Pouring my heart out

"If you are comfortable, can you tell me about it?" My hands started to tremble for the moments of my tragedy flashed before my eyes. Each passing minute, it was getting more and more difficult to breathe. The muscles in my body became stiff making me feel heavy. My palms were sweaty and cold. "Areum, relax." Mr. Min rubbed my hands with his warm one. He gave me a glass of water that calmed my nerves, followed by a candy to bring my sugar level up. After a few minutes, I started going back to normal. I didn't know what had just happened to me. Whatever it was, it scared me. "It's okay. Sometimes, there are things we find hard to say. You can tell me whenever you are ready. You can go for now but come back here tomorrow after lunch." His words strangely gave me a sense of assurance. I agreed for our tomorrow's meet and left his office. 

I am experiencing a lot of things for the first time lately. It was my first time when I started to push my friends away. They have always been my strength. However, I don't feel the same thing anymore. It was my first time having suicidal thoughts. Also my heart has never beaten faster from seeing someone smile at me. I entered the classroom with a lot of thoughts going on in my head. "Where were you?", Minho asked and Jiwon also turned around to hear my answer. "I went to the teacher's office", I replied. Both of them nodded their head and went back to what they were doing. I wanted them to ask me 'why'. Why did I go to the teacher's office? Why I failed the exam? What was going on? Why do I keep avoiding them. But they didn't ask me any of those questions. Maybe I pushed them too far away or maybe I myself ran too far away from them. 

After school, I went straight back home. I unlocked the front door and was removing my shoes when I heard my father's voice. "Actually Anna, the reason why I called you today is to talk about Areum." Anna is my father's childhood friend. I liked her a lot because she treated me well. She comes by sometimes to meet me and it makes me feel like I got my mom back. If Anna wasn't married, I would've asked dad to marry her. "Areum doesn't look like herself these days. It seems like she is having a hard time. And I am afraid I might be the reason behind it. I am scared that she hates me for going abroad often. I don't have the courage to ask her what's wrong. Can you come home tomorrow and talk to her?, he continued. "Dad, I am home." He got startled by my voice and ended the call quickly. I threw myself on the couch beside him. It pains me that I made him feel guilty when it's not his fault. "Do you have something important at school? Can you take a day off? Anna is coming tomorrow", he tried to sound excited. "I can't. I have a session I can't miss that."

THE NEXT DAY

"Can I come in, Mr. Min?", I knocked on the door. He looked up at me keeping his pen down. "Sure", he smiled adjusting his glasses. I can't deny that he looks cute in them. I sat across the table watching him wrap up with his previous task and getting ready for the session. "So, how was your day today?", he asked. I told him about my whole day at school briefly. "Today, we will just introduce ourselves. Let's get to know each other so that we get comfortable." The smile on his face remained constant. "Let me tell you about myself first. As you already know, my name is Min Daehan. I come from a family of doctors. My father is a neurologist, my mom is a gynae and my older brother is a cardiologist. When I was in high school, I wanted to become a musician. I tried to persuade my parents but they told me to keep it as a hobby not profession. Later, I decided to go with psychology because I was always fascinated to know about human behaviour and why we behave the way we do." I listened to him carefully. His eyes sparkled as he spoke about his dream. I couldn't help but imagine him playing guitar and singing in a soft, gentle voice. 

Now it was my turn to tell him about me. "I am Baek Areum. I live with my father. I don't have a mother nor do I have any siblings. My father works as an inspector in food industry. He worked as a product manager first then he got promoted. Because of the nature of his job, he has to go abroad often. I usually don't have anyone to talk with and it's hard to express my true feelings so I started to write. I began with writing a journal, then quotes, now I write poetries and I plan to write a novel someday."

"You look beautiful when you smile." My cheeks turned red, flustered by the sudden compliment from Mr. Min. I don't know whether it was the compliment or the person who complimented that made my heart flutter. "I mean...yesterday, you looked so pale and down. Now that you are smiling, I feel relieved. You should smile more often."

"Mr. Min, I want to tell you about something." My expressions turned serious now that I feel like sharing what's bothering me. "Go ahead", he rests his hand on the table bringing all his attention on me. "Do you think I should tell my father about having sessions with you? Yesterday when I went home, I heard him talking over the phone. He seemed worried about me. I tell him everything I had in my mind at that moment. "Think about yourself first Areum. You should do things that make you feel at ease. He is your father. I am sure he will understand if you hide things from him temporarily. Tell him only when YOU feel like you are ready." His words have a huge impact on me especially because of the tone of his voice. He sounds so calm and relaxed whenever he talks. I have made up my mind. I am going to tell dad about how I feel. I don't want him to blame himself for something he didn't do. 

"I enjoyed our today's session. I'm looking forward for the next one", I said standing up to leave. He took a pen and wrote something on a note before handing it to me. "This is my number. Text me once you reach home. I'll let you know when our next session will be." I took the note and put it in my pocket. It's been so long since I felt happy like the way I do today. I was humming a song while walking towards the bus stop.

"Areum", my whole body started shivering when I heard that voice. I can't bring myself to look in the direction from where the voice came. "Aren't you going to look at me? Where are your manners? Didn't your father teach you to greet your elders?", he walked closer. "Hello uncle", I bowed avoiding to look at him. I know he can't do anything in a public place but I can't help but be scared at he sight of him. "When are you going to give me the thing I asked for?" My voice trembled as I found it almost impossible to form words to answer him. Thankfully, the bus arrived at the right moment so I ran inside the bus without answering him.

I took out my water bottle from my bag and took a sip of water. Last time when Mr. Min gave me the glass of water, it really helped me calm down. Think of the devil and the devil appears. Mr. Min came and sat beside me. "What happened? You looked just fine some time ago and now you are back to the Areum you were yesterday", he noticed the change in me that people don't tend to notice. "Nothing. I am feeling a bit nauseous. That's it", there I lied again. I am not a contemporary liar. I don't mean to lie in the first place but there are things that are better left unsaid. I put my earphones on and close my eyes not giving him chance to ask me more questions.

"Bye", I waved at Mr.Min before getting off. I found my dad and Anna waiting for me at the bus stop. She opened her arms as soon as she saw me. I hugged her tightly giving her a warm welcome. "Woah, you're all grown up now. I still remember how you used to play with mud", she chuckled. We walked hand in hand, strolling at a nearby park. This brought back so many memories. I used to play here with her when I was a kid. We played in the swing together. She looked just as beautiful as she used to be. We spent our evening playing and shopping. Later, we went for dinner with dad. "I'll drop you first before going home", dad said while leaving the restaurant. "Anna, you've come after a long time. Can't you sleep over at our place?" I looked at her with pleading eyes.

Anna and I went to my room and I was happy to have her by my side tonight. She sat on the corner of the bed and her facial expressions clearly showed that she had something to say. "Areum, come here", she gestured for me to sit beside her. I do what I was told. "Have your father ever told you how problematic I was as a child?", she asked. My eyes glisten with excitement as her words indicate an interesting story ahead. I nod my head saying no. "I was not good at studies and would always get a scolding from my parents. When I was in 4th grade, I didn't tell my parents that I had gotten my result and I failed again. When my teacher called them to inform about my result, my mother came to me and told me something that changed my perspective towards my parents. She said that she was disappointed in me. Not because I had failed but because I hid it from her. Your parents will always be there for you, whether you have achieved something or you make a mistake, they will always be there."

Her words brought tears to my eyes. I have been on the edge for the past few days which has made me more sensitive. Instead of speaking directly with dad, I chose to talk with Anna. This would be more comfortable for me. I told her everything, about my feelings, about my sessions, about hearing her conversation with dad and how sad I was knowing that I made my father feel guilty. After hearing my side of the story, she wrapped her arms around me rubbing my back gently. It made me feel so vulnerable that I burst into tears. "Oh my poor baby, why did you go through so much alone? You should've told me if not your dad. Remember, I am not just your father's friend, I'm yours too ", she smiled wiping my tears.

That night I slept like a baby. It felt like my heart was freed from a burden that I had been carrying for too long. I woke up abruptly remembering that Mr. Min had told me to text him after reaching home. I rubbed my eyes and picked up my phone from the table.

'Good morning Mr.Min. I am sorry I forgot to text you yesterday.'

'Good morning. It's ok 😊 '

A simple emoji from him increased my heartbeat again. A smile appeared on my face as I texted him back.

'Thank you for yesterday. Your words played an important role in my decision. I spoke with Anna and it really helped a lot.'

'That was good to hear. I've scheduled your next session for Tuesday. See you soon.'

Though there was only one day in between, it felt like decades. The time I spend with him is precious to me because he knows how to put my heart at rest. His words enlighten me and urge me to strive harder for life. I want him to stay in my life as long as it can be possible.