Difficult Decisions

~~~~~^*^*^*^*^~~~~~

Chapter Eighteen | Difficult Decisions

Soren forced himself just to watch as Ashlynn vanished, her body becoming one with the darkness. There were a million things he could've done or said, but he had to trust everything was happening for the right reason.

In the meantime, his frustration continued to build as he thought about what cruel things this stranger – this Borrower – might've said to Ashlynn. His friend was too sweet and too fierce to be brought down by just anything. That word – pet – seemed to be the thing that really set her off. He hoped and prayed Ashlynn didn't think he and his brothers ever saw her like that. Sure, their first meeting was less than ideal, but the moment they met it was clear Ashlynn had a will of her own.

He wasn't entirely sure why, but his feet carried him out of the bathroom alone and toward the kitchen. Perhaps it was residual frustration. Maybe it was a desire to confront this stranger and ask what her problem was. Whatever the case, all Soren found when he rounded the corner were bloody bandages, murky water, and an empty table. There was no sign of the stranger, and Soren wasn't sure he cared.

When he went into his room, he explained to the boys that the stranger had said a few unkind things, and that Ashlynn wasn't feeling well so she decided to go ahead home.

They were devastated.

They asked a hundred questions that Soren didn't have answers to.

What did the stranger say?

Where is the stranger now?

Was Ashlynn in danger because of the stranger?

Was she actually sick? Or did she just want to be alone?

What was going to happen now?

Will Ashlynn be back?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Same three words over and over until, finally, the boys stopped asking questions. Dinner was a somber affair, even when Soren suggested that they start with dessert and then go on to their main meal. It was depressing. None of Soren's tricks worked and the night ended with both younger brothers with glossy eyes as they finally made it to their beds; not that they stayed there for long.

It took no time for both Dorian and Rey to find their way into Soren's room, asking to stay there with him for the night. Soren, who had been staring blankly at the ceiling for the past three hours, made no effort to refuse them or coax them back to their rooms. His mind was too preoccupied with thoughts of what Ashlynn might be thinking and where she was now.

Was she beneath the floors right here and now? Thinking about what the stranger – that Borrower – had said about being a "pet" and how Ashlynn wasn't a true Borrower because of it? Did it really matter so much that Ashlynn was spending more time with him and his brothers? Had they inadvertently hurt her culture? Her way of life? Was it an insult for them to offer her help or a place at their table? Had they lured her away from what was important? All in the name of helping her? All in the name of wanting to be her friend?

Soren let his brothers tuck themselves in just under his arms, firmly pressed against his sides, as he listened for any hint of sound that Ashlynn might still be there with them.

No such sign came.

And so a sleepless night drudged onward for the eldest of the brothers.

~~~^*^*^~~~

Ashlynn made her way back to her place beneath the floorboards of Soren's home, curled into bed, and let herself break. Despite how kind Soren's words were, there was something that simply felt painfully true about what the stranger said to her. Ashlynn slept restlessly. Her tossing and turning did nothing to quiet her mind. In fact, it knocked her thoughts loose.

Was that stranger right? Am I not a Borrower anymore?

She'd never been forced to confront the thought of what would happen if she wasn't doing what she was supposed to. For so long, who she was had been tied to what she was. Isn't that how it worked?

What does this mean for me? And why does this stranger get to tell me who and what I am? And why does it bother me so much?

Is it… because it's true? I wouldn't be bothered by it if I didn't think that it was at least a little true, right?

Could she still call herself a Borrower if she continued living the way she was?

One final question.

What am I going to do next?

Ashlynn curled tighter into a ball under her stitched comforter, only a tuft of her hair poking out and letting in what little light she kept on beneath the floorboards by the twinkle lights she'd moved from her place in the ceiling to beneath the floorboards.

Up above, she heard the muffled voices of the boys talking about something she couldn't quite make out, though she had a pretty good guess that it had something to do with her. She wanted to know more, but couldn't bring herself to focus on the words. Rather than focus on what was going on above her, she snagged the edges of her cloth, shoved it into her ears, and stayed curled beneath her blankets as her thoughts continued to compound in her head.

Sleep did not come.

Not this night.

Or the next.

Or the next.

~~~^*^*^~~~

One week. It had been an entire week and Soren hadn't heard anything from Ashlynn, their little Borrower friend. It was nerve wracking. He thought it was bad when his brothers were out of sight, and this was so much worse and yet different at the same time. Soren had grown accustomed to talking to someone who wasn't his brothers. He loved them. It was a fact. He had also loved his talks with Ashlynn – another adult who had complicated thoughts and feelings about so many things in life. Learning what little she was willing to share. Her perspectives. Explaining his world.

It made him feel like he was partaking in something bigger than himself, no pun intended.

He hoped Ashlynn was nearby at the very least. Even if she ignored his last request of coming to say good-bye, he hoped that she hadn't left entirely. Even if she did, Soren knew he had to force himself to be okay with it.

Sadly, the more he tried to force himself to let go, the more he felt the urge to hang on.

He stood there in the kitchen slicing chicken to make their own chicken strips for their dinner as his thoughts started to get the better of him.

Is she really taking what that stranger said so seriously? Is she okay? I hope she hasn't done anything reckless like run away or move. Maybe she's… borrowing? Maybe she's taking a step back and borrowing from another apartment instead of our own? And if she's gone? What then? I can't have her leave like that… not when I wanted to tell her how m-

"Hey… Soren."

Soren nearly dropped the knife in his hand as he spun around, eyes locking onto the familiar frame of Ashlynn as she stepped out of the electrical cover. He felt the weight that plagued him instantly vaporize, only to come crashing down on him again.

Yes, Ashlynn was standing there, but the clothes on her body and the pack on her back laden with tools and items.

One look and he knew why she was there – she was saying good-bye.

~~~^*^*^~~~

Ashlynn could see it in Soren's face the moment she stepped outside of the wall. Disappointment. Hurt. Eagerness. Happiness. A look one would give when the realization that time had run out. Ashlynn had thought a lot about it and, with a heavy heart, loaded up her pack once more and prepared for another journey out into the wilderness to find a home. Her mind was made up.

A Borrower wasn't a Borrower if they didn't follow the rules.

A Borrower wasn't a Borrower if they interacted daily with humans.

A Borrower wasn't a Borrower if they talked to a human.

And, a Borrower wasn't a Borrower if they had intense feelings for one of those humans.

It was a very simple process that, ultimately, reminded Ashlynn that she needed to leave. It wasn't a matter of what she did or didn't want to do. No Borrower would ever choose to leave unless they were seen or didn't have a human to borrow from. It was mandatory.

It was what was right.

Still, she couldn't – wouldn't – leave without honoring the one request Soren asked of her. He wanted to tell the boys something, and he deserved a proper goodbye. Ashlynn did want to say the same for the youngest two, but she wasn't sure she could face them and their tear-stained cheeks that would undoubtedly come with pleas for her not to go.

She wasn't even sure if she could make it through this one.

"Leaving?" The one word felt like it could crush her. His tone was soft, luring her in like the smell of warm cinnamon and sweet honey. It was also tense. This would be difficult for all of them.

The Borrower averted her gaze, staring at a smudge on the counter she was sure came from her shoe, and nodded bashfully. Soren's sigh was weighed down with unspoken emotions. She could feel it in herself too. It would be a miracle if she were able to walk away without filling her eyes with tears.

"Now?" A pang compressed her heart. A single nod. Ashlynn was sure she saw Soren mouth some curse word as he puffed a single time and folded his arms across his chest, leaning against the counter opposite her. As usual, his powers of mind reading were kicked into high gear. Despite rehearsing this interaction dozens of times as each essential found its way into her pack, Ashlynn now was completely tongue tied.

There were several seconds of silence, each compounding the gravity of Ashlynn's impending journey. After nearly two and a half minutes, both looked up simultaneously and tried to break the silence.

"Soren-"

"Ashl-… oh…" It made them both smile, even for a moment like they'd done over the past months together, as he gestured. "Go ahead." Cheeks scarlet, Ashlynn nodded.

"Thanks," she stated clearly. Her chest tightened again. "I just wanted to say… thank you. For everything. I… you…." She had to swallow hard to keep the emotions from choking her. "I can't repay what you've given me, and I wish I could say I'll make it up to you for the rest of my life… but… I… I can't stay."

Soren's body posture tightened, arms drawing closer to his chest as he looked down at the ground. Something was going on in his head. He chewed on his bottom lip. He wasn't looking up. Everything screamed non-acceptance to Ashlynn's words, and the defiance in his eyes confirmed it when he looked back at her.

"Yes… you can. You just don't want to," he stated flatly.

Ashlynn bristled and took a step forward boldly. "That… that's not true!"

"Oh please," sighed Soren. "You're letting some stranger who doesn't mean anything dictate who you are and what you should or shouldn't do. If you wanted to stay, you would. You know what I think? You're scared – and it isn't of us. You're scared because for the first time you think you don't know who you are."

As if she'd been slapped in the face, Ashlynn's jaw went slack and all rebuttals went blank. Soren jumped on her silence and continued.

"You think that the only thing you are is a Borrower, or whatever you said in the bathroom that day. You don't see you're so much more than that, Ashlynn. You're smart, and funny, and kind. You are an inventor and creator. You've got such a fascinating perspective on life, not just because of your size but because of the things you've learned how to do yourself. And I've never met anyone as athletically inclined as you. Survivor. Music lover. Sister, not just to your brother but also to mine. And… for me… well…" Soren's pause as he continued to rattle off attribute after attribute increased Ashlynn's heartrate tenfold. That pause, however, just about did her in. His tone wasn't harsh, but it was hurt, voice straining against some unnamed emotion.

No. No. No! This isn't how this parting was supposed to go! And why did he pause?

"F-for you?" Ashlynn accidentally echoed the words as Soren shook his head and dipped his head.

"Doesn't matter," he muttered. Excuse me? What?! What does that mean? "The point is that you are a fantastic person, Ashlynn. It doesn't matter what that Borrower said. If that's all you want to be, that's fine; but don't say you have to leave because of that. You're no pet and you're so much more than one measly little word."

Without warning, he pushed himself off the counter and began walking away.

"S-soren?!"

"I'm getting the boys so they can say goodbye," he said, the words haphazardly thrown over his shoulder as he quickly strode away at an impossible speed for a Borrower.

Ashlynn grasped her chest, fingers tugging at the layers of clothes on her body making her way too hot. That spiel was almost too much. Did she dare stay to say goodbye to the boys? Especially when this one went so poorly?

"What?!" The chorus of the two youngest brothers sounded like clattering silverware in a cold, empty house. It shattered the air and snapped Ashlynn out of her temporary trance. Thunderous footsteps rounded the corner and the pale blue eyes on those youthful round faces were already glistening.

"Ashlynn!" Rey choked as he was the first to scurry up to the countertop. "Please don't go! W-we didn't mean to scare y-you by holding the stranger. I-I-I'm the o-one who did it. Y-you don't have to-to-to see me."

"Please, Ashlynn? Y-you don't have to go. I'll be good and won't move so fast anymore when lifting you up. I promise! Please! Please!" Dorian pleaded.

Ashlynn expected bombardment, but this was a whole new level. The boys had advanced so quickly that Ashlynn didn't have time to back away. Her vision was instantly consumed with the boys' faces, fingers cresting ever so slightly over the edge of the counter. She glanced at Soren, who was back at his original position of folded arms and leaning against the counter. It was clear he was hurt, but he kept silent to let Ashlynn handle the boys.

Not jumping in to help… he's definitely upset with me.

"Ashlynn? Please? Do you really have to go?" asked Rey. He pressed the heel of his palm into his eye to wipe away the gushing tears. It felt like an impossible challenge to barely nod her head, eyes glimpsing from boy to boy.

"Y-yeah," she stammered. "I… I'm sorry. I have to."

"But, why?" Dorian whimpered.

"Guys," Ashlynn folded her arms before reaching up and pinching the bridge of her nose, hoping silently they didn't see the subtle tear wipe by her eyes. "I… It's not just what the stranger told me. I made the decision, and it was something I was thinking from the beginning."

Confusion flitted across the brothers' faces, so Ashlynn reluctantly elaborated.

"I… when you all first let me go back into the walls, I was supposed to leave. At the time, it was super snowy. It was too dangerous for me to leave then, and so I made myself a promise that I wouldn't change and that I'd leave when it was safe again. But… then… I spent time with all of you. I wanted to spend time here and forgot my promise."

Silence. Unbearable silence. It was Rey, as it always was, who broke first with his sweet, endearing voice.

"You… were always going to leave?"

Ashlynn nodded solemnly and kept her eyes averted. "I wasn't even supposed to stay to let you fix my arm when I was sick. It's just part of the rules."

"What rules?" Dorian interjected. "Did we break them?"

"No… I did," sighed Ashlynn. "And leaving is the only thing that'll make it right again. It's why I can't stay."

"B-but… will we s-see you again?" asked Rey. Tears spilled down the boys' cheeks as Ashlynn shook her head.

"I… I don't think so. No." muttered Ashlynn. "And if I want to get to a place to set up camp, I need to get going. I've stayed too long in the first place."

Reluctance filled the brothers' faces. Their desire was obvious, but something kept them quiet. Perhaps they heard Ashlynn's determination. Maybe they were hoping their compliance would convince her to stay. Regardless, Ashlynn forced herself to the edge of the countertop to touch the tips of Rey and Dorian's fingers.

"I… am so glad to have known you. I'm going to miss you, all of you. I told Soren, but I can't thank you enough for letting me be a part of your family." The goodbyes were tearful and strained, but they happened all the same. Ashlynn made sure to squeeze the boys' fingers hard in a hug she could manage, daring to linger as she clutched onto Soren's hand for the last time.

"Safe travels. Don't forget what I told you, Ashlynn. You're more than you think you are, and I hope you know you're always welcome back," replied Soren. Ashlynn nodded and, forcing herself to not look back over her shoulder, hoisted her pack back on and marched into the walls.

"Bye, Ashlynn."

She didn't see the rope. In fact, the Borrower practically crashed into the ground since her eyes were blurred with tears. The little woman was sure she could hear the two young boys crying just on the other side of the wall, but this was for the best. Each step carried the weight of a milk carton for the Borrower, and the gravity of what she was doing only made each step harder.

This is why I need to leave! I've become too comfortable. I'm not relying on myself. Before, this wouldn't have been this much of an issue. Challenging? Sure. Impossible like how it feels now? Wouldn't have been a thought. I've gotten soft. Comfortable. I need to go. I'll find someplace new. I won't be seen. I won't get sick.

Everything will go back to the way things were…

She repeated this mantra as she walked over the pipes and cords in the walls. She continued to repeat it as she reached the hole in the floor leading to the outside world. All the way from the line on the ground to the edge of the muddied path along the side of the house, the Borrower continued to recite the words.

It wasn't until dusk started to stretch across the sky that Ashlynn forced her thoughts to a stop and she replaced it with a rough to-do list to prepare a camp for the evening. Twigs were gathered. Leaves stacked. Makeshift bed propped up between the roots of a well-hidden tree. Ashlynn dared to light a fire to heat a small morsel of meat she'd stashed.

The foil reflected the little flickering light in front of her, but it took her restocking and relighting the fire three different times for her to actually begin heating her meal. Despite everything being set up perfectly, it all felt off.

Why? Is it because I miss the indoors? Is it because it's the first night away from a home I loved? What feels off about this whole thing?

For three days, Ashlynn fought these feelings off, chalking it up to her being home sick. Three days of marching off into the woods along the apartment line in search of a new home, someplace to call her own. Here, on the third night as she settled in for the evening, Ashlynn really started to think.

Ashlynn glanced around, her senses absorbing the evening around her. The cold of the air kept many creatures under the ground or up in the trees. No insects chirped like they would in the deep spring and summer months. Birds, except for birds of prey, were asleep. Anything scurrying about was staying close to their holes – their homes.

Ashlynn curled in on herself, eyes still fixed on the gleaming light as it flickered and reflected off of the foil her meal was wrapped in. Everything had come so naturally for her. From setting up the area to bedding down for the night. It was an old hat, something she easily slipped into.

Would someone who isn't a Borrower be able to do these things with such ease? Ashlynn wondered. If I'd lost my abilities as a Borrower, I wouldn't have remembered everything this easily. Sad… I can't even prove that stranger wrong….

I… I did all of this… but did I do it to prove it to myself? Or to that person? And why does that matter? Why do their opinions matter? I… I was happy… Why would I change if I was happy? All because someone else said something? What kind of… huh… what kind of idiot would give away their happiness because of what someone else said? Who was a stranger to tell Ashlynn who and what she was?

Everything that seemed so clear over the past few days vaporized. Soren was right. She'd always tied her concept of self to what she was. She had thought for so long that all of those things Soren listed before made her a good Borrower, but that wasn't the case. All of those things helped her be a good Borrower, but it didn't make her one.

Soren was right… and now she'd made a mess of everything.

She cast her eyes on the path behind her, and the only thought in her mind and heart was whether or not she should trek back down that lonesome road to the family she longed for, or did she trudge forward into the unknown.

~~~^*^*^~~~

Soren wiped down the counters for the fifth time. It never seemed like it was going to be enough. No matter how he hoped and searched, there were no signs for the past week that Ashlynn was there or that she was coming back. Little things all around reminded the boys of their little friend.

It was heart-wrenching every time they came across something that used to belong to her or that they'd put in place to make her life easier. Secured lines on the couch. Bells by doors and desk chairs to alert them if she was on the ground. Boxes with snacks and chip fragments.

All of these things were items Soren was slowly beginning to clean and stow away back into their rightful places. There was little sense in keeping them around if Ashlynn wasn't going to be there. It was also a matter of awareness. Ashlynn felt like she wasn't doing enough on her own.

If another Borrower were to come through, they would probably feel the same and be suspicious of the boxes and other easily laid out trinkets.

It didn't make it any easier. Dorian and Rey still asked questions and even begged one evening to be let out after dark to go looking for their friend. The thought of Ashlynn being alone in the wilderness was heart breaking for them. Still, Soren refused.

"But, Soren… why? Don't you miss her? Don't you want Ashlynn to come back?" asked Rey as he played with the edge of his plate, dinner completely untouched.

"I… I do miss her, and I do want her to come back, but that's not up to me," stated Soren.

"It could be. You could ask her to come back. You could convince her," muttered Dorian, imitating his younger brother and playing with the edge of his untouched plate of food.

Soren shook his head while snagging a few bites of food from his own dinner. "It wouldn't be right. Even if I knew where she was, I wouldn't try to convince her. She thinks she needs to go and do something," stated Soren. "Now, if you're not going to eat, then we need to clear up the table and get ready for bed."

"But… Soren… what if we don't ever get to see her again? Wouldn't that make you sad?" asked Rey. The words stung. Of course he wanted to see her again. It was a no brainer, but that wasn't what mattered. He shoved his feelings aside as he pushed himself up from the table.

"Then we won't see her. And it doesn't matter how it makes me feel. If she wants to come back, she will."

"She already has."

Soren nearly dropped the plate in his hands as he and the boys all whipped around, eyes locking onto the figure standing tall on the edge of the counter. The joyous sparks were like fireworks in their eyes, yet they stayed in place, afraid she was just a vision. It didn't stop the eldest of the boys from uttering her name as it teased his lips into a smile.

"Ashlynn."

Her blue-gray eyes glistened with tears of happiness as she stared at the three boys who she had become attached to. Sure, it was only a week, but it had been a long week. The trek had been less than ideal, but now that she was back the Borrower was certain she never wanted to leave.

That is… if they would have her.

"Ashlynn! We've missed you! Where'd you go? Are you okay? Are you in trouble? You're not leaving again, right?" Both Dorian and Rey spat out questions faster than Ashlynn could register them. The only thing she was actually acutely aware of was the glisten in Soren's golden hazel eyes. She couldn't tear her eyes away from them. There were dozens of emotions, but it was one she hadn't seen before that really caught her attention.

Heartache.

Excitement.

Longing.

The pitter patter of the boys' feet as they darted from the table to the edge of the counter, unable to control themselves for a moment longer, is what pulled Ashlynn away from those hypnotic eyes. Perspective consumed with the found faces and eager blue eyes, she felt no need to back away as she would have when she first met them.

"Ashlynn? Are you staying? We really missed you," said Dorian.

"Yeah, we all did. Where did you go?" Rey chimed in. Ashlynn chuckled and shook her head. There was so much she wanted to say, and yet she hadn't thought of a single way to say everything she needed to.

"I… I went out into the woods for a bit. Made it three days out actually," Ashlynn replied. "And… it took me that long to… realize a few things." She looked up at Soren. "You… you were right. as you always are. I… I should've listened to you. I should've put it together sooner that what I am isn't the only thing I am.

"And… I… I'm sorry… and… if it's okay… I'd like to come back. I'd like us to be together again. If you'll have me."

"Well duh!" grinned Rey.

"Like you have to ask," Dorian mimicked.

Soren remained quiet for a moment, eyes locking onto Ashlynn's gaze as he seemed to be taking a measure of her. "If you stay, you have to mean it. Do you?"

Ashlynn's response, only moments later, felt like it spanned an eon. Her nod only made the boys' smile broaden, and it made Soren's eyes gleam in a way she'd never seen before. It made her skin tingle and burn.

Oh… I've missed this. I've missed them… him…

"Well then… boys, are you going to bed? Or are you going to finish dinner? Ashlynn, are you hungry?" asked Soren.

"I could eat, but don't go to any trouble," stated Ashlynn. Soren nodded slowly and directed his attention to his younger brothers.

"Then you two need to go and find all of our silverware for her. It's probably in your room. Go on. We'll be here." Dorian and Rey were off comically fast. If Soren didn't know better, little puffs of smoke outlines were left behind as his brothers practically vaporized and sprinted off to their room.

The two were alone, and it didn't take long for Soren to step up to the edge of the counter, arms folded across his broad chest as he bent over and made eye-contact with her. Ashlynn's heart pounded and fluttered as she examined every micro-expression on Soren's face.

"Took you long enough, little miss. Welcome home…" Ashlynn opened her mouth to say something, but words didn't come to her, and they certainly wouldn't now because in that moment Soren reached up with a single finger, kissed the tip, and pressed his finger to the side of her cheek. Her jaw went slack in disbelief, and still no words came to her, especially with the playful wink Soren gave as he stood once again to his full height.

Instantly burning up, Ashlynn averted her gaze in fear that Soren could see how hard she was blushing. If he noticed, he wasn't saying anything. It was the return of Rey and Dorian that separated the two of them, and together they shared dinner as though not a day had passed between them.

Dinner passed and so did the events of the evening. For days, neither Soren nor Ashlynn discussed what happened on the kitchen counter, but that quickly became the past as little signs of affection presented themselves between the two.

It would take time, but all good things do….

~~~~~^*^*^*^*^~~~~~

And so this is how so many wonderful things began. Every story begins somewhere, and this is theirs. In another time… in another universe… in another story… things may have been different. Here and now? With this small and tall collection? Everything is as it should be.

Some belong together no matter what path they tread, and these two are no different.

What other adventures will they see I wonder…?