and with a cheerful smile she nudges me.

I think that is what I expected from her before, and I think that is what I love about her. Being unseriously serious.

She leans beside me against the grey railing and looks into the never sleeping city.

"I noticed that sometimes you have no problem at all to be sociable and go out in public." Yuki looks at me. "You sometimes behave really compulsively and confidently! But I also noticed that sometimes you have pretty bad social anxiety and remain attached to me" she says, the last sentence sounding concerning. "But I see you're fighting. And I can say you're damn good at it" Yuki encourages me, and I let out a scoff. She playfully pokes me for it, and continues. "I have one more thing to say. I know you really care about others' opinion about you, but just remember that not everybody's opinion is genuine" as she says this, I can't help but think about it. "Right, maybe not everybody's opinion matters. Maybe Takamori's opinion isn't that strong as I thought" I say happily, as I realised that Yuki is right. The realization from her words made me feel lighter. But she is surprised: "Imagine not opening up and keeping your thoughts to yourself, must be lonely, right- WHAT?" she exclaims.

"Huh?" I give her a terrified look, feeling confused.

"WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT TAKAMORI?" She speaks in a caps lock.

"T-that his opinion didn't m-matter?..." I say, a little scared of her response.

"You thought it ever did?!" she asks, screaming silently in disbelief.

"..."

"..."

"Well… I thought he was a good guy-"

"You can't be serious"

"..."

"Really, Takamori? Him and others like him and Daehyun?" she asks incredulously. "But they're such assholes. And they're so mean and bossy. Why them?"

"But- but you are friends with them too!..." I blurt, surprised by her statement.

"Who said that?"

"I thought so…"

"Never. Their opinion matters the least."

"I'm glad you made me talk about it even though I was scared. What if we didn't talk about it, about our feelings? Our friendship would have probably been over by now…" Yuki says thoughtfully and she's right. If we didn't talk about our problems, we never would have solved them. And so the problem inside of me, between us, has been solved, thanks to opening up to a person whose opinion DOES matter.

"Remember, conversation is the key".

Author's note

For the end of this chapter I'd like to say something, although it's more of a personal thing that I just want to mention.

Once, I was falling into being more dependent on others again, because it was easier than pushing myself out of my comfort zone and being on my own. Due to this I was slowly losing my confidence, and became more stressed about going somewhere alone, yet I didn't fight it, until one conversation.

I was talking about being attached, that I indeed have a problem with this thing. The person I was talking to about it was the true opposite - a very independent and confident person. He himself became my motivation to again fight my inner anxiety of being alone, but this conversation truly made me do something for it.

And the only thing I needed to hear was that he went through the same thing. He used to cling to people but he stopped doing it.

"And you know why? Because I love myself" that's why he stopped. That's how he told me that I should love myself too, and now I'm telling you the same thing. Love yourself - be independent (free).