Her Story Part 2 - The Hate I Create (Risa's Story)
{[The inability to forgive yourself is no different than digging a dagger into your flesh. The deeper your guilt, the sharper the pain becomes. Your soul will bleed out until it learns to hate itself.]}
Caged and confused, Risa held her head low.
I did this to myself…
Risa thumbed the slave crest on her chest.
She was fooled, and this was the price she paid.
Her mind returned to the foxes and how she had cut them down. She had done this because humans had captured her kin.
They offered her people a simple transaction. Kill the foxes, and they get their family back.
Risa's stomach turned, and she fought back the urge to vomit.
Everyone is dead… The foxes and my entire family… What pleasure do humans get out of watching demi's kill each other?
Risa glanced around. Demi's of all types were lined around her, but she was held in high regard.
Demi slaves dressed her up in a thin dress that highlighted her curves. Then, they put makeup on her face to highlight her charms.
"Don't move." One of them spat out her words.
They're upset with me… Is it because I'm a virgin and I was valued higher than them?
The demi's glared fiercely at Risa. Their eyes were daggers, and their teeth were fangs ready to rip her apart.
"You're the girl who killed demi's on behalf of humans." The demi-mouse girl pulled on Risa's hair, enough to make a jolt of pain go down her spine. "Did it feel good? Killing our kind…"
That's why… They know the truth…
"It didn't," Risa admitted. The second demi scoffed a profanity under her breath.
Demi's don't help one another… But we hold each other accountable… Even before we had these crests on our chests… We were already living like slaves…
"Your clan got what it deserved." The mouse continued her assault. "But you… You'll have it worse."
"Worse?" Risa's ear lifted.
"Yes… Don't think just cause you're a virgin, and a beautiful one at that… Don't think for a second you'll have it better than the rest of us… You're worth a lot of money… So you'll attract one of three types of men."
The second demi smiled. They had worked long enough to witness the fates of demi's who were bought.
"You'll either get a wealthy master who chooses virgins to fuck at his leisure, he wants something no man has ever touched, and he'll rip your pussy apart with more than just his cock. They become obsessed with their living treasure, but that obsession fades, once you do one thing they don't like... They all act the same after... They feel like they were cheated, and they eventually blame the slave until they get to the point where they can't stand looking at the demi they bought... Once they get to that point, they kill their slave and replace her... And rinse and repeat."
Risa's body shook.
"Second, you'll get a master who has a harem of women… He'll keep you around to rape whenever he gets the itch for your face and body… Those types of men don't have the same obsession for their property as the first type of men. Instead, they like to show off what they have to their peers… You'll more than likely spend your days getting fucked by their friends until you're used up and die."
Which is worse? Obsession and abuse, or being shared until my body gives out?
"And lastly, the third type of Master you can get… He'll be someone who values your skills with a sword, but those types of men will use you as a guard, and he'll order you to keep killing demi's… But that might be just what you want… It doesn't change the fact that he will treat you as his plaything every night... You might learn to love it once your cunt is stretched out three times its size." The mouse smirked. Her words were ripping into Risa. "Either way, you'll get what you deserve."
The mice finished combing and applying the makeup on Risa. They left the young woman alone in her solitary slave room. She didn't have a cage like the others. Her enchanting body had earned her status among the slave merchants, and her past had created disdain among the slaves.
Risa sat on her bed. Her hand reached for a sword that was gone… And her mind replayed her sins in flashes. The innocent demi's she slaughtered... Their screams as they fled for their lives... And the ones who desperately fought back.
The laughter's of the humans enjoying the slaughter.
And when it was said and done, the howls of her people dying... The humans had let them exhaust their strength and then laid a trap.
Her hand reached for her father's corpse right before a mage burned a slave seal on her chest.
I'm lucky they didn't have their way with me… But that was only to sell me at a higher price… I'm hated here… It doesn't matter how they feel about me… I hate myself more than they can ever hate me...
Risa curled up in her bed covers and cried herself to sleep.
*******
Two days passed, and Risa wept what she imagined was over a million tears for too many reasons.
Until her body mediated that it was time to stop.
I didn't think it was possible to stop crying… I still feel the same, but nothing comes out of my eyes…A part of me is frozen…
A fat customer wore elaborate green silks, leather boots, and some silver jewelry. His eyes studied Risa's body. He puckered his lips, and his fingers grazed his greasy mustache.
His eyes tell me everything… He wants to fuck me… And that's as far as he'll value me… But deep down… I deserve it… No, I deserve the worst that life can offer me… And if I'm lucky… Whoever buys me will kill me… I just pray he'll release my soul… But my kin are still out there… In time, they'll get devoured… Regardless… I won't ever see them again…
"She's too skinny." The man glanced at the store owner. "I like bustier women. Her little body doesn't have much to grab onto."
"Of course." The slaver guided his client away from Risa towards his bustier selection.
He's gone… Why… Why do I feel so relieved?
"Don't get cocky, you traitor." A slave in a cage spoke. He was a demi-raccoon and muscular. "You'll get what's coming to you… And once it happens, blood will roll down your legs, your hips will be sore, and your most valued part will be more torn up than your cruel heart… When that day comes I hope your owner chokes the life out of you."
Risa didn't reply. Instead, she returned to her room.
Death… That's the only way I'll be free from this crest… It's the only way to be free from my past… If only I were so lucky to die…
*******
Risa was led by the hand away from her room and towards the entrance of the store. The demi hurried her along.
This is the first time they rushed me this far out… Who wants to see me?
In front of her stood a man wearing odd armor, carrying an odd weapon, and hiding his face behind a mask.
He, too, hides his shame behind a mask…
"She's a warrior? But she's so tiny?" The man spoke to the slaver.
He wants to use me as a weapon… So he's the third type of Master… I wouldn't mind fighting… Maybe some demi will kill me during a battle… Maybe… Maybe he won't rape me… No, I can tell, behind that mask, his eyes harbor the desire for lust… But he's not arrogant like the others… Why does he seem shy about it? No matter what happens, I can't deny any request.
Ashner held out a dagger.
Risa took it.
This dagger is well made… But it feels odd in my hand… Last time I held one… I killed… No, push those thoughts aside… Drown the memories in the back of my mind… Forget everything… Just become the one thing I'm afraid of… Ashner tossed a canteen, and Risa cut it in two with ease. Become the slave he wants me to be…
"Do you want to be mine?" Ashner asked the girl.
You're asking me? If I say no and you buy me anyway… No, stop thinking, just tell him what he wants to hear… I'm sick of this establishment. I'm tired of waiting for my fate to form… If he wants to use me, then he can use me. If he wants to fuck me, then he can do that too… Speak… Let him know I'm worth his coin.
"If you were to buy me… I vow to give you every part of me… If you want a warrior, I'll obey… If you want a servant, I'll obey." Risa leaned in and whispered. "If you want a sex slave, I'll obey you… And only you."
*******
The walk out of the city was a daze. Risa struggled to breathe, her mind was blank, and she barely surmised that Alex was walking next to her.
Until she walked into a room with a bed.
I'm here… And he wants what I have… Accept this punishment, accept your shame, and maybe, just maybe, those souls I killed might forgive me a little.
"I am yours. Do whatever you want with me." Risa spoke confidently.
Before Ashner said anything, Risa removed her blue dress. She wore no underwear underneath. Her nipples were bright pink, and her chest was perky. Risa's tail and ears slanted down and complimented her petite body. She shook and covered her chest with her arm after Ashner stared for a few seconds.
He's the first man to ever see me naked… I'm ready for this… Why isn't he moving? Fine, I'll lead.
Risa wrapped her arms around Ashner's chest and walked back, falling back-first onto the bed. Ashner was still dressed. Risa's heart started beating rapidly.
I know why you bought me… Why you brought me here… Get started… Use me… Break me… Make me yours… Then throw me away… Kill me if you want… I'm ready… Don't hesitate… Do it… Why? Oh no… Why… I thought I was done with these emotions… I'm not... My face... My nose... My voice... Tears? Don't, don't look at them… Look at my body… Not my face… Please… Don't... Don't look at me…
"Risa…"
He's concerned… No… Don't be… I'm just a slave, something you bought… Get it over with… Do it already… Do you need me to keep reassuring you?
"It's okay, Master. These are tears of joy… I am yours… Only yours… Please… Let me fuck you… Let me care for you…"
At this rate, he'll abandon me… Why am I lying… These are tears of shame… Tears of guilt… Tears for the part of myself that will die in this bed...
"Please, don't abandon me…"
Why am I so afraid? I did worse than this… I deserve this… I need to repent for my past… So why… Why am I desperate? What am I trying to hold on to? Why am I shaking?
"If I touch you… I'll shatter you…"
Ashner stood up and moved away from her.
No… This was supposed to happen… He was supposed to be the worst… The most horrid of all slave owners… He was supposed to avenge those I harmed… So why… Why am I so relieved?
*******
Elves… I thought their kind were wiped out years ago…
Risa studied the slavers around her and their victims. They had just walked out of the cave where the slimes were... And now they were greeted with the cruelty of mankind.
Once again… Humans destroy everything in their path… What thoughts am I allowed to have? I'm chained to a human… Soon, his thoughts will become my thoughts… Will he consume my very essence with the crest… Or will I willingly become his… No, I'm glad he didn't force himself on me… But I will never fall for a human…
Risa held the combat knife so tightly that her knuckles had become white.
At least for right now… My thoughts are clear… My desires are laid out for everyone… Forgive me, elves… I'm powerless… Soon, you'll bear my shame, and we'll all become slaves to the wicked… The least I can do is look away… I won't witness your shame…
"I realize I haven't punished you yet." Ashner tilted his head towards Risa. Her eyes were down on the grass, and she controlled her rage. "I order you, by my authority as your Master… Tell me what you want to do to those men…"
Why would you ask that… I won't be able to lie… Fight back… Fight back my true desires… What is Ashner plotting? Fight the words… No, the seal won't let me… I have to say it…
"… Kill…" Risa whispered. "I want to kill them."
Her response was met with laughter from the slavers.
"You have a pretty dark heart, Risa…" Ashner commented. "But I suppose… That in this world… That's the only way to survive… So as your punishment… My order…"
He trapped me… I guess all humans are the same… Regardless of the world…
Ashner fired two rounds around Risa.
What is this… Blood… It's not mine, though… Ashner… Did you… You killed them… You are different.
The laughter ended abruptly.
Please give me the order… Unleash my chains… Release my rage!
"Risa, kill the slavers."
Gladly.
*******
What is up with this elf? Risa glared at Luna. She has some ego on her… Even if she's my slave sister, I hate her type… People who fight with their words instead of their blades annoy me… This entire time, she's been trying to get on Ashner's good side… But why?
Luna opened up her elven backpack and pulled out fruits and dried meats from it. "So this is a rarity?"
Gio rushed towards them and knelt down by the food. "Fuck yes! Is that meat!"
"Yes, help yourself." Luna smiled as she spoke.
Using Ashner's friends to get to him… Well… I won't let an elf show me up.
Risa walked towards the rushing river, used her hands to catch a fish, and returned to Ashner.
"Have you ever eaten this?"
That elf doesn't have these kinds of skills.
"How do we cook it?" Gio asked.
"I don't know how to do it," Ashner admitted. "The last time I had fish, I was a kid. Can you cook it, Risa?"
"Ah… I…" Risa's ears came down, along with her pride. "No, I can't."
"Give it here." Luna took the fish and started cleaning it with a thin knife she hid under her sleeve. "One fish won't be enough to feed us all."
She outsmarted me… That pointed-eared, big-boobed, sly woman!
Even so, Ashner blessed Risa with the XP system. The cat smiled as she returned to the river.
He has magic that grants powers… It wasn't wise of my Master to give that elf power… She's the kind of woman who will betray him… Wait… Why am I thinking like this? My Master? Am I accepting it? What's wrong with me… After all… I know what I want… And Naomie did a good job tracking us… Tomorrow… Her clan will finally have justice…
*******
"There's the bridge." Risa dashed ahead of the group.
I see it… The town where my clan fought… My brother and father… Everyone… Maybe some of them survived.
As she closed the distance, a demi-cat held his head up. He kept his back to Risa, and around him were dozens of demi-cats.
"I'm here."
They turned and gave a welcoming smile. Some reached out and waved at their missing sister.
I found them.
For a moment, the intrusive thoughts in her mind faded, and light returned... Until that very light illuminated the vision before her.
One of the bodies pivoted his head towards Risa. His skin was dry, his eyes were empty, and his flesh was peeling off where a spear had ripped him apart.
The one's reaching out to her only desired flesh for the Dead God to consume. And the smiles were created from the corpse's lips decaying.
They're not welcoming me home… They're trying to drag me into the mouth of the Dead God…
Risa kept a small flame of hope for her people… But a light gust of wind whiffed it away. Reality crushed her once more.
That's right… The reason I came here wasn't to return home…
Ashner's strong arms pushed and held Risa down. "Gio!" He screamed, and the echo of thunder ripped apart the bodies of her loved ones.
Ashner covered Risa's eyes. "You don't need to see this."
"Master…"
You're trying so hard to keep me safe… After that night, you've treated me like I'm made of glass, like one wrong word or a gentle graze will crack me… But you don't know the whole truth… I'm already shattered… I was shattered long before you met me… But, even so… Why does it make me so happy that you're willing to protect me? I'm supposed to hate you… I'm supposed to want you dead… My whole life, I was told that a master will only destroy you… But you… You're willing to protect me from this, from monsters… And even from your lust… Maybe you'll accept what my wish is… A truth that shames me… One that will make you hate me…
Overlooking the long downward path, more corpses walked towards them. Some of them had fox ears and tails.
"Oh no." Gio mouthed. Ashner had moved his hands away, and Risa glanced into his eyes.
"Humans stole our youngest and weakest people… They said if we slaughtered the demi-foxes, then they would release them… We did as they asked, but it was a lie. They were already dead... They told us that as they turned their weapons on us… And I was the only survivor, and they enslaved me…" Risa's eyes watered. "I stole their lives… Just so I would end up a slave… Ashner…" Risa admitted her sins and true intentions. "I came here to die.."
"I knew it!" Naomie aimed her handgun at Risa. "IT WAS YOU!"
Little fox… Ashner… Now you know the truth… I'm not someone that needs to be protected… I'm someone that needs to be punished… Naomie… From the moment you met me… I sensed it… Your blood lust… So little child… Kill me and avenge everyone my people killed.
Risa didn't resist. She got on her knees and put her sword to her side.
"YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME!" Naomie roared with tears in her eyes.
Yes, I did… I didn't hesitate, I didn't stop… I killed those you cherished… Even if those humans didn't lie and my people were returned to us… It wouldn't erase my sins… So, please… Take your justice… Claim it with your hands… Make your clan proud with my death…
Ashner stood between them and tried to calm the situation down.
"Please… Let her make this choice." Risa spoke confidently.
I don't understand… Why is he trying to stop her? Doesn't he see what I did? Don't deny Naomie her justice… I'm ready… Let her kill me… It's for her… For everyone she lost… It's to end her suffering… Master, please, you're a kind man… Let that girl end my life…
"Kill me." Risa continued and closed her eyes. "You have every right."
They're still talking… It's only been a few moments, but it feels like time has stopped… This is for her, Naomie's justice… That's why I'm so calm… I hear footsteps… A child's footsteps… Naomie is walking towards me… She'll end my life up close… I accept it… She stopped... Do it...
Naomie fell to her knees. Instead of saying words, she cried. Her tears turned into heaving, bitter weeps. Naomie used her hands to wipe away the tears Risa had created.
No… No… No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, please no, no, no, no, no, No! No! No! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Please don't let me see your tears… Your sobs… Your pain… I don't want to hear it or see it… I don't want to be reminded of what I did to you… Please stop… Please kill me instead… Do it for yourself… Do it… No… No… I made this little girl cry… My actions caused this…
Risa's eyes began to water.
This girl doesn't want to kill me… She never has… Naomie wants something I stole… Something I can never return to her… Why am I lying to myself… I don't want her to kill me for her sake… I want her to end my life for 'my' sake… Because this shame is too much for me to handle… It's overwhelming me… And I've been dreading it… But she deserves more than my life…
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry…. I'm so sorry." Risa's voice mixed with her tears. "I did an unforgivable thing to you… And I should die here with the last of my kind… I don't want to face you… I hate the shame inside of me… Please… Kill me… Let me be free from this…"
I never thought I'd plead for someone to kill me… But here I am… Asking a child to do the unthinkable…
"No." Naomie wiped her eyes. "I'm the last golden demi-fox, and you're the last black demi-cat. We're both the last of our clans… I hate you… I detest you and your clan for what you did… But I can relate to you more than anyone in this world… Because we are both alone... Our ears and tails will be the last in Eden... So… I forgive you…"
She what? How? If our positions were swapped I… This girl… It only hurts me more that I made her suffer… She deserved better… I can't offer her anything… Nothing at all… But she's giving me everything…
"I hate you more than you can imagine…" Naomie dug her nails into the dirt. "But I hate how weak I am more… I can't fight, and even though I escaped while my family and friends were killed, I still became a slave…"
She feels weak… I have never felt weak… Even with this slave crest… Maybe that's what I can offer her… My skills… But am I worthy of teaching her? No, if anything, I'm the last person who should… But her tears… She's ashamed of her weakness… And in turn, I'm ashamed of what my strength did… What would my family say if I trained another demi… I don't know… I'm so lost… What should I do? Risa glanced at Ashner. Behind his eyes, she grasped something. He was smiling. He wants us both to live… Okay… I'll offer her the only thing I can… My sword…
*******
As the souls of their families and friends faded into the afterglow, Risa studied Ashner. He was more than she ever imagined.
How did he manage it? He saved me from myself… And he saved the souls of our fallen kin… I've never met anyone as kind as him… Risa smiled. Wait… What was that? Did my heart skip a beat? But he's my Master… He can't be anything more… I'm getting caught up in the moment, and he… Wait… His eyes… They're so cold… I've seen them before… But I never took the time to grasp the emotions he hides behind his mask…
"Do you need more time?" Ashner asked as a cool breeze rushed around them. Risa slowly glanced up at him.
I understand him a little now… He also harbors shame… And Ashner has carried his far longer than I carried mine… But unlike me… He used that shame to help others… Even if I denied him the physical pleasure he wanted from me… That pain in his heart carries him forward… While the pain in mine tried dragging me to the grave… It's all thanks to him... I'll leave my sins behind with the bodies of those I love. I'll let the dead rest and start once more… But not from zero… I have someone who I truly admire and respect… Someone who I'm proud to call my…
"Master… You risked your life for people you didn't know… All for my sake… Even after I failed to please you… And you knew how much I wanted this…" Risa's words were becoming heavy sobs. "I would've given you my everything for this… I planned on begging until you killed me or submitted… Alex was right about you… You're different…"
I'll serve you out of my free will. I want to see what you'll accomplish… I swear, I'll stand by your side and support all your decisions… I'll face our enemies by your side and create the world you want… As thanks for saving the souls of not just my people but Naomie's as well…
"I give you all I am… Not because I'm your slave… But because you are someone I want to fight for… A heart like yours… With immeasurable kindness … And bravery without rival… It's worth protecting…"
Risa stood up, closing the distance that she created with Ashner.
"I am Risa, the last of the black cats… Leliel's last heir… I offer you my sword, my wind, and my loyalty… Please allow me to continue serving you… Until the last of our days, as your slave."
Ashner glanced at Naomie and shook his head. "No."
No?
"The only reason we came here was for my personal redemption… I took you in as a woman I thought I could take advantage of… I was a fool, and I'm so sorry for that… I kept telling myself that I bought you because I wanted to get laid… But the truth is… I was lonely… I was so alone and needed someone there for me… Someone who didn't know my past… Someone who wouldn't judge me… Someone who would ease the pain in my life… I wanted more than lust… My life became a nightmare after that night… And for the longest time, I thought I deserved this pain for failing her…"
You're lonely… I've known that since the moment I saw you… But loneliness causes frail people to become selfish and violent… You held that desire back and instead took the hardest route… I don't know who you failed to save, but... Wait…
"Master?" Risa's eyes came up with concern. "Why are you crying?"
Ashner's hand came to his chin, and sure enough… Tears were running down his face under his mask. He studied his teardrop and closed his hand.
"I never wanted a slave… I wanted a friend…"
Why didn't I notice it before? You're also shattered… It's why you didn't force yourself on me… And why you treat your slaves with such kindness… How can I help him? How can I mend his soul… I don't know… I'm not as wise as Luna… All I have is my sword… And my body… Maybe that's enough…
Risa leaned in and hugged him tightly.
Accept my warmth, accept the littlest thing I can give you… You're not alone anymore… I don't know what happened in your past, and I don't care… I know the man who stands in front of me right now… He's worthy of my loyalty… So, please…
"Every time I look at you, you're always in pain… Even if it's just a little… Let me help you."
I hope this is enough…
*******
Risa adjusted Naomie's back and studied the young girl. "Your posture still needs some work." The blonde girl held a short wooden sword in an attack posture.
The two girls were in Naomie's room. It was spacious but not nearly large enough to train, so the girls moved the bed and placed it against the wall.
"Posture, proper footing, and strong strikes… These are the foundation for the neku's fighting style." Risa readied her sword and attacked a wooden target Gio had cut for them.
The wood rattled, and Risa controlled the pain in her hands and arms.
"You're amazing." Naomie's eyes sparked with admiration. "Will I become as strong as you one day?"
"I don't know… I'm not that strong." Risa admitted. "I rely on my wind magic… It takes me close to my enemy, powers my sword, and, in most cases, allows me to slice through them easily."
Naomie's eyes twinkled more.
"But my power comes at a cost." Risa held the wooden sword up. "My swords don't last long. They break often, and if that happens at the wrong time. Well, hopefully, it never happens at the wrong time."
"I'm mana-less," Naomie admitted. "Maybe this style of fighting won't help me."
"Being without magic doesn't make you weak… Holding a weapon you're ill-prepared to use in combat does… So I'll teach you what I know… But that weapon Ashner gave you." Naomie tilted her head at the firearm. "That weapon is powerful."
"It's easier to use." Naomie tapped it. "It has practically no recoil, and the guys all take turns teaching me how to fire it. But I think I'll ask Ashner for a larger one when the time is right. Maybe a submachine gun."
"What's that?" Risa raised her ear.
"It fires more rounds, but it's not as hard to control as their assault rifles."
Risa raised her other ear.
"I've been learning." Naomie's voice cracked as she spoke. "Wong has brought me books, and he's teaching me something he calls basic math, and Gio has been filling my room with toys… Ashner keeps his distance, but he leaves me little trinkets, and he got me clothes…"
She cares for the three… I wonder if she views them as older brothers… Or maybe as father figures…
"Naomie, you've refused to go into Ashner's world… He stepped away from the topic, but I won't… Tell me the truth… Why do you refuse to enter Earth… Even when it comes to our world… When you're in Eden, you're on edge."
"Because I'm scared…" Naomie's tone soften.
"Strength means facing your fears." Risa lectured.
"I know…" Naomie's ears dropped, and her tail wagged timidly.
"When I feel stronger… I'll walk through that door into his world…"
She's shaking… I don't understand her… Eden is much deadlier than Earth… Is she afraid of the unknown? It's an irrational fear… But she's still young… And it's my responsibility to lift her up from her fears… It's a vow I will uphold…
"I will make you strong," Risa smirked. "Now, let's continue."
Ashner stepped into the room.
Risa's ears jolted up.
Master! Why is he here? Risa studied her body. She was covered in sweat. The cat girl took a cautious step back as Ashner closed the distance.
Ashner handed them wooden swords coated in graphene and then led the two outside of Naomie's room, where he used his power to create something new.
A staircase emerged.
They entered the training room.
Once again, Ashner's power leaves me speechless. If he's capable of creating these kinds of things… What else can he do? With this room, I can train Naomie properly… I've met mighty warriors in my past… But none of them give without hoping to get something in return… That mindset invites people that will take advantage of him… And others who don't understand and assume he's trying to trick them in one way or another… Genuine kindness died long before slaves roamed our world… But with him… Risa caught herself smiling as Ashner gave the girls the room. He's a being blessed with power, and instead of allowing it to consume him for selfish reasons, he gives power to people he trusts… He does his best to make everyone around him feel complete in this broken world… Even when he's been shattered by others… How can he smile like that? And how can he make Naomie smile just as brightly? Why does my heart flutter? A part of me wishes…
Risa glanced at her stomach, and a selfish wish crossed her mind.
No, no, no, don't imagine that… I can't forget what I've done… Who I've hurt… I need to pay for it… I will pay for it… When the time comes… These ideas are just part of the punishment…
*******
That's the last of the spiders. Risa shook her head quickly. Nobody around her had died during their last push into the dungeon. All that's left is her… The Drider…
Ashner paced calmly toward the wounded monster. The Drider's fear magic exploded out of her in a last-ditch effort to live.
No! My body is trembling! Not just mine… Everyone… If we can't move, she'll kill us… If she escapes, she'll form another nest! Ashner! What do we do? Please, we need you!
Ashner laughed. His tone was a mix of chaos and pity towards the monster. His laughter shifted the tone of the warriors who had fought by his side. The fear in their hearts faded, and the Drider started shaking in fear.
"Don't bother." He aimed his sidearm at the monster's head. "There's nothing to fear from you."
Ashner pulled the trigger.
You conquered fear magic and brought us back from the brink… Risa smiled… I'd expect nothing less from the man I admire.
*******
Risa pouted as she leaned her back against a tree.
Who is that redhead? And why has Ashner been sneaking out to see her on his own? Is that his type? Does he prefer wings over ears? That's not fair… I can't grow wings, and my hair is black… I can't change that either… And she let him touch her… Her chest… How indecent! There are steps that are needed before that line is crossed… Risa gritted her teeth. Why am I so jealous? It's not like he's mine… He can do whatever he wants… Not to mention… I don't deserve him… I want him to kiss me, to hold me… I want him to touch me too… I just feel so stupid… I can't forget that I'm being punished for what I did… I need to accept this as part of my punishment… No matter what happens… I don't deserve happiness…
"That's right… Don't forget what I did…" Risa tapped her head against the tree. "Don't forget that my soul is drenched in the blood of the innocent… I don't deserve him…"
*******
He stood up against all of Sanctuary for Angel… Ashner is willing to have the whole world hate him to save someone he cares about… I know I won't ever hate him… No matter what we face… I'll be his blade and shield… I want to understand you more… I want to be someone you rely on… Even if my heart hurts… Because a part of me wishes that it was me that you had saved instead of her… Even so… This is my punishment… My sins must be paid… Even if it's getting harder and harder to be around him… Angel… She's so frail… But she's strong and pushes for the things that she wants… I can't help but admire her… That's why I'm hugging her… That's why I'll keep her safe… This will also be part of my punishment… And once she gives Ashner children, I will protect them… It'll be a reminder of what I can never have… Even so, I'll love them and protect them…
"I don't just want him." Angel smiled. "I want you and Luna too."
Me? Why does she want me? I wish… I wish I had the courage Angel has… I want to hug him… My body and my soul want him… I want him so much that I don't mind sharing him… As long as I'm in his life, I don't care… But Angel doesn't see it that way… She wants us all to be a huge family… Angel… The world harmed you… You deserve love… I harmed the world… I don't deserve it… So, please… Don't push these ideas in my head… I have to kill the hope that refuses to die in my heart…
*******
Risa opened her eyes. Everything hurts… Where am I? Someone is carrying me… Wait… The dungeon… Did we win? Of course, we did… But who's holding me?
"Put me down!" Risa flailed around until Ashner did as she asked.
No, no, no… He held me… It's what I wanted… Why does fate tempt me like this? I don't understand… I… I… I care for him so much…
After arguing for a bit, Risa submitted and allowed Ashner to carry her on his back.
My face is burning… This is what I want… No, I want more… So much more… It hurts so much that I can't have it… But why can't I? Luna and Angel both want him… It's cause of the blood I shed… Or maybe it's something else? Have I just been using that as an excuse? I don't understand… I don't know… I'm so lost… My head keeps spinning and giving me so many guilt trips… I'm exhausted, I'm tired of crying myself to sleep over it… I'm tired… I'm so tired… I'm tired of punishing myself… When will it be enough? How would I even know when it's enough? I can't stand it anymore… I can't stand myself or the anxiety that creeps into me… I need my mind to shut off… I need it to end… But how? Does anyone have the answer… Maybe Ashner does…
"Ashner," Risa spoke meekly. "How long does someone need to suffer until they're forgiven for their sins?"
Why did I ask him? What's wrong with me… But he's thinking about it… Maybe he'll find an answer I can't…
"The moment someone truly regrets their actions and tries to make a difference. That's when they're forgiven… Sometimes, our consciousness will tell us otherwise and drag us through the mud, making us relive our shame over and over… It leaves us wounded in a cycle of guilt… But just how I'm carrying you now… You need to carry yourself above your shame and remorse… Step on them like how we step on the grass at our feet… The grass, like our past, remains unaware of our guilt." Ashner spoke confidently. "Just like the moon above us, it cares not for anything below it… Instead, it shines and gives light to all things… So do the same… Shine brightly above the things that haunt you… And stomp on your regrets until they're buried in your past… Then move on when your body is exhausted 'cause that's your soul telling you it's been punished enough."
This man… He's everything I want… I'm done lying to myself…
Risa started purring.
I love this man…