Chapter 106

Emma's POV

How the call ended was a bit strange. I didn't know why my mom had to cut it off. 

As much as I wanted to dash to Mark's, I wasn't feeling up to it and I had started to feel gnawing pains in my belly. I concluded my mom was gonna be alright and left it at that. 

When I called her, I wasn't expecting to hear her say those things she said, but they sure were what I needed to hear, in retrospection. 

Maybe it was better after all. 

My raw maternal instincts were mourning the baby, but a baby wasn't really what I needed. 

And she was right about the other part too. 

Chase and I were going to college in less than a month. 

She said two letters came from different schools for him, it was a lot more than a punch in my gut that he applied to two schools, none of which I applied to. 

I thought the plan was to be together. Apparently, I didn't mean so much to him. 

As I held my head in my hand, I cried to the God I don't know if I believed in. 

I'd been cheated so badly in my very short lifetime. 

I then realized that I'd really been holding on to everything I thought was dead and gone, everything we've been through. 

Chase and II needed something more, more that just talking about the issues, and banging the fuck out of ourselves.

I never really felt heard with him. He always wanted to do something to make things better, say something, buy something, when all I really needed him to do was actually listen to me. 

I told him everything I wanted him to know, but I did that in my head. 

I constantly had conversations with him in my mind, but it had no effect on what was going on in real life.

I cried, prayed, begged for a sign that Chase and I were meant to be. 

I wasn't really spiritual, or believed in anything extraordinary, I never saw the sense in it. 

 "Why are you down here, babe?" Chase said. He probably rolled over and found out the other side of the bed was empty. 

 "I just had to make a call." I replied, wiping my eyes so he didn't see the tears in them. 

 "And you couldn't do that upstairs?" He asked, surprised. 

I didn't know what answer to give to that, so I picked myself up from the floor, ignoring his outstretched hand. 

I grabbed a pillow instead, the one I'd wetted with tears, and a blanket.

 "What's going on, Emma?" He asked. 

I looked at him, ready to spill, but the words won't just get out of my throat. 

I'd never felt so dead and caged. 

In place of my mind was turmoil, and for some reason, seeing him wasn't helping matters. 

 "We've gotta talk, babe." He begged, coming closer, "we can do this, Emma. We can go through this together. I just really need you to trust me, Emma. I might not be doing the best I can, Emma, but I'm trying. I should've loved you more when I found out that you were with my child, I shouldn't have embarrassed you like tha….Emma, I know all these things. And I'm trying, I'm trying to fix myself." 

 "Please stay where you are, Chase, don't come any closer." I said. 

As I watched his lips move, I realized that I wasn't really getting what I deserved out of life. 

I began to feel more like his sex slave. 

I wasn't the type of girl who wanted tough, rough, love. I wanted, craved, peace. I wanted loyalty. 

I turned a blind eye to how he hugged Lily last night after their games. 

But I wasn't willing to call him out, cause I'd acted shitty enough. 

It's the kind of feeling I get seeing Chase with other girls. 

And I know some would call it a lack of trust, but it just really brought back memories. 

Chase wasn't the kind of man I could believe. He wasn't the kind of guy who'd give me peace. 

And I was tired of carrying on like everything was fine. The longer I ignored it all, the longer I'd be deceiving myself. 

 "Are you fine?" I looked up to see his worried sick ocean eyes hovering over my face. 

 "Yeah." I quipped, snubbing him. 

As badly as I wanted some time alone, I knew my treacherous body wanted him close. 

I was conflicted. 

 "Let's just go back to bed." Chase took the pillow and blanket out of my hand, held my hand and led me back to the bed that was both my slaughterhouse and my paradise. 

I put my head on his chest, praying I'd be able to make sense of all my shitty emotions soon. 

I knew my hormones were running riot. 

 "Hold me tight." I begged Chase, scared of the darkness that had begun to engulf my mind

 "I'm here, Emma. Always and forever." The tone of finality that normally put me at ease, had very little effect. "Please don't overthink this, don't overthink us." 

Too late. 

I already had. 

I switched positions, but Chase quickly adjusted, spooning me.

 "Emma, please let me do something for you." He said out of nowhere. I didn't know what that meant. 

 "What do you mean?" I managed to ask. 

 "I could get you your own place. A car? Something that'd really make you happy." He said. 

I wondered how he could afford that, since it was through my mom that he got his present place.

Guilt laced his words, and his every breath. And I needed him to know that there was no replacement for what he'd taken from me. 

 "Nice." I said, noncommittal. 

 "You don't want it?" He asked. 

I could hear his heart beat fast. 

 "I don't know." I replied truthfully. 

 "Or you just don't want it to be from me?" He pressed. 

 "I really do not care." I shot back at him. "I'm just trying to sleep." I said. 

 "I think you need some rest." He said finally, giving me some space. 

Great! Space was the ONE thing Chase thought I needed while I was grieving our baby! Just great! I faced the wall, concentrating on all the spots I'd mastered so well over the past few days because of how intently I'd been staring at them.