Takamori-kun

It's the 15th of November. I'm sitting right opposite Takamori, a compulsive, extroverted guy with the short, chestnut hair. I'm on my bench, surrounded by his admirably big group of friends, yet drowning in my own, negative thoughts. My leg is nervously tapping the wooden floor, while my loud vicinity completely ignores my discomfort.

Weather in November is insidiously cold, rainy and foggy, and today's weather is no exception. The outside is covered in a grey cloak of grief, skies frowned, making the innocent raindrops mercilessly pound into the windows. The ostentatious tree crowns are losing their warm and joyful look, heavenly bird songs are being replaced by crows' croaks, grey paths are hopelessly covered in colourless water, and my passionate soul is freezing.

I'm laying my heavy head on my hand, observing what the rest of the class is up to. We are divided into 2 halves. The first half is falling asleep on their benches, probably feeling the same loneliness that I'm trying to get rid of, and the other half is laughing and gossiping about our teachers. This second, relatively alive half includes one impostor - the dead me.

I sit silently, being so in my thoughts that I almost feel like I'm overhearing the conversation of my group, rather than being its active cell.

Every time, they only gossip and mock others. When someone makes a cheeky comment, everybody lets out these mean giggles. I always just sigh and try not to get involved too much. Out of all things, I choose to find the good in every soul, so talking badly about all these innocent people isn't something I can genuinely laugh at. Yet, from time to time, I let my mind be a little more easy-going about it, and I try to make some brash notes too, so I fit amongst them. But whenever my holy mouth says such a reckless thing, it sounds rather awkward. I guess it's a curse of mine for putting my reputation before good demeanour, for hopelessly trying to fit in. Yet the biggest punishment for my fragile, impressionable personality is that nobody laughs with me anyway, and without my extroverted Yuki, I'm left alone.

I wish she was here. Her powerful kindness I can always rely on, her energetic smile returning the thoughtfulness to my words, her coffee eyes never watching me from above. (although she's a little taller)

But she's not here today to save my cloudy mind.

As I'm silently drowning in self-regret, Takamori's eyes suddenly meet mine, his expression slightly haughty as usual.

"Nikko, can I borrow your entries?" He pouts "I need to check it out before the test." Takamori finishes with a whiny and anticipating tone. If I denied, he would probably be passively angry with me for the rest of the day. I sigh and pout cutely, trying to form a little simper on my face. I want to maintain my friendly, Nikkoish look, yet I also wanna express how this repetitive situation makes me feel. Takamori asks me for my notes constantly because he never takes his own. Every single lesson, instead of paying attention, he decides to interrupt the class by yapping with his black haired best friend Daisuke, which kind of pisses me innerly.

Takamori shoots me a judging glare when I give him this very friendly, unfriendly, annoyed look. He then looks at Daisuke, who is already watching me with the same exact judging expression. They exchange a look and giggle at me.

Takamori lets out an ironic-sounding " Thank you." As I hand him my exemplary notes. The way they laughed at my ultimate Nikko's pout made my heart beat faster, in the wrong way.

I feel awkward. I shouldn't have tried to act all pouty and adorable. It is actually rather cringe than cute now that I think of it. At the moment, I just look even weirder than I ever did before. All the unintentional awkwardness caused by my anxiety is now a tiny embarrassment compared to an intentional, kiddish expression. I lean my head on my hand once again, my tired eyes avoiding eye contact with the world.

The next lesson finally begins with a loud ringing after an infinite break. It is sometimes hard to focus because of all the loud classmates who always yapp during the lessons, but it's even harder to at least try to focus when I'm stuck in my busy head, judging myself. Why did Takamori and Daisuke have to laugh at me? My demeanour was indeed pretty stupid and uncool, but I just tried to convey how I felt. It hurts being their friend already, no need to make it even crueller.

I sit on my bench all dejected, my eyes observing the same gloomy weather outside that remains the same the whole, depressive November. My favourite teacher, who is usually very expressive and cheerful, is clearly annoyed by me just lying on my cold table, not even trying to look like I pay attention. By the keen way she looks at me, I can see that she thinks I'm mooching, which isn't true at all. This whole time, she's been giving me an unlovable glare full of warnings. It's funny how I always try so hard to listen and be active, yet when I'm tired once, the whole school system seems to be against me. It's hard to be in my position sometimes. Always trying, trying, and trying, but never being even close to winning.

A tired boy who drowns in self-regret. Is it who I'm becoming? I mumble quietly.

"Did you want to say something, Nikko?" The teacher says with a slightly arrogant voice. She calls my name in front of the whole class, the attention concentrating on me. I sit straight, my cheeks getting red from embarrassment. "No, I'm sorry," I say and lower my eyes to my desk. I can hear Takamori and Daisuke laugh behind me. I turn to them. They are whispering something and looking at me, giggling.

How I wish this long day was already over.

For today, I'm done socializing. Since we are writing a small test the next lesson, I decided to repeat for it. I open my notebook and just stare at my colourful notes. My mind is filled with all kinds of thoughts, all of them mixing together. A mess, making me unable to focus on a single word. Nothing but stupid songs and procrastinative thoughts can come into my head as I read one sentence again and again, repeatedly until I get lost in my chaotic mind completely. This foggy day is especially demanding and cruel to my sweet heart, which lets all my positiveness drain into the canal.

I don't want to think anymore. All I want, all I need, is to dance and let my problems fade into the heavenly voice of my beloved singers. Dancing is my way of completely draining my immense amount of energy until the faint body of mine can't take it anymore. It's the worst way to relieve myself after a tough day, yet the moment I start moving my legs around the room makes me forget everything else. It's basically irresponsible avoiding problems, and lately, I've been pretty addicted to it. It's just so much easier than actually sit, and think of them.

My usual problem-solving spirit got lost in the depths of my 1st school year depression.

I wonder how others are changing in this new environment…

"Hey, Nikko!" Takamori shouts.

"Yeah?" I answer without a spirit.

"Will you help us with the test?" He asks bluntly, as if it was nothing. It's not the first time he asks, and if I say yes it won't be the last.

"No, I won't…" I answer, seemingly tired, but still trying to be somehow friendly.

"Oh come on. I will get a bad mark because of you!" Takamori urges, and Daisuke agrees.

"Yeah, that's not fair. You're so selfish." Daisuke feigns offense and can't hold back a giggle. They have been laughing at everything today.

"Yeah, I thought we were friends," Takamori adds.

"We are, but you have to study by yourself." I retort.

"But why couldn't you help us once?~" Daisuke whines.

"I told you I didn't wanna be used…"

"Used? But we are your FRIENDS" Takamori stressed the word friends, getting desperate.

"No, I won't help you guys. You never study." I stand my ground, yet I try to be nice to them, to my friends…

"Guess you're not a good friend then." Takamori raises his eyebrow and shoots me a sarcastic but disgusted glare.

"Yeah, we won't talk to you anymore when you don't want to be our friend." Daisuke agrees and gives me the same hurtful look.

The way they act so offended and inimical towards me, interlaced with mocking giggles, truly makes my eyes water. I slowly lay on my bench, hiding in my hands, so they can't see how miserable I am, that my eyes let out tears. My pure tears…

For the rest of the day, Takamori and Daisuke remained, as they promised, very unfriendly. It was obviously sarcasm, and it doesn't affect our relationships, yet my fragile soul couldn't take it today. Instead of bearing toxic sarcasm, I would rather be hugged and understood.

The night already comes quickly in November, especially with today's cold and sleepy weather. When I arrive at my claustrophobically small apartment, I put my headphones on and drown in uncertain, pessimistic thoughts with my new favourite Stray Kids album. I lay on my desk as the song Social Path starts playing. You know how I was saying I'll dance all my problems away earlier? Yeah, after today, I do not even have the energy to do that.

I close my heavy eyelids and focus on a simple thought.

"Right thing, wrong time. But still, thank you for making me love something when all of my love is fading. Thank you for making it at least a little better for me, and I'm sorry for using you so recklessly. I'm desperate."

Who was this thought for? It could be for many angels in my life, who I let my problems fall on. For my colour in a manga or maybe for the first and my only star in the endless sky. Yet my selfish brain dedicated it to the new music album I was talking about. To one side fast core of dopamine, but on the other a beautiful thing to keep my passion alive when it's leaving.

It's weird how even a burning fire inside of me can be blown so easily.